You are NOT a princess.

[Ramya]

I googled Dr. Tara J. Palmatier b/c I'm at work with nothing else to do... and a lot of her articles are basically woman bashing like "Is your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?", "The Real Reason your Wife Doesn’t Want to Work", "Betrayal Trauma: Do You Have Relationship PTSD from your Wife or Girlfriend?", and "Why Your Wife’s Excuses for Not Working Are Lame."

Some of those other articles made me like hmmm ... I can't say that I agree with those b/c a lot of these men arent victims either and they play this "victim" role very well too.

See that's the vibe I got from that article. And it kind of plays into that old stereotype that women are inherently financial inept golddiggers and the poor hard working unsuspecting men are the victims.

 

[Zaynab]

I totally understand your perspective.
Very nicely stated.

I guess I will disagree because it makes it appear as though children asked to be here.
Mostly (even with 'accidental' pregnancies) children are planned.
This means being able to asses if your marriage/rel can withstand them
Yes, your marriage should be a priority (note emphasis on marriage, not rel)
But, your children should be too.
No one should take precedence OVER the other.
I can't think of ONE instance where a spouse should be prioritized over children.
I'm going blank here.

Care you help me out?

Trust, no marriage can withstand the change in dynamic that children bring It's a wonderful addition to a marriage but even the best marriages change. It's a natural and unconcious disconnect that happens yet one that alot of women don't know how to accept. Honestly you're both so happy about the baby, most couples just let it happen Is it any wonder that many marriages go south in the two years after a child is born?

A child is a dependent so obviously he/she should be cared for but putting the marriage first as a priority doesn't mean letting your husband mistreat the child or ignoring feeding the child dinner or over letting your spouse eat first--it's a much deeper emotional connection that must be nurtured. When you add children in a marriage, you go from talking any and everything to "the baby or the kids" I know b/c I"ve been guilty of it too.

But you still have to make special time for your spouse, take trips, go out alone, spend nights away from home and go out on 'dates'and not talk about the 'kids'. I know some moms that pride themselves on never having got a babysitter for their young children but the best therapists will tell you how unhealthy it is on a marriage.

 

[deltagyrl]

I feel some kinda way about that list. She sounds bitter to me.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

YES! I! AM!!!

j/k

 

[MD_Lady]

And to me, that's the difference. If there was a joint decision made at the point of the woman leaving the workforce that a disruption to the marriage would incur a financial burden on his part, I'm cool.
But to be cool with not working, and then when the divorce comes demand alimony to keep yourself in the 'standards' you had grown accustomed to? That, even as a woman, I canna agree with.

I had to thank you again for this post. I couldn't have said it better myself and I agree with every word.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Trust, no marriage can withstand the change in dynamic that children bring It's a wonderful addition to a marriage but even the best marriages change. It's a natural and unconcious disconnect that happens yet one that alot of women don't know how to accept. Honestly you're both so happy about the baby, most couples just let it happen Is it any wonder that many marriages go south in the two years after a child is born?

A child is a dependent so obviously he/she should be cared for but putting the marriage first as a priority doesn't mean letting your husband mistreat the child or ignoring feeding the child dinner or over letting your spouse eat first--it's a much deeper emotional connection that must be nurtured. When you add children in a marriage, you go from talking any and everything to "the baby or the kids" I know b/c I"ve been guilty of it too.

But you still have to make special time for your spouse, take trips, go out alone, spend nights away from home and go out on 'dates'and not talk about the 'kids'. I know some moms that pride themselves on never having got a babysitter for their young children but the best therapists will tell you how unhealthy it is on a marriage.

I don't think ATTENTION to your marriage is the same thing as PRIORITIZING your marriage over your children.
I believe that dates, trips, etc is ATTENTION to the marriage.
Prioritizing includes putting one OVER the other.
That would also include someone making a sacrifice
I don't believe going on dates, trips, etc has to imply any sacrifice.
maybe it's me, but it's more so a requisite of marriage, rather than something that should be put on a checklist.

I also understand that the addition of children changes the dynamics of a marriage.

 

[MD_Lady]

I googled Dr. Tara J. Palmatier b/c I'm at work with nothing else to do... and a lot of her articles are basically woman bashing like "Is your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?", "The Real Reason your Wife Doesn’t Want to Work", "Betrayal Trauma: Do You Have Relationship PTSD from your Wife or Girlfriend?", and "Why Your Wife’s Excuses for Not Working Are Lame."...

I'm going to have to Google her when I get home because I'm curious to read what she says in the bolded articles.

 

[Ramya]

I'm going to have to Google her when I get home because I'm curious to read what she says in the bolded articles.

