Am I out of line? Ex bf drama

ThickHair said:
So how was the weekend Natasha? Did you hang out with him? His girlfriend? Did you get to do everything that you wanted to do?
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The weekend ended up being great, we got to do most of the stuff I had planned for my sister and I think she really enjoyed the trip. They showed us their area of NYC, and we all got along really well. We didn't get to do everything b/c of the change of plans and b/c we stayed in a different area than where he is located, but that was fine overall.

Hotel price was never the main issue - but I was able to find a suitable one for us. My sister is sick and disabled so I can't just take her to any cheap hotel place, it needs to not only be handicap accessible but handicap friendly in terms of the room and bathroom, some places are too small and while they meet the bare minimum, it's just not comfortable. Obviously the location needs to be perfect as well.

His girlfriend was really nice. She was throwing me shade at first, but I think she quickly realized there was no feelings between us at all. He just knows how to help with my sister from us being together before. We all had dinner together and went out after (me and my sis explored NYC together, then met up later with them in the evening). I didn't mention the email to him and she did apologize for the things she said in it. I also apologized for even excepting the offer - I think she understood that there was no ill will meant on my part.

I wasn't able to get all the money back for some things we couldn't do, like the bike riding b/c we had already arranged for the bike (it's a special type) to be delivered at his house in the morning but it was too late to get it changed to our hotel, plus it was too late to plan a new route that centered around our new location.

Overall the trip was a success.

In regards to MY fiancee, he knows me and so he doesn't have a problem with it. He has an ex that is a friend and I have NO problem with it either, we trust each other to the fullest. It's not like I was going to stay at my exe's house and his gf wasn't going to be there. And my sister.

Also to clear something else up, I didn't plan this trip with the intentions of seeing my ex, I planned this trip b/c it was something my sister always wanted to do.

I'm simply surprised by alot of the negativity I received on this board. People calling me names, talking about my finances, etc etc; to me, THAT'S immature. It seems some people took it WAAAY to personal:ohwell:

In any event, the trip is over and done with, everything worked out, and I do appreciate the advice from those of you ladies who were constructive and helpful.
 
I'm glad you had a good time on your trip.

No one here knows you or anyone involved so the opinions were given based on the information given plus general experience I think.
 
Natasha009 said:
The weekend ended up being great, we got to do most of the stuff I had planned for my sister and I think she really enjoyed the trip. They showed us their area of NYC, and we all got along really well. We didn't get to do everything b/c of the change of plans and b/c we stayed in a different area than where he is located, but that was fine overall.

Hotel price was never the main issue - but I was able to find a suitable one for us. My sister is sick and disabled so I can't just take her to any cheap hotel place, it needs to not only be handicap accessible but handicap friendly in terms of the room and bathroom, some places are too small and while they meet the bare minimum, it's just not comfortable. Obviously the location needs to be perfect as well.

His girlfriend was really nice. She was throwing me shade at first, but I think she quickly realized there was no feelings between us at all. He just knows how to help with my sister from us being together before. We all had dinner together and went out after (me and my sis explored NYC together, then met up later with them in the evening). I didn't mention the email to him and she did apologize for the things she said in it. I also apologized for even excepting the offer - I think she understood that there was no ill will meant on my part.

I wasn't able to get all the money back for some things we couldn't do, like the bike riding b/c we had already arranged for the bike (it's a special type) to be delivered at his house in the morning but it was too late to get it changed to our hotel, plus it was too late to plan a new route that centered around our new location.

Overall the trip was a success.

In regards to MY fiancee, he knows me and so he doesn't have a problem with it. He has an ex that is a friend and I have NO problem with it either, we trust each other to the fullest. It's not like I was going to stay at my exe's house and his gf wasn't going to be there. And my sister.

Also to clear something else up, I didn't plan this trip with the intentions of seeing my ex, I planned this trip b/c it was something my sister always wanted to do.

