20 yr friendship over because no kids allowed

[january noir]

My Godmother is my aunt, it is very clear who's godmother she is til this day.

It's nice that parents give their children siblings. Good for them. but that's a personal problem. Godparents are not a fast food restaurant for you to feed and drop off all their kids.

Martyrdom is a just a way for women to set themselves and other people up for disappointment and failure later.

My Godmother is my mother's sister. My other sisters have family friends as Godparents.

Today, a godparent is usually an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development, and to take care of the child should anything happen to the parents. The original meaning of a god parent is linked to Christianity and assistance with baptism.

I doubt that most people today take it seriously and look at it as just a title they can throw around to make them look good (i.e. responsible and well thought of).

In this case I guess you can say the God mother title has been stripped/rescinded.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I feel a spin-off cause it seems there's a big range of ideals when it comes to being a godparent.

 

[ikandi87]

Is it mandatory to buy godchildren gifts? This is bizarre to me bc mostly likely u r close to the parent of ur godchild, shouldnt that be enough to treat all of his or her children equally? Idk I try not to take things out on children when I buy something for my niece I buy all my nieces and nephew something (except bdays, graduations, etc) even tho they are not siblings...it just seems like the adult thing to do.

 

[sj10460]

Is it mandatory to buy godchildren gifts? This is bizarre to me bc mostly likely u r close to the parent of ur godchild, shouldnt that be enough to treat all of his or her children equally? Idk I try not to take things out on children when I buy something for my niece I buy all my nieces and nephew something (except bdays, graduations, etc) even tho they are not siblings...it just seems like the adult thing to do.

How does your relationship with your siblings children compare to someone that is a non-relative that was chosen to be a Godparent to one child?

 

[FemmeFatale]

I made a thread in the baby forum about God parenting.. My 3 month old nephew is my first and only godchild. I don't know what "proper" protocol is and I know my sister plans on having more kids but that first born baby boy is my heart and joy, it'll be hard not to treat him differently. I've already decided that I'll be helping him with college expenses and chipping in to get his first car

 

[Mortons]

Umm godparent relationships are special and different from kid to kid. If you don't want any children to feel different choose the same godparent for all of them.

None of the differences are op's problem

 

[ikandi87]

How does your relationship with your siblings children compare to someone that is a non-relative that was chosen to be a Godparent to one child?

Because children are children imo. Im too nice of an adult to treat a child differently because of some tradition that one one these days really understands the meaning behind. To each its own tho!

 

[NOEChic]

I'm not trying to derail the conversation (whatever is left of it). But I don't see why a God mother to one child, has to buy gifts for all the children. Each kid has their own Godmother. Her duty is to that Godchild. If the mother wanted the kids to be so equal, she should have given all of them the same Godmother. The mother is shady for having such expectation.

my friend has three kids and a stepson. I'm the godmother for the baby my moms the godmother for the little girl and the oldest boy has a different godmother, I don't know who's the stepsons godparents are but when I buy for my godson I buy for all four kids just to be fair

 

[sj10460]

my friend has three kids and a stepson. I'm the godmother for the baby my moms the godmother for the little girl and the oldest boy has a different godmother, I don't know who's the stepsons godparents are but when I buy for my godson I buy for all four kids just to be fair

Do you do anything special for you godson or do you treat all the children the same? Another question, God forbid your friend dies unexpected and sudden, would you take in all three of her children and care for them equally?

NOEChic

 

[sj10460]

Because children are children imo. Im too nice of an adult to treat a child differently because of some tradition that one one these days really understands the meaning behind. To each its own tho!

ikandi87 your scenario doesn't apply in the context in which we are discussing. You're still the aunt to those children, you didn't make a separate commitment for one child. And contrary to what you may believe, a lot of people really do understand the meaning behind being a Godparent and their commitment seriously.

 

[NOEChic]

Do you do anything special for you godson or do you treat all the children the same? Another question, God forbid your friend dies unexpected and sudden, would you take in all three of her children and care for them equally? NOEChic

no BC all of the kids, but the stepson are special to me. If something happens to my friend, someone in her family will take the kids.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Because children are children imo. Im too nice of an adult to treat a child differently because of some tradition that one one these days really understands the meaning behind. To each its own tho!

