When did you realize you no longer wanted to be married or in your relationship?

[Browndilocks]

your right, i'm an a^^ i must admit, i guess that's what the vows mean by better or worse, i really need to grow up and i'm in my late 20's so when will it happen that I grow to be a mature woman that is not willing to run from things when they are not perfect. your right about it not being someone that i'm dating that it's a marriage.

your comment has me sitting here feeling like a dang fool but thank you for it.

Not true. Not an a^^. You're HUMAN. Based on what you wrote on why you feel the way you do, your situation, as much as it does not feel good, is temporary.

RULE: Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance.

 

[longhairlover]

thank you so much for your words Pat,

my mother had said this to me a few weeks ago, but I'm so use to doing things on my own, I don't realize it is a blessing that he is still working.

He actually works for AIG in nyc and you know they are doing bad, but his dept. is still bringing in work so your right it is a blessing i'm just too stupid to see it for what it is him working is a blessing to me.

I know God is shaking his head at me right now for being so unappreciative.

When you're used to doing for yourself, it's hard to see your husband's success as your own, but it is. The blessing for married couples does apply to you. There are a lot of people right now who are unemployed and single, or are unemployed and have a spouse who also is not working, so they have NO other income. You have that. You have a "really really good man" to rely on. That's a blessing, no? I agree that it truly is a challenge being married. This economy is doing damage to a lot of relationships I've seen. But don't sell out yet. The value of your marriage isn't going down with the stock market.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

When I started seeing someone else.....at the same time.

 

[Zaynab]

Longhairlover, how long have you been married?
As much as you prepare for marriage, you never really know what it's like until you get there. I had a bit of "buyer’s remorse" right after I got married because I was overwhelmed with all the togetherness. I'm a solitary person by nature, and I do my best thinking, problem solving, and creative work when I have only myself to consider. In the first year of our marriage, I never felt like myself. There was job drama, his health problems, step-kids, a few deaths in the family. It was crazy! There was always someone around, gnawing at my "me time" and I couldn't get my thoughts together to work out the problems. I thought about getting a divorce just so I could hear myself think! I stuck it out because I realized that every successful marriage is about adjustment, commitment, and, compromise. Those early circumstances in our marriage were temporary. They didn’t change the fact that I loved him. Fast forward to almost 7 years later, we’re still together and happy! All of the problems that attacked us during that first year are long gone. My husband has learned to give me space when I need it, and I’m much happier for it. But I’ve also learned to share my burdens with him. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be superwoman all the time. We are a team. We work together now. There’ve been plenty of ups and downs since that first year, but since then, I view him as a partner rather than an imposition. Now, I really believe married life is the best thing for me.

I think that what you're going through is temporary as well. Give yourself and your marriage some time. It doesn't sound like it's your marriage that's in need of fixing. Just some temporary circumstances.

I was coming in to say the same thing.

Being newly married is hard. You go from it being just you to "we" and its a hard transition to make. The first couple of years can be bliss but also alot of learning and adjusting to each other. Also, people are in these great relationships, and get married, then they realize the gravity of marriage......like WOW, there is no "Holla, I will never see you again" type of thing so it can be overwhelming and a tad stiffling at times. You go to bed and the person is STILL there in the morning. So you have to address whatever issues are there, they aren't going away.

I got married when I was 23 and I'm happy to say we're going on 10 years. I love dh more now than ever but man there were some times when I thought and felt everything you are saying. One thing I realized was that I needed to work on ME, to make the relationship better. I was putting so much emphasis on what dh was or wasn't doing and not stepping back to see if perhaps I changed my attitude, the marriage would. That one small thing worked, taking ownership of me and my role in the marriage. So if you're at an unsure place (your job, school, etc) then of course that's going to affect everything, including your marriage.

Good luck!

 

[Zaynab]

thank you so much for what you said below. he is a really really good man and I know it was a blessing for us meeting.

We have only been married a little over a year, it's very new to me, the sharing of everything living with someone other than my mother. I guess sometimes it's just a shock, I knew marriage was always something that I wanted, guess I shouldn't ruin the only thing positive that has happened to me in the past 3 yrs

it's really me personally with myself that's making me unhappy.

At times I just feel like since i've been married my career and stuff has went downhill. I thought there were supposed to be blessings for married couples. I mean my husband is lucky with his career but me on the other hand

it really is a challenge being married, i just thought it was romance and happiness.

I think the reason romance novels and movies sell so well is because that is what it is, PURE FICTION AND FANTASY

 

[longhairlover]

you are so right lol! at when you wake up the person's still there

i guess thank goodness our relationship has never been perfect like our friends, so we know those tough times...mainly me with my career crap.

honestly i guess i'm the one with the dang issues and it's making me unsure like you said and i'm starting ish in my relationship.

thank you to all the ladies who yet again put me in my place on lhcf! lol!!!

i'm am always getting a virtual putting in place on here i really appreciate it, i'm the only child (another issue) and i'm spoiled, my mother agrees with everything that I say unlike you ladies on here that tell me how it is no matter what.

