20 yr friendship over because no kids allowed

[LadyPBC]

I totally agree and was going to recommend what Kimbosheart said. Invite them all to the wedding but not to the reception. I'm sure that would cause problems too but offer it as a compromise. Don't allow this misunderstanding to end your 20 year friendship or prevent your goddaughter from being a part of your big day.

 

[Keen]

Why shouldn't there be? I want a certain look. A flower girl and boy and the ring bearer. 3 well behaved kids is what I chose. Now it's just 1 to avoid anymore issues.

I don't think you should exclude your Godson. His mom didn't have any issues. Just have him carry a bible or something. Just leave out the flower girl or find a flower girl who's parent don't have issues.

 

[tmhuggiebear]

Rules of etiquette has evolved over times and are specific to cultural and religious practices. It's all a matter of opinion actually and experts often have varying opinions on what is acceptable and appropriate. However, I'm pretty sure one common and popular wedding etiquette is to be consistent and avoid making exceptions. I don't accept rules of "etiquette" in most regards but I follow the golden rule, "treat others as you would like others to treat you."

As I've previously stated, I don't think the friend was wrong for her opinion just the way she expressed it. And I don't think OP is obligated to extend a plus two to a member of the wedding party.

Rules of etiquette are not a matter of opinion. It's just that some people choose to follow and others don't.

While I do not consider myself to be an etiquette expert at all, I am well aware of the what the experts say as I have interviewed several of them for work purposes.

OP would have been full within her rights to exclude children outside of family of the wedding party should she have chosen too.

Also, the etiquette guidelines are put in place to be a good host and avoid hurt feelings. I'm sure the OP did not attend to hurt anyone's feelings with excluding the other children, but I do see why the mother and child may feel offended. And that is why etiquette dictates you include those children.

 

[danniegirl]

But if she let those kids come she's going to have to let the kids in her actual family come too. At some point you just have to be firm. A wedding invitation is just that, an invite. You are not obligated to attend, you can decline. If you choose to accept the invitation then you have to follow the hostess decision.

Truthfully, the mom doesn't even have to come. She can stay home and watch her kids

oh please with the mom staying home ....... Op should have just had a grown flower girl or even a teenager that would have been justified no kids mean no kids

 

[sj10460]

Rules of etiquette are not a matter of opinion. It's just that some people choose to follow and others don't.

While I do not consider myself to be an etiquette expert at all, I am well aware of the what the experts say as I have interviewed several of them for work purposes.

OP would have been full within her rights to exclude children outside of family of the wedding party should she have chosen too.

someone made these rules up. It was formed from their opinion of what is proper and acceptable behavior. Either of those books you mention could be revised and the rules can change.

 

[sj10460]

oh please with the mom staying home ....... Op should have just had a grown flower girl or even a teenager that would have been justified no kids mean no kids

Well, the mom doesn't really sound like a friend tbh. Besides, the mother and sister will be there. The "friend" doesn't really have to attend since she doesn't want her other kids left out. She can make sure she takes them out so they don't feel jaded.

 

[danniegirl]

Well, the mom doesn't really sound like a friend tbh. Besides, the mother and sister will be there. The "friend" doesn't really have to attend since she doesn't want her other kids left out. She can make sure she takes them out so they don't feel jaded.

i dont think its about that, OP is shading this all towards the friend but you see how she talks about the other children, she made a point to mention WELL BEHAVED children and she made another point mentioning that her friend had to tell her about bringing gifts for just one child ....

.... OP is ostracizing those other children and she has done it in the past also that is why the friend is cursing her out the way she did.

side note the mama and sister are the op guest they have nothing to do with the "friend"

Im team Friend w kids

 

[tmhuggiebear]

someone made these rules up. It was formed from their opinion of what is proper and acceptable behavior. Either of those books you mention could be revised and the rules can change.

sj10460
Trust me. I see your point and where you are coming from because I used to think the same way. I really really did. In fact, I got into many arguments with people about the subject matter. And had the same stance you did.

