Am I out of line? Ex bf drama

[1QTPie]

Why is everyone saying what their man would do or how they would react? Her post about her relationship is about HER relationship. Not all of us have the same "issues."

Once the girlfriend expressed concern, I would have made other plans. Simple as that. Too much drama.

All this extra about being friend's with exes and her age etc is ridiculous and not relevant. Y'all don't know this man to be calling him out of his name either. SOME people have genuine friendships with folks of the opposite sex even if they've dated. Not everyone is pure enemies because a situation didn't work out.

 

[1QTPie]

Whoops, just realized that this thread is a lil old. Just reading the update. Glad you had a good time. I stand by my previous post. Some of y'all were doing way too much.

 

[Makenzie]

OP, you sound like a sweet caring sister/person. Very happy you both had a good time.

 

[darlingdiva]

Okay. Intimacy does not necessarily mean sex. You had an intimate relationship with him on one level or another. You were living with him. He's seen you naked. You've seen him naked. This isn't calculus.

DITTO!!!!!! The two of you clearly had an intimate relationship. What's up w/ the nicknames & the girlfriend being second?

Stuff like this is EXACTLY why I feel that exes should sever ties once the relationship has ceased.

Yes, the girlfriend should have made her feelings known right away, but the major issue here is that you, OP (and your ex) are wrong for this. He was wrong to extend the invitation & you were wrong to accept.

Also, I'm VERY suspicious of your fiance being okay with your sleeping at your exes place. Is it because it gives him the go-ahead to dip his ink in someone else's pen bottle? Something about his calmness in this situation doesn't sit right with me AT ALL?

I'd also like to say that this isn't an issue of immaturity on the girlfriend's part; this is about a lack of boundaries and respect on your and your ex-boyfriend's part.

 

[darlingdiva]

OP, you're not THAT young, stop harping on that but you are acting more naive and innocent than I believe you really are. You know full well that was a situation you had no part in taking part in. Boundaries were obviously crossed and if someone doesn't want their so's ex sleeping over at his place, sister there or NOT, it's not insecurity, it's common respect on your part.

I'm GLAD you're not going, but you shouldn't have even considered it in the first place.

At the bolded:

You REALLY expect us to believe that you don't understand what the problem is with staying at your ex-boyfriend's house & the ex has a girlfriend???

If your fiance came to you with a similar situation, how understanding would you be? Would you REALLY believe his ex-girlfriend if she said she wasn't trying to start trouble?

 

[darlingdiva]

OK...first...Let's forget about the girlfriend for a second and focus on why you...OP, and your sister are traveling ALLLLLLLL the way to NYC without enough money for a plan B? That's a hot broke mess. If booking a 2 night stay at a hotel is that much of a financial burden then HELL...yall don't need to be going in the first place...My first piece of advice is to never travel without enough money to provide for emergency food, housing and transportation...and yes...this situation is definitely an emergency.

Ok...second...so what if she didn't voice her true feelings from the beginning, and so the hell what if the girlfriend changed her mind. She doesn't HAVE to give a damn about how her feelings effect your financial situation. Part of being a mature adult is being able to not only respect boundaries, but to also be able to ANTICIPATE the feelings and reactions of someone else regardless of if these feelings disagree with your own morals, values, practices or beliefs. Part of being mature is realizing that everyone don't think like you, nor do they want to sugar coat **** when they address you.

And third...remember this...you think your fiance is all okey-dokey with this but please believe he is taking notes, and saving this in his mental rolodex. Girl, don't lie to yourself and believe that this won't resurface later...it will.[/QUOTE]

I HATE to bring up the "young" thing again, but this is a perfect example of why you were being called "young."

 

[darlingdiva]

Everyone is different. You should have emailed the girlfriend back and told her well you agreed in the beginning so don't get all stankadank now. LOL Tell your ex to give you some money on a room to smooth over the last minute I'm pissed change or just suck it up and get a room then avoid this dude for the rest of your life. You would be shocked at the last minute deals you could find.

OH, HELLL NO!!! That would get him killed by his girlfriend!!! A man giving his ex-girlfriend money for a hotel room=SUPER DUPER NEGATIVE!!!!

Like Poohbear said, Natasha009 seems bummed about having to stay in a hotel instead of sleeping at the ex's place. What's the big deal if she's engaged? This is exactly why I don't believe she's naive as she says she is.

