"Why did you go in me raw?" -the other woman

Lots of red flags OP, now that you've expanded on your story.

Perhaps you might need to be by yourself for a while, to work through some issues on your own :yep:
 
Innocent_Kiss said:
Bare with me, ladies. My PC is broken so I'm posting from my cell phone. I haven't even read all of the responses, but someone suggested to just stick it out. I tried for 3 years. After he gave me clamydia, I thanked God it wasn't HIV and left his *** for good. I'm not ashamed to tell my story so other women won't go thru what I have. Maybe I'm optimistic or naïve? But I don't believe every man cheats and I refuse to subject myself to that lifestyle again. Trust me, you feel like sh*t when you know your man has slept with someone else and he comes and crawls back in between your legs. That takes a tole on your mind, your emotions and self worth. But I do appreciate you keeping it honest.

Now, for my current boyfriend, I'm so torn. He's obviously hiding something. He does ALL of the things you all asked me about. He'll turn his phone to an angle I can't see, or his phone will randomly be on silent/vibrate/turned down. A couple nights ago he got a text at 4am. My attitude immediately changed and he noticed. I left the room and he came rushing after me and told me it was a FB notification. BULL! The next morning he told me it was his ex and she'd called him a week ago to console in him about her relationship and apologized for how badly she treated him. She asked if they could be friends and he said yeah. He said eversince she's been calling/texting begging for another chance irregards to him telling her that he's happily in a new relationship. He apologized for lying and said he'd block her # asap. This, too, is some bull. I think he's allowed himself to be her confidant and has reignited an emotional connection. Perfect recipe for infedelity.

He'd have a BF if my ex called me and yes he goes thru all of my things but I don't care because I don't have anything to hide. I am so uncomfortable. I've been trying to initiate some type of healing to rid myself of the baggage from my ex. I learned from this website www.innerbonding.com is that I'm loving from what's referred to as my "wounded self" and that I'm responsible for my own feelings. That there's no such thing as you "made" me mad, insecure, hurt etc I thank God for the site because it articulated very deep and complicated emotions I've experienced. At the same time, I'm no fool.
Click to expand...

Get rid of him. He's cheating on you. Exes cannot be friends, especially if she's begging to get back with him. You KNOW this.

It's one thing not try to bring wounded baggage with you in the next relationship, it's another to put blinders on and act the fool.

Also, for you ladies that let dude go through YOUR things, you better be doing the same damn thing without hesitation. Seriously.

I'm not that nosey. I trust my gut about things. It usually reveals itself eventually.
 
~~HoneyComb~~ said:
Lots of red flags OP, now that you've expanded on your story.

Perhaps you might need to be by yourself for a while, to work through some issues on your own :yep:
Click to expand...


I wholeheartedly agree with the bolded. Take some time and work through your issues. I don't think you're truly ready to be in a relationship right now.
 
I don't like how he feels free to go through ALL your stuff at HIS leisure but wants to keep his phone on lock! I mean seriously on lock, down to silencing that mess and ANGLING IT AWAY FROM YOU?

AND you just mentioned about his EX being back in the picture and doing her sob, sobbing about just breaking up with her man? And wanting him to be a comfort to her? 4am txt messages? A lie concerning his ex? No...just...no. She can be doing the "Damsel in distress that's familiar territory" act but it's up to him to be strong and say "Can't do it."

...considering he's been secretive from the start, I doubt he'll even be willing to...or it's been going on longer than he said...
 
Until you finally resolve whatever old drama you're compelled to repeatedly play out, you will continue to attract the same type of relationship over and over again.

If you keep believing these controlling, sneaky men are "perfect" for you, you need to be alone for a while and recalibrate your view of perfection.
 
p.s. my ex boyfriend hid his phone fro, me too but it was only because he didnt want me to know he dropped out of school and started hustling again. maybe its something deeper/bigger. it doesnt necessarily always evolve a female. maybe hes doing something hes not suppose to and protecting you from getting hurt in the long run or teaching u to trust him
 
Why do you allow him to go through your things? That is unacceptable when he is not allowing you the same. I think anyone rambling through your things is disrespectful. There must be some boundaries..y'all aren't married.

He is preying on your insecurity and your other weaknesses..that's my opinion because when I was dealing with certain issues, I was an easy target for certain kinds of men.
 
DMJ's Mom said:
I used to be the same way. I never had anything to hide and my thinking was "don't ask me to look through my phone, check me emails, texts etc. Its none of your business what's in my stuff. If you trust me why do you need to go through it to ease your mind?" I still feel that way unless I know why somebody needs something in my accounts.
Click to expand...