She is a mess. Her blog is geared toward men who have cycles of bad relationships. Her articles tend to coddle men, blame women and as anti-narcissist as she claims to be, I think she gets some kick out of demoting other women.

 

[MD_Lady]

She is a mess. Her blog is geared toward men who have cycles of bad relationships. Her articles tend to coddle men, blame women and as anti-narcissist as she claims to be, I think she gets some kick out of demoting other women.

That's what I was wondering. I don't agree with holding people to different standards, but pointing out a woman's share of the blame =/= blaming her for everything that goes wrong in a relationhship.

 

[ladysaraii]

But see - I do understand where she is coming from. Children are only in the house for a few fleeting years - and if you 'ignore' your relationship - or don't consciously prioritize it - it WILL be neglected. Quite simply, children require more care and attention than adults do, and it's easy to slip into a state of focusing mainly on the children - and each other only gets whatever energy/attention is left over. Once those children are gone - it's harder to get back into the vibe of strengthening/reaffirming your relationship with each other, ya know?

I don't think that's healthy in a marriage, at all. So - I think that your hubby should be your top priority - but your childrens needs - simply because of the time and maturity and patience factor involved - usually will come first.

ITA. Shoot, even my momma told us "Your daddy and I were married long before you came along" lol

I didn't take it as neglecting your children. I took it as, women, don't neglect your spouse when the kids come. Also (as a non married person) I feel that your marriage is the primary bond and the stronger it is, the better you will be able to parent and care for your kids.

sidenote: all of this for healthy bonds. this is not a justification for proecting abusers and molestors and sometimes that's how it's interpreted.

If it's between helping out at your child's school christmas party vs. going to your DH's work christmas party. DH should pull rank....... stuff like that is what I'm thinking of.



And I think that's the critical difference - he's okay with it. I sign DH's name on a regular too - but it's not to do something semi-shady behind his back, like run-up a credit card bill like homegirl in BigLove.

Nicky was the first person to pop in my mind when I read that!! SHe's a mess

 

[NOEChic]

Oh, okay.
Here goes the social worker getting all anal (joke about myself)

Please don't stone me but...
Anyway, I also don't agree with putting a BOYFRIEND over a child.
Just doesn't reason with me.
I also side-eye a woman who puts her husband (who is not her children's father) over her kids.
Nothing screams 'I'm desperate for a man' than a woman who will neglect her children's needs for those of her man's (BF)

i was in agreement with everything till i hit that. I was likescratchch she on other stuff

 

[NOEChic]

If it's between helping out at your child's school christmas party vs. going to your DH's work christmas party. DH should pull rank....... stuff like that is what I'm thinking of.

imma help at my child's christmas party...my hubby will get over it, my child might not...and hubby should understand OUR child has a christmas party, you can come the party with me or you can go to your christmas party alone....most child's parties dont last that long and are not at night...we can probably still make it to his shing ding

 

[barbiesocialite]

I am highly suspicious of the intent of whoever wrote this because it sounds like some of the "women ain't ish" propaganda that I've seen on youtube.

There is such a tone of "don't go thinking too highly of yourself" about almost each of the points that it's hard for me to co-sign much of what is written.

ITA.

whoever wrote this can shove it where the sun doesnt shine

 

[barbiesocialite]

this should have been posted in the feminism thread... this b*sh right here is a certified misogynist.

 

[nappystorm]

Sighs.......

 

[Filmatic]

They can keep that. This whole thing sound to angry and too against women. Men know from the door what I expect. If they don't like it, they know where to go. No need to get all angry about it and write websites about it later. Cause I know good and well men are always talking about they want to be treat like kings

 

[msbettyboop]

Well I agree with a lot of what she said but her approach seems needlessly viscous. It almost sounds like she has it in for women.

Also regarding point 1, I don't agree. I’m a princess and I’m a princess because my SO says so !

 

[MD_Lady]

I am highly suspicious of the intent of whoever wrote this because it sounds like some of the "women ain't ish" propaganda that I've seen on youtube.

There is such a tone of "don't go thinking too highly of yourself" about almost each of the points that it's hard for me to co-sign much of what is written.

