Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marriage?

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I feel really bad even asking this but I just wanted to see if anyone could offer some advice. Ok, recently I been dating a guy. He's really nice, educated, attractive, respectful, ambitious etc. We're both looking to meet someone and settle down marry at some point in the future, so we were both dating with a view to finding out if there might be potential for something serious in the future. We went on a date this week and he sat me down and told me that he has a hereditary genetic condition that most of his family has. It can seriously affect an individuals life and can be unsightly and painful. He's pretty sure if he has children they'll have the condition as he has a dominant gene. The condition affects his hair, sweat glands and teeth but he's had them worked on, but most kids born with the condition have to have cosmetic work done, from as young as the age of two. What he told me completely knocked me for six. My family is really healthy and we have no medical conditions that I know of. He told me he would understand if I wanted to 're-evaluate things' after him telling me. He's told me a lot of other personal things about his upbringing and stuff but said that things were going so well that he didn't want to tell me until now because he was scared. At the moment I'm kind of confused. He's a great guy and we click on every level. I just don't know how I feel. Am i being shallow even thinking about this? I'm very open minded but I never anticipated that my future children might have a serious genetic condition.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

Question: is this illness like sickle cell where both parties usually have to have the gene in order to have a child with sickle cell? If so you can go to a genetic counselor who can tell you the odds that you will have a child with that illness. My pastor and his wife found out that they had a 1 in 4 chance of having a child with sickle cell. One daughter had it and the other didn't.


If it is pretty certain that you'd have a child with the illness, be honest with yourself. Is this something that's going to hang like a dark cloud over your relationship? If so, it will hinder the needed intimacy that needs to develop for you to enter into marriage. It won't be fair to you or to him because if you have a child with that illness then you might end up resenting or secretly blaming him. That's is not good At least you found out before you already started picking out wedding rings. Believe it or not some people wait until then to drop such a bombshell.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

Apparently even people with recessive genes can show quite a few of the symptoms, but I'm no sure if you both need to have a gene for it to show up. I wish I could remember the name of the condition. He told me at the time but it's very rare.

Ever since he told me it's been on my mind, so if we did continue moving forward I don't know if I could forget about it. I would be worried if we did get married and I got pregnant. I'm really glad he told me and it's a brave thing for him to do. But I really wouldn't want my children to have this condition. He said he suffered for years with his self esteem because of it and he's had so many operations.

 

[ThickHair]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

The thing about gene's is that there are no 100 guarantees. If this is something that is going to work on you, let him go. Otherwise he seems to be a good catch.

 

[Honi]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

You know animals instinctively know when a mate is unsuitable and keep it moving.

All kidding aside if it goes in that direction you should consider genetic counseling. Truth be told I couldn't do it.

 

[Dak]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

How attached is he in having his "own" kids? Is he open to using donor or adoption? Having a vasectomy? If not, I would have to move on.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I would not date him. I'm happy that he told you though.

 

[FlowerHair]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

If you are okay with adoption, perhaps you can continue dating him?
I wouldn't knowingly afflict my children with a medical condition.

 

[kblc06]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

No, I would not . Part of my responsibility as a future parent is to get my child the best quality of life possible. Why procreate with someone when you know it will jeopardize that? Controversial as it may be, that is JMO.

I feel really bad even asking this but I just wanted to see if anyone could offer some advice. Ok, recently I been dating a guy. He's really nice, educated, attractive, respectful, ambitious etc. We're both looking to meet someone and settle down marry at some point in the future, so we were both dating with a view to finding out if there might be potential for something serious in the future. We went on a date this week and he sat me down and told me that he has a hereditary genetic condition that most of his family has. It can seriously affect an individuals life and can be unsightly and painful. He's pretty sure if he has children they'll have the condition as he has a dominant gene. The condition affects his hair, sweat glands and teeth but he's had them worked on, but most kids born with the condition have to have cosmetic work done, from as young as the age of two. What he told me completely knocked me for six. My family is really healthy and we have no medical conditions that I know of. He told me he would understand if I wanted to 're-evaluate things' after him telling me. He's told me a lot of other personal things about his upbringing and stuff but said that things were going so well that he didn't want to tell me until now because he was scared. At the moment I'm kind of confused. He's a great guy and we click on every level. I just don't know how I feel. Am i being shallow even thinking about this? I'm very open minded but I never anticipated that my future children might have a serious genetic condition.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

He seems like a very considerate man, and I'm happy he told you now instead of later.

Is the condition hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia or ectodermal dysplasia?

I think you should find out more about the condition, treatment, prognosis, and genetic testing before you make a decision.

ETA: I forgot to answer the question. No, I would not.