See, in general I agree with you, but in this case she's not asking him for account passwords or to go through his phone. He won't even allow her to use his phone to make a call! He turns his phone face down and angles it away from her. While he freely goes through *her* phone. This is not the case of a man resisting a snoopy woman.
 
oooop2 said:
Not sure if he's cheating, but I am the ONLY one that finds him a bit controlling. The bolded at definitely red flags for me.
Click to expand...
This is what concerned me just as much as the possible cheating. I was hoping someone would say it. Not just the smoothered part but then he goes through your phone but wants his own "freedom" and when you mention it, he brushes you off, but then he also when you need to use the phone asks you for the number but doesn't allow you to talk to the person (but talks to them for you).

I was like:spinning: is this the making of a horrible relationship or what, and that's before you worry about the other b.s that might be possible (cheating).
 
Innocent_Kiss said:
Bare with me, ladies. My PC is broken so I'm posting from my cell phone. I haven't even read all of the responses, but someone suggested to just stick it out. I tried for 3 years. After he gave me clamydia, I thanked God it wasn't HIV and left his *** for good. I'm not ashamed to tell my story so other women won't go thru what I have. Maybe I'm optimistic or naïve? But I don't believe every man cheats and I refuse to subject myself to that lifestyle again. Trust me, you feel like sh*t when you know your man has slept with someone else and he comes and crawls back in between your legs. That takes a tole on your mind, your emotions and self worth. But I do appreciate you keeping it honest.

Now, for my current boyfriend, I'm so torn. He's obviously hiding something. He does ALL of the things you all asked me about. He'll turn his phone to an angle I can't see, or his phone will randomly be on silent/vibrate/turned down. A couple nights ago he got a text at 4am. My attitude immediately changed and he noticed. I left the room and he came rushing after me and told me it was a FB notification. BULL! The next morning he told me it was his ex and she'd called him a week ago to console in him about her relationship and apologized for how badly she treated him. She asked if they could be friends and he said yeah. He said eversince she's been calling/texting begging for another chance irregards to him telling her that he's happily in a new relationship. He apologized for lying and said he'd block her # asap. This, too, is some bull. I think he's allowed himself to be her confidant and has reignited an emotional connection. Perfect recipe for infedelity.

He'd have a BF if my ex called me and yes he goes thru all of my things but I don't care because I don't have anything to hide. I am so uncomfortable. I've been trying to initiate some type of healing to rid myself of the baggage from my ex. I learned from this website www.innerbonding.com is that I'm loving from what's referred to as my "wounded self" and that I'm responsible for my own feelings. That there's no such thing as you "made" me mad, insecure, hurt etc I thank God for the site because it articulated very deep and complicated emotions I've experienced. At the same time, I'm no fool.
Click to expand...

LOOK. It doesn't matter if you have nothing to hide. Why is he so overly suspicious in the first place? You've never given him a reason to be suspicious whereas he HAS by lying to you. He is controlling and you're going to have problems. You need to realize this and cut your losses.

AND he's probably lying and is with his ex, now that I saw that part about the lie and the ex contacting him and on and on as he controls his phone but checks yours...along with ALL your stuff. What is he the police? Are you supposed to spread em every night (no pun intended)? While he basically is allowed to do whatever he wants, and also lie to you (and basically possibly cheat on you). Meanwhile because you think you have nothing to hide it's okay for him to treat you like a suspect all the while smothering you and controlling your actions?

What will it take for you to realize this is unhealthy?
 
I have a general rule, OP. If I'm feeling insecure in a relationship, I leave. I don't wait until I find text messages, stained blue dresses, etc. That's just wasting time until you confirm what you have already known all along. The relationship either has to enhance or at least substain my happiness and quality of life. Being nervous, jittery and/or insecure doesn't not meet that qualification. Good luck, hun.
 
BroadstreetBully said:
You really, really need to be alone for a while. I know it is hard to be alone when you're so used to a relationship, but see it as a challenge.
Click to expand...

Why is it when I made a thread about women taking "breaks" btwn relationships I got stoned:perplexed

ebonylocs said:
See, in general I agree with you, but in this case she's not asking him for account passwords or to go through his phone. He won't even allow her to use his phone to make a call! He turns his phone face down and angles it away from her. While he freely goes through *her* phone. This is not the case of a man resisting a snoopy woman.
Click to expand...