 

[spelmanlocks]

When you are in a relationship, your priority should be to make your current SO comfy not your ex even if you all are just good platonic friends. You made the right decision to get a hotel OP.

 

[darlingdiva]

an apology for responding to the situation as it was presented?... we'll have to agree to disagree on that one... i know what you're saying, but just like you object to making it the offended party's fault, i can't see placing fault with those who responded to the facts provided.... am i saying that EVERYTHING was justified?... no.... but things would have gone much smoother if significant pieces of the puzzle were revealed sooner rather than later (since they were revealed eventually without provocation).
QUOTE]

I was never upset that she said I couldn't stay at his house, I was upset about the way she told me (in a nasty email) and that she didn't say anything sooner to me, instead she waited until literally the night before the trip. I asked if I was out of line for accepting the offer, and if she was out of line for waiting until the last minute to tell me after we spent so much time planning this trip and so much went into the details. I didn't (and still don't) see how my sister being disabled has anything to do with that.

My motives wasn't to stay with him because of his help with my sister, it was because he was a friend who offered, and who's gf appeared to have no problem with it. I stated those motives repeatedly.

I do still agree that, simply put, it WAS out of line for me to have even accepted the offer, but like they say, you live and you learn. I guess I assumed b/c I wouldn't have a problem if I was the gf, she wouldn't have a problem. Overall I got pretty good advice here, and I don't regret changing my decision to stay with him. I do agree that some of the comments weren't justified, but I don't see how having a disabled sister suddenly changes that - they were unneccesary in any situation.

I'm just happy it all went smoothly and everything worked out!

Okay, I just got to your update. I'm SO glad that you understand that you were out of line to accept the offer, and I REALLY hope that you've learned something from all of this.

 

[AstroQueen77]

please don't say, "well if you had said that from the be-GINNING..."

Don't worry, I won't

 

[LunadeMiel]

So darn extra

The gf is tripping. If she had an issue she should have spoken up when the issue was brought up. OP you have to realize that not everyone shares the same ideas about friendships and relationships. Based on her actions, I don't think you would have wanted to be her friend anyway.

 

[aribell]

..........................................

 

[Miss_C]

Umm...yeah, totally agreewith a lot of these ladies OP. Even if you are engaged, you wouldn't be coming up in my house, sleeping on my sheets, up in my shower all nekkid and wearing towels and stuff....hecks no! I would have a straight up ATTITUDE the entire weekend. The only way I would be halfway cool is if your fiance was coming too, but then I would "suggest" to my bf that you should stay in a hotel with YOUR man...not in my house with mine.

 

[ellebelle88]

Umm...yeah, totally agreewith a lot of these ladies OP. Even if you are engaged, you wouldn't be coming up in my house, sleeping on my sheets, up in my shower all nekkid and wearing towels and stuff....hecks no! I would have a straight up ATTITUDE the entire weekend. The only way I would be halfway cool is if your fiance was coming too, but then I would "suggest" to my bf that you should stay in a hotel with YOUR man...not in my house with mine.

Yeah, ok...we discussed this. It's over now.

 

[Ese88]

I'm just seeing this thread for the first time today & i'm so glad you had a great time OP.
I think alot of times people give opinions based on their own life experiences & we just have to take them with a grain of salt because everyone is not the same.
It's great that you & your ex are still friends & parted amicably not everything has to be drama in life.

 

[Curlybeauty]

I'm glad you had a great time, as well as your sis. And threads like these, make me thankful for the few posters that I trust for SOUND, CONSTRUCTIVE, and GENUINE advice. PM land is the best.

 

[Kurlee]

realized this is old

 

[SleekandBouncy]

Hey OP, I ran this by a friend just to get a male perspective and this is the response he sent me:-

He still has feelings for her. The new g/f is insecure and most likely not going to last with the relationship and probably the reason he agreed to it. He's pushing her to create a situation to dump her. He already knows he is going to leave her. The g/f's best course of action is to play it cool and befriend the girl. The girl going to NY at this point should get a hotel room or she will just create a bad weekend for everyone. The guy that lives in NY should just dump his g/f, cause he doesn't respect her concerns and is most likely trying to create drama. I do feel that the only reason people keep in contact with ex's is one of few reasons;

1. they still have feelings and or wanna still screw them
2. they owe them money or are owed money
3. they have kids together
4. they feel sorry for them

there may be more but its not coming to mind right now. I do have to stress that I don't know the people and this is based on my experiences and I could be wrong. I would never do this with an ex. I would consider it with a female friend, but not someone I had or ever thought to have sex with. My gf of course would have to know her and be cool with her before it was ever considered, cause I don't want to have my penis cut off in my sleep.

