Am I out of line? Ex bf drama
- Thread starter Natasha009
- Start date
Natasha009
New Member
We talk about once a month when I'm in the US, but I spend half the year in Europe so i guess it would average to once every 2 months.
I don't want to be bff's with him and his gf, although I would like to be friends. We never talk about our SO's, only things we have in common - politics, movies, career, etc.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's relationship! Everyone's all jumping on my case, daaaag. Chill!
I didn't think I was doing anything wrong by accepting to sleep at his house! When she was ok I took it at face value.
I don't want to be bff's with him and his gf, although I would like to be friends. We never talk about our SO's, only things we have in common - politics, movies, career, etc.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's relationship! Everyone's all jumping on my case, daaaag. Chill!
I didn't think I was doing anything wrong by accepting to sleep at his house! When she was ok I took it at face value.
SqrpioQutie
Well-Known Member
Yes. And I take offense to that and the person who said it's unbelievable. Why is it okay for someone to be Christian and saving themself for marriage, but if they're anything else / believe in abstinence for any other reason, it's unbelievable??
that's fine - it's your right to take offense.... however, i can't see throwing in the "being a Christian" and saving yourself for marriage when you're talking about how you were living with your boyfriend.... i'm sure that even you can see where the two "concepts" don't necessarily have an obvious connection...
Whimsy
Well-Known Member
IMO that's not a friend, that's just an ex you happen to keep in contact with.
This leads me to question your motives, or if you're simply an opportunist. And leads me to question his motives as well.
We know you're not in this to ruin anyone's relationship on purpose, but you must see (maybe after you grow up a lil more you will) that this is a foolish plan of action.
Either way, I'd love an answer: Now that you know it's a problem, what do you plan on doing about it?
This leads me to question your motives, or if you're simply an opportunist. And leads me to question his motives as well.
We know you're not in this to ruin anyone's relationship on purpose, but you must see (maybe after you grow up a lil more you will) that this is a foolish plan of action.
Either way, I'd love an answer: Now that you know it's a problem, what do you plan on doing about it?
Natasha009
New Member
I'm not going to stay at his house. The whole point was if she had said something, then all of this wouldnt have happened.
I'm looking up places to stay for Saturday night, but I haven't found a solution yet (I'm going to have to pay my sister's way).I'm thinking of going for just the day.
I could kind of see where she was coming from before, but honestly, it's not worth all the drama, especially thinking that if she was thinking half the things some of you think, I'd be dead in my sleep
I don't care if I'm young, I hate when people say that like it's an insult. When someone calls someone else "young" it usually means they are old. And worse then just being old, also bitter. Yeah, I'll pass on that.
I'm looking up places to stay for Saturday night, but I haven't found a solution yet (I'm going to have to pay my sister's way).I'm thinking of going for just the day.
I could kind of see where she was coming from before, but honestly, it's not worth all the drama, especially thinking that if she was thinking half the things some of you think, I'd be dead in my sleep
I don't care if I'm young, I hate when people say that like it's an insult. When someone calls someone else "young" it usually means they are old. And worse then just being old, also bitter. Yeah, I'll pass on that.
Whimsy
Well-Known Member
I'm not going to stay at his house. The whole point was if she had said something, then all of this wouldnt have happened.
I'm looking up places to stay for Saturday night, but I haven't found a solution yet (I'm going to have to pay my sister's way).I'm thinking of going for just the day.
I could kind of see where she was coming from before, but honestly, it's not worth all the drama, especially thinking that if she was thinking half the things some of you think, I'd be dead in my sleep
I don't care if I'm young, I hate when people say that like it's an insult. When someone calls someone else "young" it usually means they are old. And worse then just being old, also bitter. Yeah, I'll pass on that.
My 14 year old brother has similar sentiments.
Being young isn't an insult, it's simply where a person is in life mentally/emotionally, you can be 50 years old and be young. It's about life experiences and more importantly what you learn from them.
Hopefully you learned something from this experience.
Anyhow...
I'm glad you're not staying there. I think that is a wise and mature move on your part. you can priceline some deals, always lowball and hotels in queens will be cheaper than those in manhattan.
Good luck to you.
kmn1980
Emoticons don't affect me
and 
No one is insulting you for being young. At least I wasn't. I'm 29. Not old at all but I have enough common sense and life experience to know when something is a bad idea. You lack one or the other. Which would you prefer?
You obviously came on here looking for a bunch of co-signers and when that didn't happen, you started pouting and trying to make excuses. Don't start calling names because you asked those of us who don't live on Fantasy Island for advice and you came off looking bad in the process.
