All This Chatter About Dating White Men, And Frankly...

With all due respect, OP, maybe I missed it, but I did not read why you married your husband. I read why you dumped that loser, but I didn't read qualities that lead you to marry this PARTICULAR man, regardless of color.

This is coming from a woman who is happily married to a man who happens to be white, but if someone asked me why I married my husband, I wouldn't go into detail about the guys who came before. I would explain why THIS MAN is the man of my dreams.

I see that the thread is 5 pages long already. I'm sure someone has already said what I've said here. *off to read*

*Finished reading.* As a fellow writer, I'm not mad at you. I think you could have gone about this more, shall we say, discretely. Good luck!
 
Last edited:
TCatt86 said:
And this is why many black women have problems with becoming baby mamas instead of wives. We get caught up on the credentials, we often give the man a pass because he's good on paper. I can recognize game a mile a way, that's something women are taught as young girls, but if we choose to still deal with a guy because he is good on paper despite his flaws, well then we wind up being a baby mama.
Click to expand...

That's true. I dated a guy like the OP's ex-bf. College degree, no kids, worked on buying a house, etc and I learned all that glitters defnitely isn't gold. :nono:
 
emerald06 said:
With all due respect, OP, maybe I missed it, but I did not read why you married your husband. I read why you dumped that loser, but I didn't read qualities that lead you to marry this PARTICULAR man, regardless of color.

This is coming from a woman who is happily married to a man who happens to be white, but if someone asked me why I married my husband, I wouldn't go into detail about the guys who came before. I would explain why THIS MAN is the man of my dreams.

I see that the thread is 5 pages long already. I'm sure someone has already said what I've said here. *off to read*
Click to expand...

Good point! I guess that's why this particular writing never went beyond a blog post. But why I married my husband is pretty vanilla (hee hee). I thought he was smart, cute, came from a great family, loved my baby daughter, had the kind of integrity like I'd never, ever seen before, loves traditions, loves to cook with me, loves my cooking, loves to debate on political issues (you know I needed someone like that) loves to travel, and most of all he thinks.....

I'M THE BEE'S KNEES! :grin::grin:
 
You remind me of another poster that was a writer and married to a white guy. I don't think she posts anymore. But she kinda had the same mantra. Meh, to each their own. People find love or search for love with different people for different reasons. I don't personally care. Your story has nothing to do with my reality. But I'm glad you're happy, nonetheless.
 
sipp100 said:
This is the thinking that leaves so many "strong, independent" Black women without a husband. Education and success is NOT what attracts most successful men...sorry.
Click to expand...

Of course that's not the be all and end all, but it does help, b/c it places you in the same circles as them.

Ehren said:
Barak Obama is not typical. His choice of wife, her personality and their shared goals aside, was in SOME way heavily influenced by his political ambitions. Nothing less than the "best" would do.

Your typical successful man, say a true alpha, doesn't need his "equal" in terms of financial success. Why would he? He's taken care of that. He doesn't want an idiot, but a mensa member is not at the top of the list. In my experience.
Click to expand...

Well, in my experience, that's not the case at all :ohwell:. While most of the guys I know with longterm girlfriends/fiancees/wives make more than their SO, their SOs all went to well-known colleges and all of these girls are in overlapping social circles, meaning that if you play 6 degrees of separation, someone knows the girl from LMNO college, XYZ sorority chapter, or ABC Black Union planning committee, or DEF book club, etc. Also, a lot of these women are in white-collar professions.

Unless you guys are talking about the South, IME, Black men date Black women (at least in my age group...20s) who are at or near their level. Case in point, one dude gets clowned by his Wall Street peers behind his back b/c he married his admin. asst. Another guy friend of my dropped this girl b/c she had no other plans besides just working in human resources at some investment bank until she got married and had a baby.

No one is bringing Mary from the Macy's Customer Service desk to functions b/c she "looks good." Just like we have checklists, they have them as well...and they're more stringent, b/c the cards are definitely in their favor.

sea1980 said:
This thread is interesting. Bashing black men is a no-no, but bashing black women is a-ok.

If you want to know the answer to the question of why black women are willing to accept "so little" from black men, perhaps it makes sense to start there.
Click to expand...

Thank you. While Black women have work to do as well, Black men have slightly more to fix if we want to see Black marriage rates rise. In our patriarchal society, it is the man's job to ask you to marry him. You can do everything in your power, be his best friend, his confidante, his support, clean, cook, do his laundry, be awesome in bed, etc.; but if he doesn't recognize the value of marriage, he's not going to ask you to marry him.

sea1980 said:
Also, I don't think it's fair to pretend that all a black woman (or any woman) has to do in a relationship is demand respect and then respect will be forthcoming. Unless you married the first man you dated, you must know that is not the case.

Another point I think we're ignoring is that, while we don't want to admit it, many black men are very comfortable admitting that on the whole black american men are less marriage-minded than black men from other countries and american men of other races, and that this issue spans across socio-economic lines. I'm not sure why people here are sticking their heads in the sand about this.

BTW, saying someone is less marriage-minded is not necessarily a perjorative. I know a lot of great people who just don't like the idea of marriage.
Click to expand...

