Another Rude Wedding Request

[Makenzie]

Bunny77, don't forget everything negotiable. I had my wedding on a Saturday evening. The catering associate I was working with for my reception showed me the lunch portion and the dinner portion of the chicken dinner. Minus a few tiny things, there was not a big difference in portion size. Only in price. He let me use the lunch portion for dinner, which saved us a nice chunk of change.

You'd be surprised at the areas you can cut costs. This will definitely help monetarily and give you more flexibility with your plans/mom.

 

[VioletWylde]

I honestly have never heard of a non plus one wedding until I heard it on this forum. I'm in the bridal party at my bff's and the first thing she did was multiply the guest list by 2 to make sure she could accurately estimate the cost. If she couldn't afford it, she was gonna cut down on invitations If I was not allowed to bring an SO to her wedding, I'd go along with it for her, but I would feel some kind of way. I've just never heard of that.

Whatever people want for their big day is their decision, but per the OP, I don't blame the lady for wanting her SO to come.

I would love to give everyone a +1 and I'm sure if many brides had the budget they would let every one of their single guests have one too. @ The bolded: Where do you stop with cutting? I have no problem with cutting out extras/reducing a guest list, but I've seen some people who end up cutting more family so that friends can have a +1--which is a slippery slope and someone always gets their feelings hurt.

This isn't directed at you Morton's--I just want to explore this train of thought. What do you do when you have enough money for either a decent wedding with close relatives/friends, few +1s and no extras -OR- for a courthouse wedding with a bbq where everyone and their mama gets a +1 and half the guest list is someone's "associate," but you skip out on anything slightly close to your vision of your wedding?

I know the first instinct is to tell someone not to have a wedding at all if they "can't afford it", but I'm not going to demand that everyone abandon their wedding vision just so I can have a date. I understand that it isn't extremely comfortable for some to attend an event without a companion, but that's why RSVP cards have that space to "Regretfully Decline."

 

[Transformer]

^^^ I think you're carefully about the people you invite. Invite YOUNG singles that are close friends and would understand that they can't bring a date. As for momma's best friend "Aunt Jane,"- I think you have to suck it up or convince her you will match her with another attendee (like an elderly widow.)

 

[Bmack]

I would love to give everyone a +1 and I'm sure if many brides had the budget they would let every one of their single guests have one too. @ The bolded: Where do you stop with cutting? I have no problem with cutting out extras/reducing a guest list, but I've seen some people who end up cutting more family so that friends can have a +1--which is a slippery slope and someone always gets their feelings hurt.

This isn't directed at you Morton's--I just want to explore this train of thought. What do you do when you have enough money for either a decent wedding with close relatives/friends, few +1s and no extras -OR- for a courthouse wedding with a bbq where everyone and their mama gets a +1 and half the guest list is someone's "associate," but you skip out on anything slightly close to your vision of your wedding?

I know the first instinct is to tell someone not to have a wedding at all if they "can't afford it", but I'm not going to demand that everyone abandon their wedding vision just so I can have a date. I understand that it isn't extremely comfortable for some to attend an event without a companion, but that's why RSVP cards have that space to "Regretfully Decline."

I can’t understand this “can’t afford it” ideal when it comes to plus ones. I just do not think it’s that serious. If you are upset about not being able to bring someone then do not show up…the show must go on!

 

[Transformer]

This thread made me have a conversation with DS about his nuptials. Well, it was ON. He gave me a scenario of his wedding/reception which I called TACKY. He stated--"well are you going to pay for it?" I said " NO, that's the bride's family job--we're paying for the rehearsal dinner/party." He then said--"well reserve your comments about it being tacky." I said "will do and I will have no friends or co-workers that will require an invitation."

This is the deal---DH and I have agreed to give a significant dollar amount for the wedding GIFT--DS knows this. The bride's family can't afford (he says) to pay for the type of reception that I would do. DS does not want to spend that kind of money but is more than willing for his parents - us-- to foot the bill.