 

[Goombay_Summer]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water! Like others have mentioned there are many options available to couples such as genetic testing & counselling, IVF, and adoption. He sound like a real stand up guy it's a pity that this one issue may cloud your perception of him. I hope that he finds someone who is willing to accept all of him even if it means the good, the bad, and the plain ugly.

 

[seraphinelle]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

No. I would not.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

How attached is he in having his "own" kids? Is he open to using donor or adoption? Having a vasectomy? If not, I would have to move on.

He really wants his own kids because his parents were pretty awful. He wants to do a better job then they did. I'm not sure if he'd use a donor, he said he would adopt but after he had his own biological kids. I don't think he'd agree to a vasectomy.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

He seems like a very considerate man, and I'm happy he told you now instead of later.

Is the condition hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia or ectodermal dysplasia?

I think you should find out more about the condition, treatment, prognosis, and genetic testing before you make a decision.

ETA: I forgot to answer the question. No, I would not.

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's it! I know a little but most of what I know is what he told me. It's not life threatening I think but it can be very unpleasant for the person that has it.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

He seems like a very considerate man, and I'm happy he told you now instead of later.

Is the condition hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia or ectodermal dysplasia?

I think you should find out more about the condition, treatment, prognosis, and genetic testing before you make a decision.

ETA: I forgot to answer the question. No, I would not.

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's it! I know a little but most of what I know is what he told me.

If you're sure that's the right condition, you might Google it.

It's not life threatening I think but it can be very unpleasant for the person that has it.

^^Yes.

Have you met other members of his family? Just curious.

 

[runwaydream]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

im not trying to judge but i dont see why this is even in question. why would you knowingly inflict this on your child. it seems a bit selfish if you ask me. just bc you want him they should suffer? i'm glad you're at least taking a step back to think about this. dont do it! hurry up and move on from him so you can find someone else and get over him. cause this really seems like an all around bad idea.

 

[Misseyl]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I just went and looked up his condition "hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia", it's not pretty. I would definitely brake it off especially if I want to have kids. Nope, he might be all that but you have to think of the future.

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

If you're sure that's the right condition, you might Google it.

^^Yes.

Have you met other members of his family? Just curious.

His parents are dead. He has three sisters, I've met one. She was ok, a little standoffish but I think that's just her. The condition affects their teeth, skin, hair, sweat glands and nails, but it's not immediately obvious from looking.

I just spoke to him - that is the condition.

 

[runwaydream]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

^^^ omg! i just saw the pix of ppl who have this disorder. pls dont do that to your future children! i actually dont get why he would want to do something like that. i mean i know he wants his own kids and all, but still...

 

[caltron]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I would get more information about the condition instead of just going off on what you see on Google. A lot of times, those are the worst case scenarios. After all, you had no idea that he had this condition before he told you. It could be there is a range of seriousness associated with this disease. If this is as good of a man as you say he is, I wouldn't just toss him off lightly.

I mean, if it's something you know in your heart you can't deal with, then you shouldn't feel guilty for letting him go. However, I'd also take into consideration that every one wants someone who is going to stick by them through thick and thin. A shockingly substantial percentage of people get a divorce when they find out their partners have a terminal illness.

I guess this is a gut check "golden rule" question of whether you'd understand if your husband bounced if you were the one that had the medical condition and is that the kind of relationship you'd be satisfied with?

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I think on Google the cases they display are pretty bad ones. The condition doesn't affect him as badly, his hair is very thin and grows really quickly, so he shaves his head completely bald. He had his teeth fixed as teenager. His skin is really warm because his sweat glands don't work too well and his nails are brittle. If he didn't mention it no one would have any idea.

Thanks caltron, I didn't think of that. If a guy dumped me when he found out I had a medical condition I would not be impressed. It's just been a real surprise. When dating I'm usually thinking about whether or not a guy is cheating, has kids, is crazy, has a job or an education etc. It never even occured to me that I could meet someone great who might have a medical condition.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

Oh wow....yeah...now that I know which disorder it is, I don't think i could do it. I just don't think so.... I know that sounds insensitive, but I don't think I could.

 

[Briabiggles]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I couldn't do it. Especially after googling the condition. At least he told you now. He may be a nice, stand-up guy but you have to look out for your future and your children's future. If that's what you want for them then go ahead.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I would get more information about the condition instead of just going off on what you see on Google. A lot of times, those are the worst case scenarios. After all, you had no idea that he had this condition before he told you. It could be there is a range of seriousness associated with this disease. If this is as good of a man as you say he is, I wouldn't just toss him off lightly.

I mean, if it's something you know in your heart you can't deal with, then you shouldn't feel guilty for letting him go. However, I'd also take into consideration that every one wants someone who is going to stick by them through thick and thin. A shockingly substantial percentage of people get a divorce when they find out their partners have a terminal illness.