LOL

I'm not that "nice." I'll never be that nice. Most other adults aren't that nice either. Your own children are one thing but treating everybody's else's kids equally? no ma'am. Cultivating a sense of entitlement in other people's kids in their expectations of you--again, no ma'am. Everybody ain't getting everything. Unless you are trying for martyr of the year catering to children like some even keel Santa Claus is nothing more than throwing yourself under the bus for later.

I'm most of my younger relatives favorite aunt/cousin and I'm proud to say I pick favorites and rank by priority. If you're not that important or special, you need to know it. real life, real world and here is the real deal. Better keep those expectations to a minimum. It's rare that I'm accused of being unreliable or disappointing someone as a result. Besides, my favorite today may not be my favorite tomorrow. And just because one isn't my favorite at the moment doesnt mean they aren't/won't be someone else's. Either way--not my kids, not my problem.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

Someone sent me an article this morning and it reminded me of this thread, especially "increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation"



There is life after a wedding... a marriage after a wedding

I love this because it really is the most important thing. I get it, brides want to be in the spotlight and have their special day. But you have to cultivate and maintain some relationships after that one day is over. Because trust me, your marriage is gonna be tested over and over and there will be days where you wish you didn't even spend all that money on that wedding. Then you will want to talk to your friend and she isn't there.

I know people do what they want and that is great. No problem there, however, you must be mindful of how other people feel about the decisions you make that involve them, directly or indirectly.

I have been married for nearly 10 years and I look back at my wedding and what I could have done differently.

My personal opinion is that people take weddings TOO seriously. They are pretty and dreamy but somethings are NOT worth it.

I was very laid back and even I took some things too seriously, and it cost me time lost with loved ones, and even friendship, that I can never get back. I really do regret my selfish thought process and inability to communicate with others just because I was in my little world. It was not worth it in the end.

But you also have to be mindful of how you treat children. Their feelings can be hurt too, depending on your relationship with them. Our society astounds me with how it dismisses the feelings of children yet pretends that they are so concerned about their well being.

Just my little two cents. Most of the people I know that made such a big deal about their wedding day are not even married anymore. So think about your priorities between the beauty of the veil and wedding cake.

 

[afroette]

I guess I'm missing something. I see the arguments about preserving a friendship and not get wrapped up in one's wedding day. I do not understand though how the OP is under any obligation invite three children when only one was invited. Just curious does that mean if the middle child is invited to a friend's party the older and younger must come too or else risk hurting the two's feelings?

And let's say that the right thing to do is to invite all the kids, why did the friend get so upset about not having them all invited? Isn't she ignoring the fact that the OP singled out her daughter for a great honor? Couldn't the mother have planned something special for the other two during that time instead (because what kid would choose attending a wedding over anything else)?

I truly don't get it. There were times I felt jealous of my sister but she's older, had different friends, is a different person. And I'm sure she was at times jealous of me. My sometimes not being included didn't scar me.

I'm with those who say don't have any kids in the wedding as well as those who say people take weddings too seriously. It's really sad if a friendship is lost over something so silly but something tells me this "friendship" ended a long time ago. I think the real issue here is not the wedding but the inability on both sides to express dissatisfaction and figure out a compromise or fix.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[cutiebe2]

Most times, a God parent is a close friend of the family, so why wouldn't the treat all the kids well. If my best friend makes me godmother to her first child and has other children, I'm going to buy for all her kids. In the end she is my best friend and all her kids will call me Auntie. Its not like you order Godparents from a catalog, they are already people very involved in your life.
If I am not close enough to the parents to want to care for all their kids equally, I would question why I agreed to be a Godparent.

 

[LivingInPeace]

But if you want the godparent of one child to do for all the children equally, shouldn't you ask them to be the godparents to all your children?

 

[afroette]

Most times, a God parent is a close friend of the family, so why wouldn't the treat all the kids well. If my best friend makes me godmother to her first child and has other children, I'm going to buy for all her kids. In the end she is my best friend and all her kids will call me Auntie. Its not like you order Godparents from a catalog, they are already people very involved in your life. If I am not close enough to the parents to want to care for all their kids equally, I would question why I agreed to be a Godparent.

Okay, I get this. It's not about kids being excluded. It's about who's doing the exclusion.

I really wish that a compromise could have been found. A pre- or post-wedding barbecue for out of town guests and family including kids held by the OP? Or the mother finding something else for the kids to do? A party for all the kids in another room with teenaged chaperones?