I have agreed to a budget of 5k for the rehearsal dinner. DH states that if I contribute ONE DIME to the wedding, I better have a divorce lawyer standing by. He's serious. A co-worker thinks DS is just trying to get me to pay for the whole shebang.

So what do I do??? Get ready to eat cheese/whiz on crackers while sipping punch from paper cups?

 

[ThickHair]

I have agreed to a budget of 5k for the rehearsal dinner. DH states that if I contribute ONE DIME to the wedding, I better have a divorce lawyer standing by. He's serious. A co-worker thinks DS is just trying to get me to pay for the whole shebang.

I agree, I think DS is trying to get you to pay for the whole shebang. It sounds like future DIL family has big ideas but their funds are a little skimpy. Her family should scale it back a little, but I guess the princess daughter always gets what she wants at all costs, no matter what. Sit back and chill with your cheese wiz and red kool aide. I think DS is going to be mad at you no matter what you do because her parents can't afford the wedding that SHE wants and DS just wants to make his bride happy. We know it is all about the bride any way. [Kanye Shrug]

Are you footing the 5k for the rehersal dinner and a big wedding gift? That sounds ok by me. Good luck.

 

[Transformer]

Are you footing the 5k for the rehersal dinner and a big wedding gift? That sounds ok by me. Good luck.

Yep, I wrote the wedding gift in a "contract" when kids were little--so I'm legally bound. I'm just going with tradition paying for the rehearsal dinner.

So who's really invited to a rehearsal dinner? The wedding party bride/groom and total of 8 male/female attendees, her/his immediate family???
How about grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins??? I guess I should have asked my wedding planner sister.

I think out of town guest should be invited to the dinner--but guess what---my family won't be attending the wedding. He's going to have a total of 7 people on the groom's side---DH,DD, me and son's BFFs parents(all local).

 

[bluewater01]

Nothing against your mother but I never understand when parents or other family members of the couple invite their own people (co-workers, friends, etc) to their child's wedding. I would be annoyed by this especially if I didn't have a relationship with them.

If its that serious for your mother's friend for her boyfriend to come, then you and your mother are going to have to have a talk about it. To me its not that serious. If I was your mother's friend and she told me no I would just accept it ESPECIALLY since they don't know him. I wouldn't approve of just anyone at my wedding because you never know what strangers could do to ruin your day.

Well, she is paying for the reception part of the wedding (venue, food) and my dress/alterations. I'm paying for cake, flowers, chiavari chairs, my hair and makeup, ceremony musician, photography, my accessories, invitations, etc.

Since she is paying for people's meal and the cocktail hour, I feel that she can invite who she wants...

 

[hopeful]

Yep, I wrote the wedding gift in a "contract" when kids were little--so I'm legally bound. I'm just going with tradition paying for the rehearsal dinner.

So who's really invited to a rehearsal dinner? The wedding party bride/groom and total of 8 male/female attendees, her/his immediate family???
How about grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins??? I guess I should have asked my wedding planner sister.

I think out of town guest should be invited to the dinner--but guess what---my family won't be attending the wedding. He's going to have a total of 7 people on the groom's side---DH,DD, me and son's BFFs parents(all local).

The rehearsal dinner is for those who rehearse to participate in the wedding. So it's just the wedding party. No cousins, uncles, etc. It should be an intimate event IMO.

 

[Transformer]

The rehearsal dinner is for those who rehearse to participate in the wedding. So it's just the wedding party. No cousins, uncles, etc. It should be an intimate event IMO.

Thank you. I've been told that the new fangle fashion is to hold a dinner/reception for out of town guests so that nobody goes through the trouble of trying to feed and entertain them--consequently some are invited to the rehearsal "reception" but not to the actual rehearsal.

I need a venue that will serve strong drinks and have a television for DH to keep up with sports scores. This wedding is not going to be the highlight of his year.

 

[VioletWylde]

^^^ I think you're carefully about the people you invite. Invite YOUNG singles that are close friends and would understand that they can't bring a date. As for momma's best friend "Aunt Jane,"- I think you have to suck it up or convince her you will match her with another attendee (like an elderly widow.)