That's basically what my BF said when I asked him.

I'm glad everything worked out okay for the OP an that she was able to find reasonably priced and comfortable lodging and still have fun.

Edited the rest since realizing this thread is oldish.

 

[Bmack]

I've been planning a trip to NYC with my sister for a few weeks, and we will be staying with my ex boyfriend. Me and him have known each other for 6 years, we dated for two (lived together the last 5 months of our relationship) and have been broken up for over 3 years. We have always gotten along terrifically, and have remained good friends over the years.

He has a girlfriend he has been dating for about 6 months. He told me (this week) she is extra upset that I am visiting him and will be staying over, and to expect the side eye and the cold treatment basically. She is also upset that he planned a really nice weekend for me and my sister so we can get the most out of NYC. She is included in almost everything we're going to do, except activities she opted out of, and she most likely will be around almost the WHOLE time I am there, most likely even at night. Also another thing is that we have the same name but he calls me by a nickname most times, so he said she will be really upset to know she is the second.

She emailed me today (our first ever communication) telling me among other things I am "out of line" for staying with him the entire weekend. I didn't even respond b/c I will see her tomorrow. I think she was trying to get me to cancel the trip, but it's too late, it's already planned and tickets to various things bought.

I just feel kind of stressed out. I can kind of see where she is coming from, but at the same time, to email me such a nasty email is really going above and beyond, and now I'm worried all the tension will ruin me and my sisters trip. I'm also happily engaged! I'm just going to try and play nice, but I feel like she's already set the tone of the weekend with the email. I haven't told my ex bf about the email and don't plan too.

This right here makes it wrong. I understand you have a good relationship, but I would not stay with an ex who is in a relationship. She does have a right to be upset. I think that his actions and yours are crossing the line. OP, I would say put yourself in her shoes-truly put yourself there and think about what all this means. It looks bad.

 

[Bmack]

Classic case of insecurity.

Really? I don't think the GF is wrong at all. Her BF needs to get it together, but I would not feel comfortable in this situation either I guess that makes me insecure.

The only dif between me and his GF is that he would be seeing the back of my head as he tried to explain because I would be ghost from this relationship.

Anyone on here can say that they would not be mad, but that ish is a damn lie in my OP. Your man chilling with his ex the whole weekend at his home. Who cares if you are involved. Anyone would be mad. People kill me...

 

[Makenzie]

OP, you may want to ask a moderator to close this thread since your trip is over with. Just a thought.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

I agree with everyone who said this whole plan is ill-conceived...not just in your part, but on the part of your ex.

But, since the tickets are paid for and you already on your way, I would take it upon myself to defuse her anger. The best way to do this is to take some blame on yourself, even though honestly, I think the ex is most at fault since he's cheerfully opening up his home to you and putting his energy into planning a fun weekend for you. But willingly taking some blame will go a long way toward mollifying a wronged person.

I would directly and vocally defer to the girlfriend woman-to-woman, with honesty and tact: "I just saw your email a little while ago, and you're right--Me and _____ (ex's name) didn't consider your feelings and how this could be awkward for you. I apologize for my part in it and hope that we can be cool together this weekend."

Then, for the rest of the weekend, make sure that you address her directly an equal amount as you do her boyfriend, that you consult her about her ideas for what to do/where to eat/etc, and that you and the ex MINIMIZE any use of cutesy nicknames for each other or fond reminisces about places you went together or thing you did in the past.

It seems like a lot of work to do to maintain cordial relations, but this is the volatile situation you and your ex chose to put yourselves in.

I wish you the best of luck!

PERFECT RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

The weekend ended up being great, we got to do most of the stuff I had planned for my sister and I think she really enjoyed the trip. They showed us their area of NYC, and we all got along really well. We didn't get to do everything b/c of the change of plans and b/c we stayed in a different area than where he is located, but that was fine overall.

