I am starving (I really needed to vent)

[ThickHair]

Ok ladies. As you know the whole durn country was under a heat wave last week. I kept up with my workout regime and life has been moving along nicely. I stayed in last weekend sans my weight watcher meeting and church. Mmmm, I save some gas. Oh, I did purchase a 35 lb dumbbell. P90x ladies holla, on week 6. Not afraid to say I was the sh!t when I was a 24 and I am still the sh!t at a 14, heading to my perfect 10.

"Baby hair don't care" - Andrea Kelly.

BUT..............

Last week the lonely bug hit again, BUT I kept in mind all the things that I am thankful and happy about. I know I have the greatest family in the whole wide world and I have the greatest friends this side any George Clooney\Brad Pitt bromance. I have heard and seen things about "other's" that keep me shaking my head, but yet I was still a bit blue about my loneliness. Lord knows have more things to be thankful for than the one or two things that make blue.

I am still missing that "certain" affection. No matter how busy I keep myself. No matter how many journals I fill, I still can't shake it. I haven't really been social with the new opposite sex (see below) as of late. Yes, the girls and I have gone bowling, cookout, mani\pedi you name it, but I am straight up avoiding having to deal with the opposite sex. Oh, I veiw and "Mmmm girl he look good." but if a man stepped to me I would straight up look through him and think nothing of it. I guess I am window shopping.

Now that I have shed some weight I get more attention to the nth degree and even though I did get play before, this play is really making me uncomfortable. Is it because I am 93 lbs less then I was a year ago? Am I still desireable? Can a dude really like me? It's like this is my first day being a butterfly from being that nasty old cocoon or that creepy caterpillar. Heck, I have always been a butterfly, I guess I am just really noticing it. IDK.

Now, I do socialize with the guys who have been around since Thickhair+, but these new dudes make me feel uneasy, especially since they are some that were aware of me, but are now REALLY AWARE OF ME. I am like "F" you ninja, I have always known what time it was, you were the one with the broken watch.

So, now I am just stress about this and I feel if I don't loosen up a bit I will continue to be a bit jaded and I don't want to be the old cat lady.

The bottom line is that I still feel like my original post from many weeks ago, but I believe I am in a self imposed exile.

 

[ThickHair]

I keep seeing the banner ad for tutu's. Now I want a tutu. LOL

 

[healthyhair2]

I guess today is not a good day for me. I feel like I am starving for a relationship. I am starving for affection (touch) and attention. I am clearly aware of it. I go for brief walks on my breaks at work. I just returned from my lunch walk and I was in tears part of the time just thinking about me starving.

I am well aware to keep away from the men folk when I am feeling like this because I could end up with someone really bad who would take advantage of me in this "state", which is basically a state of weakness.

I am screaming on the inside. I have been feeling this way all week, but today is when it manifested itself in tears.

I feel like everything is going pretty good in my life. I have shed 80lbs of weight. I am doing good in my career. My family life is excellent as always, but my love life is nonexistant. I had a broken engagement at the beginning of 2011 and in a way I have not fully recoverd so it is not good to start something new. I have closure on that relationship but I am afraid to open up my heart again. When I got with my ex it was after a while that I took to recover from my marriage and I went into that relationship wide open like I had never done before.

I am not saying I am giving up and want to be alone forever it is just that I am hesitant. I have gone on dates, but I don't socialize for fun like I use to. I am in to volunteering and making my community better, so I do have a sense of purpose but still..........

I think part of the reason is that I am receiving more attention since I am shedding the weight and I know when it happened before I clammed up and gain it back. Strange since I was married at that point. I am really counter productive at this point.

I also swear if one more of my friends tell me that I have it going on and enjoy my single life I will snap the ufck out on them. That is easy to say when you have some"one" warming your bed at night even if you can't stand him. (I am not saying that all my friends hate their mate)

I don't want a man for the sake of saying I have one. A choice between a deadbead relationship and no relationship I would choose to be alone, but I am not going to lie the need for an intimate is really lacking right about now and it is driiving me a bit crazy.

