Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
How is not involving sibling being selfish? I invited her mom, sister, her and one kid. Geesh, we are approaching our budget I'm not going into debt to please people.
20 yr friendship over because no kids allowed
- Thread starter Kinkyhairlady
- Start date
How is not involving sibling being selfish? I invited her mom, sister, her and one kid. Geesh, we are approaching our budget I'm not going into debt to please people.
TayMac
Well-Known Member
Are you upset about your friend or you don't give a damn because it is your wedding? First you seemed hurt and now it seems more angry.
She might be mad about the kid, she might be mad you didn't ask her to be maid of honor...who knows. If the friendship was of value to you, you would talk things out. Not apologize but say "hey what's going on"
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
OP you clearly didn't care about this friendship and maybe were looking for a reason to end this? A wedding is one day you have a whole lifetime without your friend after this.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I'm upset cause she called me at 7am this morning to go off on me. I was in tears cause she was talking to me like I owe her something. In friendships you have to respect one another. I would never go off on her like that. Is be supportive. She's become more rude over the years. People like that I don't think I want your support but I love my God daughter very much so maybe later after the wedding I'll talk to her. Right now I'm stressed out and don't want no drama.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Although I sometimes think being the bigger person is overrated
, did you ever consider trying to find out what else might be going on? You can still make it known that you didn't appreciate the way she spoke to you, but really, after 20 years, you should be able to at least communicate with each other and try to work things out. JMO.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I don't think you are being selfish. But you seem very stressed and overwhelmed. You need to relax and really think. Out of all the suggestions you got in this thread, you ignored them all and instead made up a solution that really satisfies no one. I wish you the best and hope everything works out how you hope.
curlicarib
Lovin'' All of Me
It's not selfish. What is selfish is the "it's my wedding and I'll do what I want" attitude. Yes, it's your wedding and you can do what you want, but how much fun will it be when 1/2 your guests don't show up because they're pissed for one reason or another?
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^^^On a side note: This actually happened to my cousin, but his wife was, and still is, a straight up *****. And 25 yrs later, relationships that she broke, or never developed, on our side of the family because of the nonsense she pulled with her wedding, have never been repaired. Don't lose a friend of 20+ years because of one day. It's just not worth it. And, yes, it really is just one day.
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If it's a case of you don't like kids, all your friends and family should know this by now and should not feel slighted if you chose not to have kids attend. If it's a financial issue, explain this to your guests with children who would like to bring them. It's a better explanation than "I just don't want kids to come". If it's a case of you love kids but want to keep this strictly adult, then it's best to have NO children in attendence - including the bridal party.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I honestly cannot say I want to call her. I called her mom and even her mom said she's being acting very entitled and she's disrespectful but the mom said to still send the invite but I'm not going to until she apologizes. She raised her voice at me and was very fresh. I'm not a dog no one will talk to me any kind of way and think I'm going to come crawling to you. For what?! My solution is to cut the kids out that were walking, which was suggested here. The ring bearer is my cuz and she had no siblings.
SmileyNY
Well-Known Member
You're entitled to do whatever you want. You're in control of your wedding.
You wouldn't have had to make an exception for everyone. You could have only made an exception for those who were actually a part of the wedding party.
Based on the information you gave in this thread, it costs $25 per child. If an extra $50-$150 dollars would cause you to spiral into serious debt, then maybe having a wedding wasn't a good idea.
Overall, I understand having an adults-only wedding. However, if it's adults only, it should be adults only. And if you really want to make exceptions, then you should have made sure the everyone was onboard before allowing them to be a part of the wedding.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
It's about $850. Yes I would need to make an exception for others cause they would be pissed at me as well.
cutiebe2
Well-Known Member
You started the thread upset and now you sound riled up and angry. Take time to think about what everyone has send. In the end, focus on the fact that you love your God daughter and want her in the wedding. You also want your friend there. If they were people you could do without, you wouldn't have invited them. I agree not to let people walk on you but also don't do things you will regret. Work it out before the wedding. If you wait until after you may look at the photos a year later and wish they were in them. I'm an sure there is a solution somewhere in this argument.
RocStar
Well-Known Member
If you ask someone to be part of your wedding, you should be a little more understanding. They are helping you on your special day...you aren't doing them any favors. To think that you would ask the girl to be in the wedding, but hey mom, don't bring your other kids...I just don't get it.
If it is a real, true friendship, it seems pretty sad to end a friendship over $25-$50.
If it is a real, true friendship, it seems pretty sad to end a friendship over $25-$50.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I'm not angry at all. I'm ok. I was hurt but the more I think about it I'm like don't let this get to you. Just do what you have to do. She's been like this for years and I tolerate her. She's not very supportive but when she needs your help you best be there. This situation gave me clarity. Not everyone is happy for me and it's ok that's life.
RocStar
Well-Known Member
SmileyNY
Well-Known Member
Bottom line, there were plenty of better ways to work this out rather than making your friend of 20 years feel unheard. If someone seemed to not care about me and mine, I would abandon ship too.
She wasn't clear on all that having her child in the wedding entailed from the beginning and that was your fault.
If it were me, I would realize my fault in the whole situation and try to either make some sort of compromise... or cancel all children in the wedding and ask for her forgiveness.
