20 yr friendship over because no kids allowed

[Southernbella.]

I understand that you think it shouldn't be that serious but to some people it is. You may not feel this way but it can be seen as favoritism and like you are slighting the other children. People hold their families close to them. It would have been better if you didn't include any children. As crazy as it sounds, children in the family (when it comes to the wedding) are a unit. The same way it would be wrong to only invite the husband and not the wife to a wedding because they are a unit is the same way that it is wrong to invite one child and not the other.

Furthermore, usually when planning weddings brides and grooms try to provide an exception to those involved in the wedding party because the favor they are doing for the marrying couple. Think about it - being in a wedding party involves the added expense of dresses and hair, plus having to spend time on the rehearsal dinner. Though most are happy to do it and can manage it, they are still going above and beyond for your special day. That's why it would be nice if you extended the exception to the other siblings of the wedding party.

It's the same as when people don't extend plus 1's to people who are not in a relationship, but choose to extend one to a single bridesmaid for going out of her way for the bride.

I wish you luck with planning your wedding. Hopefully it gets easier after this.

Great post.

My dd was the flower girl in my best friend's wedding and ds was left home because he was less than a year old. But had he been older, it would have definitely upset him (and me) to be left out of auntie's day. Kids don't care about weddings but to see everyone else getting dressed up and leaving and you're the only one not going AND you're close to the bride? Very hurtful. And yes, people are buying dresses or whatever to do the couple a favor so there should be some gratitude.

I do think she was wrong for going off on you, however.

 

[PJaye]

BFF or not, if you dissed my sister and excluded her child in order to create your ideal wedding, things would never be the same between us afterward. I advise you to consider your actions carefully because the aftereffects will continue to ripple well beyond that one day.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Umm she needs to call me to apologize. I did nothing wrong. When she was raising her voice I said sorry you feel that way but I'm not inviting any kids. She was like well none of us are coming good luck with your wedding!

Okay it appears you have your mind made up. You're right, she's wrong. I assume this is just a vent thread instead of finding out if there is some....even if remote...responsibility on your part for hurt feelings.

I agree with the other poster. An all adult wedding seems easier for you. There's nothing wrong with that. But then say goodbye to flower girls. Or is it that you want children to serve your purpose and only that?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

this is not about the children or your friendship or the wedding.

im trying to imagine this phone call where your friend says she doesnt want half of her kids not invited to the wedding and how you couldnt come up with a compromise for that.

not one of the compromises in this thread struck you as reasonable?

you just said no kids allowed but i need a flower girl so oh well?

sounds like youre trying to flex on everybody because youre getting married (and no, people dont care about your "special day" to the point that they are willing to let you slight them) and she wasnt going for it.

THIS.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

We used to be BFF as teens but grew apart due to disagreements. We are friends but not on the level of she knows my personal business and I know hers. It had not been like that for years but I would hate to be on the outs with her due to this. Will it hurt me in any way if she never speaks to me? No not really. She does not contribute much to my personal life. Her sister will go above and beyond for me and has proven to care over the years. Her on the other hand never calls or visits. I make the effort.

Okay so then you're not really good friends after all and this is about more than the wedding. All responses will not matter because you are fighting other feelings which are clouding your judgment in this situation. I assumed that when you say 20 yr friendship and you created this thread, that you really cared, and valued the friendship and to this of course compromises are needed. In this case, there was no need to even invite her or her children in the first place. I guess there will be no love lost if you never speak again.

 

[Urban]

I ended a friendship a few months ago after being part of the bridal party. Some people change so much when they're getting married. Everyone is to walk on eggshells and everything revolves around them. No ma'am. Even after she's told you/ and everyone has told you how it can be insensitive to just invite the one child, you're still all "woe is me, I love my goddaughter and wanted her there, but now that's been taken away from ME."

