Another Rude Wedding Request
- Thread starter bluewater01
- Start date
Wow...does she realize that this is a wedding and not a concert? People who make these type of requests and then have the audacity to say they will pay for their guests "ticket" usually have no idea all the work that goes into planning a wedding, nor do they realize that adding another guest (not YOUR guest) is as simple as paying for the person's ticket. It's another chair, it's seating in an area that may already have limited seating...it's many things. With all that said, she'll be ok. I'm sure the day will carry on and be just as beautiful whether she is there or not. But, it was nice of her to call and ask. When I got married, my step-grandmother sent her RSVP card back and ADDED five more people. It all worked out in the end as the caterer made more food than necessary, but I sure did feel some kind of way about her having the audacity to do that.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
I probably in the minority, but I think your mother's friend approached this correctly. I've found that most women in that age range do not want to attend or feel awkard without an escort at an event like this. She called asked, and offer to pay(which I also think was correct.) Most folks have a budget and can't go over the number of guests.
Since she was offering to pay, I think it was fine. I think they should try to repair their friendship. By the way, many folks would have just brought him anyway and bumped someone else from the table. This happen to me at a wedding I attended. We left the reception and went to a Mexican place for dinner.
Since she was offering to pay, I think it was fine. I think they should try to repair their friendship. By the way, many folks would have just brought him anyway and bumped someone else from the table. This happen to me at a wedding I attended. We left the reception and went to a Mexican place for dinner.
Keen
Well-Known Member
Is she paying for the wedding?
Bunny77
New Member
Yes.
I'm the one who wants the smaller, cheaper wedding and she wants the bigger one with umpteen million people.
I'm fine with the umpteen million people if she's paying for them, but then she'll say, "Well I want to have a nice venue for my friends," so she'll nix my venue ideas if it doesn't fit with her "image" of what a wedding reception should be.
Oh naw see... nuh uh... if I gotta pay for this mug to have it how I want, I gotta do it.
Fab_Nikki
Well-Known Member
Giiirl I had cousins and aunts who didn't come to our wedding we didn't invite kids. The only kids that were at our wedding were those in it. So we only had a total of 3 kids there. It will be THEIR loss if they choose not to attend. Those who attend your wedding should be the ones who are there to SUPPORT you and your FH. One (or more) monkey's don't stop no show. LOL
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Bmack
Active Member
Yeah, because its not Blue's mothers wedding its Blues so the friend is out of line.
Bmack
Active Member
I had folks angry at this too, but guess what they stayed mad or got over it because it was my damn day. Weddings are not cheap and everyone feels like you should cater to them on your day.
I don't know, but friends that expexct a plus one
or expect to bring kids I added plus ones for committed relationships and marriages not some person that wants to use my day as a date. sorry.
Just throwing a general question out not directly at you Ebonybee. So it is ok to ask to bring another person as long as it is no cost to the (for lack of better words) honoree? For me it goes back to entitlement, a lot of folks have misplaced feelings of entitlement. All because a person states they are going to foot said bill it still doesn't give them a right to attend the function. Invitations are called invitations for a reason, you ASK a specific person or people to come to a function. It isn't the club where everyone can come since they are paying $20 at the door. KWIM
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
In my opinion, the main reason people limit guest in due to the extra cost/budget. Sister is a part time wedding planner in Atlanta and she says she sees this all time. Usually it's one side of the family (groom's) requesting additional seating when the bride's family is footing the bill. The compromise is for the requesting family to pay the additional cost.
It is not unusual for people to send an invitation that states Invitee plus one. They are assuming that a single lady will invite an escort. With a lot of elderly people--it might be her driver or another family member that assist her physically.
