When the Other Woman is Ugly

[emerald06]

I didn't post this in the Relationship Forum because it is not my relationship.

Over the years I have witnessed family members -- in-laws mostly, as it was my blood relatives who were being gutter-butt by cheating -- fall victim not only by being cheated on but by being cheated on with a nasty, fat, ugly, low-class -- or any combination thereof -- woman.

One of my male cousins cheated on his nice looking wife with this large, nasty woman who lived in a trailer park. I say she was nasty because when I saw her, she would always have dingy spots on her clothes, holes, hair half-combed, the comb might have been stuck in her hair with a couple of lint balls in it. You get the picture. How did I know her when I saw her? I had another cousin (the cheating cousin's brother, in fact) point her out by saying, "There's Bearilla." Those are his words not mine.

His wife was always classy, lovely, graceful, up-standing and nicely styled.

I grew up wondering "WTH!?!" I was two years younger than their child, my cousin, whom I loved like a sister. The reason she said that she stayed in the marriage was for her child. That's probably why my cousin won't marry now, but I understand her motivations.

I mean my male cousin even WENT TO JAIL because he violated his probation by driving without a license. He was driving his gutter-butt other woman around at the time! Now ain't that some mess!

 

[emerald06]

My point is this: I've heard many women say that they are okay with their man being around a woman THEY deem unattractive.

But it seems as though if a man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, regardless of how lovely the wife is.

I get sick just thinking about it. *sigh*

 

[emerald06]

So two questions:

1) How do you know if a man is going to cheat (if you have no evidence that he cheated before)?

2) Are you comfortable allowing your man around average to below-average looking women? If so, why?

***Hmm. This is starting to sound Relationship Forum worthy. I'll ask a mod to move it there.

 

[NaturalRed]

1) How do you know if a man is going to cheat (if you have no evidence that he cheated before)? You don't know. It's just women's intuition. If he's cheating there will be signs. Whether he's acting differently, or spending lots of unaccounted for time away from home.


2) Are you comfortable allowing your man around average to below-average looking women? If so, why? I'm not comfortable allowing my man around any woman that I don't personally know and trust, whether she's average to below or attractive.

 

[ThickHair]

As usual the focus is on the other woman, when the real issue is a CHEATING HUSBAND. It doesn't matter what the woman looks like, a married man shouldn't be cheating, period, end of story. It hurts no less if the woman is what the wife deems cute, ok, or gutter butt ugly. A cheating spouse and the wife is concerned about what the other trick looks like, oh puh-leaze, I am so sick and tire of hearing this same lame story.


Check yo man, is all you need to do.

 

[Bmack]

As usual the focus is on the other woman, when the real issue is a CHEATING HUSBAND. It doesn't matter what the woman looks like, a married man shouldn't be cheating, period, end of story. It hurts no less if the woman is what the wife deems cute, ok, or gutter butt ugly. A cheating spouse and the wife is concerned about what the other trick looks like, oh puh-leaze, I am so sick and tire of hearing this same lame story.


Check yo man, is all you need to do.

I have to agree, especially since I was thinking about something similar this morning. However, first to address the questions: if a man is going to cheat, he will cheat no matter whom you feel comfortable having him around.


Now, I was reading a relationship site where some women had just broken up from a relationship where they were treated poorly. Two of their concerns were that the man was going to do it to their new women, who they went on to criticize over shallow ish, that is none of their business no how.

Another thing (which is not related to this really) was the man being cruel for treating them bad. We all have been there a time or two and I strongly believe that no one can treat you bad unless you allow it. After the first, and sometimes second time you should be cutting that behaviour out and letting a man know what you will and will not tolerate.

Okay, sorry for going off topic.

 

[cocosweet]

As usual the focus is on the other woman, when the real issue is a CHEATING HUSBAND. It doesn't matter what the woman looks like, a married man shouldn't be cheating, period, end of story. It hurts no less if the woman is what the wife deems cute, ok, or gutter butt ugly. A cheating spouse and the wife is concerned about what the other trick looks like, oh puh-leaze, I am so sick and tire of hearing this same lame story.