I'm pretty sure your friend has experienced this kind of behaviour from you all along and just hasn't said anything. People don't usually just blow up for nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she's just let it build up and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I really doubt it would change much if the rest of her children were there.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

If I decide to have a wedding sans children then I'd have no children IN the wedding either. In the same situation my mom would've not let me go either if nothing else than to keep peace in the house.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I ended a friendship a few months ago after being part of the bridal party. Some people change so much when they're getting married. Everyone is to walk on eggshells and everything revolves around them. No ma'am. Even after she's told you/ and everyone has told you how it can be insensitive to just invite the one child, you're still all "woe is me, I love my goddaughter and wanted her there, but now that's been taken away from ME." I'm pretty sure your friend has experienced this kind of behaviour from you all along and just hasn't said anything. People don't usually just blow up for nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she's just let it build up and this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I really doubt it would change much if the rest of her children were there.

You've totally interpret my relationship with this person wrong and my attitude towards it. I'm not thinking Woe is me at all. I asked for her to walk and if she did not like the idea of no kids there's a way you can talk to someone. I barely talk to her nor see her for the past year so there was no build up. Her name and my God daughters names have already been crossed off the list. I'm not being selfish but if one gets upset with me just because I want my wedding a certain way then oh well. Chances are she will feel salty when her mom and sis are getting ready for the wedding and she has no part in it.

 

[Ogoma]

I don't understand people that think they are doing you a favor by inviting you to their wedding. What exactly do they think someone is benefiting? It can't be the food. Do they think some dried hotel food is a good trade for time you'll never get back or the gift you have to buy? I prefer to take that time and go to my favorite restaurant. If I am going to a wedding, I am doing the couple a favor.

 

[Mortons]

If the OP is planning for the wedding, it's kinda the OPs rules. If those rules are no kids aside from those in the ceremony and you dont like it decline the invite. I'd just tell my friend why I felt I couldnt come and then not attend if I had to have my kids thre. None of the extras is appropriate. I dont see why the friend would be entitled to invite her children just because.

 

[Urban]

Oh ok. So everyone is wrong. Your friend of 20 years and all the ladies in this thread. They're all wrong and you're right .

There may have been no regular contact, but trust, she knows your character. People don't just blow up like that, especially someone who's been friends with you for 20 years.

You've totally interpret my relationship with this person wrong and my attitude towards it. I'm not thinking Woe is me at all. I asked for her to walk and if she did not like the idea of no kids there's a way you can talk to someone. I barely talk to her nor see her for the past year so there was no build up. Her name and my God daughters names have already been crossed off the list. I'm not being selfish but if one gets upset with me just because I want my wedding a certain way then oh well. Chances are she will feel salty when her mom and sis are getting ready for the wedding and she has no part in it.

I don't understand people that think they are doing you a favor by inviting you to their wedding. What exactly do they think someone is benefiting? It can't be the food. Do they think some dried hotel food is a good trade for time you'll never get back or the gift you have to buy? I prefer to take that time and go to my favorite restaurant. If I am going to a wedding, I am doing the couple a favor.

^^This is what it's all about. The end.

The friend I no longer speak to was very much like this. She saw participating in her wedding as some kind of privilege. The whole time, I was thinking I'm taking all this time out to run around with you and you're occupying my weekends. You aren't doing me any favours, it's the other way round! There are so many other things I could be doing .

Anyway, I sincerely hope your wedding goes smoothly OP. But just a word of caution. A wedding day is literally just that. One day, and then it's gone. Life and relationships around you still carry on after that day. And so, when you make these adjustments to have your 'day' exactly the way you want it ... just consider whether it really makes a difference and if it's worth damaging relationships that you may want to continue after your day. Is it really worth it?

 

[shespoison]

Eh. OP, I understand how you feel. I would prob do the same thing....but I'm kind of a jack@ss.

 

[R4L]

Since when do all kids get treated the same? I'm with OP. Life is not the same for everyone. If I go to band practice my sibling doesn't go. A married couple is a unit. Kids are individual.

 

[loved]

I've decided to cut out the flower girl part so my God son is not walking now either. Though my cousin hba was ok with leaving one home I just don't want to deal with all of this. The ring bearer will be the only kid. As for my friend I'm not talking to her unless she apologizes for speaking to me in such an angry tone. I think she's pissed for something else cause she's way to upset over this. For just two kids wow.