I'm simply surprised by alot of the negativity I received on this board. People calling me names, talking about my finances, etc etc; to me, THAT'S immature. It seems some people took it WAAAY to personal:ohwell:

In any event, the trip is over and done with, everything worked out, and I do appreciate the advice from those of you ladies who were constructive and helpful.
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I'm glad y'all had a blast. I'm sorry you couldn't re-coup all that money spent on the bikes and prior plans though--that would upset most people too regardless of how much money they have in the bank.
I'm also glad that you chose not to stay with your ex. I know at least one girl and one guy that each think the way you were thinking--very trusting and unaware of "the way things go".

I hope you've learned valuable lessons from this whole experience and don't feel begrudged or attacked.
 
Natasha009 said:
The weekend ended up being great, we got to do most of the stuff I had planned for my sister and I think she really enjoyed the trip. They showed us their area of NYC, and we all got along really well. We didn't get to do everything b/c of the change of plans and b/c we stayed in a different area than where he is located, but that was fine overall.

Hotel price was never the main issue - but I was able to find a suitable one for us. My sister is sick and disabled so I can't just take her to any cheap hotel place, it needs to not only be handicap accessible but handicap friendly in terms of the room and bathroom, some places are too small and while they meet the bare minimum, it's just not comfortable. Obviously the location needs to be perfect as well.

His girlfriend was really nice. She was throwing me shade at first, but I think she quickly realized there was no feelings between us at all. He just knows how to help with my sister from us being together before. We all had dinner together and went out after (me and my sis explored NYC together, then met up later with them in the evening). I didn't mention the email to him and she did apologize for the things she said in it. I also apologized for even excepting the offer - I think she understood that there was no ill will meant on my part.

I wasn't able to get all the money back for some things we couldn't do, like the bike riding b/c we had already arranged for the bike (it's a special type) to be delivered at his house in the morning but it was too late to get it changed to our hotel, plus it was too late to plan a new route that centered around our new location.

Overall the trip was a success.

In regards to MY fiancee, he knows me and so he doesn't have a problem with it. He has an ex that is a friend and I have NO problem with it either, we trust each other to the fullest. It's not like I was going to stay at my exe's house and his gf wasn't going to be there. And my sister.

Also to clear something else up, I didn't plan this trip with the intentions of seeing my ex, I planned this trip b/c it was something my sister always wanted to do.

I'm simply surprised by alot of the negativity I received on this board. People calling me names, talking about my finances, etc etc; to me, THAT'S immature. It seems some people took it WAAAY to personal:ohwell:

In any event, the trip is over and done with, everything worked out, and I do appreciate the advice from those of you ladies who were constructive and helpful.
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I know quite a few posters have experienced a PARADIGM SHIFT after reading this!


I'm glad your trip went well. The weather was nice up here this weekend so your sis must have enjoyed it.
 
Happy that your trip was good. For the most part, i understood where the GF was coming from completely but i'm glad all went well. Don't know why your financial status had to be brought up....completely unneccesary IMO
 
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Natasha009 said:
The weekend ended up being great, we got to do most of the stuff I had planned for my sister and I think she really enjoyed the trip. They showed us their area of NYC, and we all got along really well. We didn't get to do everything b/c of the change of plans and b/c we stayed in a different area than where he is located, but that was fine overall.

Hotel price was never the main issue - but I was able to find a suitable one for us. My sister is sick and disabled so I can't just take her to any cheap hotel place, it needs to not only be handicap accessible but handicap friendly in terms of the room and bathroom, some places are too small and while they meet the bare minimum, it's just not comfortable. Obviously the location needs to be perfect as well.

His girlfriend was really nice. She was throwing me shade at first, but I think she quickly realized there was no feelings between us at all. He just knows how to help with my sister from us being together before. We all had dinner together and went out after (me and my sis explored NYC together, then met up later with them in the evening). I didn't mention the email to him and she did apologize for the things she said in it. I also apologized for even excepting the offer - I think she understood that there was no ill will meant on my part.