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[barbiesocialite]

I feel like some of these attitudes are indicative of those who have and want small families.

If you have 4 or 4 children, or are godparent to one child of 6, there's no way in hell you would be concerned about a godparent/aunt treating everyone equally simply because it's unrealistic,

 

[NOEChic]

I feel like some of these attitudes are indicative of those who have and want small families. If you have 4 or 4 children, or are godparent to one child of 6, there's no way in hell you would be concerned about a godparent/aunt treating everyone equally simply because it's unrealistic,

I do for all or none.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

I feel like some of these attitudes are indicative of those who have and want small families.

If you have 4 or 4 children, or are godparent to one child of 6, there's no way in hell you would be concerned about a godparent/aunt treating everyone equally simply because it's unrealistic,

I get what you are saying.
Me personally, I didn't want children, but had one by some freak of nature. I will not lie, I don't like children . But, even before I had mine, I still made it a point to not make obvious differences between children, especially to their face.

There are a lot of things I didn't get before I had a little one and now, I just think about how I don't want people to treat him. So of course with some people there will be that bias there. But, in terms of general life situations (marriages, graduations, holidays, etc), if I do for one child in a family I do for all. For example, my brother in law is married to a trick I loathe and I don't like her raggedy arse child either. But since they had a child together that I adore, I can't buy a present for one and not for the other. For several reasons. One, the mother won't live it down. Two, the in laws may revolt. Three, the baby don't know the difference but her oldest is old enough to see the preferential treatment.

I am trying not to be long winded here, but sometimes it is just wise to give in and be "fair". I know how I would want someone to do/not do my child and so I will have the same policy. Now of course, when I see my baby nephew I will slide him something special that the older child won't know about but I mean, thats just what people do. I think that's along the lines of what you are saying.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

I also want to add again that people take weddings far too seriously lol. Please I am warning those that plan on having a wedding in the future, for your sanity and the health of your marriage, just be mindful. You don't have to be a pushover, but be fair.

I was reading some of the earlier replies about the children at the weddings and I get it, you can do as you please, but weddings shouldn't be TOO staunch. I say this not only for the child aspect but for anything. People spend so much time wanting things so perfect they don't enjoy the moment.

I have been to child free and child-inclusive weddings. I married into a culture where children are a part of everything, so I didn't mind them being at my wedding and I didn't even know the difference. As a matter of fact, I wished some of the adults were NOT there before the children. All they do is come and eat all your food and gossip about you. Don't think you are special, someone is always at a wedding doing it. And most folks so cheap, they don't bring a gift. So think about allll that stress and planning and MONEY (30$-100$ a plate) you spend on some ungrateful folks that talk about you and don't even bring a gift. Come on.

The babies are so carefree and had fun. Anyway, weddings should be enjoyable and celebratory. Not so strict. You will have better memories if you look at it that way.

 

[cutiebe2]

But if you want the godparent of one child to do for all the children equally, shouldn't you ask them to be the godparents to all your children?

My point is not directly to OP and her wedding issue. I'm saying usually, the Godparent is someone very close to the family, so worrying about who is giving to which child is a mute point. The person is close to the family and thus has a relationship with all the children. That is just my experience.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I get what you are saying.
Me personally, I didn't want children, but had one by some freak of nature. I will not lie, I don't like children . But, even before I had mine, I still made it a point to not make obvious differences between children, especially to their face.

There are a lot of things I didn't get before I had a little one and now, I just think about how I don't want people to treat him. So of course with some people there will be that bias there. But, in terms of general life situations (marriages, graduations, holidays, etc), if I do for one child in a family I do for all. For example, my brother in law is married to a trick I loathe and I don't like her raggedy arse child either. But since they had a child together that I adore, I can't buy a present for one and not for the other. For several reasons. One, the mother won't live it down. Two, the in laws may revolt. Three, the baby don't know the difference but her oldest is old enough to see the preferential treatment.

I am trying not to be long winded here, but sometimes it is just wise to give in and be "fair". I know how I would want someone to do/not do my child and so I will have the same policy. Now of course, when I see my baby nephew I will slide him something special that the older child won't know about but I mean, thats just what people do. I think that's along the lines of what you are saying.