Now if you don't want a certain person at your wedding all of the above doesn't apply. I really think that even if it's "her day" there are certain compromises to be made to ensure a no drama situation. Otherwise, keep it to a small private family gathering or destination wedding.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Okay, thanks for clarifying. I misunderstood, I thought her mother was getting married lol. In that case, the friend could come or not come, wouldn't bother me one bit. Blue is calling the shots
.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I hope you two come to a compromise. It would be nice for you to not have to pay for the wedding. I have already set in my mind how much dh and I will provide towards our daughters' weddings one day. As far as I'm concerned I want them to have the wedding of their dreams. I had a big, beautiful wedding and dh and I did everything how we wanted. We did foot most of the bill for our wedding though, our parents helped a little. But, regarding my daughters I plan to write checks and support them, help them make a decision if they need my advice, otherwise they are the boss. Your mom probably doesn't realize that she is getting carried away. I know she wants to be involved and wants to pay, so I think she will allow you to take the reigns and be in control. You deserve to have the overall wedding that you want. Her role IMO is to help you.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
^^^^ on the flip side of that....I'm mother of the groom and I have no demands and have been accused of "not being enthused." I sew/alter wedding dresses and only discussed it with his fiancee once. I also told them not to expect my family members to attend since it is on New Years Eve and constitute out of state travel by my family. DH states that if her father officiates the wedding he won't attend.
I've agreed to pay for a rehearsal dinner at son's choice of venue--that's it!
I've agreed to pay for a rehearsal dinner at son's choice of venue--that's it!
krikit96
Well-Known Member
I don't know... I'm just sayin (and please don't shoot me)
If this lady is your mom's best friend, then no doubt, she should be invited to see her best friends daugher get married.
HOWEVER, who wants to attend a wedding alone? She has a man and wants to go to the wedding with a date. Other people apparently got +1's but she didn't... that's not cool, for your mom, in my opinion.
My best friend has dated people that I couldn't stand for more reasons than one. But on an event like this, I don't see the harm in just letting her man come if others are allowed to bring dates.
Everybody is saying shame on her, but I say the mom should just let it go, as I think someone else has already said. It's NOT worth a 45 year friendship... Frankly, I'm surprised the mom let it go that far. I think they are both being petty. It's not a matter of not enough money, it's that the mom doesn't like her bff's man... No doubt the bff loves the lhcf'er getting married like an auntie or godmother... so she should WANT to be there too... and she should be able to have enough love in her heart to let her bff's man come to the wedding. ESPECIALLY if there are other +1's present. That would be a hurtful, lonely day for the bff to come to the wedding without her man, because the mom doesn't approve of her dating choice...only to see that other people were allowed to +1.
You are my BFF, and I expect you as my BFF to allow me certain privileges. Not really a sense of entitlement, but, you know... 45 years of BFF, I just EXPECT you to let me have a date at your own daughters wedding...
If this lady is your mom's best friend, then no doubt, she should be invited to see her best friends daugher get married.
HOWEVER, who wants to attend a wedding alone? She has a man and wants to go to the wedding with a date. Other people apparently got +1's but she didn't... that's not cool, for your mom, in my opinion.
My best friend has dated people that I couldn't stand for more reasons than one. But on an event like this, I don't see the harm in just letting her man come if others are allowed to bring dates.
Everybody is saying shame on her, but I say the mom should just let it go, as I think someone else has already said. It's NOT worth a 45 year friendship... Frankly, I'm surprised the mom let it go that far. I think they are both being petty. It's not a matter of not enough money, it's that the mom doesn't like her bff's man... No doubt the bff loves the lhcf'er getting married like an auntie or godmother... so she should WANT to be there too... and she should be able to have enough love in her heart to let her bff's man come to the wedding. ESPECIALLY if there are other +1's present. That would be a hurtful, lonely day for the bff to come to the wedding without her man, because the mom doesn't approve of her dating choice...only to see that other people were allowed to +1.
You are my BFF, and I expect you as my BFF to allow me certain privileges. Not really a sense of entitlement, but, you know... 45 years of BFF, I just EXPECT you to let me have a date at your own daughters wedding...
VioletWylde
Well-Known Member
^^^ not always.