Yeah these things sounds kinda sketchy to me, OP. It's hard to trust when you have baggage issues as well. I can't deal with secretive men. You can't even use his phone to make a simple phone call?
 
Innocent_Kiss said:
Bare with me, ladies. My PC is broken so I'm posting from my cell phone. I haven't even read all of the responses, but someone suggested to just stick it out. I tried for 3 years. After he gave me clamydia, I thanked God it wasn't HIV and left his *** for good. I'm not ashamed to tell my story so other women won't go thru what I have. Maybe I'm optimistic or naïve? But I don't believe every man cheats and I refuse to subject myself to that lifestyle again. Trust me, you feel like sh*t when you know your man has slept with someone else and he comes and crawls back in between your legs. That takes a tole on your mind, your emotions and self worth. But I do appreciate you keeping it honest.

Now, for my current boyfriend, I'm so torn. He's obviously hiding something. He does ALL of the things you all asked me about. He'll turn his phone to an angle I can't see, or his phone will randomly be on silent/vibrate/turned down. A couple nights ago he got a text at 4am. My attitude immediately changed and he noticed. I left the room and he came rushing after me and told me it was a FB notification. BULL! The next morning he told me it was his ex and she'd called him a week ago to console in him about her relationship and apologized for how badly she treated him. She asked if they could be friends and he said yeah. He said eversince she's been calling/texting begging for another chance irregards to him telling her that he's happily in a new relationship. He apologized for lying and said he'd block her # asap. This, too, is some bull. I think he's allowed himself to be her confidant and has reignited an emotional connection. Perfect recipe for infedelity.

He'd have a BF if my ex called me and yes he goes thru all of my things but I don't care because I don't have anything to hide. I am so uncomfortable. I've been trying to initiate some type of healing to rid myself of the baggage from my ex. I learned from this website www.innerbonding.com is that I'm loving from what's referred to as my "wounded self" and that I'm responsible for my own feelings. That there's no such thing as you "made" me mad, insecure, hurt etc I thank God for the site because it articulated very deep and complicated emotions I've experienced. At the same time, I'm no fool.
Click to expand...


If he's not cheating he's contemplating it. He's not over HIS ex yet. Time to leave - bounce. Where there is smoke there's usually fire. Don't even ask to see his phone - show him the door. His being secretive, discrediting your suspicions, blaming it on baggage from your ex, etc - typical signs of a user/cheater/abuser. Show him the door for your own health. He will spin this all kinds of ways - I was scared that if I opened up to you about the ex calling me you would get jealous and leave me OR I did not want to give you any more to worry about because I know you have insecurity issues. He WILL try to turn it around back on you. Don't let him - take emotions away from this and look on his actions - if he wanted to earn your trust he would be an open book. You would know that the ex called and he told her that is was over in no uncertain terms.

DSP said:
Until you finally resolve whatever old drama you're compelled to repeatedly play out, you will continue to attract the same type of relationship over and over again.

If you keep believing these controlling, sneaky men are "perfect" for you, you need to be alone for a while and recalibrate your view of perfection.
Click to expand...

TOTALLY AGREE! You need to leave this man and take time to date your self. Get to know yourself and why you attract the same type of man over and over. Get to know why you feel that you are not worth more than this, why you devalue yourself with these guys. Until you examine your actions, reasons for your actions you would never know HOW to break the cycle and choose better partners. If it happens once its a fluke, if it happens more than once then its time for you to see what is the defect in HOW you choose eligible men.

nappystorm said:
I have a general rule, OP. If I'm feeling insecure in a relationship, I leave. I don't wait until I find text messages, stained blue dresses, etc. That's just wasting time until you confirm what you have already known all along. The relationship either has to enhance or at least substain my happiness and quality of life. Being nervous, jittery and/or insecure doesn't not meet that qualification. Good luck, hun.
Click to expand...
I TOTALLY agree. Without trust a relationship is doomed for failure. When there is no trust an both parties are not equally committed to work on rebuilding trust then its not working.
 
nappystorm said:
I have a general rule, OP. If I'm feeling insecure in a relationship, I leave. I don't wait until I find text messages, stained blue dresses, etc. That's just wasting time until you confirm what you have already known all along. The relationship either has to enhance or at least substain my happiness and quality of life. Being nervous, jittery and/or insecure doesn't not meet that qualification. Good luck, hun.
Click to expand...

Nappystorm u said/wrote a mouthful. I have been accused of being hardcore but if I have to feel insecure in a relationship and its not something I'm doing wrong then its time for me to step.
 