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Whimsy
Well-Known Member
No one is insulting you for being young. At least I wasn't. I'm 29. Not old at all but I have enough common sense and life experience to know when something is a bad idea. You lack one or other. Which would you prefer?
You obviously came on here looking for a bunch of co-signers and when that didn't happen, you started pouting and trying to make excuses. Don't start calling names because you asked those of us who don't live on Fantasy Island for advice and you came off looking bad in the process.
OUCH!!!....but....
MayaB12
New Member
I've never understood why people ask for advice then when they don't get the answer they are looking for they get all hissy - going as far as calling people old and bitter. Did you want people to rally around you and encourage nonsensical behaviour? Life is too short to sit around and lie to each other. You know you are in the wrong and the fact that you changing your plans proves this.
P.S. I'm not old or bitter; but you my friend are immature.
P.S. I'm not old or bitter; but you my friend are immature.
Austro-Afrikana
Well-Known Member
Like Whimsy said calling you young doesn't mean she is just talking about your age, she is talking about your mental maturity...I am 19 but I am 'old' enough to know that you just don't do the things you're doing.
brownelovely
Well-Known Member
I don't think his girlfriend is insecure because she doesn't want an EX and her sister staying in the same house as her. I'd be peeved at him mostly but personally...what's the big deal with finding a hotel. Then no one would be stressed.
Are you out of line? Yes, because I know his apartment isn't the only place in NY to stay and get the best experience. Your staying because you're trying to either:
a. prove a point
b. be messy/start trouble
c. both
Sorry, but there's just no logical explanation for this...any stress will be on your part.
Are you out of line? Yes, because I know his apartment isn't the only place in NY to stay and get the best experience. Your staying because you're trying to either:
a. prove a point
b. be messy/start trouble
c. both
Sorry, but there's just no logical explanation for this...any stress will be on your part.
For what it's worth, I don't believe you are either, but common sense would tell you this wouldn't be cool either way. You also should have found it telling that she didn't come with your ex during the holidays when he was over your house.
You might still look at this man in the "friend" zone, but I don't believe he feels the same way.
His current girlfriend needs to let him go, but like with you, life experience will teach her the ways of the world.
I could kind of see where she was coming from before, but honestly, it's not worth all the drama, especially thinking that if she was thinking half the things some of you think, I'd be dead in my sleep
Or worse? How about some hot grease thrown on you? Or grits?
All because you wanted to try homegirl's insecurity issues. You never know. Your ex might be one of those men that get off on "drama" with his women. Some men believe that if a woman isn't jealous or fighting over him she doesn't love him. Kind of like an abused woman that likes when her man beats her arse because it shows her that he LOVES her.
Awwwwww, you so cute!
If you wanna stay that way, betta take your butt to a hotel.
Natasha009
New Member
No one is insulting you for being young. At least I wasn't. I'm 29. Not old at all but I have enough common sense and life experience to know when something is a bad idea. You lack one or the other. Which would you prefer?
You obviously came on here looking for a bunch of co-signers and when that didn't happen, you started pouting and trying to make excuses. Don't start calling names because you asked those of us who don't live on Fantasy Island for advice and you came off looking bad in the process.
How have I come off looking bad exactly?? I asked for other people's advice and their point of view; I considered it and took it into consideration, which lead me to change my decision. I wasn't looking for anyone to co-sign, if I was I wouldn't have changed my original decision to stay with him. I was looking for genuine feedback.
Sorry If I have a problem with people calling me young, no one KNOWS me to call me young or immature, so I take that as an insult. From one situation where I'm asking for advice I'm immature?!!? Okay, I may have acted differently than most people would have in a situation, but that makes me mentally immature? I thought the point of an advice board was to get advice. 29 isn't old, but it's old enough to know better than to try and start fights on the internet. I guess everyone wants to be an internet gangsta these days....SMH. Your whole post didn't have ONE bit of advice, it was all just negativity and backhanded comments. I may be young, but I'm too old for all of that. KIM.
BrownieBrie
Well-Known Member
I never know what to expect with these threads. If anything I am shocked @ the amount of respect given to the girlfriend. It really goes against the "if you aren't a wife, your nobody" consensus I've grown accustomed to.
As for the OP. There seems to be no malicious intent, therefore no need for rock throwing. It was a silly idea that needs to rectified as much as possible. End of story, all the extra is unnecessary.
As for the OP. There seems to be no malicious intent, therefore no need for rock throwing. It was a silly idea that needs to rectified as much as possible. End of story, all the extra is unnecessary.