Rules is probably the wrong word to use. They are guidelines to be a good host and avoid hurt feelings. It's not that one person made it up. They are guidelines researched to avoid potential hurt feelings. I did not realize this until I made many many etiquette mistakes when planning my wedding and other events and began researching it more.

The situation with the OP may be a perfect example of why these etiquette guidelines are in place - because of the hurt feelings involved.

Another example, is not placing "monetary gifts preferred" on invitations because those why can't afford to give money may feel ashamed or that the gift they do bring won't be appreciated because of the "money" request which can again hurt feelings.

Now of course, even with etiquette some people may still be ridiculous, upset and be hurt, but for the most part following etiquette generally helps you avoid these issues.

 

[Mortons]

oh please with the mom staying home ....... Op should have just had a grown flower girl or even a teenager that would have been justified no kids mean no kids

If the mom has an issue, she should just decline and stay at home. You dont tell a bride how she needs to run her day even if you disagree. Just decline the invitation, send it back, and be done with it.

 

[sj10460]

i dont think its about that, OP is shading this all towards the friend but you see how she talks about the other children, she made a point to mention WELL BEHAVED children and she made another point mentioning that her friend had to tell her about bringing gifts for just one child ....

.... OP is ostracizing those other children and she has done it in the past also that is why the friend is cursing her out the way she did.

side note the mama and sister are the op guest they have nothing to do with the "friend"

Im team Friend w kids

Now, I agree the roach comment was unnecessary but OP is understandably frustrated and people say things out of anger.

My Godmother bought me gifts all the time and sent me clothes but she did little to nothing for my brother. However, my brother's Godmother was completely opposite; she did for my brother and I equally. Some people are just like that, they do for "theirs."

Honestly, IDK. I'm conflicted on how I feel about that. A Godparent has a special relationship with their Godchild. Should someone be obligated to do for ALL the kids every time they wants to do something for their Godchild? I don't think so. However, I do think it's the parents job to make sure their children are treated fairly. But I don't think kids will always be treated the same. I know I have favorite cousins and I do show favoritism towards the ones I like. Maybe once I have children I'll behave differently. Or maybe I won't. I kinda grew up with it being acceptable in a way. My grandfather doesn't like girls. He showed no interest in the girls of the family, yet he has all daughters I'm the oldest grandchild and he's always showed little to no interest in me. But my brother? He LOVES him. Life isn't fair. Nothing my mother could do. That's just how he is. Some people are just how they are.

 

[sj10460]

This is diverting from the OP but tmhuggiebear I'm curious about baby shower etiquette. My cousin just had a baby shower this past weekend. This is his third child and another boy. His oldest is 5 and the youngest is 2. I didn't attend nor send a gift because I think they're having too many baby showers. Traditionally, you only had one baby shower, right? Is it proper to have a baby shower for every child? Wouldn't a celebration party be more appropriate?

 

[TayMac]

A true friend of 20years would likely be IN the wedding party. From the followup remarks by OP, this friendship was already over.

 

[MD_Lady]

OK the OP invites her bridesmaid and her kids because "they need to be treated fairly", then everyone else gets mad and asks to bring their children cause they want to be treated "fairly" as well. Its a slippery slope she shouldn't even try to go down. I would just decline any and all kids period.

^^^This^^^ And, even though the OP provided an explanation, I'm against the idea of saying you don't want kids at your wedding only to have a ring bearer and flower girl. :scratchch You really need to take an "all or nothing" approach because, when you don't, you open the door to drama and hurt feelings.

 

[Bmack]

I was in the same situation 13 years ago. I did not allow kids to come, but my god daughter was a fg. I did not care about hurt feelings, I cared about my day and my pockets. People kill me with all the butt hurtness. I expect people to know that kids cannot come. WTF if bride/groom state that.