I think that people have a lot of trouble reconciling that while a wedding is a party and the bride and groom want their guests to be comfortable/to have fun, that doesn't necessarily include a +1. I know, I know--blasphemy. Honestly, we've forgotten what an invitation really means on an emotional level to the couple.
The problem comes with people who feel "entitled" to a +1, as ThickHair mentioned. I understand that people do typically limit seating based on budget, but to assume that just by paying a guest's way that it negates the circumstances is overly optimistic. Who told you that IF there was an extra seat, that it should go to your guest? Why should that belong to YOU?
Due to budget/venue limitations, family and friends that a bride and groom want to invite may not make the list. Sure, it may "just be" my second cousin who was my play sister from ages 9-13, but perhaps I would rather have her there than a person who 1. I do not know, 2. was invited due to ultimatum. If I have to purchase an extra table, extra decor, extra seating and extra food--don't you think I would rather have more of my family and friends than people I've never met?
People have moved so far past feeling touched that a couple considers you close enough to spend their special day with them, that they feel it's ok to make demands on a guest list that they've never seen before and aren't paying for. I just think there is something really snotty about that. If you can't stand not having a date for a single evening fine. I'm sorry that trumps our relationship.
I think that people have a lot of trouble reconciling that while a wedding is a party and the bride and groom want their guests to be comfortable/to have fun, that doesn't necessarily include a +1. I know, I know--blasphemy. Honestly, we've forgotten what an invitation really means on an emotional level to the couple.
The problem comes with people who feel "entitled" to a +1, as ThickHair mentioned. I understand that people do typically limit seating based on budget, but to assume that just by paying a guest's way that it negates the circumstances is overly optimistic. Who told you that IF there was an extra seat, that it should go to your guest? Why should that belong to YOU?
Due to budget/venue limitations, family and friends that a bride and groom want to invite may not make the list. Sure, it may "just be" my second cousin who was my play sister from ages 9-13, but perhaps I would rather have her there than a person who 1. I do not know, 2. was invited due to ultimatum. If I have to purchase an extra table, extra decor, extra seating and extra food--don't you think I would rather have more of my family and friends than people I've never met?
People have moved so far past feeling touched that a couple considers you close enough to spend their special day with them, that they feel it's ok to make demands on a guest list that they've never seen before and aren't paying for. I just think there is something really snotty about that. If you can't stand not having a date for a single evening fine. I'm sorry that trumps our relationship.
pisceschica
Well-Known Member
Nothing against your mother but I never understand when parents or other family members of the couple invite their own people (co-workers, friends, etc) to their child's wedding. I would be annoyed by this especially if I didn't have a relationship with them.
If its that serious for your mother's friend for her boyfriend to come, then you and your mother are going to have to have a talk about it. To me its not that serious. If I was your mother's friend and she told me no I would just accept it ESPECIALLY since they don't know him. I wouldn't approve of just anyone at my wedding because you never know what strangers could do to ruin your day.
If its that serious for your mother's friend for her boyfriend to come, then you and your mother are going to have to have a talk about it. To me its not that serious. If I was your mother's friend and she told me no I would just accept it ESPECIALLY since they don't know him. I wouldn't approve of just anyone at my wedding because you never know what strangers could do to ruin your day.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Not that it should be a reason--but the nice gifts are going to come from the older set. Many times--these are the people that "raised" or the mother shared stories with while the little girl was growing up. Like it or not--mothers see weddings as a culmination of their childrearing and like to be congratualated also.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
Very true. I met some of my family at my wedding. I thought that was the craziest thing. Why were they invited? I'm the only daughter and my mom and I are close. This was their time too.
My parents paid for the bulk of the wedding expenses. Interestingly though the fam that I met at my wedding gave serious cash as a gift. This was to 'help start my new life'. The fam that couldn't make it SENT gifts that made me go 'woah'.
These are not reasons to go inviting everybody, but I can see how parents would want their friends and family to be apart of that special day. Balance on everyone's part is needed. Much easier said than done.