I think some situations do require additional consideration. I would probably do some thinking about whether we could get Aunt Jane a guest too, but sometimes it just can't be accommodated. Once you get to the point it can't be managed there isn't much more to do and the "I'll pay for it" response just makes me want to tell people to stay home anyway sometimes.

Thank you. I've been told that the new fangle fashion is to hold a dinner/reception for out of town guests so that nobody goes through the trouble of trying to feed and entertain them--consequently some are invited to the rehearsal "reception" but not to the actual rehearsal.

I need a venue that will serve strong drinks and have a television for DH to keep up with sports scores. This wedding is not going to be the highlight of his year.

I've heard this too. I always thought that the rehearsal dinner was kind of the "thank you"/let's relax/bring the two families & attendants together kind of meal. Is including out of town guests a fairly recent thing? You're already putting up $5,000 for the rehearsal dinner and that is a substantial gift.

I can’t understand this “can’t afford it” ideal when it comes to plus ones. I just do not think it’s that serious. If you are upset about not being able to bring someone then do not show up…the show must go on!

I agree. I do believe that people should just be able to invite who they want without having to "justify". It's their wedding. If I don't feel like going by myself, I can stay home. They will still get married.

 

[Transformer]

I've heard this too. I always thought that the rehearsal dinner was kind of the "thank you"/let's relax/bring the two families & attendants together kind of meal. Is including out of town guests a fairly recent thing? You're already putting up $5,000 for the rehearsal dinner and that is a substantial gift.

I think it something that American cultural is inheriting from other cultures such as Asian weddings where the "feast" last for days--the guest must be accommodated on all days.

"If" I had out of town family guests coming they would be expecting me to "feed them"....so they might as well come to the rehearsal dinner.

 

[QueenTiffany]

This thread made me have a conversation with DS about his nuptials. Well, it was ON. He gave me a scenario of his wedding/reception which I called TACKY. He stated--"well are you going to pay for it?" I said " NO, that's the bride's family job--we're paying for the rehearsal dinner/party." He then said--"well reserve your comments about it being tacky." I said "will do and I will have no friends or co-workers that will require an invitation."

This is the deal---DH and I have agreed to give a significant dollar amount for the wedding GIFT--DS knows this. The bride's family can't afford (he says) to pay for the type of reception that I would do. DS does not want to spend that kind of money but is more than willing for his parents - us-- to foot the bill.

I have agreed to a budget of 5k for the rehearsal dinner. DH states that if I contribute ONE DIME to the wedding, I better have a divorce lawyer standing by. He's serious. A co-worker thinks DS is just trying to get me to pay for the whole shebang.

So what do I do??? Get ready to eat cheese/whiz on crackers while sipping punch from paper cups?

From the outside looking in, this seems hurtful erplexed I'm not sure of the dynamics between all of you but with your husband threatening not to attend if her father performs the ceremony and you knocking the ideas that your son ran by you and basically saying the event will be such an embarrassment that you don't want your friends or co-workers in attendance - this just seems sad instead of joyous...

And while there may be some bad blood or discord making you feel some kind of way, why have any involvement at all if it's not going to offer the utmost support? If they can't afford more than paper cups, I would expect mom to say "son, that's alright - the marriage is what matters the most anyway."

 

[hopeful]

This is OT but ^^^QueenTiffany, your hair in your avatar is gorgeous! Makes me want to take out these kinky twists and get my hair flat-ironed.

 

[Mortons]

I would love to give everyone a +1 and I'm sure if many brides had the budget they would let every one of their single guests have one too. @ The bolded: Where do you stop with cutting? I have no problem with cutting out extras/reducing a guest list, but I've seen some people who end up cutting more family so that friends can have a +1--which is a slippery slope and someone always gets their feelings hurt.

This isn't directed at you Morton's--I just want to explore this train of thought. What do you do when you have enough money for either a decent wedding with close relatives/friends, few +1s and no extras -OR- for a courthouse wedding with a bbq where everyone and their mama gets a +1 and half the guest list is someone's "associate," but you skip out on anything slightly close to your vision of your wedding?