OP, you may want to reflect on how you're thinking and communicating about the children. They're not just 2 kids to their mother. If this was your attitude when you spoke with her, I can see why things may have escalated.

Even though splitting the kids may have come across as hurtful, I think mom could have declined without the belligerence, as someone else has said. The no kids rule doesn't seem as big as the splitting kids in the same household.

 

[msdeevee]

I think there are 2 kids not coming and 1 that is in it. An invitation was extended to Nanny and the sister but that doesn't mean they have to come. One of them could watch the children. Perhaps they could go have a fun time with Dad, paint pumpkins, go to the science museum...

I do not care for children at weddings. They DO tend to have a ball at the reception -- too much of a ball. They're running all over the place, all over the dance floor, rubbing their fingers on the cake or otherwise trying to be the center of attention. Their parents aren't watching them or if they are, they aren't enjoying the wedding. It's a free-for-all. After seeing kids at my sister's wedding, I opted not to have any at mine. It was VERY expensive per head and just like you would take your kids to Red Lobster but not that exclusive reservations only romantic french joint with you and your boo for Valentine's Day... everything isn't appropriate for children. A wedding is the bride's ULTIMATE VDAY. They do not understand the seriousness of what is taking place or the planning, effort, and expense involved in the occasion. They're just out showing their little arses. Plus, I don't like children anywhere there is free-flowing liquor. It's not appropriate.

I'm sorry but I agree with this. I do not like children at weddings for all the same reasons and more. I've seen people have toddlers or children in their weddings & the kid will get belligerent when walking down the aisle & start crying or run back to Mommy. When I got married my Nephew was one year old. In our wedding video all you can hear is him crying all through the ceremony.

They waste food. They run around the venue their let on the loose while the parents are having a ball. I just went to a wedding one little boy screamed all through the introduction of the bridal party " I want a hot dog!" He finished up the evening laying in the middle of the dance floor almost tripping people .

I hope you and your friend can come to Some agreement. Unless y'all have not been real friends 20 years is too much time invested to never speak again because of something that is going to be so trivial in the long run.

 

[GoldenRule]

I'm sorry but I agree with this. I do not like children at weddings for all the same reasons and more. I've seen people have toddlers or children in their weddings & the kid will get belligerent when walking down the aisle & start crying or run back to Mommy. When I got married my Nephew was one year old. In our wedding video all you can hear is him crying all through the ceremony.

They waste food. They run around the venue their let on the loose while the parents are having a ball. I just went to a wedding one little boy screamed all through the introduction of the bridal party " I want a hot dog!" He finished up the evening laying in the middle of the dance floor almost tripping people .

I hope you and your friend can come to Some agreement. Unless y'all have not been real friends 20 years is too much time invested to never speak again because of something that is going to be so trivial in the long run.

Awww...Did someone find the baby a hot dog? LOL!!

I do not mean to come off as if I cannot stand kids. I have 4 of them. I LOVE little people. I just don't care for them at weddings. I wonder why they don't act up at funerals. I've never been to a funeral and seen a kid totally ruin it but they surely can kill a wedding. Must have something to do with the 'festive atmosphere'.

 

[Fine 4s]

I don't understand people that think they are doing you a favor by inviting you to their wedding. What exactly do they think someone is benefiting? It can't be the food. Do they think some dried hotel food is a good trade for time you'll never get back or the gift you have to buy? I prefer to take that time and go to my favorite restaurant. If I am going to a wedding, I am doing the couple a favor.

Don't get me started...

 

[Fine 4s]

Oh ok. So everyone is wrong. Your friend of 20 years and all the ladies in this thread. They're all wrong and you're right . There may have been no regular contact, but trust, she knows your character. People don't just blow up like that, especially someone who's been friends with you for 20 years. ^^This is what it's all about. The end. The friend I no longer speak to was very much like this. She saw participating in her wedding as some kind of privilege. The whole time, I was thinking I'm taking all this time out to run around with you and you're occupying my weekends. You aren't doing me any favours, it's the other way round! There are so many other things I could be doing . Anyway, I sincerely hope your wedding goes smoothly OP. But just a word of caution. A wedding day is literally just that. One day, and then it's gone. Life and relationships around you still carry on after that day. And so, when you make these adjustments to have your 'day' exactly the way you want it ... just consider whether it really makes a difference and if it's worth damaging relationships that you may want to continue after your day. Is it really worth it?

