Why is it so difficult for two people to live together?

[Maracujá]

I did a search for a similar thread but didn't find one, so I decided to start my own. I've been thinking about starting this thread for a few days now and the following three incidents made me decide to do it:

1) I was talking to a co-worker of mine today, he's a white male in his mid thirties I believe, he said that he has shacked FOUR times with four different girls in his life and that it has never worked out. He's currently in a relationship and if all goes well they're thinking about shacking two years from now. He asked me if I had an SO and when I told him no his eyes lit up, he said that sometimes it's best.

2) Another co-worker of mine, biracial in her early twenties is currently pregnant and living with her boyfriend (who is black). Her boyfriend refuses to get a job so she basically supports him. When she heard I was single and living by myself she said she wish she had done the same.

Now I know how y'all ladies feel about people who shack, so here's another story:

3) This co-worker of mine is the sister of the girl in story number 2, she is biracial and in her early thirties. She got married in 2009 and divorced in 2010 (her ex-husband is white). She basically had the same problem as her sister except that she didn't put up with it: her hubby is a DJ and refused to get a real job, they had just purchased a home together that needed a total makeover and she was the only one working and bringing in loot, she decided enough was enough.

So ladies what are your thoughts on this? Why is it so difficult for two people to live together? I look at my life right now and think: this is how I want to live even when I'll have an SO, I like this peace and serenity that I have created in my home...

 

[diadall]

I have never lived with anyone so I know my opinion will be taken with a grain of salt.

1. I think sometimes people live alone for so long that they have a certain way of doing things and when they become cohabitants they see that everyone doesn't live like they do.

2. When people move at first they are on their best behavior, then they start to revert to who they really are and start to take it out on each other because they don't feel appreciated.

3. People don't have a conversation about what it means to live together. Who will pay what bills? Who will grocery shop, clean, what happens if my hours get cut, will we combine money, how will we pay for entertainment?

Also, living with someone will bring out the worst in you and the best in you. Its how you deal with it that will determine if living together, marriage or any relationship will work.

 

[qchelle]

I agree with diadall.

But the women in your OP don't sound like they were in the best situations anyway. The 2 women...are stupid for solely supporting their men when they knew they didn't want to. One even got married to one knowing she would have to support his non-working self? lol ok. These situations will make you resent someone! That's why that didn't work out...IMO.

 

[Mai Tai]

I think the examples that you listed above are not necessarily issues specific to living with another person, but issues stemming from extremely dysfunctional relationships as a whole. These people sound like they would have problems period...despite their living situation.

I can only speak of why it is diffucult from a healthy, functional standpoint by saying that when living with another person many people do not realize that things will never go smoothly 100% of the time. When you move in with someone, you are joining lives with a person that had a life, a personality, and a set of habits before you even met. That in itself makes living together difficult. You are forming a team which creates bumps in the road.

Living together is difficult because it is harder to leave when you have arguments. When you have your own place and you and your SO are fighting, you can always go home or run away. You can avoid that person for however long you want to. When you live together, you still have to see their face even when you are angry at them.

Living together is difficult because paying bills, and maintaining a household together brings the "reality of life" into your relationship. It's kind of hard to remain in fantasy land when rent is due. The actual financial planning that goes into a sucessful cohabitation is usually not fun, and really opens your eyes.

 

[Spiffy]

Because it takes some relationships to levels they weren't meant to go.

I also like the point of people not having the discussion of how things will function when they actually live together. Then too, if more people had those exchanges they'd realize shacking isn't for them because it sounds too much like a marriage.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I have never lived with anyone so I know my opinion will be taken with a grain of salt.

1. I think sometimes people live alone for so long that they have a certain way of doing things and when they become cohabitants they see that everyone doesn't live like they do.

2. When people move at first they are on their best behavior, then they start to revert to who they really are and start to take it out on each other because they don't feel appreciated.

3. People don't have a conversation about what it means to live together. Who will pay what bills? Who will grocery shop, clean, what happens if my hours get cut, will we combine money, how will we pay for entertainment?

Also, living with someone will bring out the worst in you and the best in you. Its how you deal with it that will determine if living together, marriage or any relationship will work.

