"Why did you go in me raw?" -the other woman

[Innocent_Kiss]

I'm carrying a lot of baggage from my last relationship. My ex cheated on me numerous times. He told me I was insecure for years until I found a text in his phone that read "Why would you go in me raw if you knew you were gona go back to your girl? You always do this to me! I hate you!" I had finally had proof. I left and refused to come back until he was completely honest with me. He then told me he'd cheated on me about 6 times with 4 different women. I was devestated, moreso because he'd convinced me for so long that I had trust issues and I was just insecure. Fast forward to my current relationship. This man is everything I prayed for. I would exceed the character limit if I explained to you how perfect he is for me...BUT there's this phone issue. I'm an open book with him. He freely looks thru my phone, not neccesarily looking for anything, but just browsing. Him, though, we can be lounging in doors and he'll keep his phone in his pocket, or he'll cautiously lay his phone down but he'll lay it face down. WTF who lays a touch screen face down? Once we were out and I asked to use his phone to call my bff, I'd accidentally left mine at home. He called her FOR me and asked her about what I needed. Are you serious? I get so mad because I'm not stupid. My ex and I had these same type of arguments. I've snapped about it and he blames me for making him pay for my ex or he'll ask me the golden question "Why are you so insecure?!?!" I swear I see red when he asks me that! His actions make me so confused though. This man has sat down with my parents and have talked to them about marrying me. He's with me everysingle day almost to the point where I feel smothered! And has a fit when I wana go out lol when I need him he's there. He deals with my emotional wounds and ups/downs. I can go on and on. So what is he hiding from me? How do I deal with this? IDK if this is a red flag or my wounded self engulfed in fear. How should I come to him? If at all? I want your honest thoughts, please!

 

[Distorted Barbie]

Go with your intuition...Usually if you suspect something, it's for a reason.

 

[JFemme]

Callllll-ing Bunny.....







(hugs & good luck to you, OP)

 

[kmn1980]

Words mean little, actions mean everything.

 

[jada1111]

I dunno, I don't like folks using my phone either.

I'm very private. No, you can't go through my emails, texts, voicemails, etc. It's not that I have anything to hide, but I wouldn't ask to go through theirs either. If your cheating, then your cheating. Must be a reason why I'm thinking that way or else I wouldn't be suspecting you of it.

I wouldn't take it as anything. Dude is with you almost everyday, unless there's something else other than him putting the touchscreen down, then I wouldn't trip.

But then again, you know what they say...

 

[caltron]

((((Innocent Kiss)))) I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. This is a tough one. It could be has something to hide...or it could be nothing. Have you noticed any other weird habits? Or does he get a lot of late night calls or texts? What is confusing to me is that he seems to be attached to you at the hip and seems trustworthy other than the phone issue. Maybe he doesn't like have his integrity challenged? Who knows?

I think that ultimately he is going to have to show you what's on his phone because you will not be at peace until he does. He's acting very strange about it and what's worse is the fact that he's dismissing your feelings. Even if he has nothing to hide, the fact that he isn't discussing the issue with you is very troubling. When you're in a relationship with someone, you have to be willing to acknowledge your SO's feelings even if you don't think they're justified.

 

[arosieworld]

I would just ask to see his phone. How he responds should help you gauge this situation. If he asks why just tell him the truth. "I am working on my trust issues and I want to prove to myself I'm crazy and I can trust you. I can trust you right?"

 

[SweetNic_JA]

This makes me suspicious. My FH and I (when on the same continent ) use each other's phone freely. We have eachother's email account , facebook , and phone login credentials.
It took some time for us to get to that point though, but you should suggest it now and start by letting him know his behavior makes you uncomfortable.

 

[southerncitygirl]

run for the hills....something ain't right with his arse....too damn secretive, if your phone is at home why can't you use his and dial the number and who turns a touchscreen over, that's weird! then he thinks its ok to go through yours at any given time....i don't think so!!erplexed

 

[Nayna]

Most people with privacy issues don't invade other folks' privacy. If he can casually peruse your phone you should be able to do the same. Speak to him about it.

ETA just to say that you aren't insecure; just more aware when something isn't right.