NotMyMommasBiscuits

so it's safe to say that if you were having a wedding and this was your godchild with several other siblings---or conversation's sake, let's say 3 other siblings--you'd welcome the idea of involving all of those children in your wedding, correct?

Or when Christmas comes you are buying all 4 of those children's gifts?

To be fair, you're going to remember every kid's birthday, attend every graduation, even though thee other children are not your godchildren and have their own godparents?

Is that correct?

In all fairness, it is being fair. And if you're going to do something, do it right with consistency or else risk the chance of being a failure, unreliable, quitter or disappointment later.

Personally I believe in fairness when it comes to my own children as I am equally responsible for all of them, have equal investment in their present and future. As far as everyone else, I expect them to treat all of my children as well as I pay them to.

 

[cutiebe2]

I feel like some of these attitudes are indicative of those who have and want small families.

If you have 4 or 4 children, or are godparent to one child of 6, there's no way in hell you would be concerned about a godparent/aunt treating everyone equally simply because it's unrealistic,

My mom is one of nine and they all had different godparents, but I think it was away of tying friends into the family formally so to speak. At the same time, this was at a time hen you weren't worrying about how many gifts the kids were going to get. It really depends on how the family thinks of a Godparent.

 

[barbiesocialite]

My mom is one of nine and they all had different godparents, but I think it was away of tying friends into the family formally so to speak. At the same time, this was at a time hen you weren't worrying about how many gifts the kids were going to get. It really depends on how the family thinks of a Godparent.

so you're mom's godparents bought all 9 kids presents? and included all 9 children at all times?

what about for you? Did your mom expect your godparents to do for all of your siblings equally as well as she/he did for you?

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

@NotMyMommasBiscuits

so it's safe to say that if you were having a wedding and this was your godchild with several other siblings---or conversation's sake, let's say 3 other siblings--you'd welcome the idea of involving all of those children in your wedding, correct?

Or when Christmas comes you are buying all 4 of those children's gifts?

To be fair, you're going to remember every kid's birthday, attend every graduation, even though thee other children are not your godchildren and have their own godparents?

Is that correct?

In all fairness, it is being fair. And if you're going to do something, do it right with consistency or else risk the chance of being a failure, unreliable, quitter or disappointment later.

Personally I believe in fairness when it comes to my own children as I am equally responsible for all of them, have equal investment in their present and future. As far as everyone else, I expect them to treat all of my children as well as I pay them to.

Yes I would. And like I said, I get your standpoint and raise you a glass! Its all a matter of preference I suppose.

My brother and I do not have a godparent. But my sister does. And although her godmother wasn't OUR godparent, she never left us out of anything. For Christmas, she bought ALL of us gifts. They may not have been of the same value, who knows, but we all got something. She acknowledged all of our birthdays. If I had a dance recital, she was there. If my brother had a karate meet, she came. My sister, a band performance, she came there too. So it isn't far fetched to me. I have heard of worse along the line of expectations, it is just a matter of if you have the desire to do it. One never have to, of course.

It isn't so much about responsibility so much as it is just being considerate of other people's feelings, but of course, no one has to care about that either.

I will also add that my parents did not have the expectation for my sister's godparent to do anything for us. She just did it out of her own kindness. She has her own grandchildren and everything. She was just a kind woman.

My brother in law's godmother only buys him gifts and never bought my husband anything. And his family was okay with that. Not sure how my DH felt about it, it probably didn't matter to him.

In many cases perhaps it is important to communicate expectations with people above all else, before assuming a role.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Yes I would. And like I said, I get your standpoint and raise you a glass! Its all a matter of preference I suppose.

My brother and I do not have a godparent. But my sister does. And although her godmother wasn't OUR godparent, she never left us out of anything. For Christmas, she bought ALL of us gifts. They may not have been of the same value, who knows, but we all got something. She acknowledged all of our birthdays. If I had a dance recital, she was there. If my brother had a karate meet, she came. My sister, a band performance, she came there too. So it isn't far fetched to me. I have heard of worse along the line of expectations, it is just a matter of if you have the desire to do it. One never have to, of course.

It isn't so much about responsibility so much as it is just being considerate of other people's feelings, but of course, no one has to care about that either.

Ok fair enough.