I don't think the number of folks disagreeing matters. It is possible and happens quite a bit IMO.

 

[sj10460]

First off, Congratulations OP on your upcoming nuptials!

I don't understand why people have to be rude and sarcastic when giving their opinion. The wedding is about the bride and the groom, that is the primary focus and their dedication to each other. The joining of families is secondary.

OP told the friend and everyone else the wedding is a no children wedding sans the wedding party. It's not like the OP sprung this on the friend last minute. The friend took some time to decide she's not comfortable with that and it's okay. It's also okay for OP to not want the other children to attend the wedding regardless if their sister is apart of it. There is a time and place for kids and OP has decided she doesn't want them at her wedding, her wedding her decision.

The friend didn't have to be rude and belligerent to make her point. She could have decline respectfully while stating her opinion on the situation, she chose not to and OP's feelings were rightfully hurt. I don't know about others but I don't take too kindly to someone yelling and screaming at me

How are people comparing parities and christmas gifts to a wedding? Also, why are people counting OP's money? It doesn't matter if children are an extra $5 or $500, OP doesn't want to run up the budget unnecessarily. Also, it's pretty presumptuous to think the friend has to buy the flower girls dress. A lot of brides pay for their bridesmaids dress. OP didn't state if she was contributing to the dress or not, so no responses should mention that. I wish people would stop creating obstacles in their responses.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. I also don't think your friend is wrong but her delivery was wrong. I think you should keep the flower girl/ring barrier there's still time to either find someone else or mend the relationship with the friend

 

[MomofThreeBoys]

First off, Congratulations OP on your upcoming nuptials! I don't understand why people have to be rude and sarcastic when giving their opinion. The wedding is about the bride and the groom, that is the primary focus and their dedication to each other. The joining of families is secondary. OP told the friend and everyone else the wedding is a no children wedding sans the wedding party. It's not like the OP sprung this on the friend last minute. The friend took some time to decide she's not comfortable with that and it's okay. It's also okay for OP to not want the other children to attend the wedding regardless if their sister is apart of it. There is a time and place for kids and OP has decided she doesn't want them at her wedding, her wedding her decision. The friend didn't have to be rude and belligerent to make her point. She could have decline respectfully while stating her opinion on the situation, she chose not to and OP's feelings were rightfullying hurt. I don't know about others but I don't take too kindly to someone yelling and screaming at me How are people comparing parities and christmas gifts to a wedding? Also, why are people counting OP's money? It doesn't matter if children are an extra $5 or $500, OP doesn't want to run up the budget unnecessarily. Also, it's pretty presumious that the friend has to buy the flowergirls dress. A lot of brides pay for their bridesmaids dress. OP didn't state if she was contributing to the dress or not, so no responding should mention that. I wish people would stop creating obstacles in their responses. OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. I also don't think your friend is wrong but her delivery was wrong. I think you should keep the flower girl/ring barrier there's still time to either find someone else or mend the relationship with the friend

I agree with this

 

[tmhuggiebear]

First off, Congratulations OP on your upcoming nuptials!

I don't understand why people have to be rude and sarcastic when giving their opinion. The wedding is about the bride and the groom, that is the primary focus and their dedication to each other. The joining of families is secondary.

OP told the friend and everyone else the wedding is a no children wedding sans the wedding party. It's not like the OP sprung this on the friend last minute. The friend took some time to decide she's not comfortable with that and it's okay. It's also okay for OP to not want the other children to attend the wedding regardless if their sister is apart of it. There is a time and place for kids and OP has decided she doesn't want them at her wedding, her wedding her decision.