Hotel price was never the main issue - but I was able to find a suitable one for us. My sister is sick and disabled so I can't just take her to any cheap hotel place, it needs to not only be handicap accessible but handicap friendly in terms of the room and bathroom, some places are too small and while they meet the bare minimum, it's just not comfortable. Obviously the location needs to be perfect as well.

His girlfriend was really nice. She was throwing me shade at first, but I think she quickly realized there was no feelings between us at all. He just knows how to help with my sister from us being together before. We all had dinner together and went out after (me and my sis explored NYC together, then met up later with them in the evening). I didn't mention the email to him and she did apologize for the things she said in it. I also apologized for even excepting the offer - I think she understood that there was no ill will meant on my part.

I wasn't able to get all the money back for some things we couldn't do, like the bike riding b/c we had already arranged for the bike (it's a special type) to be delivered at his house in the morning but it was too late to get it changed to our hotel, plus it was too late to plan a new route that centered around our new location.

Overall the trip was a success.

In regards to MY fiancee, he knows me and so he doesn't have a problem with it. He has an ex that is a friend and I have NO problem with it either, we trust each other to the fullest. It's not like I was going to stay at my exe's house and his gf wasn't going to be there. And my sister.

Also to clear something else up, I didn't plan this trip with the intentions of seeing my ex, I planned this trip b/c it was something my sister always wanted to do.

I'm simply surprised by alot of the negativity I received on this board. People calling me names, talking about my finances, etc etc; to me, THAT'S immature. It seems some people took it WAAAY to personal

In any event, the trip is over and done with, everything worked out, and I do appreciate the advice from those of you ladies who were constructive and helpful.

HEY TOSHA!
I SEE THE TRIP IS OVER! DNT KNOW WHEN IT WAS....BUT I SEND YOU MANY BLESSINGS & ADMIRE YOUR GRACE IN YOUR RESPONSES!!!

I'M HERE (ON THIS FORUM) B/C I CAME OUT THE BAG ON A COUPLE OF FOLKS ON ANOTHER FORUM!! I LEFT B/C I COULDN'T COME THRU THE COMPUTER SCREEN & HAVE NO REASON TO TAKE IT OUT ON MY MAC

SO MANY BLESSINGS SIS! I DIDN'T AGREE WITH YOU STAYING THERE EITHER, SIMPLY B/C I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE OTHER SISTERS SHOES................
HOWEVER....THE RESPONSES ON THE BOARDS NEVER FAIL TO LEAVE ME IN AWWWWWWW

I CAN'T BELIEVE.......NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE CAN'T SIMPLY CHOOSE HOW TO ADDRESS ONE ANOTHER WITH RESPECT
BUT AS I SAID, AS LONG AS I'M TYPING ....I DON'T BELIEVE IN STRESSING, ARGUING....OR "TRYING TO GET WIT U " AS SOME DO

I REALLY HAVE HARD TIME EXISTING IN FRIENDSHIPS WITH MY SISTERS B/C IT SEEMS THESE SITUATIONS CONTINUE TO COME UP...WORK, SCHOOL, HAIRBOARDS??????

WOW, I STILL SAY YOU HANDLED YOURSELF IMPECCABLY!!!!

 

[MissK7]

hmmm.... i see both sides and it all depends on the people involved. me i have no problem with exes cause i couldn't be with someone i don't trust 100%. as soon as i don't trust you its over period.

so if i were the ex you could so come over and stay. no problem.... for most women there is a tendency to be very possessive over their men- i wont judge it but that's just reality. so seeing that she is uncomfy with it, even tho its at the last minute, i would find other plans. lol and there are pple who completely understand where you're coming from. pple can be friends with exes and even stay over at exes houses without steppin on anyone's toes as long as all are ok with it. this is not a big deal period. you just have to know what kind of pple you're dealin with. obviously with many of the posters in this thread its a no go, but there are many pple who would be fine with it, includin myself... that is all.

 

[dinanicole]

Go have fun. Damn it ....

 

[MuseofTroy]

I've been planning a trip to NYC with my sister for a few weeks, and we will be staying with my ex boyfriend. Me and him have known each other for 6 years, we dated for two (lived together the last 5 months of our relationship) and have been broken up for over 3 years. We have always gotten along terrifically, and have remained good friends over the years.