I'm honestly not trying to antagonize you by any mean but I do have one last thought about the matter, if given the choice as an elder/parent/godparent/aunt/etc which do you think would be the most hurtful to a child that would look most poorly on you as the elder?: unrequired/unsolicitied fairness now to everybody or disappointment/letdown about required expectations later.

The godchild will grow up, and we all know kids are expensive with age, what is more likely to set your child and the godparents up for long-term failure and/or hurt feellings? expectations for the godparent to meet the needs of her godchild or to expect the godchildren to meet the needs of godchildren that arent theirs?

sorry if I'm being a pain in the arse, I like your font and appreciate your responses even when I don't agree.

 

[NotMyMommasBiscuits]

Ok fair enough.

I'm honestly not trying to antagonize you by any mean but I do have one last thought about the matter, if given the choice as an elder/parent/godparent/aunt/etc which do you think would be the most hurtful to a child that would look most poorly on you as the elder?: unrequired/unsolicitied fairness now to everybody or disappointment/letdown about required expectations later.

The godchild will grow up, and we all know kids are expensive with age, what is more likely to set your child and the godparents up for long-term failure and/or hurt feellings? expectations for the godparent to meet the needs of her godchild or to expect the godchildren to meet the needs of godchildren that arent theirs?

sorry if I'm being a pain in the arse, I like your font and appreciate your responses even when I don't agree.

I don't feel antagonized at all. I try to lighten up the mood when I can cause anything involving children is a sensitive subject, in different ways.

People allow their personal feelings and experiences to get in the way of logic and their responses are often an end result. This can be good and bad. But to answer your question there is no solid answer I think. I think the best anyone can do is to try to be there as much as humanly possible cause I do know that children are expensive and involving all children in certain things when it comes to larger families especially can be costly.

I just think it is important to communicate expectations as the parent and the godparent. This can eliminate many issues as with any relationship. Even ones with children.

As the child(ren) gets older some of these things don't matter as much but I think especially for younger children you must be mindful because SOME children are more sensitive than others. They will witness it and think well why didn't I get to do this/get this too? And the other side of that is mama bears getting offended, which is the original subject of this thread. Mothers just want their child to be treated like everyone else I think. Some probably wouldn't care but some would see it as an attack, especially if they probably grew up in a family where they felt like they were obviously treated differently.

So, I think you just have to communicate if you feel like the relationship is significant. I know there are some cases where family is extended and the kid probably doesn't even know you so it don't matter. What may work for one situation may not fly with the other though. And if there is any point in time where I cannot fulfill my duties as usual I will let the parent know and if the child is old enough to understand, let them know too. There has been a time where I was out of work and couldn't purchase gifts for my BFF and her children. In those cases, I would either just give gifts later at different times, but let them know, or just choose a cheaper purchase at that time for everyone.

But these are superficial things. It is just really all about making sure the children do not feel OBVIOUSLY picked out, even if it isn't your intention. At least that is what's most important for me. Some children don't care, some do. It is the adults responsibility to gauge that. I don't want them to ever question if someone is favored over them. Because I personally have been put in situations by other family members and family friends that made me wonder. And it hurt my feelings so when I saw them, I was like, meh...don't wanna fool with you, which caused tension with me and my parents. It can be awkward cause children have to respect their elders but if you know the elder OBVIOUSLY doesn't like you, why would you care.

 

[ikandi87]

@ikandi87 your scenario doesn't apply in the context in which we are discussing. You're still the aunt to those children, you didn't make a separate commitment for one child. And contrary to what you may believe, a lot of people really do understand the meaning behind being a Godparent and their commitment seriously.

I understand the context. I used that scenario to make a point that children should be treated somewhat equal. From what I see irl people do the exact things mentioned in this thread. Maybe im missing something here. How can you (not you personally) be close or even related to the other children but favor one child just because its your Godchild.

 

[ikandi87]

But these are superficial things. It is just really all about making sure the children do not feel OBVIOUSLY picked out, even if it isn't your intention. At least that is what's most important for me. Some children don't care, some do. It is the adults responsibility to gauge that. I don't want them to ever question if someone is favored over them. Because I personally have been put in situations by other family members and family friends that made me wonder. And it hurt my feelings so when I saw them, I was like, meh...don't wanna fool with you, which caused tension with me and my parents. It can be awkward cause children have to respect their elders but if you know the elder OBVIOUSLY doesn't like you, why would you care.

THIS!!!!!!!!!