There was one post along those lines, but you don't want to out and out hurt someone's feelings, even if her man is a d__k. It's just wrong. Also, the girl sent an email voicing her displeasure, so this is something that's been simmering for awhile.
I'm just glad Natasha decided against it. So not worth the drama.
song_of_serenity
Well-Known Member
OP, you're not THAT young, stop harping on that but you are acting more naive and innocent than I believe you really are. You know full well that was a situation you had no part in taking part in. Boundaries were obviously crossed and if someone doesn't want their so's ex sleeping over at his place, sister there or NOT, it's not insecurity, it's common respect on your part.
I'm GLAD you're not going, but you shouldn't have even considered it in the first place.
I'm GLAD you're not going, but you shouldn't have even considered it in the first place.
brownelovely
Well-Known Member
Yeah, well I don't think young has anything to do with the situation as much as being naive. We all make decisions without thinking it completely through. Glad you changed your mind about staying there.
The drama that would occur afterwards will now be avoided as well. There's nothing wrong with asking advice on here but
be prepared for a battlefield. SMH...good luck though!
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
OK...first...Let's forget about the girlfriend for a second and focus on why you...OP, and your sister are traveling ALLLLLLLL the way to NYC without enough money for a plan B? That's a hot broke mess. If booking a 2 night stay at a hotel is that much of a financial burden then HELL...yall don't need to be going in the first place...My first piece of advice is to never travel without enough money to provide for emergency food, housing and transportation...and yes...this situation is definitely an emergency.
Ok...second...so what if she didn't voice her true feelings from the beginning, and so the hell what if the girlfriend changed her mind. She doesn't HAVE to give a damn about how her feelings effect your financial situation. Part of being a mature adult is being able to not only respect boundaries, but to also be able to ANTICIPATE the feelings and reactions of someone else regardless of if these feelings disagree with your own morals, values, practices or beliefs. Part of being mature is realizing that everyone don't think like you, nor do they want to sugar coat **** when they address you.
And third...remember this...you think your fiance is all okey-dokey with this but please believe he is taking notes, and saving this in his mental rolodex. Girl, don't lie to yourself and believe that this won't resurface later...it will.
Ok...second...so what if she didn't voice her true feelings from the beginning, and so the hell what if the girlfriend changed her mind. She doesn't HAVE to give a damn about how her feelings effect your financial situation. Part of being a mature adult is being able to not only respect boundaries, but to also be able to ANTICIPATE the feelings and reactions of someone else regardless of if these feelings disagree with your own morals, values, practices or beliefs. Part of being mature is realizing that everyone don't think like you, nor do they want to sugar coat **** when they address you.
And third...remember this...you think your fiance is all okey-dokey with this but please believe he is taking notes, and saving this in his mental rolodex. Girl, don't lie to yourself and believe that this won't resurface later...it will.
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Natasha009
New Member
I have enough money for a plan B. I just don't understand why she would let me make all these plans only to have a problem at the last minute, then force me to spend a small fortune or cancel the trip to change the plans. I already said I'm finding a hotel, I'm just not happy about it. This was a carefully planned trip, the only reason I'm still up when I'm supposed to be leaving for NYC tomorrow is to find a hotel! So how is that a broke mess?
She had 4 weeks to disagree - okay, whatevs, I shouldn't have even considered staying at his place, but then she should have been woman enough to say she had a problem with it. She knew all about me and my sister, and she seemed cool with it, until the night before. I'm not trying to justify my reasoning, but at the same time SHE AGREED! And the way she told me she had a problem with it wasn't cool AT ALL.
spelmanlocks
Well-Known Member
You are definitely out of line to stay with your ex knowing he has a girlfriend. She is well within her rights to drop him over this, cause this is very disrespectful on his part.
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
As long as you find another place to stay all is good.
You're right. Her simple self should have told you she wasn't cool with it in the beginning, but she didn't.
I wonder how your ex REALLY handled this? Yeah, you may have cc'd her, but something else is going on that you may not be privy to.
Whatever you do, don't stay at his place. Sorry, but dude is trifling. Don't just blame it on her.
AstroQueen77
Well-Known Member
Come one now. Have you never agreed to something then realized how dumb it was to agree to such a thing? Did you not ever feel the need to get it off your chest? She probably thought her man would later take charge and correct the situation. She probably waited, realized her man is good for nothing and has to tell someone off about how wrong this situation is. It was better she emailed you than you getting there and she stabbing you.
kmn1980
Emoticons don't affect me
*talking to myself* OK. Apparently she didn't read my first post that gave her "advice". She forgets that she started in with the "old and bitter". Not me. I feel that we all were very nice to her but oh well...