I know the first instinct is to tell someone not to have a wedding at all if they "can't afford it", but I'm not going to demand that everyone abandon their wedding vision just so I can have a date. I understand that it isn't extremely comfortable for some to attend an event without a companion, but that's why RSVP cards have that space to "Regretfully Decline."

Whatever a bride wants to do is her perogative, so please don't think I'm telling anyone what they should do.

As far as my friend, she A) started saving 3 years in advance B) booked venues early to save the most money and take advantage of specials C) Entered bridal contests. Her honeymoon is free so that couple of thousand is gonna be spent on the wedding D) only invited friends and close friends. Since most of her family is married, their spouses are automatically included, and with only around 30 close friends in between them, the extra chairs and food was no big deal. I don't see how it is a hard thing, so please forgive me. I have never planned a wedding though, so you may consider this ignorance.

 

[Transformer]

From the outside looking in, this seems hurtful erplexed I'm not sure of the dynamics between all of you but with your husband threatening not to attend if her father performs the ceremony and you knocking the ideas that your son ran by you and basically saying the event will be such an embarrassment that you don't want your friends or co-workers in attendance - this just seems sad instead of joyous...

And while there may be some bad blood or discord making you feel some kind of way, why have any involvement at all if it's not going to offer the utmost support? If they can't afford more than paper cups, I would expect mom to say "son, that's alright - the marriage is what matters the most anyway."

QueenTiffany,

My son has the money, he just wants to save his. He's dangling paper cups and koolaid to make me get up off the money. I told him " I still have access to the brokerage account I started when you were 3 months old." He says, " but I need that money for financial security"---I guess we don't need ours. Both my kids are frugal *** hell except when mom and dad are paying. Plus, he still averaging a substantial monthly bonus in addition to his salary---he ain't broke. He just wants it all without sacrificing anything.

And as far as DH not going if her father officiates---DS says he's not attending if her father officiates---you would have to know her father.
If will be interesting when the wedding occurs which religion he will be. At the moment he's a rabbi. I think last year he was Muslim.

DH keeps telling son the location of the courthouse, but his girl wants a wedding. He wants us to pay for it. We told him IF he's going to do it...then do it right....not big, but right or the probate that married us ....son is performing ceremonies for $25.00. My view is that if he and his girl aren't willing, and her parents can't...they should take the courthouse option. We've also suggested a destination wedding so I can get my vacation on--but this might limit her family (I don't know her family's financial situation,in fact I've never met her parents). DH and DD says they are a very "entertaining" bunch.

I actually have no friends or co-workers that I would invite. My southern family does not travel north of Atlanta between the months of November and April. He's marrying in Jan--no family---but he knew this when he agreed to a January date.

 

[ThickHair]

QueenTiffany,

My son has the money, he just wants to save his. He's dangling paper cups and koolaid to make me get up off the money. I told him " I still have access to the brokerage account I started when you were 3 months old." He says, " but I need that money for financial security"---I guess we don't need ours. Both my kids are frugal *** hell except when mom and dad are paying. Plus, he still averaging a substantial monthly bonus in addition to his salary---he ain't broke. He just wants it all without sacrificing anything.

And as far as DH not going if her father officiates---DS says he's not attending if her father officiates---you would have to know her father.
If will be interesting when the wedding occurs which religion he will be. At the moment he's a rabbi. I think last year he was Muslim.

DH keeps telling son the location of the courthouse, but his girl wants a wedding. He wants us to pay for it. We told him IF he's going to do it...then do it right....not big, but right or the probate that married us ....son is performing ceremonies for $25.00. My view is that if he and his girl aren't willing, and her parents can't...they should take the courthouse option. We've also suggested a destination wedding so I can get my vacation on--but this might limit her family (I don't know her family's financial situation,in fact I've never met her parents). DH and DD says they are a very "entertaining" bunch.

