Where Did I Go Wrong???

curlicarib

curlicarib

Lovin'' All of Me
Ex-SO and I were together for close to 15 years. We broke up a few years ago but was on/off for about 2 years after (it's hard to let go even when you know you should). The breakup was amicable and we remain great friends to this day. Chapter closed.

There is this great guy that works at my job - different department. He came onboard in 2012. When he first came onboard, we had an interesting conversation about life and other things and I noted that there was a definite attraction between us. I was in no place to start anything (father just passed away and was still on/off with former SO) so we remained acquaintances. Fast forward to last August-ish 2015. Great guy at work has asked me out on several occasions. I say no thanks because, honestly, it never occurred to me that he was asking me out (I know). I've been out of the game for a while so I completely missed all the signals. Finally I catch on and agree to meet him at an open air concert one evening. We have a great time and this starts a tentative new friendship. Over the next several months, our friendship deepens. We talk/text each other from the moment we wake up, to the moment we go to sleep. We spend lots of time together doing all kinds of things. We make plans to go on several camping trips this summer. He meets my family, I meet his friends (he has no family in state). He's house hunting and we go looking at houses. Basically, we were incorporating each other into our lives. Nothing sexual is going on yet, but there is lots of longing and desire going on. I have promised myself that I would not make the first move. If he wants to move this forward, the ball is in his court.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. The texting has slowed down and we aren't talking as much. We still have morning tea together (that's one of our things) and have great conversations (face to face and texts) throughout the day. But the outside of work situation has cooled off. Yesterday, a mutual acquaintance mentioned that he has a new girl friend. I was/am so hurt. This isn't the worst heartbreak I've ever had, but it definitely caught me off guard. Especially how deep I'm feeling it. The little girl in me wants to throw a tantrum and call him doodoo head. The petty 20something in me wants to cuss him out and tell him want an a*shole he is. The grown woman in me wants to go professional cold and never talk to him on a personal level again. Right now, she's winning. I haven't spoken to him at all today. And I guess he knows he's wrong because he hasn't been to my office, texted, called or emailed me.

I don't want advise because I know what I'm going to do - get all my sh*t from his place and never talk to him in a personal capacity again. What I want from you lovely ladies, is to know where did I go wrong? How did I get the signals so mixed? Or, did I? One of my male friends told me that I should have initiated sex. But I wanted more from him and wanted to establish our friendship first. I thought we were working towards something real.

Help me ladies. I actually shed a few tears last night and I'm mad as hell at myself for falling for the fake out.
 
I'm not sure that you did anything wrong

did you want him at all costs?

because it sounds like he was lowkey deceitful/not upfront about the new girl

did you want to hang on to a deceitful man?

You're good. you know what he's made of...

It hurts, and that's ok
but it sounds like he aint the one..
 
I don't 100 percent get why you're mad.
You seemed to friend zone him and he went and found himself a girlfriend.


Are you strictly opposed to speaking with him openly? No one here could ever know really what went wrong if anything because we aren't him. There's a slew of reasons and possibilities that the ladies here could only theorize.

But just going off my understanding
For 3 years you rejected his advances, only saw him as a coworker, and didn't want to date. Then I guess the end of last year(?) Realized you would be open to dating him and accepted his offer to go out. Been getting to know each other for the past 8 months or so. Making plans etc you assumed this was leading to relationship he never pursued one? Now he has a new gf?
Am I getting that right?
If so I can think of a few reasons for what happened. I don't think anything went wrong, though.


He could have realized that he didn't want a relationship ( for whatever reason) with you but enjoys your company and doesn't want to mess that up.
Or
It could be like your friend said he wanted to color and you didn't.


I hope you feel better op
 
Itgirl said:
I'm not sure that you did anything wrong

did you want him at all costs?

because it sounds like he was lowkey deceitful/not upfront about the new girl

did you want to hang on to a deceitful man?

You're good. you know what he's made of...