I wasn't able to get all the money back for some things we couldn't do, like the bike riding b/c we had already arranged for the bike (it's a special type) to be delivered at his house in the morning but it was too late to get it changed to our hotel, plus it was too late to plan a new route that centered around our new location.

Overall the trip was a success.

In regards to MY fiancee, he knows me and so he doesn't have a problem with it. He has an ex that is a friend and I have NO problem with it either, we trust each other to the fullest. It's not like I was going to stay at my exe's house and his gf wasn't going to be there. And my sister.

Also to clear something else up, I didn't plan this trip with the intentions of seeing my ex, I planned this trip b/c it was something my sister always wanted to do.

I'm simply surprised by alot of the negativity I received on this board. People calling me names, talking about my finances, etc etc; to me, THAT'S immature. It seems some people took it WAAAY to personal:ohwell:

In any event, the trip is over and done with, everything worked out, and I do appreciate the advice from those of you ladies who were constructive and helpful.
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I haven't seen this thread since before you went on the trip, OP. But, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Considering your sister's illness and special needs when traveling, I can understand completely why you and he both felt it would be most ideal to stay at his place and let him handle guiding all of your activities.

I'm so sorry that we harangued you to the point that you changed your plans. Clearly, it was not best for anyone for you to be staying alone in a strange city with her across town from him when he was supposed to assisting you in caring for her needs and also leading your activities.

Sometimes, people remain friends after a romance and they move on emotionally free and clear. I understand that. I wish we all could have respected your judgment a bit better. I've been guilty myself of jumping the gun with my opinions on this board in the past.

I'm also wondering if this is some sort of "black" thing? This tendency we have to want to rule out all contact with ex's even when the split was amicable (probably especially when the split was amicable). It's like we are being driven by insecurity. Who wants insecurity as a driving force in how we lead our lives? :nono:

I'm just contemplating this entire scenario. I'm glad it turned out nice and again, I'm sorry you had to deal with such a monkey wrench at the last minute.
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
please don't say, "well if you had said that from the be-GINNING..." :nono:
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this is probably one of those prime examples of why it's generally a good thing to give the whole story, which may have prevented some of the responses from being as "raw" as they were... it may or may not have changed some people's opinions, but really, what can you expect when you're not getting the motivations behind the action that you're now being asked your opinion on?
 
SqrpioQutie said:
this is probably one of those prime examples of why it's generally a good thing to give the whole story, which may have prevented some of the responses from being as "raw" as they were... it may or may not have changed some people's opinions, but really, what can you expect when you're not getting the motivations behind the action that you're now being asked your opinion on?
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I think a simple apology would be better. We can be so insufferably judgmental and rude and then when it becomes manifest that there is more we were not aware of which would then make us wrong or at least out of line, rather than admit that, we want to make it the offended party's fault. Sometimes it's better to just put an end to the crucifixion altogether and apologize.

Guess this is a case in point that we should request more information before so harshly judging someone. (I'm speaking "we" with myself included). And, I also think it begs the question...is it possible for two people, who were once romantically involved to be great friends without a sexual component?
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
I think a simple apology would be better. We can be so insufferably judgmental and rude and then when it becomes manifest that there is more we were not aware of which would then make us wrong or at least out of line, rather than admit that, we want to make it the offended party's fault. Sometimes it's better to just put an end to the crucifixion altogether and apologize.

Guess this is a case in point that we should request more information before so harshly judging someone. (I'm speaking "we" with myself included). And, I also think it begs the question...is it possible for two people, who were once romantically involved to be great friends without a sexual component?
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an apology for responding to the situation as it was presented?... we'll have to agree to disagree on that one... i know what you're saying, but just like you object to making it the offended party's fault, i can't see placing fault with those who responded to the facts provided.... am i saying that EVERYTHING was justified?... no.... but things would have gone much smoother if significant pieces of the puzzle were revealed sooner rather than later (since they were revealed eventually without provocation).

to answer your question, i believe that people who were once romantically involved can be great friends IF both parties are very mature, completely past their relationship and respects the boundaries of each others' new lives.... and, to me, part of those boundaries would be little to no contact with that person unless there is a mutual friendship with the new partner... and, if i were in a situation like i just described, then it would have to be a friendship initiated by that ex's new partner....
 