 

[lea86111]

honestly i just don't get it. If he doesn't have anything to hide then why trip? To the point of not letting you use his phone for a simple call? Really? Something is not right. Also if you do ask him, do it in person not over the phone otherwise he'll have time to delete delete delete! When you guys are together does he receive calls? Does he let them ring and doesn't pick up? Does he look at the screen with the phone positioned in sich a way that won't let you see the screen? Cause what's the point of turning the phone upside down? It takes a conscious effort to do that, which means there's a reason (usually). I really hope i'm mistaken though

 

[L.Brown1114]

no one shoot me BUT....if this man is perfect for you in every way but him cheating then maybe u should stick it through an just pray hell get over that stage. every man cheat and if the mans not cheating the women prolly is. MOST OF THE TIME NOT ALL. is all this going to matter when your 80 years old and hes right there by your side growing old with you?? wheres that "other women" then?? just make sure u get his last name and half his stuff and make like tiger woods wife if stuff starts getting out of control!!

ETA: thats what *i* would do. im from the old school cuz i feel like if u leave him for cheating then u wind up with a guy who will probably dp the same thing but not as perfect for you. kat williams said it then best. you leave a 90% ***** for a 70% ***** over something all guys do!! the 70% just hides it better!! *joking before the cat fight starts*

on a serious note OP generally if u think a mans cheating he is. womens intuition. i think its good though ur not the type to lie to yourself and see the reality of the situation. what i would do is get it out of his friends cuz hes def not gonna tell u. i always befriend my boyfriends friends cuz tehy give me all the juicy gossip.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I dunno, I don't like folks using my phone either.

I'm very private. No, you can't go through my emails, texts, voicemails, etc. It's not that I have anything to hide, but I wouldn't ask to go through theirs either. If your cheating, then your cheating. Must be a reason why I'm thinking that way or else I wouldn't be suspecting you of it.

I wouldn't take it as anything. Dude is with you almost everyday, unless there's something else other than him putting the touchscreen down, then I wouldn't trip.

But then again, you know what they say...

I would agree with this if he weren't going through her phone on a regular basis.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I used to be the same way. I never had anything to hide and my thinking was "don't ask me to look through my phone, check me emails, texts etc. Its none of your business what's in my stuff. If you trust me why do you need to go through it to ease your mind?" I still feel that way unless I know why somebody needs something in my accounts. I'll freely give DH my PW if he's trying to find some info say a number to somebody that he didn't save or a picture he accidently deleted. BUt like the other ladies say go with your gut (not your insecurities) on this. However I'd say that if he's with you to the point of you feeling borderline smothered when would he really have the time to be doing something shady?

 

[michelle81]

no one shoot me BUT....if this man is perfect for you in every way but him cheating then maybe u should stick it through an just pray hell get over that stage. every man cheat and if the mans not cheating the women prolly is. MOST OF THE TIME NOT ALL. is all this going to matter when your 80 years old and hes right there by your side growing old with you?? wheres that "other women" then?? just make sure u get his last name and half his stuff and make like tiger woods wife if stuff starts getting out of control!!

Surely you're kidding. Right?

 

[KINISE]

When I have relationship issues-- I try to take a step back and ask myself, "How would you want this handled if the situation were reversed."

If I dated someone who went through some serious "trust" issues-- I would not make them feel as though I were hiding anything. When you love someone- you "care" for them. If there are emotional wounds that still need tending to-- you tend to them. His resistence, for whatever reason-- should be your issue. It doesn't matter "WHY" he is exhibiting this behavior--the fact that he feels comfortable with your discomfort is the red flag.

 

[L.Brown1114]

Surely you're kidding. Right?

lol yes i added the kat williams thing so no one would take it seriously and start cat fighting on this thread

 

[DayStar]

RUN FAST .

 

[kmn1980]

lol yes i added the kat williams thing so no one would take it seriously and start cat fighting on this thread

Thank God! You almost got a gif from me

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

How long have you two been together? Is he your fiancee?

I feel that you need to have a serious talk with him and tell you his concerns. If marriage is somewhere in the future for you two, you have to deal with it now and not later.

