20 yr friendship over because no kids allowed

cutiebe2 said:
I mean, I see you have opinions on kids at weddings, which is all well and good. Obviously OP doesn't feel the same because she has at least 3, the kids in the wedding. Again, no half stepping. Either have no kids or invite the kids of close family/friends. But splitting families is rude.
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I see you have yours too (which is all well and good). Isn't that what conversation is all about? You share yours, I'll share mine.
 
I understand why the mom feels this is unfair, but I think she could have put those feelings aside for your wedding. As a mother myself, I wouldn't want any of my children to feel hurt or left out, but there are going to be situations in life where siblings won't be able to do the same things together all the time.

I wouldn't end the friendship over this though. I'd call her, apologize for offending her and let her know how much it would mean to me for her to attend. If it doesn't make a huge difference to let her bring the rest of her children, then just let her bring them.
 
Jasmataz said:
I understand why the mom feels this is unfair, but I think she could have put those feelings aside for your wedding. As a mother myself, I wouldn't want any of my children to feel hurt or left out, but there are going to be situations in life where siblings won't be able to do the same things together all the time.

I wouldn't end the friendship over this though. I'd call her, apologize for offending her and let her know how much it would mean to me for her to attend. If it doesn't make a huge difference to let her bring the rest of her children, then just let her bring them.
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That's a good point too. Do all the kids have to have our experience the same things? I say no, but again that answer is age dependent.
 
Op, you are wrong, and your friend did nothing wrong...even in her delivery. If at your age, even if you don't have kids, you don't know that excluding children like that hurts them, then your brain ain't working right. You are basically saying that you don't care about how they feel. My delivery would have been the same or worse. No way would I allow anyone to hurt my children's feelings.


By the way, is that the foreign guy? Did he get his **** together?
 
What about allowing children at the wedding but not the reception. I can understand not wanting children at a reception but the ceremony could be a good compromise.
 
Why not have NO flower girl? Is that a possibility?

I understand you wanting it to be an adult-only affair. Nothing wrong there. But if you are going to make that a rule, then eliminate the exceptions.

I went to an adult-only wedding, the bride walked down the aisle minus a flower girl. And it was still a beautiful and loving ceremony.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
I did not think it was a big deal. If I thought she would be so angry I would not even ask for my God daughter to walk. She also said oh she's offended that I'm not letting my God daughters siblings see her walk in the wedding. I'm like wth! Is this about your kids or me?!
 
I don't want kids at my wedding either. I would feel bad splitting the kids up like that; so my flower girl will have to be an only child as will the ring bearer, lol. Make the other kids part of the wedding. Also most places have kids meals.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
I think it's two extra kids, not one. Are they well behaved? I probably would have chosen an only child or someone who was ok with not bringing their other kids. Did she know about the rule up front?
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I don't even care if they are well behaved. I just don't want any kids that are not part of the wedding party there. I have a lot of cousins with kids I can't invite their kids so I am not making an exception for no one. My wedding is next Summer God willing so I gave her more than enough heads up .
 
Jasmataz said:
I understand why the mom feels this is unfair, but I think she could have put those feelings aside for your wedding. As a mother myself, I wouldn't want any of my children to feel hurt or left out, but there are going to be situations in life where siblings won't be able to do the same things together all the time. I wouldn't end the friendship over this though. I'd call her, apologize for offending her and let her know how much it would mean to me for her to attend. If it doesn't make a huge difference to let her bring the rest of her children, then just let her bring them.
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Umm she needs to call me to apologize. I did nothing wrong. When she was raising her voice I said sorry you feel that way but I'm not inviting any kids. She was like well none of us are coming good luck with your wedding!
 