Make sure you take some mace with you on your trip.
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
It's not impractical in the least. Whole industries have been built up around last minute travel plans. If you are genuinely interested in finding an affordable hotel room, you can do it.
A couple of questions about the bold. First, had he said no in the first place, would you have cancelled your trip to New York altogether? It sounds like you would have just made other arrangments. It is true that you were planning on not getting a hotel room, but there's really no difference between having made hotel reservations in the first place and making them now.
If you're mad about having your plans disrupted--she did wait until the last minute after all--then I think that's where the perception of short sightedness is coming in. This is this woman's relationship. Perhaps she deeply loves your ex and wants to marry him and perceives you as a threat--rightly or wrongly. But still, the convenience of your travel arrangments doesn't compare with her need to feel emotionally secure in her relationship. It's nowhere on the same plane. (I'm not trying to throw rocks at all, just observing) Maybe she thought she could be okay with it originally, maybe she really wanted to be okay with it, but at the last minute knew it would be disruptive to her relationship--if only because she feels uncomfortable about it.
(btw, I think the not having sex thing really means very little. I am also a Christian and romantic jealousy knows no religious boundaries!
You all were intimate, you had his heart. She may not think that anything will happen sexually, but what if she dislikes that you all are still good friends? What if she secretly wonders if he's still into you? What if he's let some things slip in front of her that have given her doubts? You might know your intentions, but can you really know his? Really? I don't think you can always assume that insecurity is wholly unfounded.)Last minute or not, she did what she felt she needed to do to protect her relationship. And where you can just get a hotel, will have a fun trip regardless, and will forget about the incident, maybe this is something that could really hinder their relationship. You and your ex seem to have your own particular way of relating, so you clearly acted according to the norms between you two, and he should have made sure she was really okay. On that basis, I can't say you were originally wrong necessarily (maybe still not a wise choice), but I definitely think that you're according much too much importance to your travel arrangements being changed.
It's not a big deal. Just go have fun.
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WhipEffectz1
Well-Known Member
Bravo! You said a mouthful. An engaged woman staying with her ex-boyfriend? "Where they do that at?!" Although, I agree the girl should have taken it up with the BF but OP is clearly out of line. People don't never think something is wrong until reality comes back to bite them in the arse. I would not be staying with an ex boyfriend who is already attached. That's just too much nerves and balls if I say so myself. I hope this girl isn't gangsta because I know some females that would deliver a swift arse whooping for this type of behavior.
I'm talking beating you down like Kunta.....can't say it wouldn't be warranted.
msbettyboop
Well-Known Member
Hey OP, I ran this by a friend just to get a male perspective and this is the response he sent me:-
He still has feelings for her. The new g/f is insecure and most likely not going to last with the relationship and probably the reason he agreed to it. He's pushing her to create a situation to dump her. He already knows he is going to leave her. The g/f's best course of action is to play it cool and befriend the girl. The girl going to NY at this point should get a hotel room or she will just create a bad weekend for everyone. The guy that lives in NY should just dump his g/f, cause he doesn't respect her concerns and is most likely trying to create drama. I do feel that the only reason people keep in contact with ex's is one of few reasons;
1. they still have feelings and or wanna still screw them
2. they owe them money or are owed money
3. they have kids together
4. they feel sorry for them
there may be more but its not coming to mind right now. I do have to stress that I don't know the people and this is based on my experiences and I could be wrong. I would never do this with an ex. I would consider it with a female friend, but not someone I had or ever thought to have sex with. My gf of course would have to know her and be cool with her before it was ever considered, cause I don't want to have my penis cut off in my sleep.
He still has feelings for her. The new g/f is insecure and most likely not going to last with the relationship and probably the reason he agreed to it. He's pushing her to create a situation to dump her. He already knows he is going to leave her. The g/f's best course of action is to play it cool and befriend the girl. The girl going to NY at this point should get a hotel room or she will just create a bad weekend for everyone. The guy that lives in NY should just dump his g/f, cause he doesn't respect her concerns and is most likely trying to create drama. I do feel that the only reason people keep in contact with ex's is one of few reasons;
1. they still have feelings and or wanna still screw them
2. they owe them money or are owed money
3. they have kids together
4. they feel sorry for them
there may be more but its not coming to mind right now. I do have to stress that I don't know the people and this is based on my experiences and I could be wrong. I would never do this with an ex. I would consider it with a female friend, but not someone I had or ever thought to have sex with. My gf of course would have to know her and be cool with her before it was ever considered, cause I don't want to have my penis cut off in my sleep.