OP, I am glad that everything worked out for you on your trip. But I will stand by the statement that if his girlfriend had a problem with you staying at his house, you should have stayed at a hotel.

Since you had never met or spoken to his girlfriend, I can understand why she had a problem with you staying the weekend at his house. Now that she has met you and has a better view of your friendship, she probably will be more understanding in the future.
 
While I understand that you and the ex are cool, this is one of those situations where "no good can come from this". Maybe she is insecure, but one has to admit that she has reason to be concerned about this....not that she needed to take up the issue with you, her man should have been considerate enough to think about how she would feel about this. I understand that he didn't tell you about the relationship, but now that you know....don't you wonder why??? And just imagine how you would feel if you were in her shoes. Would you stand for your ex inviting a former flame to stay over??? A hotel is a small price to pay to keep away from drama and aggravation.
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
I think a simple apology would be better. We can be so insufferably judgmental and rude and then when it becomes manifest that there is more we were not aware of which would then make us wrong or at least out of line, rather than admit that, we want to make it the offended party's fault. Sometimes it's better to just put an end to the crucifixion altogether and apologize.

Guess this is a case in point that we should request more information before so harshly judging someone. (I'm speaking "we" with myself included). And, I also think it begs the question...is it possible for two people, who were once romantically involved to be great friends without a sexual component?
Click to expand...


I agree. Its never wrong to take a step back and think before responding, and knowing how to deliver an opinion, advice, and/or constructive criticism without coming off as abrasive is a sign of maturity, and a social skill that I think many people lack, or maybe just don't appreciate.

Sometimes it does seem like people are overly concerned with "keepin it real" and "giving it to ya straight." I don't see what's so cool about that. Personally I think its just a sign of poor taste and lack of tact.
 
freelove said:
I agree. Its never wrong to take a step back and think before responding, and knowing how to deliver an opinion, advice, and/or constructive criticism without coming off as abrasive is a sign of maturity, and a social skill that I think many people lack, or maybe just don't appreciate.

Sometimes it does seem like people are overly concerned with "keepin it real" and "giving it to ya straight." I don't see what's so cool about that. Personally I think its just a sign of poor taste and lack of tact.
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This is exactly why you need to pick and choose what you share on here. 9 times out of 10 it turns into drama and the OP is left feeling like crap.

I am glad everything worked out for you sweetie :yep:
 
I just read this thread today. I don't even know why I clicked in the relationship forum. I'm normally far far away from here. lol As I read this, I thought, these women are different than I am. I am in no way naive, but I really didn't see any problem with any of this. And now that the OP has revealed exactly why staying at a hotel was SUCH an inconvenience, I'm glad to know my instincts were right.

Some of you let baggage from your own relationships color your advice to others. Everyone is not the same. You don't need the backstory and if you DO need it, you should ask before passing judgment.

Called OP all kinds of names as well as the ex-bf. The ex-bf, who having known her for SIX YEARS, knows she has a disabled sister and was willing to assist with the sister's trip to NY, had no shade in him.

Just wow @ all the responses to the OP. :nono:
 
SqrpioQutie said:
an apology for responding to the situation as it was presented?... we'll have to agree to disagree on that one... i know what you're saying, but just like you object to making it the offended party's fault, i can't see placing fault with those who responded to the facts provided.... am i saying that EVERYTHING was justified?... no.... but things would have gone much smoother if significant pieces of the puzzle were revealed sooner rather than later (since they were revealed eventually without provocation).
QUOTE]

I was never upset that she said I couldn't stay at his house, I was upset about the way she told me (in a nasty email) and that she didn't say anything sooner to me, instead she waited until literally the night before the trip. I asked if I was out of line for accepting the offer, and if she was out of line for waiting until the last minute to tell me after we spent so much time planning this trip and so much went into the details. I didn't (and still don't) see how my sister being disabled has anything to do with that.