Innocent_Kiss said:
Bare with me, ladies. My PC is broken so I'm posting from my cell phone. I haven't even read all of the responses, but someone suggested to just stick it out. I tried for 3 years. After he gave me clamydia, I thanked God it wasn't HIV and left his *** for good. I'm not ashamed to tell my story so other women won't go thru what I have. Maybe I'm optimistic or naïve? But I don't believe every man cheats and I refuse to subject myself to that lifestyle again. Trust me, you feel like sh*t when you know your man has slept with someone else and he comes and crawls back in between your legs. That takes a tole on your mind, your emotions and self worth. But I do appreciate you keeping it honest.

Now, for my current boyfriend, I'm so torn. He's obviously hiding something. He does ALL of the things you all asked me about. He'll turn his phone to an angle I can't see, or his phone will randomly be on silent/vibrate/turned down. A couple nights ago he got a text at 4am. My attitude immediately changed and he noticed. I left the room and he came rushing after me and told me it was a FB notification. BULL! The next morning he told me it was his ex and she'd called him a week ago to console in him about her relationship and apologized for how badly she treated him. She asked if they could be friends and he said yeah. He said eversince she's been calling/texting begging for another chance irregards to him telling her that he's happily in a new relationship. He apologized for lying and said he'd block her # asap. This, too, is some bull. I think he's allowed himself to be her confidant and has reignited an emotional connection. Perfect recipe for infedelity.

He'd have a BF if my ex called me and yes he goes thru all of my things but I don't care because I don't have anything to hide. I am so uncomfortable. I've been trying to initiate some type of healing to rid myself of the baggage from my ex. I learned from this website www.innerbonding.com is that I'm loving from what's referred to as my "wounded self" and that I'm responsible for my own feelings. That there's no such thing as you "made" me mad, insecure, hurt etc I thank God for the site because it articulated very deep and complicated emotions I've experienced. At the same time, I'm no fool.
Click to expand...

Wow. Well, I think your instincts are right and you must know by now it's time to go. I can tell you are in a lot of anguish and no man is worth all of that. I don't know your history with relationships, but from what the others are saying I agree that a little break from the dating world will do you a world of good. You've really had it rough.
 
Innocent_Kiss said:
Fast forward to my current relationship. This man is everything I prayed for.
Click to expand...

No, he's not. ETA: This is bigger than a phone issue. Much bigger.

Innocent_Kiss said:
He called her FOR me and asked her about what I needed. Are you serious?
Click to expand...

I guess he is. What did he say when you confronted him about this?

Innocent_Kiss said:
I've snapped about it and he blames me for making him pay for my ex or he'll ask me the golden question "Why are you so insecure?!?!"
Click to expand...

He's playing you. He knows what to say to make you back down.

Innocent_Kiss said:
This man has sat down with my parents and have talked to them about marrying me.
Click to expand...

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you guys been going out?

Innocent_Kiss said:
He's with me every single day almost to the point where I feel smothered! And has a fit when I wana go out lol when I need him he's there.
Click to expand...

NOT CUTE. NOT.CUTE.AT.ALL.

DayStar said:
RUN FAST :nono:.
Click to expand...

This pretty much sums it up. He saw you coming, he really did. You must have wounded written all over you, because if you continue this, you're going to end up in a relationship as bad as your last. Focus on self-healing.

(goes off to read the rest of the thread)
 
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Black Ambrosia said:
Everybody says to trust your intuition but the truth is that baggage from past relationships makes you predisposed to not trust the next guy. So that voice telling you that something isn't right may not be intuition. It could be fear.
Click to expand...

This isn't a fear issue. It could have been, but based on how this guy is acting, she knows what's up. OP's in denial about this guy being what she prayed for, cause he's only showing his 'good' side for the moment, and he's barely even doing that.

Black Ambrosia said:
There have to be some boundaries.
Click to expand...

Correct, so where are her boundaries? Homeboy has no respect for her privacy, going through her phone and such. He's carrying on like she cheated, and he doesn't trust her.

Bunny77 said:
Ah hell, I'll just say it... I bet the guy is either cheating, overly controlling or both. I really think the OP needs to chill out on relationships for a while because even though she finally left the first guy, she jumped rather quickly into the next relationship. I don't know if she truly learned enough lessons from the first relationship to avoid running into the exact.same.thing in this one...
Click to expand...

Bunny, you should charge for all this good advice you give I swear.