I guess this is a gut check "golden rule" question of whether you'd understand if your husband bounced if you were the one that had the medical condition and is that the kind of relationship you'd be satisfied with?

I completely agree with the first bolded. Google can be as sensationalistic as any tabloid. That said, when you're weighing out any risks, don't you always take into consideration the worst case scenario? That's why I asked about whether OP had met any of his family. I'm sure there are degrees of severity. It might be helpful to know what a reasonable expectations would be for future children. I think she should look into that.

As for the second bolded, I don't think that's a fair comparison, actually. We're not talking about whether the man's health would be a burden. We're talking about his propensity to father children whose health would be a burden to them. Whether he's a good mate and whether his genes should be reproduced are two different discussions, IMO. If OP and her beau are willing to consider other options for having children (and of course, if the beau is right for her in all other areas), it would be a non-issue, IMO.

BTW, people who want to be parents adopt all the time for reasons less concrete than a diagnosed genetic disorder. I understand his desire to be a father, but I'm curious as to why he would want to have bio children given the likelihood of them getting this disorder.

 

[runwaydream]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I would get more information about the condition instead of just going off on what you see on Google. A lot of times, those are the worst case scenarios. After all, you had no idea that he had this condition before he told you. It could be there is a range of seriousness associated with this disease. If this is as good of a man as you say he is, I wouldn't just toss him off lightly.

I mean, if it's something you know in your heart you can't deal with, then you shouldn't feel guilty for letting him go. However, I'd also take into consideration that every one wants someone who is going to stick by them through thick and thin. A shockingly substantial percentage of people get a divorce when they find out their partners have a terminal illness.

I guess this is a gut check "golden rule" question of whether you'd understand if your husband bounced if you were the one that had the medical condition and is that the kind of relationship you'd be satisfied with?

apples and oranges

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I could not do it. If he wanted to adopt then fine. As a parent why would you knowingly have a child and your child could have the same illness you struggle with.

 

[TayMac]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

As a general rule..no.

It depends on the severity of the disability/disfigurement and the potential cost for care and correction. Healthy children are expensive enough.

 

[caltron]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I completely agree with the first bolded. Google can be as sensationalistic as any tabloid. That said, when you're weighing out any risks, don't you always take into consideration the worst case scenario? That's why I asked about whether OP had met any of his family. I'm sure there are degrees of severity. It might be helpful to know what a reasonable expectations would be for future children. I think she should look into that.

As for the second bolded, I don't think that's a fair comparison, actually. We're not talking about whether the man's health would be a burden. We're talking about his propensity to father children whose health would be a burden to them. Whether he's a good mate and whether his genes should be reproduced are two different discussions, IMO. If OP and her beau are willing to consider other options for having children (and of course, if the beau is right for her in all other areas), it would be a non-issue, IMO.

BTW, people who want to be parents adopt all the time for reasons less concrete than a diagnosed genetic disorder. I understand his desire to be a father, but I'm curious as to why he would want to have bio children given the likelihood of them getting this disorder.

Maybe he knows that a person can live with this condition and still have a happy full life. I'm sure there are many other people living with the condition who are happy they are here on earth. I'm very uncomfortable when talk switches to who should get to reproduce and who shouldn't. You could say the same thing about people who are short, fat, have mental disorders, etc. It's very subjective.

 

[caltron]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

apples and oranges

I disagree with you that it's apples and oranges. Some people get their "for worse" at the beginning of a relationship. The only difference is the timing. I will give you that sometimes when you find out shortly after you meet someone, it prevents you from getting to know that person and falling in love with them. That's the only difference I see.

For instance, A good friend of mine from college was diagnosed with a very rare, severe and debilitating medical disorder shortly after she became engaged to be married. She was a model type and had won beauty pageants and was facing a future where she was in a few years going to physically disfigured and unable to have children. Her fiance stuck by her and married her anyway and they are still happily married now. Her disease went into remission shortly after they were married and they were able to have a child before the disease returned and she became totally disabled.

The uncomfortable question is, if that happened to you, would your spouse stick by you in the same way? Would you stick by your spouse or SO under the same circumstances? Would you rather be with the person that's going to stick by you, or the person that's going to bounce? What does that say about the quality of your love?

 

[sunnieb]

Re: Would you date someone with a hereditary genetic condition with a view to a marri

I wouldn't do it. Hopefully he disclosed this before you are so head over heels in love and you feel like you don't have a choice.

This is what the dating stage is for - weeding out the good, the bad, and the ugly before feelings get all tied up in the relationship. If you can live with it, go for it. If you are having doubts, which I think you are, let him go.