I really feel so much better with all the advice given to me in this thread and with your examples I realize no one has that perfect relationship.

I was coming in to say the same thing.

Being newly married is hard. You go from it being just you to "we" and its a hard transition to make. The first couple of years can be bliss but also alot of learning and adjusting to each other. Also, people are in these great relationships, and get married, then they realize the gravity of marriage......like WOW, there is no "Holla, I will never see you again" type of thing so it can be overwhelming and a tad stiffling at times. You go to bed and the person is STILL there in the morning. So you have to address whatever issues are there, they aren't going away.

I got married when I was 23 and I'm happy to say we're going on 10 years. I love dh more now than ever but man there were some times when I thought and felt everything you are saying. One thing I realized was that I needed to work on ME, to make the relationship better. I was putting so much emphasis on what dh was or wasn't doing and not stepping back to see if perhaps I changed my attitude, the marriage would. That one small thing worked, taking ownership of me and my role in the marriage. So if you're at an unsure place (your job, school, etc) then of course that's going to affect everything, including your marriage.

Good luck!

 

[likewtr4chklit]

thank you so much for your words Pat,

my mother had said this to me a few weeks ago, but I'm so use to doing things on my own, I don't realize it is a blessing that he is still working.

He actually works for AIG in nyc and you know they are doing bad, but his dept. is still bringing in work so your right it is a blessing i'm just too stupid to see it for what it is him working is a blessing to me.

I know God is shaking his head at me right now for being so unappreciative.

I'm glad you seen the light This crisis is having an effect on everyone from the po' folks like me to the upper middle class. Finances test marriages almost as much as trust issues do. Good luck to you and everyone else whose relationship/marriage is feeling the strain b/c of finances.

 

[Farida]

I hear ya. I guess i'm also feeling like this because i'm not working right now and then the market is really bad for the type of work that I do. It's just making me feel like I want to deal with my stress by myself and just be alone. I don't want to be around anyone right now.

That's probably it right there. When times are hard and you feel that the stress is coming from you, you feel the weight of having someone in the dumps with you. I guess you feel it is your fault they are sad...even though it isn't. Or you feel that you want to go in a hole and stay there in a funk and not talk to anyone...but you can't do that in a relationship...it will drive the other person MAD! So what's a girl to do?

 

[Zaynab]

you are so right lol! at when you wake up the person's still there

i guess thank goodness our relationship has never been perfect like our friends, so we know those tough times...mainly me with my career crap.

honestly i guess i'm the one with the dang issues and it's making me unsure like you said and i'm starting ish in my relationship.

thank you to all the ladies who yet again put me in my place on lhcf! lol!!!

i'm am always getting a virtual putting in place on here i really appreciate it, i'm the only child (another issue) and i'm spoiled, my mother agrees with everything that I say unlike you ladies on here that tell me how it is no matter what.

I really feel so much better with all the advice given to me in this thread and with your examples I realize no one has that perfect relationship.

I promise the folks you think have these perfect marriages do not, I know some folks that think mine is perfect and its not, we just make it work

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Wow this thread is making me feel like I NEEDS to be enjoying my freedm.. .Lol...

 

[longhairlover]

for real, i guess all i can do is deal with it man up, and not bug out because the job market is up in flames. guess it makes no sense to be jobless and alone

That's probably it right there. When times are hard and you feel that the stress is coming from you, you feel the weight of having someone in the dumps with you. I guess you feel it is your fault they are sad...even though it isn't. Or you feel that you want to go in a hole and stay there in a funk and not talk to anyone...but you can't do that in a relationship...it will drive the other person MAD! So what's a girl to do?

 

[longhairlover]

you sound like my moms lol!!!!! she swears by not being with anyone any more, said it's the happiest she's ever been in 45 yrs.

Wow this thread is making me feel like I NEEDS to be enjoying my freedm.. .Lol...

 

[DayStar]

mmkay .....

Wow this thread is making me feel like I NEEDS to be enjoying my freedm.. .Lol...

 

[simplertimes]

I realized it when the thought of being intimate with him disgusted me.
I realized it when I started being unconcerned with his feelings.

 

[weaveologist]

I so wasn't expecting that answer.

Its true. Some people are crazy.

 

[missjones]

...when I found out he lost his virginity and got somebody pregnant...and neither one was with me

 

[weaveologist]

h no! you let them get away with that? i love my denim and if anyone did that i wouldn't be responsible for my actions lol!!!!

that is mad catty to cut someones jeans up, it's just not right lol!