It hurts, and that's ok
but it sounds like he aint the one..
Click to expand...
Interesting that you thought he was being deceitful what because he didn't tell op about the girlfriend?
 
I'm unclear- were you two dating or just friends?

If you weren't dating, I think maybe you should have had a talk about your feelings for one another without having an ambiguous relationship. Because this is what usually happens when everything is left unsaid. You probably should have had a conversation about where you both stood as far as how you felt about each other.

Is it possible he didn't know you had those kind of feelings for him? Did he know you had feelings for him?
 
Itgirl said:
I'm not sure that you did anything wrong

did you want him at all costs?

because it sounds like he was lowkey deceitful/not upfront about the new girl

did you want to hang on to a deceitful man?

You're good. you know what he's made of...

It hurts, and that's ok
but it sounds like he aint the one..
Click to expand...

I absolutely do not want a deceitful man in my life! I definitely don't want him at all costs. I'm fine letting him go. I guess, I just want to know if I read things wrong? Was he in it only for the friendship from the beginning and I saw something that wasn't there? If that's the case, he fooled everybody. Just yesterday, a coworker said straight up "he's your man and you know it". And he wasn't the first one to make that comment to me or him.

I think the idea of me being that wrong has me a bit shook. How could I have read this situation sooooooo wrong???

On another note - he just came by my office. I was polite and discussed work. He mentioned that we were supposed to attend a friends graduation on Monday. I'm going, but not with him. He said he has things to do afterwards. I told him have fun with that. I'm not going to bite.
 
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Godsdaughter001 said:
I'm unclear- were you two dating or just friends?

If you weren't dating, I think maybe you should have had a talk about your feelings for one another without having an ambiguous relationship. Because this is what usually happens when everything is left unsaid. You probably should have had a conversation about where you both stood as far as how you felt about each other.

Is it possible he didn't know you had those kind of feelings for him? Did he know you had feelings for him?
Click to expand...

I thought we were dating, but maybe we weren't? Every time we went out he drove and paid. We never went dutch and I never paid. This is what I'm trying to figure out. In my mind I made my feeling for him clear. I left it to him to make the move. Maybe my friend is right and I should have made the move first? Either way, I'm done. I don't even want to be his friend at this point.
 
curlicarib said:
I absolutely do not want a deceitful man in my life! I definitely don't want him at all costs. I'm fine letting him go. I guess, I just want to know if I read things wrong? Was he in it only for the friendship from the beginning and I saw something that wasn't there? If that's the case, he fooled everybody. Just yesterday, a coworker said straight up "he's your man and you know it". And he wasn't the first one to make that comment to me or him.

I think the idea of me being that wrong has me a bit shook. How could I have not read this situation sooooooo wrong???

On another note - he just came by my office. I was polite and discussed work. He mentioned that we were supposed to attend a friends graduation on Monday. I'm going, but not with him. He said he has things to do afterwards. I told him have fun with that. I'm not going to bite.
Click to expand...

Its possible that you read his intentions incorrectly..

I can't say for sure.. but thats all part of this 'courting' learning curve...
 
nlamr2013 said:
I don't 100 percent get why you're mad.
You seemed to friend zone him and he went and found himself a girlfriend.


Are you strictly opposed to speaking with him openly? No one here could ever know really what went wrong if anything because we aren't him. There's a slew of reasons and possibilities that the ladies here could only theorize.

But just going off my understanding
For 3 years you rejected his advances, only saw him as a coworker, and didn't want to date. Then I guess the end of last year(?) Realized you would be open to dating him and accepted his offer to go out. Been getting to know each other for the past 8 months or so. Making plans etc you assumed this was leading to relationship he never pursued one? Now he has a new gf?
Am I getting that right?
If so I can think of a few reasons for what happened. I don't think anything went wrong, though.


He could have realized that he didn't want a relationship ( for whatever reason) with you but enjoys your company and doesn't want to mess that up.
Or
It could be like your friend said he wanted to color and you didn't.