I co-sign everything in here including the grain of salt as I haven't lived with anyone...but I wanted to add to that that I don't think it didn't work out because of "living together" in the sense that OP described it.

Meaning you didn't say she hated his cigars, and he hated the way she's so messy.

OP basically pointed out three situations where everyone had problems with the relationship in general and then just moved in together.

Meaning of course you're going to have problems if the guy you are living with isn't pulling his end of the bargain.

Or of course a guy who doesn't commit is going to talk about relationships as if the cause is something other than: him or his choice in women.
Because come on how many times has he shacked up but no ring. RIiiiiiight it's living together that causes it, and not him. Pehaps the women left realizing he was never going to marry them, who knows what his real problem is but no where does he mention things that annoy him about living together.

The reason I point this out is to add into #3 There should not only be those conversations but you should be okay with the person in general. If he's sitting on the couch before you shack what makes you think the magic fairy is going to wave her wand and he's going to become an aggressive go getter? You have to either be okay with that type of guy or not, and cut losses before it even gets to moving in (in which ever way that happens...I won't even go into the move in after marriage thing because I realize not everyone does). And this goes to everything from how much weight you think he should pull, and vice versa (what he thinks you should do and if you agree) to little vices. Like in the thread where she had asthma and he was a smoker...uhm recipe for disaster. That couple (if they lived together) wouldn't break up because of living together (as if the idea alone just breaks people up) it would be because they aren't compatible.

That's my speal and I'm sticking to it.

 

[yora88]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 months and I can honestly say that it's not that difficult. The only thing that I don't like about living with someone is the fact that I can't just leave when we have an argument. But other than that, living together has strengthened our relationship. I go to sleep with my best friend and wake up to my best friend.

 

[Syrah]

Because "living together" still means that one can leave.

Marriage is a commitment and depending on how seriously the people involved take that commitment, the ability to leave becomes a lot more difficult.

I think people "shack up" thinking its going to be like a marriage dry-run, when its anything but.

I'm not for shacking up, and thats a whole different thread.

 

[Bun Mistress]

People don't have a conversation about what it means to live together. Who will pay what bills? Who will grocery shop, clean, what happens if my hours get cut, will we combine money, how will we pay for entertainment?

ITA with the above. I think in alot of situations there is a giver person and a taker person. This doesn't just mean financially either. I don't believe in shacking because if you want to see me every morning then I need more of a comitment that "I love you".

I honestly get a little antsy when a man stays over of the night and most of the next day. My question is "Is that werid?"

 

[nappystorm]

I don't think living together is the problem per se, it's the people they are trying to have relationships with. What's up with your co-worker choosing to live with all these girls before marriage? What's up with these chicks choosing these lazy, unemployed men!? Where dey do that at?

 

[imaccami]

I don't see why the women in the OP expected their men to get a job just because they moved in together. Doesn't make much sense to me.

I think that you don't really really really know someone until you live with them. It's a lot easier to be on your best behavior for 3 or 4 dates a week than it is to be that way 24/7. When you live with someone it's hard to keep any aspects of your personality hidden.

 

[BrownieBrie]

Slightly off topic, but how does a man just refuse to get a job? How does that conversation go? I couldn't even imagine working everyday and bringing home money to support a grown man who had no legitimate income.

 

[DarkVictory]

He's currently in a relationship and if all goes well they're thinking about shacking two years from now.

Don't get this timetable, unless one of them is finishing grad school/getting off parole/inheriting something in two years. It's like a committment to a non-committal relationship. No wonder he's had problems.

 

[Carisa]

I think these people need to think about and take a good look at the people their dating/ moving in with. I would never move in with a person who doesn't have a steady job/career because it will always be a possibility of you having to take of them. Also I would see how people lived before I move in with them- if they didn't have a decent job, are messy, have childen ect. nothing will chage and you will have to deal with those situations when you move in with them. But I've never lived with anyone so maybe its more complicated than I think

 

[FlowerHair]

^^^^^Exactly! Why move in with someone who doesn't work??

That's what was wrong to begin with, not the actual living together.

That's a recipe for disaster.