He has a girlfriend he has been dating for about 6 months. He told me (this week) she is extra upset that I am visiting him and will be staying over, and to expect the side eye and the cold treatment basically. She is also upset that he planned a really nice weekend for me and my sister so we can get the most out of NYC. She is included in almost everything we're going to do, except activities she opted out of, and she most likely will be around almost the WHOLE time I am there, most likely even at night. Also another thing is that we have the same name but he calls me by a nickname most times, so he said she will be really upset to know she is the second.

She emailed me today (our first ever communication) telling me among other things I am "out of line" for staying with him the entire weekend. I didn't even respond b/c I will see her tomorrow. I think she was trying to get me to cancel the trip, but it's too late, it's already planned and tickets to various things bought.

I just feel kind of stressed out. I can kind of see where she is coming from, but at the same time, to email me such a nasty email is really going above and beyond, and now I'm worried all the tension will ruin me and my sisters trip. I'm also happily engaged! I'm just going to try and play nice, but I feel like she's already set the tone of the weekend with the email. I haven't told my ex bf about the email and don't plan too.

I actually understand where she is coming from. Why are you involving your ex to your trip to NYC? Event hough he is the one in the relationship, I think you should be woman enough to start backing off. I don’t think your interaction with the ex is appropriate even if you guys are still on friendly terms. I’m not an insecure but if that was my boyfriend I would have a serious conversation with him and wouldn’t want him hanging out with you.

 

[sky_blu]

OP this is the wrong forum to ask questions about relationships on LOL. I know this is the relationship forum but you have to realize the members of the board will disagree on just about EVERYTHING you post on. Meaning that if youre going one way and want back up the majority will go the opposite way and slay you on the board. Personally, I dont think you did anything wrong. Instead of sending that email to you, she SHOULD HAVE had a talk with her boyfriend if she had a problem with it. If she felt that type of way about the situation she should have let it be known before he invited you to stay with him. Im waayyy late on this but I hope you had a good time and the drama didn't stop it. You all haven't been together for 3 years, you have a fiance, and they've been together for 6 months. Maybe its just me but I wouldn't see a problem and to question my value system or morals are irrelevant. By reading the first two pages of the comments, I would've thought you said you slept with him knowing he has a wife and were asking if you should continue the relationship. SMDH bitter women.

 

[MuseofTroy]

I'm not going to stay at his house. The whole point was if she had said something, then all of this wouldnt have happened.

I'm looking up places to stay for Saturday night, but I haven't found a solution yet (I'm going to have to pay my sister's way).I'm thinking of going for just the day.

I could kind of see where she was coming from before, but honestly, it's not worth all the drama, especially thinking that if she was thinking half the things some of you think, I'd be dead in my sleep

I don't care if I'm young, I hate when people say that like it's an insult. When someone calls someone else "young" it usually means they are old. And worse then just being old, also bitter. Yeah, I'll pass on that.

People are calling you young because you are coming off as very immature. If you can’t get it in that brain of yours why your ex-boyfriend’s SO has an issue then I question your common sense. Part of me believes you are playing games and know exactly that the scenario you described is highly inappropriate.

 

[MuseofTroy]

OK...first...Let's forget about the girlfriend for a second and focus on why you...OP, and your sister are traveling ALLLLLLLL the way to NYC without enough money for a plan B? That's a hot broke mess. If booking a 2 night stay at a hotel is that much of a financial burden then HELL...yall don't need to be going in the first place...My first piece of advice is to never travel without enough money to provide for emergency food, housing and transportation...and yes...this situation is definitely an emergency.

Ok...second...so what if she didn't voice her true feelings from the beginning, and so the hell what if the girlfriend changed her mind. She doesn't HAVE to give a damn about how her feelings effect your financial situation. Part of being a mature adult is being able to not only respect boundaries, but to also be able to ANTICIPATE the feelings and reactions of someone else regardless of if these feelings disagree with your own morals, values, practices or beliefs. Part of being mature is realizing that everyone don't think like you, nor do they want to sugar coat **** when they address you.

And third...remember this...you think your fiance is all okey-dokey with this but please believe he is taking notes, and saving this in his mental rolodex. Girl, don't lie to yourself and believe that this won't resurface later...it will.

Amen...The OP sounds broke which makes me wonder why she is traveling to NYC in the first place. Something isn’t adding up.

 

[The Girl]

WHAT.IN.THE.BLUE.H--?