She's overreacting which makes me think this is about something more. However, it shouldn't be that hard for you to see this from her perspective as well. It's understandable that her other kids want to feel included.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I did not think it was a big deal. If I thought she would be so angry I would not even ask for my God daughter to walk. She also said oh she's offended that I'm not letting my God daughters siblings see her walk in the wedding. I'm like wth! Is this about your kids or me?!
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this is not about the children or your friendship or the wedding.

im trying to imagine this phone call where your friend says she doesnt want half of her kids not invited to the wedding and how you couldnt come up with a compromise for that.

not one of the compromises in this thread struck you as reasonable?

you just said no kids allowed but i need a flower girl so oh well?

sounds like youre trying to flex on everybody because youre getting married (and no, people dont care about your "special day" to the point that they are willing to let you slight them) and she wasnt going for it.
 
Naveah2050 said:
OP I understand but come on now where is she going to leave the other two kids?!
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Those kids have fathers. When she wants to go out and have fun she has some where to leave them. People's child care is not my problem on
My wedding day. If you can't come that's fine but no need to cuss me out for that.
 
^^^ You are making an exception though. You are making an exception for children who are part of the wedding party. However, you are not considering if they have siblings. I don't think that this issue extends to parents whose child/children are not part of the wedding party.

I think at this point, you should think about life after the wedding. If this person has contributed significantly to your life over the past 20 years try making amends with her regarding this issue. I'm not saying to invite her children, I'm saying to maybe find a way to put this issue behind you.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I don't even care if they are well behaved. I just don't want any kids that are not part of the wedding party there. I have a lot of cousins with kids I can't invite their kids so I am not making an exception for no one. My wedding is next Summer God willing so I gave her more than enough heads up .
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If it is that important to you not to have kids at your wedding, call your friend. Apologize to her. Let her know you did not mean to offend her family. Let her know you're sorry your God daughter cannot walk in your wedding. Unfortunately you don't want to make any exceptions because if you make an exception for one, you'll have to make exceptions for others. Hopefully she will understand. But if she still do not want to go come to the wedding, just tell her you understand where she's coming from and leave it at that.

I would still send her an invitation. Be sure to specified no kids are allowed at the wedding on all invitations.

ETA: After reading a few more responses from you, I just want to add at this point it's not about who is right who is wrong. You have the right not to want kids at your wedding. If you care about your friendship and want to save it, you will have to be the bigger person. If you lose your friendship with this lady, you are also losing your relationship with your Goddaughter.
 
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Kinkyhairlady said:
Those kids have fathers. When she wants to go out and have fun she has some where to leave them. People's child care is not my problem on
My wedding day. If you can't come that's fine but no need to cuss me out for that.
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In a nutshell. High Five and ^^That right there. :lol:

It's your party and you're writing the check.

Let the church say Amen.
 
If the problem is you not wanting to feed them, can they come to the wedding and not the reception? Everyone is not always invited to the reception and that is more understandable.
 
Now I'm wondering the reaction I'll get from other people. This is crazy. I'm having my cousins son walk but his brother is not invited. My cousin was very understand cause she's had a wedding and been to many. She also said prepare to make enemies. It's crazy how the most joyous moment can turn so stressful. If that friend was truly a friend she would be a bit more understanding. FH said to not let anyone get to me and they are not paying for the wedding. If they don't like it then don't come.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Umm she needs to call me to apologize. I did nothing wrong. When she was raising her voice I said sorry you feel that way but I'm not inviting any kids. She was like well none of us are coming good luck with your wedding!
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I mean, if you don't want to call to apologize then that's fine, I understand. I don't think you did anything wrong either, I only suggested that you apologize because someone has to be the bigger person.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Now I'm wondering the reaction I'll get from other people. This is crazy. I'm having my cousins son walk but his brother is not invited. My cousin was very understand cause she's had a wedding and been to many. She also said prepare to make enemies. It's crazy how the most joyous moment can turn so stressful. If that friend was truly a friend she would be a bit more understanding. FH said to not let anyone get to me and they are not paying for the wedding. If they don't like it then don't come.
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I had a friend who did exactly what you're doing. Her college roommate got mad because her five children weren't invited. She told my friend that if her children weren't welcome then clearly no one in the family was. :look: She didn't speak to my friend for years. Meanwhile, my friend had relatives who were told that the wedding was going to be an adult only event, other than the children that were a part of the ceremony, and no one got upset.
 