 

[Bmack]

Destination wedding or not, weddings are an expense for everyone involved. While I understand where you and the OP are coming from, the truth is she was wrong when it comes to etiquette. Of course, she can choose not to follow etiquette. However, etiquette dictates that she not split up families in the manner that she has. And the reason why etiquette dictates that is so brides such as herself could avoid the headache she has with these friends. The problem is most people do not know etiquette since it is not taught the way it once was back in the day. Again, herself and other brides planning weddings would do well to pick up an Emily Post or Miss Manner's etiquette book to guide through the planning as not to unintentionally ruffle any feathers.

However, OP's exclusion of the other siblings gave the friend no right to tell her off like the way she did. That was wrong and uncalled for.

Where is this etiquette rule of not splitting? I have never seen/heard... Not to say it doesn't exist.

 

[tmhuggiebear]

This is diverting from the OP but tmhuggiebear I'm curious about baby shower etiquette. My cousin just had a baby shower this past weekend. This is his third child and another boy. His oldest is 5 and the youngest is 2. I didn't attend nor send a gift because I think they're having too many baby showers. Traditionally, you only had one baby shower, right? Is it proper to have a baby shower for every child? Wouldn't a celebration party be more appropriate?

I will start by saying, I am not as knowledgable about baby shower etiquette as I am wedding etiquette. However, typically you only have one baby shower unless the children is of the opposite sex or the children are many many years apart. So in this case, one could argue that they went against etiquette by having another one when both the kids are the same sex.

On personal note this etiquette breach doesn't bother me at all, because I'm all for celebrating another life.

Where is this etiquette rule of not splitting? I have never seen/heard... Not to say it doesn't exist.

When I say splitting I mean it is wrong to invite members of a unit and not the other. For example, it would be wrong to invite the wife to a wedding and not the husband. The same applies for girlfriends and boyfriends.

Unless it is a child free wedding, the same can applied to additional members of an immediate family. For example, if the mom, dad, and 10 year old sister are invited than it would be wrong to split up the family by excluding the 8 year old brother from the wedding - because in this case the children are a unit. But there is nothing wrong with splitting up the family if it is truly an adult only wedding. That means it's ok to only invite mom and dad and not the children to that particular wedding.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

How old are the child and her siblings??

Kinkyhairlady

I responded but felt it was too much info.

 

[MomofThreeBoys]

I have three children 8,16,18. They each have their own set of godparents. The godchild godparent relationship is very special in our family and therefore my kids know not to expect the same treatment by their siblings' godparents. I make sure my kids each have special moments even though they are not exactly the same.

Furthermore, I've been the coordinator for at least six weddings and the no kid rule is always a PIA to deal with ahead of time. But worse is dealing with Kids AT weddings for reasons already mentioned upthread.

Usually it's family members that cause a big stink. Unless you are my best friend, your kids come after my family's kids. Family will understand a child being there who is in the wedding. But their siblings? Unnecessary drama with family members. OP already mentioned her family as an issue. So not worth it. Best friend would be my only exception. Easy answer is to cut all her kids out including your godchild. That way, all the kids are treated fairly like she requested.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Honestly, I do get where OP is coming from. It's your day. The issue, to me, is how the matter was handled.

 

[ladysaraii]

Also I forgot this was the godchild. That makes another difference about why I don't feel bad about inviting one and not the others.

I responded but felt it was too much info.

It's no more TMI than anything else.

 

[LiftedUp]

Someone sent me an article this morning and it reminded me of this thread, especially "increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation"

I love weddings. I love officiating them. It is a rare moment where I get to make a divine proclamation that forever changes the status of two people. Powerful.

But in an increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation. “Every girl lives for her wedding day.” It is all about the bride and groom. Everyone looks at them. Encourages them. Congratulates them.