At the risk of being jumped on, I am going to say it......if you are able to financially ,seek professional help. I mean a therapist /psychologist. Talking to friends, pastor, relatives etc. is ok but I have been in your place and have reaped some great rewards from therapy and learning more about myself. Seeing a professional can be immensely helpful in the journey to feel good about yourself and the direction your life is taking. It will force you to face fears deep inside yourself that maybe you didn't even know that you had. I know in our community the idea that we can handle it ourselves is prevalent, but that is not always true. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[ThickHair]

At the risk of being jumped on, I am going to say it......if you are able to financially ,seek professional help. I mean a therapist /psychologist. Talking to friends, pastor, relatives etc. is ok but I have been in your place and have reaped some great rewards from therapy and learning more about myself. Seeing a professional can be immensely helpful in the journey to feel good about yourself and the direction your life is taking. It will force you to face fears deep inside yourself that maybe you didn't even know that you had. I know in our community the idea that we can handle it ourselves is prevalent, but that is not always true. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.

healthyhair2 I take no issue with what you have put on the table. I have spoken with 2 therapist and 1 psychologist and I did not feel comfortable with them. I am still searching and when searching for professionals, it isn't easy getting a good referral from someone ie asking for a hairdresser, manicurist or real estate agent.

I did have a few good conversations with my minister, and received a referral to a therapist. I am not ashamed and it isn't a stigma to me to seek professional help. I just want the right fit. My insurance covers it.

Oh I also had a year of therapy when I was divorced back in 2005.

 

[hopeful]

ThickHair I understand. It took me years to find a therapist that was a good fit. It's a shame you have to be so doggone persistent and that it's so much harder to find as compared to a hairdresser or manicurist like you said.

 

[healthyhair2]

healthyhair2 I take no issue with what you have put on the table. I have spoken with 2 therapist and 1 psychologist and I did not feel comfortable with them. I am still searching and when searching for professionals, it isn't easy getting a good referral from someone ie asking for a hairdresser, manicurist or real estate agent.

I did have a few good conversations with my minister, and received a referral to a therapist. I am not ashamed and it isn't a stigma to me to seek professional help. I just want the right fit. My insurance covers it.

Oh I also had a year of therapy when I was divorced back in 2005.

I understand how tough it can be to find the right person to talk to. I recently left a therapist who I did not click with. I was lucky, because the next one I got was the perfect fit. I know how lonely a person can feel at times because I have felt so alone that I felt like it didnt matter whether I was here or not. I admire you for losing weight. It is something I started but didn't care for the attention, so I stopped.When I feel comfortable,I will start again. Glad u were not offended!

 

[ThickHair]

Dang it is August already.

This isn't a rant\vent about the lack of affection again, but about the general state of nonsense that I observe. It "seems" not to pay to live a decent life or half way decent life or attempt to live a decent life. Now I know better, but just general observation those who don't even attempt to do any of the above are living it up. I know I am not privy to their interworkings but being a bad girl seems to pay.

ETA: Finishing up week 10/11 of P90x. When I finish I will do 2 weeks of cardio and start Les Mills on Sept 1. That will take me up to my yearly vacation, leaving Dec 1st.

 

[ArrrBeee]

Dang it is August already.

This isn't a rant\vent about the lack of affection again, but about the general state of nonsense that I observe. It "seems" not to pay to live a decent life or half way decent life or attempt to live a decent life. Now I know better, but just general observation those who don't even attempt to do any of the above are living it up. I know I am not privy to their interworkings but being a bad girl seems to pay.

ETA: Finishing up week 10/11 of P90x. When I finish I will do 2 weeks of cardio and start Les Mills on Sept 1. That will take me up to my yearly vacation, leaving Dec 1st.

I was thinking the same thing a few weeks ago. It seems like nice girls finish last. I am not claiming that though. I am just going to keep being me.

Congrats on your weight loss. The quote below made me think of you in regard to your new found attention.

“I had been my whole life a bell, and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck.”


― Annie Dillard