The friend didn't have to be rude and belligerent to make her point. She could have decline respectfully while stating her opinion on the situation, she chose not to and OP's feelings were rightfully hurt. I don't know about others but I don't take too kindly to someone yelling and screaming at me

How are people comparing parities and christmas gifts to a wedding? Also, why are people counting OP's money? It doesn't matter if children are an extra $5 or $500, OP doesn't want to run up the budget unnecessarily. Also, it's pretty presumptuous to think the friend has to buy the flower girls dress. A lot of brides pay for their bridesmaids dress. OP didn't state if she was contributing to the dress or not, so no responses should mention that. I wish people would stop creating obstacles in their responses.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. I also don't think your friend is wrong but her delivery was wrong. I think you should keep the flower girl/ring barrier there's still time to either find someone else or mend the relationship with the friend

In response to the bolded, you are right. It is presumptuous to assume that the bride isn't buying he flower girl dress. However, that does not change the fact that when people are in a wedding party, it is a favor to the bride and groom. This is why it is usually suggested by etiquette experts that you extend exceptions to rules to those in the wedding party. In this case the exception would be extended to the family of the flower girl.

In regards to the second bolded, I know you didn't mean any harm by suggesting she find a new flower girl/ ring bearer. However, that could open up a whole new can of worms. You never want to just find a new person to be part of the wedding party if one drops out for whatever reason. Doing so could make the newly appointed person and his/her family feel as though their child was just an afterthought, which could be hurtful. And you can make the child and original family feel hurt because it would appear that their child is just easily replaceable. Of course, this can cause even more headaches for the OP. OP is better off just letting go of the flower girl/ring bearer if they have indeed dropped out. When you think about it, flower girls, ring bearers or any member of the wedding party are really not necessary for any wedding. They are just nice to have.


Lastly, I agree that the friend responded in a very unruly matter and was certainly wrong for that.

However, OP I do think it might do you well to pick up a Miss Manner's or Emily Post wedding etiquette book. I know the rules of weddings and etiquettes are really annoying but they are really there to make you a better host, avoid potentially hurt feelings over what you may presume to be innocent and limit the headaches/stress for you and your guests while planning.

Again I wish you good luck with the wedding. As someone who got married last year and writes constantly for national wedding magazines, I understand how frustrating the whole process can be. But I assure you that once your big day gets here, none of these headaches, drama and minuscule details will even matter. All that will matter is pledging the love to your best friend friend. As long as you leave the locale as a married couple, your wedding would have been perfect! Just try to remember that throughout this whole thing.

 

[sj10460]

In response to the bolded, you are right. It is presumptuous to assume that the bride isn't buying he flower girl dress. However, that does not change the fact that when people are in a wedding party, it is a favor to the bride and groom. This is why it is usually suggested by etiquette experts that you extend exceptions to rules to those in the wedding party. In this case the exception would be extended to the family of the flower girl.

In regards to the second bolded, I know you didn't mean any harm by suggesting she find a new flower girl/ ring bearer. However, that could open up a whole new can of worms. You never want to just find a new person to be part of the wedding party if one drops out for whatever reason. Doing so could make the newly appointed person and his/her family feel as though their child was just an afterthought, which could be hurtful. And you can make the child and original family feel hurt because it would appear that their child is just easily replaceable. Of course, this can cause even more headaches for the OP. OP is better off just letting go of the flower girl/ring bearer if they have indeed dropped out. When you think about it, flower girls, ring bearers or any member of the wedding party are really not necessary for any wedding. They are just nice to have.


Lastly, I agree that the friend responded in a very unruly matter and was certainly wrong for that.

However, OP I do think it might do you well to pick up a Miss Manner's or Emily Post wedding etiquette book. I know the rules of weddings and etiquettes are really annoying but they are really there to make you a better host, avoid potentially hurt feelings over what you may presume to be innocent and limit the headaches/stress for you and your guests while planning.

Again I wish you good luck with the wedding. As someone who got married last year and writes constantly for national wedding magazines, I understand how frustrating the whole process can be. But I assure you that once your big day gets here, none of these headaches, drama and minuscule details will even matter. All that will matter is pledging the love to your best friend friend. As long as you love the locale married, your wedding would have been perfect! Just try to remember that throughout this whole thing.