Many couples have bought the lie of the wedding day…it is all about me. But marriage is at odds with this mindset. A successful wedding day is one where everyone serves you. A successful marriage is one where you serve your spouse. The wedding day is a day where the spotlight is on you. Marriage has no spotlight. The wedding day is about saying a bunch of words that most couples never take seriously. Marriage is about putting the words into action. The wedding day is joyous and celebratory. Many seasons of marriage are about persevering and not letting go through the storms.

Embrace your wedding day. Prepare for it. Celebrate it. But do not make the mistake of believing the lie. After your 20 minutes of fame, the spotlight is gone forever. It is no longer about you (and this is a good thing…you will see).

There is life after a wedding... a marriage after a wedding

 

[Evolving78]

I think you are wrong. You are losing a friend over not inviting one child. It's not like she has 10 kids, or wanted to invite 5 cousins. It's one child, her child, and the other was going to be a flower girl. Maybe she came at you wrong, but you hurt her feelings, and IMO it was unnecessary.

it was very bridal selfish thinking on OP's part.

 

[Evolving78]

It's not selfish. What is selfish is the "it's my wedding and I'll do what I want" attitude. Yes, it's your wedding and you can do what you want, but how much fun will it be when 1/2 your guests don't show up because they're pissed for one reason or another? _____________________ ^^^On a side note: This actually happened to my cousin, but his wife was, and still is, a straight up *****. And 25 yrs later, relationships that she broke, or never developed, on our side of the family because of the nonsense she pulled with her wedding, have never been repaired. Don't lose a friend of 20+ years because of one day. It's just not worth it. And, yes, it really is just one day. _____________________ If it's a case of you don't like kids, all your friends and family should know this by now and should not feel slighted if you chose not to have kids attend. If it's a financial issue, explain this to your guests with children who would like to bring them. It's a better explanation than "I just don't want kids to come". If it's a case of you love kids but want to keep this strictly adult, then it's best to have NO children in attendence - including the bridal party.

happened to my cousin and no one shows up on the bridal side. They spent thousand s. All of his close family has kids, so only his aunts came. The bride was hurt and frying, but hey it's their wedding right?

 

[Evolving78]

We used to be BFF as teens but grew apart due to disagreements. We are friends but not on the level of she knows my personal business and I know hers. It had not been like that for years but I would hate to be on the outs with her due to this. Will it hurt me in any way if she never speaks to me? No not really. She does not contribute much to my personal life. Her sister will go above and beyond for me and has proven to care over the years. Her on the other hand never calls or visits. I make the effort.

so you all you really wanted was the daughter in the wedding and you were inviting her because of that is what I'm getting. You don't really care if she is there or not and the fact you have her mom and sister there and sis is going to be a part of the wedding is just messy. You need to look at this and see it for what it is.

 

[IslandMummy]

This is diverting from the OP but @tmhuggiebear I'm curious about baby shower etiquette. My cousin just had a baby shower this past weekend. This is his third child and another boy. His oldest is 5 and the youngest is 2. I didn't attend nor send a gift because I think they're having too many baby showers. Traditionally, you only had one baby shower, right? Is it proper to have a baby shower for every child? Wouldn't a celebration party be more appropriate?

One baby shower unless there is a large gap (my cousins children were 16 years apart and the second was a different sex)

With my first I didn't get to have a baby shower and instead my family did a welcome home party after she was released from the NICU. Even though I didn't have a shower I felt that was enough declined the offer for a "real" baby shower where I was still pregnant. My family went like this and said *** yo feels and threw one anyway and a nice time was had by all. People will now do diaper showers, sprinkles, sip and sees etc where you only bring baby essentials (diapers, wipes, lotions) to gift the expectant mom instead of a full blown shower.