I actually have no friends or co-workers that I would invite. My southern family does not travel north of Atlanta between the months of November and April. He's marrying in Jan--no family---but he knew this when he agreed to a January date.

I am with you girl.

Just curious as to why you and your DH haven't met her parents? Is it like that? I really understand now why you are laying low. I say after this wedding your and DH go on vacation anyway. Sip on a fruity drink for me.

I also understand about the southern relatives. Asking them to come visit us in the north, I might as well ask them to go to New Zealand. They always want us to come down there. I tell them airplanes go both ways, besides I am sick of going south, they haven't been up north since the 80's.

So her daddy is a "Jack Legged" preacher huh??? That is what my mom calls those types.

 

[VioletWylde]

Whatever a bride wants to do is her perogative, so please don't think I'm telling anyone what they should do.

As far as my friend, she A) started saving 3 years in advance B) booked venues early to save the most money and take advantage of specials C) Entered bridal contests. Her honeymoon is free so that couple of thousand is gonna be spent on the wedding D) only invited friends and close friends. Since most of her family is married, their spouses are automatically included, and with only around 30 close friends in between them, the extra chairs and food was no big deal. I don't see how it is a hard thing, so please forgive me. I have never planned a wedding though, so you may consider this ignorance.

I wasn't implying that you were telling anyone what to do. I just know that for some, accommodating everyone's plus one isn't always an option, and while I know that the biggest reason is often budget, there are usually more issues in play. I think that in the original situation, both the bride and the guest were within their rights to walk away from the issue if they weren't happy with it.

It sounds like your friend did a really good job of saving and planning. I understand that we really get our first exposure to wedding planning when those around us get married and every experience is different. I don't consider your experience ignorance at all. We all base things off of our own experience and if all-around plus ones is what you have experienced then that is the norm for you.

 

[Transformer]

I am with you girl.

Just curious as to why you and your DH haven't met her parents? Is it like that? I really understand now why you are laying low. I say after this wedding your and DH go on vacation anyway. Sip on a fruity drink for me.

I also understand about the southern relatives. Asking them to come visit us in the north, I might as well ask them to go to New Zealand. They always want us to come down there. I tell them airplanes go both ways, besides I am sick of going south, they haven't been up north since the 80's.

So her daddy is a "Jack Legged" preacher huh??? That is what my mom calls those types.

Everyone has met her parents and family except me. Usually on the weekends(only time available) I have "sewing" obligations. This weekend I'm part of a group teaching women at a homeless shelter how to alter children's clothing. I have 100 pairs of shorts that were donated that we will use.

Yes, her father is a "Jack" minister. He constantly changes religion usually based on what he perceives as a political or economic advantage--he likes to standout from the crowd. Like in politics--I think he's "the Black Guy" in the Tea Party but he's looking to use it for his personal advantage. Apparently this year being a "rabbi" is the thing. I'm told he's been everything except a Russian Orthodox and Catholic Priest -his family thinks that's coming next year.

I'm going to hold firm. DH is pretty angry because he thinks DS is just trying to play "Big Man" with our money. He said " the next time DS throws up a "weather balloon" and dangles the VFW---tell him to see me, I'll end his expectations right away."

 

[God_Favor]

I hope that you can focus on the bigger picture and the true reason to celebrate at this moment. I guess all of the drama comes with your special day and it just doesn't seem worth it to have to deal with all the extra stuff. People are CRAZY and probably want to come so they can go back and tell every detail of your event, lol...........

With all of my negativity beind let out, is there a way your mom or close friend can deal with all of the behind the sence issues like guest so you don't even have to bring this mess into your thoughts. This will be great if you trust that they have your best in mind??

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Shame that the classic books on ETIQUETTE are deemed to be old fashioned; the world could use a few.erplexed

 

[FlowerHair]

It's your Mother's best friend, so I think you should consider her an aunt after all these years. She should be able to bring a date.

 

[bluewater01]

We've decided to invite him.

 

[Transformer]

We've decided to invite him.

I'm glad that was resolved. Unless he gets sloppy drunk and fall into the champagne fountain you probably won't know he's there.