Girl, I'd broken up with him. So he came over to talk things out but we ended up arguing again so I said "Get your things and leave. I will wait outside". So I actually sat outside in my car for thirty mintues because I simply wanted it over and done. I was tired of him. He was so evil and manipulating. But then I went back in because it was colder than a outside. So when I went back in he was calmer for some reason. I thought he was just getting the point. I told him that he was evil (he was very verbally abusive and controlling) and that I was done. He told me "You ain't seen evil yet"...Then he got his stuff and left.... That was a Sunday. I'd just did my laundry so I wore my work uniform and stuff out the laundry basket all week. During the week I actually started to miss him and had called to talk. He didn't answer so I was really sad and regretting leaving him. But come Saturday I got up to get dressed to go shopping with my mom. I put on one pair of Baby Phat jeans (this was 2001). The leg of jeans were snippederplexed. Now prior to all of this I had been using my mother's washer and my son's socks would be ripped for some reason so I thought maybe that was it. But then I put on another pair and the crotch was cut out. Then another and all the belt loops were cut off. Then another and the crotch and the leg was cut up.......Girl he cut up clothes that still had tags on them........... That's when I knew. Apparently while I was sitting outside being hard that Sunday, he was in my office going Edward Scissor hands on all my Baby Phat, Coogi, and Sergio Valente. You know Sergio Valente was expensive back then .

 

[longhairlover]

weaveologist that is crazy but at the same time hilarious! he cut the crotch out! i had an evil bf like that in the past worst relationship i ever had. i guess now your ok he didn't answer the phone

 

[Kamilah]

....I think last night.

 

[cocoberry10]

I hear ya. I guess i'm also feeling like this because i'm not working right now and then the market is really bad for the type of work that I do. It's just making me feel like I want to deal with my stress by myself and just be alone. I don't want to be around anyone right now.

I will pray for you. I have to wonder OP if some of this is not due to being stressed about your current situation. I know when I'm really stressed like that, I want to be alone. I hate to see people divorce (although I know it's a part of life), but maybe what you need is a recharge in life, instead of a divorce.

Maybe you and your husband need to sit down and talk about what's bothering you. I figure, if you can't talk to your spouse, who else can you talk to? If you can, maybe you should talk to a counselor. He/she can help you sort out your feelings. I at least say don't give up the ship until you've done this!

 

[Tylers-mom]

Longhairlover, how long have you been married?
As much as you prepare for marriage, you never really know what it's like until you get there. I had a bit of "buyer’s remorse" right after I got married because I was overwhelmed with all the togetherness. I'm a solitary person by nature, and I do my best thinking, problem solving, and creative work when I have only myself to consider. In the first year of our marriage, I never felt like myself. There was job drama, his health problems, step-kids, a few deaths in the family. It was crazy! There was always someone around, gnawing at my "me time" and I couldn't get my thoughts together to work out the problems. I thought about getting a divorce just so I could hear myself think! I stuck it out because I realized that every successful marriage is about adjustment, commitment, and, compromise. Those early circumstances in our marriage were temporary. They didn’t change the fact that I loved him. Fast forward to almost 7 years later, we’re still together and happy! All of the problems that attacked us during that first year are long gone. My husband has learned to give me space when I need it, and I’m much happier for it. But I’ve also learned to share my burdens with him. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be superwoman all the time. We are a team. We work together now. There’ve been plenty of ups and downs since that first year, but since then, I view him as a partner rather than an imposition. Now, I really believe married life is the best thing for me.

I think that what you're going through is temporary as well. Give yourself and your marriage some time. It doesn't sound like it's your marriage that's in need of fixing. Just some temporary circumstances.

Thank you so much for writing this! As I was reading through all of the replies I was wondering when someone was going to give her some advise. I've been married for 6 years and have been with my husband for 12. I don't think ANY married person has gone without doubts. Your feelings are totally normal. Stick it out hon...marraige is not always a walk in the park, the fairytale ends and real life begins. Marraige is hard work! Good luck.

 

[Sly]

Hope you were able to take some time for yourself. . .

 

[twilight80]

Since you're newly married and since it's not him that is stressing you or making you mad, I wouldn't do anything harsh. I married when I was 22 and we should have never gotten married because we had too many issues. We mainly got married because of the child we had together and somehow we ended up loving each other after the marriage. There are times when I think about if it would be better if we had not gotten married or what would it be like to be single. But I don't think that I could ever leave him.

With you, you don't seem to have any problem with hubby so I would suggest finding a place in the house where you could be by yourself, let hubby know that you need some alone time to clear your head or go hind some kind of activity outside the house to help you relieve some stress. (Good activity though!)