Has he given you any other indication, other than flipping his phone over when he puts it down, that he might be cheating on you?

If there are certain conditions that you are not willing to put up with in a relationship, let him know. Most men are willing to bend a little in a relationship for the one that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

The one thing that stands out as a red flag for me is the fact that he's turning his phone over. Why is he doing that? The simplest answer is because he doesn't want you to see who is calling/texting him. Now why is that? Also, the fact that he spends nearly every waking moment with you doesn't mean he's not messing around. I've known men with two full time jobs, a wife and three kids that still make time for jumpoffs. I would proceed with caution.

 

[MissJ]

no one shoot me BUT....if this man is perfect for you in every way but him cheating then maybe u should stick it through an just pray hell get over that stage. every man cheat and if the mans not cheating the women prolly is. MOST OF THE TIME NOT ALL. is all this going to matter when your 80 years old and hes right there by your side growing old with you?? wheres that "other women" then?? just make sure u get his last name and half his stuff and make like tiger woods wife if stuff starts getting out of control!!

ETA: thats what *i* would do. im from the old school cuz i feel like if u leave him for cheating then u wind up with a guy who will probably dp the same thing but not as perfect for you. kat williams said it then best. you leave a 90% ***** for a 70% ***** over something all guys do!! the 70% just hides it better!! *joking before the cat fight starts*

on a serious note OP generally if u think a mans cheating he is. womens intuition. i think its good though ur not the type to lie to yourself and see the reality of the situation. what i would do is get it out of his friends cuz hes def not gonna tell u. i always befriend my boyfriends friends cuz tehy give me all the juicy gossip.

twice...

 

[MissJ]

I dunno, I don't like folks using my phone either.

I'm very private. No, you can't go through my emails, texts, voicemails, etc. It's not that I have anything to hide, but I wouldn't ask to go through theirs either. If your cheating, then your cheating. Must be a reason why I'm thinking that way or else I wouldn't be suspecting you of it.

I wouldn't take it as anything. Dude is with you almost everyday, unless there's something else other than him putting the touchscreen down, then I wouldn't trip.

But then again, you know what they say...

A man can be with a woman every day and still cheat. I know from experience. Almost every day does not mean 24 hours a day. He may not be cheating, but his being with her almost every day does not mean he can't be cheating.

 

[dannie]

Hell no!

It dont sound right because it aint right.

Go through his phone when he sleep or something. <<<yes i am serious

Caught my cheating a$$ ex that way. I like you posted about suspicious behavior and was instructed by Ms Portugal to break in his vm, and lo and behold

If you on here posting about it...that's already a bad bad sign. Hope I'm wrong though.

ETA: my ex was always with me too.. I had deja vu when you said "smoother" because thats how I felt. I was so shocked when he was cheating its like...where do these men find the time?

 

[oooop2]

I'm carrying a lot of baggage from my last relationship. My ex cheated on me numerous times. He told me I was insecure for years until I found a text in his phone that read "Why would you go in me raw if you knew you were gona go back to your girl? You always do this to me! I hate you!" I had finally had proof. I left and refused to come back until he was completely honest with me. He then told me he'd cheated on me about 6 times with 4 different women. I was devestated, moreso because he'd convinced me for so long that I had trust issues and I was just insecure. Fast forward to my current relationship. This man is everything I prayed for. I would exceed the character limit if I explained to you how perfect he is for me...BUT there's this phone issue. I'm an open book with him. He freely looks thru my phone, not neccesarily looking for anything, but just browsing. Him, though, we can be lounging in doors and he'll keep his phone in his pocket, or he'll cautiously lay his phone down but he'll lay it face down. WTF who lays a touch screen face down? Once we were out and I asked to use his phone to call my bff, I'd accidentally left mine at home. He called her FOR me and asked her about what I needed. Are you serious? I get so mad because I'm not stupid. My ex and I had these same type of arguments. I've snapped about it and he blames me for making him pay for my ex or he'll ask me the golden question "Why are you so insecure?!?!" I swear I see red when he asks me that! His actions make me so confused though. This man has sat down with my parents and have talked to them about marrying me. He's with me everysingle day almost to the point where I feel smothered! And has a fit when I wana go out lol when I need him he's there. He deals with my emotional wounds and ups/downs. I can go on and on. So what is he hiding from me? How do I deal with this? IDK if this is a red flag or my wounded self engulfed in fear. How should I come to him? If at all? I want your honest thoughts, please!