Thank you, once again. They are not as marriage minded as other groups and there is nothing wrong with stating that.
 
Menina Preta said:
Of course that's not the be all and end all, but it does help, b/c it places you in the same circles as them.



Well, in my experience, that's not the case at all :ohwell:. While most of the guys I know with longterm girlfriends/fiancees/wives make more than their SO, their SOs all went to well-known colleges and all of these girls are in overlapping social circles, meaning that if you play 6 degrees of separation, someone knows the girl from LMNO college, XYZ sorority chapter, or ABC Black Union planning committee, or DEF book club, etc. Also, a lot of these women are in white-collar professions.

Unless you guys are talking about the South, IME, Black men date Black women (at least in my age group...20s) who are at or near their level. Case in point, one dude gets clowned by his Wall Street peers behind his back b/c he married his admin. asst. Another guy friend of my dropped this girl b/c she had no other plans besides just working in human resources at some investment bank until she got married and had a baby.

No one is bringing Mary from the Macy's Customer Service desk to functions b/c she "looks good." Just like we have checklists, they have them as well...and they're more stringent, b/c the cards are definitely in their favor.



Thank you. While Black women have work to do as well, Black men have slightly more to fix if we want to see Black marriage rates rise. In our patriarchal society, it is the man's job to ask you to marry him. You can do everything in your power, be his best friend, his confidante, his support, clean, cook, do his laundry, be awesome in bed, etc.; but if he doesn't recognize the value of marriage, he's not going to ask you to marry him.



Thank you, once again. They are not as marriage minded as other groups and there is nothing wrong with stating that.
Click to expand...

:yep::yep::yep::yep::yep::yep::yep:
 
I said it before and I will say it again, do I get a cookie or a drumstick if I find a White man to marry? :look:

I'm happy you're happy OP but I have and love a BM who has proved each and every one of the "stereotypes" wrong. :grin:
 
Seriously, I have noticed a lot of my black friends who ended up with WM/AM are all looked after well. However the non blacks they chose were totally different from their black SOs:look:. One of my friends went from a BM drug dealer who always wanted to watch DVDs as a romantic time, to a WM property developer who took her to theatres and African safaris:ohwell:.

One BFF I have that tried opening her options talked to the most ghetto non black men ever. Because she didn't change any of the other criteria/standards she got the same types of guys. I think its easy for people who do not have self awareness to think that the good result comes from race, rather than the other PERSONALITY traits they actively avoid in future choices due to said bad experience.

When people do IRR later in life they often try a different type of man at the same time = success.

Contrary to what some believe I think many black women are much more rigorous when crossing over and vetting potentials. Mostly to do with suspiscion issues.
 
ticklespinkies that reminds me of how black men will date tow down black women, hoodrats really, then end up dating a white woman like, three tax brackets above him plus is a Vicky S's model.

Then he yells "black women ain't ****".

:huh: ? Something ain't right here...
 
tickledpinkies09 said:
Seriously, I have noticed a lot of my black friends who ended up with WM/AM are all looked after well. However the non blacks they chose were totally different from their black SOs:look:. One of my friends went from a BM drug dealer who always wanted to watch DVDs as a romantic time, to a WM property developer who took her to theatres and African safaris:ohwell:.

One BFF I have that tried opening her options talked to the most ghetto non black men ever. Because she didn't change any of the other criteria/standards she got the same types of guys. I think its easy for people who do not have self awareness to think that the good result comes from race, rather than the other PERSONALITY traits they actively avoid in future choices due to said bad experience.

When people do IRR later in life they often try a different type of man at the same time = success.

Contrary to what some believe I think many black women are much more rigorous when crossing over and vetting potentials. Mostly to do with suspiscion issues.
Click to expand...

Now. That. Is. Interesting. Could be a story there. Great psychological assessment!
 
winterinatl said:
ticklespinkies that reminds me of how black men will date tow down black women, hoodrats really, then end up dating a white woman like, three tax brackets above him plus is a Vicky S's model.

Then he yells "black women ain't ****".

:huh: ? Something ain't right here...
Click to expand...

Wouldn't you agree that "three tax brackets above" mates are few and far between in the AA community? Just asking, not taking anything away from your point though.
 
Muse’s advice for finding a GREAT man (regardless of “color”)

1. Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself how do you expect someone else to?

2. Have a purpose in life. A man wasn’t created to give your life purpose. You need to have goals and a life outside of him. Nothing is more unattractive than a desperate woman who puts pressure on a man to be her entire existence.

3. Work out your issues. Nothing is worse than getting into a relationship with someone with unresolved mommy, daddy, romantic, or psychotic issues. If you had a traumatic childhood consider getting some help before you get into a relationship. Don’t use another human being to resolve your issues. It is not another individual’s responsibility to save you either. I highly recommend that everyone sees a therapist at least once. Don’t act like you are in denial. If you have some emotional or mental issues please seek help, not a relationship

4. Be mindful of your company. Women often times repel nice guys because they keep bad company. If your girlfriends are a bunch of evil broads then what makes you so different? Guys aren’t that stupid. They notice these things.