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LunadeMiel
Well-Known Member
I don't think your mom's friend is being unreasonable. Really, who wants to go to a wedding alone. The fact that your mom does not like her friend's boyfriend is her issue. I couldn't imagine letting a +1 get in the way of 45 year friendship. As the hostess it's your responsibility to make sure that your guests are comfortable.
Bmack
Active Member
Wow, I see both sides, but I can def see why you have been accused of not being enthused. Why does DH care about who officiates? It is his sons wedding? I am not trying to come for you, but you don't seem enthused at all...
Did they ask you to pay for anything other than the rehearsal dinner?
This reminds me of how my MIL was acting when her son and I got married...I was like wow, and so was DH. We did not ask for a red cent though. lol.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I go to the movies and out to eat alone sometimes, no problem. But I would not go to a wedding alone
. Maybe in my 20's. Since my 30's I've found it to not be very much fun. I would rather send a nice gift and stay home.I am 38 and there was never an age when I had problems going to a wedding or anything else alone.I go to the movies and out to eat alone sometimes, no problem. But I would not go to a wedding alone
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I think that's great
. I guess it just depends on the person and what their comfortable with.
Bmack
Active Member
I think so too. AND YES it does come down to budget. People get wrapped up with their own demands rather than supporting bride and groom. It’s one day/night not a lifetime so I don’t see the big deal of not bringing a date unless you are a married (or in committed relationship), and a friend of the bride or grooms. With regards to the friend offering to pay…She just wanted to be sarcastic. I can’t see how anyone of us could truly believe that she would pay for her friend to attend wedding.
My MIL paid for her friends to attend our wedding because we had a set budget because hell weddings are expensive, plus they are her friends not ours.
Now, if the friend had not been invited she would have been whining over that too.
My MIL paid for her friends to attend our wedding because we had a set budget because hell weddings are expensive, plus they are her friends not ours.
Now, if the friend had not been invited she would have been whining over that too.
I honestly have never heard of a non plus one wedding until I heard it on this forum. I'm in the bridal party at my bff's and the first thing she did was multiply the guest list by 2 to make sure she could accurately estimate the cost. If she couldn't afford it, she was gonna cut down on invitations
If I was not allowed to bring an SO to her wedding, I'd go along with it for her, but I would feel some kind of way. I've just never heard of that.Whatever people want for their big day is their decision, but per the OP, I don't blame the lady for wanting her SO to come.
Bunny77
New Member
I think it will work out. My mom (and my dad backed this up) has the tendency to first react in the most extreme way and then after a while, she calms down. But... I always like to be prepared if she does carry out the "extreme" plan! Plus, my dad will be the cooler head in the situation.
Very true. I met some of my family at my wedding. I thought that was the craziest thing. Why were they invited? I'm the only daughter and my mom and I are close. This was their time too.
And the three posts above are the conflict that we're having.
Honestly, I have NO problem with my parents inviting their friends that I might not know that well. However, the conflict comes when she's ruling out reception sites because she says they're too small for 225 people or because they aren't things that would be comfortable for her friends, and that's when I say, "Well, sorry, but I don't plan to have the reception venue for my wedding determined by what you want your friends to enjoy and see!"
Like, she wanted one expensive place on Friday because it was cheaper, but FH said it would be difficult for his people to come in on a Friday from Pennsylvania. My mom said, "Well, I compromised for his 62 people, but all of OUR people are local and could make it on Friday!" (These are all retired folks over 65.)
I said, "No, YOUR people are local. I have a lot of friends coming from out of state too who can't make it on Friday, so let's just pick a cheaper place and have it on Saturday."
I'm thinking too, so wait, the groom's people are just disregarded because you want to get the Friday deal at Chez Expensive and you're determining feasibility for everyone based on YOUR friends? Nah...
So yes, they are more than welcome to come, but I'm not selecting my venue and date to accomodate THEM.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
I didn't do +1. Single people whose SO's we knew were invited. They received their own invite as our guest.
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