I hope you feel better op
Click to expand...

I'm not opposed to speaking to him, I just don't want to do it now. Never let 'em see you cry, after all. In a few days, when I've processed and I'm not in danger of losing my cool completely, I'll talk to him.
 
Itgirl said:
It seemed to me that they were close enough .. even as friends that he would have mentioned being into a girl, that's what most friends do...

I feel that him purposely not metioning at all is omission by intent... and I consider that deceit
Click to expand...

This is it exactly. We've discussed all kinds of things.. Although we never discussed being exclusive. We did, however, spend all of our time together - until two weeks ago. When I saw him yesterday after the beans were spilt, he couldn't even look me in the face. So I know, he knew he was wrong.
 
Itgirl said:
It seemed to me that they were close enough .. even as friends that he would have mentioned being into a girl, that's what most friends do...

I feel that him purposely not metioning at all is omission by intent... and I consider that deceit
Click to expand...
Oh OK
I can see where you're coming from. I'm still not seeing it :lol: but I get what you're saying. How do you think he should have brought it up?
It wasn't like he ghosted her. He just scaled the friendship back to one that was respectful to his gf(only really seeing curli at work, cutting down on communication, having more boundaries )
 
No one will know the intentions of this man. There could be a number of reasons why he withdrew. Imo, what you can say for sure is that if a man wants you there will be no doubt or confusion. He will let you know and want to be around you. So don't harbor too much on the why. Charge it to the game. Take time, mourn what you lost and move forward.
 
nlamr2013 said:
Oh OK
I can see where you're coming from. I'm still not seeing it :lol: but I get what you're saying. How do you think he should have brought it up?
It wasn't like he ghosted her. He just scaled the friendship back to one that was respectful to his gf(only really seeing curli at work, cutting down on communication, having more boundaries )
Click to expand...

I think he should have just said it.. if he truly felt they were at friend level... he could just say...' hey.. gotta scale it back a bit.. my girl been in my ear that I need to spend more time with her..'

if he truly though of curli as just a friend that would be zero issue...

scaling it back to be respectful of his girl was appropriate.. not saying anythng is kinda dicey...
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
No one will know the intentions of this man. There could be a number of reasons why he withdrew. Imo, what you can say for sure is that if a man wants you there will be no doubt or confusion. He will let you know and want to be around you. So don't harbor too much on the why. Charge it to the game. Take time, mourn what you lost and move forward.
Click to expand...

Pretty much.

If a dude can't come up to plate.. I don't need to be out here playing guessing games
 
Itgirl said:
so the new gf was around in the period you were spending all that time with him?
Click to expand...

She had to be. Otherwise, they moved extra fast because he was talking about going "home" to her house yesterday. That's how I found out about them - I over heard a conversation between him and one of his coworkers. Afterwards, I asked the coworker if he moved and he told me no, he's talking about going to his girlfriend's house. He was standing right there and practically turned into a beet. He hasn't made eye contact since.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
No one will know the intentions of this man. There could be a number of reasons why he withdrew. Imo, what you can say for sure is that if a man wants you there will be no doubt or confusion. He will let you know and want to be around you. So don't harbor too much on the why. Charge it to the game. Take time, mourn what you lost and move forward.
Click to expand...

I agree. Which is why I was so blindsided. We were spending LOTS of time together.

ETA: When he came by my office, he mentioned that he had a few things to do after work - grocery shopping, get his mail, etc. These are thing we would normally do together. It's like he was waiting for me to volunteer to go with him. I did no such thing. He can do all those things with his new girl.
 
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curlicarib said:
She had to be. Otherwise, they moved extra fast because he was talking about going "home" to her house yesterday. That's how I found out about them - I over heard a conversation between him and one of his coworkers. Afterwards, I asked the coworker if he moved and he told me no, he's talking about going to his girlfriend's house. He was standing right there and practically turned into a beet. He hasn't made eye contact since.
Click to expand...


his reaction subsequent to the revelation is telling..
 
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