Not sure if he's cheating, but I am the ONLY one that finds him a bit controlling. The bolded at definitely red flags for me.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Everybody says to trust your intuition but the truth is that baggage from past relationships makes you predisposed to not trust the next guy. So that voice telling you that something isn't right may not be intuition. It could be fear.

Its odd that he has issues with you using his phone but will go through your phone without thinking twice. It could be that he knows you have trust issues and that it will end badly even if there is nothing to hide. (Like you questioning who this person is and why you do talk to them so much.) Also, I can see him not wanting to open the door for more invasive behavior. I'm sorry. I can be as nosy as the next person but I'm not giving anybody the password to my email account, facebook, etc. There have to be some boundaries.

ETA: Honesty really is the best policy. Just ask him about it. "You know I have some trust issues and I find it odd that you never let me see your phone. Why is that? Can I see it now?"

 

[Vshanell]

I'm lol at the phone being flipped over because I do that on a daily basis, even when I'm by myself and I have absolutely no reason behind doing it. I never even thought about it until today lol.

 

[jada1111]

I would agree with this if he weren't going through her phone on a regular basis.

Yeah, in that case she should be allowed to go through his phone.

I don't know why she doesn't bring up this fact and ask to go through HIS.

Like I said before, I don't want anybody going through my stuff, so he wouldn't have to worry about me asking to see his. Everyone deserves to have some sort of privacy to themselves.

 

[Bunny77]

Callllll-ing Bunny.....







(hugs & good luck to you, OP)

Nah, I don't know... I've gone hard on ole' girl before... she might not want me to do it again.

(Or she won't listen like the 7 million other times when she kept getting back with the first dude and posting about it... )

Ah hell, I'll just say it... I bet the guy is either cheating, overly controlling or both. I really think the OP needs to chill out on relationships for a while because even though she finally left the first guy, she jumped rather quickly into the next relationship. I don't know if she truly learned enough lessons from the first relationship to avoid running into the exact.same.thing in this one...

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Bare with me, ladies. My PC is broken so I'm posting from my cell phone. I haven't even read all of the responses, but someone suggested to just stick it out. I tried for 3 years. After he gave me clamydia, I thanked God it wasn't HIV and left his *** for good. I'm not ashamed to tell my story so other women won't go thru what I have. Maybe I'm optimistic or naïve? But I don't believe every man cheats and I refuse to subject myself to that lifestyle again. Trust me, you feel like sh*t when you know your man has slept with someone else and he comes and crawls back in between your legs. That takes a tole on your mind, your emotions and self worth. But I do appreciate you keeping it honest.

Now, for my current boyfriend, I'm so torn. He's obviously hiding something. He does ALL of the things you all asked me about. He'll turn his phone to an angle I can't see, or his phone will randomly be on silent/vibrate/turned down. A couple nights ago he got a text at 4am. My attitude immediately changed and he noticed. I left the room and he came rushing after me and told me it was a FB notification. BULL! The next morning he told me it was his ex and she'd called him a week ago to console in him about her relationship and apologized for how badly she treated him. She asked if they could be friends and he said yeah. He said eversince she's been calling/texting begging for another chance irregards to him telling her that he's happily in a new relationship. He apologized for lying and said he'd block her # asap. This, too, is some bull. I think he's allowed himself to be her confidant and has reignited an emotional connection. Perfect recipe for infedelity.

He'd have a BF if my ex called me and yes he goes thru all of my things but I don't care because I don't have anything to hide. I am so uncomfortable. I've been trying to initiate some type of healing to rid myself of the baggage from my ex. I learned from this website www.innerbonding.com is that I'm loving from what's referred to as my "wounded self" and that I'm responsible for my own feelings. That there's no such thing as you "made" me mad, insecure, hurt etc I thank God for the site because it articulated very deep and complicated emotions I've experienced. At the same time, I'm no fool.