See, I didn't have too much of an issue with this blog (but to be fair, I don't believe in catering to the male ego- being courteous, tactful, and respectful, yes, but "catering" to his ego, no- and I when men talk about "being the man" 24/7), but her blog "Why Your Wife’s Excuses for Not Working Are Lame" rubbed me all the wrong way. While she chastizes women in this blog for being selfish and automatically disregarding their husband's P.O.V. because they disagree, it's apparently okay for a man to do this toward his wife (according to the "excuses" blog). :scratchch Call me crazy, but I thought childrearing was supposed to be shared responsibility where both parents contributed to the decision process? Oh well, I guess Dr. Palmatier primarily favors democracy in relationships when it favors the husband's P.O.V. *shrug*

 

[ambergirl]

a whole lot of

Yet another version of woman bashing that's been popping up on the board on the regular. Women and men should both behave like caring, responsible adults in relationships. This sounds like rant.

 

[MarcustheWu]

I did not read this whole thread, so I apologize if someone has said this.

'Diss mess right here....I am sick of this. There are so many forces that check and critic women's expectations for relationships. We are criticized, analyzed, look down upon, etc. etc. for our expectations and "entitlement issues." When men are allowed to whine, moan, have standards based on attraction (you do not want a short man!?!?! Heavens to betsy!), entitlement issues up the wazoo(ie "Nice guys" with nothing to offer but bitterness and "nice"), and people generally accept it.

This is not about trying to help relationships or families. 'Diss mess right here (the list and the cultural forces behind it) are about keeping women from being too uppity, to keep us in our place.

 

[newbiemom]

I agree with almost everything. My only exception is not putting your children first above your bf and dh. You make a concious decision to stay with your mate just as she indicates you can terminate this relationship with no responsibilities to each other however that is not so with parent and child. Your child is your responsibility until 18 years legally. If you don't clean up or cook for your husband the worse can happen is he leaves. If you don't care for your children it is punishable with jail time because it may constitute abuse and they can be removed from your care. I think she is trying to make women understand that if the only glue that is keeping you together is the kids what is left when the kids eventually(ideally) leave and make a life of their own. I completely agree with the idea that the foundation of the family is the parents so if that is rocky the family will most likely fail.

 

[MusicandWine]

Well my fiance saw the title of this thread and told me I was a princess. So I guess that means all the crap she's talking about means nothing here.

I only wonder what kind of relationship she has. I'm sure with lists like these she must remember to keep herself in check at all times.

 

[kcolbert]

I am not a princess, I don't profess to being a princess, and never had dreamed of being a princess. My two daughters ages 4 and 11 are not being raised to be princess. I do agree with her points. In reference to putting your spouse first, not BF, I agree, to an extent. I don't take it to mean I feed him first or attend his events and not the children's. We make our relationship a priority. Our children will leave the home one day, and we don't wake up one day next to a total stranger. Our children are first in all we do, to cooking meals they like, rushing home from work to ensure they make it to an event on time, going out side to play when your dead tired, etc. We pour our all into them, but we also know that before the girls, there was us, and we have to keep that flame burning also. I don't think she is anti-women, because I know quite a few women like the ones she is describing.

 

[PatTodd]

No. I'm a QUEEN!

not j/k!!!

 

[-Kąditty-]

I definitely agree with this list. Wholeheartedly.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Uh, "Tara" is usually a woman's name, isn't it?

LOL!!!! OOooops!! Guess I'm extra-sensitive. I didn't even check the author of the article. The way "she" was talking, it just seemed like it came from a male and not a female. No offense.... I mean, "she" seemed to know exactly what men were thinking and how they view women!! Hmm... :scratchch


ooopss... my bad!

 

[JustKiya]

I don't think she is anti-women, because I know quite a few women like the ones she is describing.

As do I. And even she said - this list does not apply to all women. Being a psychiatrist for men, I assume she runs across the most extreme/farked up versions of womanhood running the globe who are co-creators of the bullisht relationships they are in.

LOL!!!! OOooops!! Guess I'm extra-sensitive. I didn't even check the author of the article. The way "she" was talking, it just seemed like it came from a male and not a female. No offense.... I mean, "she" seemed to know exactly what men were thinking and how they view women!! Hmm...


ooopss... my bad!

She's their psychiatrist! Her practice focuses on men and mens issues. If anyone knows the inner depths of what men are really thinking, it would be their shrink.

 

[Bachelorette]

Ive never taken women who go around claiming to be "princess/queen/diva/goddess" seriously anyway.

I agree with majority of the article.

 

[anon123]

For those who think it's anti-woman, can you pull out an example from the OP that you feel is anti-woman and explain why?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

As do I. And even she said - this list does not apply to all women. Being a psychiatrist for men, I assume she runs across the most extreme/farked up versions of womanhood running the globe who are co-creators of the bullisht relationships they are in.



She's their psychiatrist! Her practice focuses on men and mens issues. If anyone knows the inner depths of what men are really thinking, it would be their shrink.

Ooops...didn't know that either. I just read it thinking it was some blog.