5. Learn to VET. I know “vetting” is such an overused word but come on folks. Do you interview your doctors or people who work on your care (if you don’t then you really need to start). Take the time to get to know the man you are interested in. Give yourself a few months seriously. Most guys aren’t rushing to be in a relationship anyway. Most good guys want to take the time to know the woman they are interested in. Often women put pressure on men to classify their relationship before they had the chance to truly see if they actually like each other.

6. Stop sleeping around. This is old school advice but the truth is sexually undisciplined women are the ones who end up heart broken or with loser boyfriends. An orgasm isn’t worth your mental or physical well being. Control yourself. You aren’t an animal. If you have “needs” work that out yourself. Most women aren’t able to separate sex from love. Once you have sex with a man typically an intense bond is formed. Have you noticed it’s much easier to get over a guy you never had sex with? Think about that for a moment and ask yourself why.

7. Be okay with break ups. Stuff happens. Even nice people aren’t always compatible. You don’t have to marry every guy you date. Sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for a season and that’s it. Holding onto something past its expiration date is dangerous.

8. Last but not least, you have 100% control over how people treat you. Sometimes guys test women out to see what buttons they can push and what they can get away with. If a man behaves disrespectfully towards you, handle it. It doesn’t mean yelling or cursing either. It means take care of it like a mature woman who is comfortable in her own skin would. Also know your deal breakers and honor them. Everyone has a deal breaker. You need to honor your deal breaker. If cheating is a deal breaker for you then own it. Don’t back peddle because once you do that, then that opens the doors to all sorts of problems. You also need to be okay with walking away when one of your deal breakers is violated.
 
Last edited:
sipp100 said:
Beg to differ. I live in a upscale neighborhood and MOST of these marriages, including my own, are "lopsided". Most of the men in my neighborhood are the main breadwinners. I only hear broke men talking about "she gotta have her own". Successful men don't care if you are a waitress or a clerical worker. They do not NEED or want any of your money. When's the last time you heard a rich man worrying about if his wife gets out and works? Forcing your wife to work is decidedly "low class". BTW, I'm not talking about a woman who "chooses" to work.
Click to expand...


That is so true. I have a little screener question when I date guys. I tell them when I’m a wife working should be an option for me because I expect my man to be the breadwinner. Sadly the low class tier guys start hyperventilating and getting an attitude about that while men from upper class tiers aren't so bothered by that. It doesn't mean I'm a lazy person. Knowing my personality I will always work or be productive but I expect my husband to be able to carry the household unless he is ill. I use that question honestly as a filter. I don’t waste time with men who expect their wives to work like mules. I have a traditional point of view regarding marriage and I want to date someone who shares that view.
 
Last edited:
MuseofTroy said:

That is so true. I have a little screener question when I date guys. I tell them when I’m a wife working should be an option for me because I expect my man to be the breadwinner. Sadly the low class tier guys start hyperventilating and getting an attitude about that while men from upper class tiers aren't so bothered by that. It doesn't mean I'm a lazy person. Knowing my personality I will always work or be productive but I exact my husband to be able to carry the household unless he is ill. I use that question honestly as a filter. I don’t waste time with men who expect their wives to work like mules. I have a traditional point of view regarding marriage and I want to date someone who shares that view.
Click to expand...

I agree to a point. Being college-educated was a prerequisite for my hubby. But he didn't necessarily need me to be a bread winner, he just wanted me to be...accomplished. I am successful in my own right...I'm a writer but I'm a full time stay and home mom to our four children. I write on the side. It's hat money for vacations and fun. My husband is also proud to bring hom e the bacon and appreciates how hard it is to do what I do. But, at the beginning, I had to bring something to the table.
 
Christelyn said:
I agree to a point. Being college-educated was a prerequisite for my hubby. But he didn't necessarily need me to be a bread winner, he just wanted me to be...accomplished. I am successful in my own right...I'm a writer but I'm a full time stay and home mom to our four children. I write on the side. It's hat money for vacations and fun. My husband is also proud to bring hom e the bacon and appreciates how hard it is to do what I do. But, at the beginning, I had to bring something to the table.
Click to expand...

I think the bolded is key. I don't find many guys nowadays who just go for personality and/or looks. You have to be accomplished in some way...
 
Menina Preta said:
I think the bolded is key. I don't find many guys nowadays who just go for personality and/or looks. You have to be accomplished in some way...
Click to expand...

Not always. I know plenty of men who date women for only being pretty. It really depends on the individual and their value system.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

I
  • Locked
Two White Washed People Dating?
3 4 5
Replies
131
Views
6K
Makenzie
Makenzie
L
Black Women Needing To Hit On White Men?
Replies
20
Views
768
Belle Du Jour
Belle Du Jour
V
Constant Chatter -> Silence. Why?
Replies
27
Views
542
ThickHair
T
S
Blue Collar Men and White Collar Men...
Replies
24
Views
475
Ballerina_Bun
B
BronzyBella
Dating BM Who Are Used to Dating WW
Replies
28
Views
1K
CORBINS
CORBINS
Back
Top