I'm glad we did not have a wedding. The wedding is not important to me, just the reception

 

[Prettymetty]

It is your day. Your money. Your rules. If that upsets her then that's too bad. As a mother of 4 if I get invited to a kid free event I get a babysitter.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

I don't understand people that think they are doing you a favor by inviting you to their wedding. What exactly do they think someone is benefiting? It can't be the food. Do they think some dried hotel food is a good trade for time you'll never get back or the gift you have to buy? I prefer to take that time and go to my favorite restaurant. If I am going to a wedding, I am doing the couple a favor.

This is kind of how I feel. I've been in 3 weddings so far in my life and they have all cost me a pretty chunk of change between traveling, bridesmaid dresses, presents, hotel arrangements. I didn't mind it that much because I Was happy to make my friends happy, but it's not my necessarily responsibility to ensure they have a happy day.

If my child is involved, then I would hope they would be more than a prop and the rest of our family taken into consideration. Personally, I wouldn't have a kid in a wedding party and then try and bring my other ones (unless they were older) because I don't want the hassle.

However, At what point is it ok to say "no" to the bride or disagree with her? It's their special day, yes, but if it's just all about you, why not go on a destination wedding or down to the court house, or just not have a wedding party, just get married? . Then it really will be all about you and you don't have to get other people involved.

I've decided that my friends delivery was extremely hurtful to me and I honestly would prefer to keep my distance. Even when I get my God baby gifts she say you must bring gifts for the others and I would but now I realize she must think money comes easy for me or something. I was trying to cut cost but she thought I was offensive with my no kids rule. For the folks that think I'm wrong for just having the kids walking come and not their siblings I respect your opinions but I don't have to agree. Btw I posted about this same friend earlier this year when she wanted to move into my apartment with her 3 kids and mom due to her apt being cock roached infested. Just to give you all an idea of why me and her are not super tight because of things like that. I feel a wedding should be a moment of Joy for everyone involved so if someone is upset I did not invite your kids then don't event step foot at my wedding. I don't need no bitter folks coming and cursing me please.

Now that's ridiculous. Your friend does sound borderline crazy with that. Also, I think her correct response would be just to calmly tell you that she didn't want her child to be in your wedding if these were the conditions.

Maybe this is all for the best, she doesn't sound like a person I'd want in my life.

If weddings are so expensive, why do you want to bring your extra kids? Dont you then have to find a dress for them or little tux for them and make sure they sit still yada yada? Isnt that harder than paying $25-$40 for a babysitter?

I think most people's kids would have some dress clothes they could wear. My son only wears a shirt, tie and nice pants to weddings and we have that on hand.

I personally would rather leave my kids at home but not everyone has babysitters available or want their kids babysat.

 

[sunnieb]

Something must be wrong with me, because I agree with OP.

Or maybe I'm old. I don't know. We only attend weddings of close family/friends and pretty much abide by what the couple wants.

No kids? No problem. We get a babysitter.

Wedding out of town? Cool. Since we have a YEAR to prepare, we book discount hotels and look for other fun stuff to do while we are there.

We do our best to support the couple and be a part of their happy day. But again, we only attend weddings of close friends and family. We ain't doing alladat for folk we barely know who just trying to get gifts.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using LHCF

 

[*CherryPie*]

Do you have children? I always wonder if people have children when they respond like this. Nieces and nephews is not the same.

I wouldn't be offended if 1/3 of my children attended. Weddings aren't cheap and are about the couple's comfort. I don't understand why she was belligerant. She could have expressed her feelings with kindness or explained why having the other 2 there was important. I hope you 2 can work it out. Twenty years is nothing to sneeze at.

 

[*CherryPie*]

@PretteePlease

Girl, shut up. Of course I'm not her friend. I don't know the OP.

ETA: ...and yes, I knew what you meant. I'm just not giving you the fight that you seem to want so bad.

I don't know her dating history but it hurts them. So what! So does one child being invited to a birthday party and not the other two. So does one child being smarter, or faster or more popular.

You sound as immature as her friend. Even in her disrespectful delivery she did no wrong. Wow. You ain't no friend

OP pick a team Kids or No kids