My motives wasn't to stay with him because of his help with my sister, it was because he was a friend who offered, and who's gf appeared to have no problem with it. I stated those motives repeatedly.

I do still agree that, simply put, it WAS out of line for me to have even accepted the offer, but like they say, you live and you learn. I guess I assumed b/c I wouldn't have a problem if I was the gf, she wouldn't have a problem. Overall I got pretty good advice here, and I don't regret changing my decision to stay with him. I do agree that some of the comments weren't justified, but I don't see how having a disabled sister suddenly changes that - they were unneccesary in any situation.

I'm just happy it all went smoothly and everything worked out!
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Natasha009 said:
SqrpioQutie said:
an apology for responding to the situation as it was presented?... we'll have to agree to disagree on that one... i know what you're saying, but just like you object to making it the offended party's fault, i can't see placing fault with those who responded to the facts provided.... am i saying that EVERYTHING was justified?... no.... but things would have gone much smoother if significant pieces of the puzzle were revealed sooner rather than later (since they were revealed eventually without provocation).
QUOTE]

I was never upset that she said I couldn't stay at his house, I was upset about the way she told me (in a nasty email) and that she didn't say anything sooner to me, instead she waited until literally the night before the trip. I asked if I was out of line for accepting the offer, and if she was out of line for waiting until the last minute to tell me after we spent so much time planning this trip and so much went into the details. I didn't (and still don't) see how my sister being disabled has anything to do with that.

My motives wasn't to stay with him because of his help with my sister, it was because he was a friend who offered, and who's gf appeared to have no problem with it. I stated those motives repeatedly.

I do still agree that, simply put, it WAS out of line for me to have even accepted the offer, but like they say, you live and you learn. I guess I assumed b/c I wouldn't have a problem if I was the gf, she wouldn't have a problem. Overall I got pretty good advice here, and I don't regret changing my decision to stay with him. I do agree that some of the comments weren't justified, but I don't see how having a disabled sister suddenly changes that - they were unneccesary in any situation.

I'm just happy it all went smoothly and everything worked out!
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oh, i never got the impression that you were mad that you were "asked" (for lack of a better word) not to stay with him... and if your sisters condition had no bearing on whether or not you were staying with him, then ok, i can see why you never mentioned it... but had it been included, i think the response may have been a bit different from those who thought you were using this opportunity to get some time with the ex... those who thought that it was just a plain bad idea due to the new relationship may have stood their ground though...

so yeah, it's great that everything worked out and hopefully drama like this can be avoided in the future....
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NOEChic said:
i would tell the gf to kick rocks barefoot if she came at me like that. she should have spoken up earlier.
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She really shouldve. And not written you but taken it up with HER MAN. I wish I would have to write another female about her dealing with MY BF.:nono:

PiscesBlue10 said:
As for the OP. There seems to be no malicious intent, therefore no need for rock throwing. It was a silly idea that needs to rectified as much as possible. End of story, all the extra is unnecessary.
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Smuckie_Slick said:
Sometimes, people remain friends after a romance and they move on emotionally free and clear. I understand that. I wish we all could have respected your judgment a bit better. I've been guilty myself of jumping the gun with my opinions on this board in the past.
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:yep: Would I go for this? Heckie naw! I dont even confer with men who are in relationships unless they're long-time friends or relatives. That's just me. At first I was :nono: at primarily the ex BF because he's the ringleader and it would be 10 levels of hell before I as the GF would allow that to go down without throwing deuces.

However The OP explained that's how they do it. Her ex has stayed with her before and her fiance didnt trip. While that may seem unfathomable to the majority of us, such a thing is possible and all the animosity wasnt necessary. I didnt glean any nefarious intentions from the information given. Shoot, I live in NYC and it's very expensive. If her and her ex had it like that I dont blame her one bit.The GF writing tho....glad you didnt decide to stay-avoid drama!

Glad you had a great time OP!
 
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