GoldenRule
Well-Known Member
This is about more than those kids coming or not coming to the wedding. A TRUE friend of 20 years shouldn't have her arse in a twist because she didn't get a +FIVE to your wedding. Even a moron should understand why they couldn't have one of those. When you've calmed down, get to the root of the issue. She may be feeling "some kinda way" about your getting married. Maybe she feels you will not have time for her and her kids anymore. Maybe she really doesn't care for your fiance and thinks you're making a mistake. Maybe she is a wee bit jealous. It could be a gazillion reasons but her blowing up at you was out of proportion to the issue at hand, not to mention inappropriate. You are almost a year out. You have plenty of time to resolve the issues between you even though it looks pretty hopeless right now, time heals. Personally, I think you've done nothing wrong. You've gotta keep a handle on that list. You must! You have to make hard decisions and you cannot and will not please everyone. Step away from the planning for a day or two and give things some thought.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I told her this and asked for her daughter to walk she said yes but she's not feeling the whole no kids thing. She took the weekend to think about this and called this morning. Come to find out her sister told her that she's my maid of honor. I think that's what the real issue might be not sure cause she has somewhere to leave the other kids if she wants. She's a family of 4. Most folks I'm inviting are get 2 cards per household. I pretty much think she's not happy for me cause when I announced my engagement she was like oh really that's nice as opposed to her sister her was overjoyed for me cause she knows how I've waited to marry the right person. She will get it one day but I'm not the one that's gonna show her.
SmileyNY
Well-Known Member
So you are close to her Mom and sister. Her sister is your MOH? That's very close. In that case, what do their invites have to do with her? I don't think it's fair to tack on their invites to hers, just because they are related.
I was thinking they were her +2. They are totally separate invites, IMO.
Once she said she wasn't "feeling the whole no children thing" that's when you should have reiterated yourself and told her to take it or leave it.
Giving her a couple days to stew over it only made her more & more angry.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
Right. I'd call and apologize for offending her and proceed to say " but I do understand why neither of you will be there, so take care."
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I've known them for so long I invited them and they all live in the same house. Not inviting 2 children should not be that serious. Me and her sister are close and always have been. Me and her have had so many petty disagreements that I really don't feel like I need to explain myself anymore than I have.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
Umm I did I thought the conversation was over. She said she did not want to be impulsive the day we spoke and wanted to think about it more and after she did she finds it offensive. She's been asking folks for advice that's why she called so early to put me in my place I guess.
tmhuggiebear
Well-Known Member
I understand that you think it shouldn't be that serious but to some people it is. You may not feel this way but it can be seen as favoritism and like you are slighting the other children. People hold their families close to them. It would have been better if you didn't include any children. As crazy as it sounds, children in the family (when it comes to the wedding) are a unit. The same way it would be wrong to only invite the husband and not the wife to a wedding because they are a unit is the same way that it is wrong to invite one child and not the other.
Furthermore, usually when planning weddings brides and grooms try to provide an exception to those involved in the wedding party because the favor they are doing for the marrying couple. Think about it - being in a wedding party involves the added expense of dresses and hair, plus having to spend time on the rehearsal dinner. Though most are happy to do it and can manage it, they are still going above and beyond for your special day. That's why it would be nice if you extended the exception to the other siblings of the wedding party.
It's the same as when people don't extend plus 1's to people who are not in a relationship, but choose to extend one to a single bridesmaid for going out of her way for the bride.
I wish you luck with planning your wedding. Hopefully it gets easier after this.
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Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
We used to be BFF as teens but grew apart due to disagreements. We are friends but not on the level of she knows my personal business and I know hers. It had not been like that for years but I would hate to be on the outs with her due to this. Will it hurt me in any way if she never speaks to me? No not really. She does not contribute much to my personal life. Her sister will go above and beyond for me and has proven to care over the years. Her on the other hand never calls or visits. I make the effort.
Why bother to have your god child in the wedding knowing you would have to deal with her?
You are feeding us history in bite size pieces. If you would have gave the true status of your relationship with the child's mother, I think everyone would have been indifferent. You didn't currently have a 20 year friendship with this woman, you were tolerating her. Big difference. Now it has evolved into possible jealousy, low funds, closer to her sister anyway and a multitude of items. IMHO you may or may not have wanted the kid in the wedding, but you felt a sort of obligation since she is your god child and when mommy caused a stink, you had an easy out. Again JMHO.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
I'm ok with the mother we are friends but not close like we used to be. My God baby I love and I wanted her there but her mom wants to take that away it's fine. I can't tell every detail if our friendship but we did not have no issues until today.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
Geez, this right here is why I canceled our wedding planning and told dh to just take me to the dern courthouse.
I tried having a simple wedding and comprising, and folk still got all in they feelings about ish. Somebody is going to be mad. Plain as that.
Try to work out the situation for the greater good of relationships and move on.
Personally, I prefer an adult only wedding. They are much calmer and elegant IMO. But this means no kids at all.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
I tried having a simple wedding and comprising, and folk still got all in they feelings about ish. Somebody is going to be mad. Plain as that.
Try to work out the situation for the greater good of relationships and move on.
Personally, I prefer an adult only wedding. They are much calmer and elegant IMO. But this means no kids at all.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Best dream wedding ever.
it's you and him focused & committed to sharing life with marriage, so you get married. the end.