With the regards to the ring bearer (not ring barrier, thanks) , OP said she had one but decided to cut him out too. I think she should keep the boy and add a different little girl if her God daughter can't come. OP has a desired look for her wedding that included a flower girl/ring bearer so I don't think she should stray away because the God daughter can't attend. "One monkey don't stop no show" Of course I'm not calling the child a monkey.

It's their wedding, they should do what feels right to them.

 

[frida1980]

Mental note: Elope. Go to Hawaii. Go to the Bahamas. Go to Vegas. Just elope.

 

[bebezazueta]

Mental note: Elope. Go to Hawaii. Go to the Bahamas. Go to Vegas. Just elope.

I agree!

I regret not doing that myself

 

[SmileyNY]

Mental note: Elope. Go to Hawaii. Go to the Bahamas. Go to Vegas. Just elope.

Yes lawd. I say this to myself every time I hear firsthand about anyone planning a wedding. It all seems so stressful.

 

[Lucie]

I wouldn't be offended if 1/3 of my children attended. Weddings aren't cheap and are about the couple's comfort. I don't understand why she was belligerant. She could have expressed her feelings with kindness or explained why having the other 2 there was important. I hope you 2 can work it out. Twenty years is nothing to sneeze at.

 

[Mai Tai]

See this is why I had a destination wedding at an adult only resort. No flower girl, no ring bearer, no kids period. Just 20 wonderful guest all there to shower my husband and I with nothing but love and well wishes.

My bridesmaids and I sipped champagne while I got my hair done and cracked jokes as we got ready. Those women watched over me like hawks, making sure I was emotionally and physically secure. My mother patiently buttoned all 45 of the bottons on my gown and my MIL prayed over the entire day. I only got stressed out twice...when I thought my dress alterations would not be done in time, and when I couldn't get my lashes on while I did my makeup because my hands were shaking so bad, and I cried only tears of joy as my Dad walked me down the isle in full Nigerian formal wear to meet my groom.

Ahhhhh the memories...What was the question again? Oh yeah...both you OP and your faux-BFF are dead a$$ wrong.

 

[tmhuggiebear]

See this is why I had a destination wedding at an adult only resort. No flower girl, no ring bearer, no kids period. Just 20 wonderful guest all there to shower my husband and I with nothing but love and well wishes.

My bridesmaids and I sipped champagne while I got my hair done and cracked jokes as we got ready. Those women watched over me like hawks, making sure I was emotionally and physically secure. My mother patiently buttoned all 45 of the bottons on my gown and my MIL prayed over the entire day. I only got stressed out twice...when I thought my dress alterations would not be done in time, and when I couldn't get my lashes on while I did my makeup because my hands were shaking so bad, and I cried only tears of joy as my Dad walked me down the isle in full Nigerian formal wear to meet my groom.

Ahhhhh the memories...What was the question again? Oh yeah...both you OP and your faux-BFF are dead a$$ wrong.

Mai Tai

I did the exact same thing. A destination wedding in the Bahamas at an adult only resort. WE had 25 guests and it was amazing! I think small intimate weddings are the way to go. Much less hassle that way!!

 

[ThickHair]

Mai Tai

I did the exact same thing. A destination wedding in the Bahamas at an adult only resort. WE had 25 guests and it was amazing! I think small intimate weddings are the way to go. Much less hassle that way!!

I did the same thing when I got married.

 

[PJaye]

Since when do all kids get treated the same? I'm with OP. Life is not the same for everyone. If I go to band practice my sibling doesn't go. A married couple is a unit. Kids are individual.

Children are a part of the family unit; they are not arbitrary individuals floating around in space. It is a parent's job to ensure that all of their minor children are treated in the same fashion, particularly by outsiders. It's unfair and more than a little bit janky to bestow special privileges upon one child while leaving the others to fiddle their thumbs - unless it's something they've earned through hard work, like a school/sports award. Life may not be the same for everyone, but there's plenty of time for children to learn the sick anomalies of life in the years to come. Adults need to stop jerking kids around, and it's the parents' job to make sure that it doesn't happen on their watch with their children. Thankfully, my family has a policy of "treat 'em all the same, or leave 'em all alone" with regard to children. I wish a mo would...