There's been some good stuff posted in this thread, and OP, think twice before continuing this relationship because you probably saw what you wanted to see in the beginning, esp. with him asking for your hand, you probably figured you'd met your prince in shining armour. [I'm curious, how do your parents feel about him by the way?] However, you're noticing that his armour isn't as shiny as you hoped. He's showing his tail, boo. Even if you want to stick with this, you may need to ask around about him; his friends, his exes, etc. but personally, I wouldn't waste the energy. It's time to bounce.

ETA: Er, off topic, but did anyone else find the title TOTALLY misleading? :perplexed
 
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Pokahontas said:
I'm lol at the phone being flipped over because I do that on a daily basis, even when I'm by myself and I have absolutely no reason behind doing it. I never even thought about it until today lol.
Click to expand...
I do it too, regularly and I have a touch screen phone. flipping the phone over can mean nothing. (actually I do it as a safety measure because I cracked my last one). but this situation does sound shady though.
 
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This guy has some serious control issues. If he has a fit when you leave, and he's smothering you then that's a warning sign. Another is him looking through your phone... I hope I'm wrong but this man is sounding like a potential batterer.

I think you need to put some space between you too, especially since your not over what the last one put you through. You need some space and some time to decide if his really worth it. I do think that he's not over his last girlfriend, and his behavior is suspicoius and kinda perturbing. Leaving him may be your best option.
 
"I can go on and on. So what is he hiding from me? How do I deal with this? IDK if this is a red flag or my wounded self engulfed in fear. How should I come to him? If at all? I want your honest thoughts, please!"

Girrl, you know what's up. Asking others is proof that FOR NOW, you really kinda don't want to face it. WYSIWYG, girl . . "what you see is what you get". His action is not matching his words, thus your mental "confusion". It's sad too. 'Cause you're a good girl and there is no need for him to be stepping to you and your fam like that. :swearing:
 
I am not blaming the victim here but there is a reason why you picked this guy: you knew he would cheat on you. I say this because another woman would have walked after the first incident with your ex and with the current guy but you stayed because him being less than trust worthy means something to you. I would suggest that you dump this guy and see a therapist to figure out what is going on with you.
 
controlling and sketchy.


if he doesn't want you to go through his phone (that fact alone, never mind everything else you posted). then he'd have no desire or reason to go through yours. red flag.

yuk
 
L.Brown1114 said:
no one shoot me BUT....if this man is perfect for you in every way but him cheating then maybe u should stick it through an just pray hell get over that stage. every man cheat and if the mans not cheating the women prolly is. MOST OF THE TIME NOT ALL. is all this going to matter when your 80 years old and hes right there by your side growing old with you?? wheres that "other women" then?? just make sure u get his last name and half his stuff and make like tiger woods wife if stuff starts getting out of control!!

ETA: thats what *i* would do. im from the old school cuz i feel like if u leave him for cheating then u wind up with a guy who will probably dp the same thing but not as perfect for you. kat williams said it then best. you leave a 90% ***** for a 70% ***** over something all guys do!! the 70% just hides it better!! *joking before the cat fight starts*

on a serious note OP generally if u think a mans cheating he is. womens intuition. i think its good though ur not the type to lie to yourself and see the reality of the situation. what i would do is get it out of his friends cuz hes def not gonna tell u. i always befriend my boyfriends friends cuz tehy give me all the juicy gossip. :-)
Click to expand...

I want to respectfully disagree with you. Being by yourself is always an option. I won't tolerate a man cheating on me, I don't care if he is Tiger Woods and the pay out "if caught" would be phenomenal. In the end your marriage is over, your self-respect has been compromised, you now realize your vows were hollow at best. BUT, you got the kids, the big house, the money, and quite possibly a rip roaring STD...nah I don't think so.

As women we should set some negotiable and for God's sake our non-negotiables. Cheating for me is a non-negotiable. Putting your hands on me (which would turn out bad at any rate) is a big non-negotiable. Smoking, preferring YT but I'll do, like to look at little girls, drugs, all of that...non-negotiable. I'm not even trying to love you enough to get you past it. Go on with that.

I will work with you if you are unemployed, non-degreed, make half my salary, got some kids, even a baby mama (as long as you have her properly trained...lol), those types of things we can get around IF you have my other non-negotiable. You are a man of prayer and believe in God. Because those two things right there will get us through pretty much all of the above.

Actually prayer and God will get you through anything...I'm just very selective what I bring to God to fix. Some stuff HE expects me to avoid.
 
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