Remember that you started this thread because you were conflicted. Maybe look at it this way: You are both wrong or you are both right. One doesn't have to be right and the other wrong. The issue will likely not be that big of a deal for most people because most people do not have a child in your wedding party. So no need to get distressed about everyone else's reaction. If the goddaughter wasn't in the wedding party then neither child would have been invited and none of this would be an issue.

This is an isolated issue tied to the people who will have a child in your wedding party. Your one cousin is fine with it so that's neither here nor there. You hadn't anticipated this problem and are upset which is understandable. I think you need to take some time to think about this and make a final decision that you can live with for years after the wedding is over. Not wanting children in general is not the problem here IMO. That is your choice.

If you really love your friend and she loves you, I think you two can figure something out. Good luck and be happy. But remember, the wedding really isn't just about you and your fh. Perhaps getting married is, but the wedding is about more than that otherwise you and he would just elope and not need a celebration, a wedding party or anything. Weddings, like life, can be complicated but not impossible to manage.
 
Man, this is dumb :lol:

You're saying you can't invite the siblings of the flower girl because no kids are allowed at the wedding who aren't in the party....and you'd have to make an exception for everyone else's kids, too. Well, why don't you make a further exception: siblings of children who are in the wedding party can attend. That exception doesn't extend to everyone's kids. Voila!

So, what are the kids who are in the wedding party supposed to do after their role is over? Leave? Lol
 
True cause one minute it's "but that's the rule!" Then because it's her wedding, "I make the rules!" So make a new rule lol.
 
People never know the types of things they can do to make children feel left out or hurt. For example, I have 2 nieces that are just 1 and 3 years younger than me, so they are like little sisters to me. When I was bout 6, one of my older cousins wanted to the youngest one (who was 3 at the time) and take professional pictures with her. It hurt very much to see everyone fawn over the youngest one and see her get dressed up and leave for the photoshoot while us other two stayed behind. So I can see why your friend would be upset.
 
I completely understand not wanting children at your wedding. But knowing that I didn't want children, I wouldn't have had a flower girl in the wedding party.

I don't really understand the, all my children must be there or none of them will be there stance because it seems like siblings usually have activities that they do solo without their brothers and sisters, but maybe that's no longer the case.
 
qchelle said:
Man, this is dumb :lol: You're saying you can't invite the siblings of the flower girl because no kids are allowed at the wedding who aren't in the party....and you'd have to make an exception for everyone else's kids, too. Well, why don't you make a further exception: siblings of children who are in the wedding party can attend. That exception doesn't extend to everyone's kids. Voila! So, what are the kids who are in the wedding party supposed to do after their role is over? Leave? Lol
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Thank you! Great post! Succinct and straight to the point.
 
curlicarib said:
This is dead wrong. Weddings aren't for the bride and groom. They are for the family and friends, basically for your "village". And this way of selfishly thinking it's all about "ME" is one of the reasons why they become so stressful.

After YOUR big day, you are going to have to live with what remains of your friends and family - those who haven't been descimated on your walk down the aisle, that is. If things are getting this heated a year out, I hope there'll be some friends and family left the day after the "big" day.
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Agreed. Anyone who wants to be selfish on their wedding day shouldn't have a wedding. Just go somewhere and elope... after all, it is "your day" and you're the only one that matters. What do you need people there for?

I also feel that a lot of people who think like this are waaaay too obsessed with one day. Life goes on after your wedding day and a lot of people tend to forget about that. That is, until they return to tumble weeds after their honeymoon.
 
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I've decided to cut out the flower girl part so my God son is not walking now either. Though my cousin hba was ok with leaving one home I just don't want to deal with all of this. The ring bearer will be the only kid. As for my friend I'm not talking to her unless she apologizes for speaking to me in such an angry tone. I think she's pissed for something else cause she's way to upset over this. For just two kids wow.
 
Also each kid is $25 for their plate. I'm trying to save cost as well. I had to cut about 35 kids and it's saving me $$$. She don't get that. If I make an exception for her then I have to for all my cousins.
 
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