Check yo man, is all you need to do.

Yeah. If your man is inclined to be a Cheating Cheetah, that's what he is going to do. Looks are really irrelevant.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Men mostly cheat because of how the other woman makes him feel, what she does for him and what her overall vibe is when they're together, not necessarily because of her level of pretty. If they gas his head up, turn him out in the bedroom, and make him feel like the head honcho that's what creates the appeal.

The mistress doesn't have to see his crustiness in the mornings, she doesn't have to wash his dirty draws, she doesn't have to deal with him leaving the toilet seat up or leaving a sprinkle after her tinkled. They don't have the real life marital stresses of bills, tuition, keeping a home up that would usually cause problems in a true relationship. She probably doesn't even cook for him. So it's very easy for there to be this fantasy life created with the other woman that makes it seem like she's much easier to be around and "more pleasant" then the wife.

I learned alot when Oprah had her episode where she sat down and spoke to a room full of cheaters of all walks of life and asked them why and the biggest common denominators was what I stated above about how the woman made them feel and lack of sex within the marriage. They told it all. It was eye opening.


Sent from my iPhone4 using LHCF

 

[mischka]

When the other woman is ugly you realize regardless of what you or she looks like you're with a dog and you clearly need to move on.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Cheaters will cheat because they're cheaters (some men just have the sheer propensity to cheat no matter how fly their wife is)

or emasculated (and needs their "man" essence stroked)
or vindictive (getting the wife back for something he feels slighted about)
or narcissisitc,
or bored,
or seduced,
or horny,
or under the influence,
or feels neglected,
or just had a one-time slip up (and later is genuinely remorseful).

Maybe its a combination of all or some of it. Only you and him can really know the why behind it all. Focusing in on her external looks is only a one-dimensional way of looking at the issues. Although, truth be told, I'd take her looks into consideration too because I'm vain like that and I know how visually stimulated men are.

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

OP, we related? The men in my fam pull this same ish. From what I see their rational is if she will give it, I will take it. I don't care what the trollop looks like, if you cheat imma beat you like a red headed step child - in your sleep - then be on my way.

The nasty ones that cheat are always looking for strange or looking to be made to feel like a 'man'. Seems no one told them that being committed and faithful is an attribute of the manliest of men...

 

[emerald06]

^^^ Perhaps we are. My uncle (the cheating cousin's father) was a life-long philanderer as well. My cousin was the first-born son. I suppose he did his best to imitate my uncle.

Thanks for your responses.

 

[MzLady78]

As usual the focus is on the other woman, when the real issue is a CHEATING HUSBAND. It doesn't matter what the woman looks like, a married man shouldn't be cheating, period, end of story. It hurts no less if the woman is what the wife deems cute, ok, or gutter butt ugly. A cheating spouse and the wife is concerned about what the other trick looks like, oh puh-leaze, I am so sick and tire of hearing this same lame story.


Check yo man, is all you need to do.

I agree with you 100% that in theory it shouldn't matter, but I'm gonna keep it real and say that if the woman was decidedly unattractive/sloppy/ghetto, it would be a double blow.

 

[MsChelle]

The thing that women need to understand is that when cheating does come into play your first cause of action needs to be to deal with your man and not the other woman. He is the one that owes you something and not her. Now, I am not saying to let the other woman off the hook, especially if she knew he was attached but we spend too much energy going after the other woman. If a person in a relationship wants to cheat they will. Why does it matter if the other woman is "unattractive"? Would you feel better if your man cheated with a drop dead gorgeous woman? Cheating is cheating is cheating.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

Was bearilla white?

 

[glamazon386]

It isn't about what the other woman looks like. Bearilla probably knew some tricks.

1) How do you know if a man is going to cheat (if you have no evidence that he cheated before)?

You don't. There's no way to know in advance.

2) Are you comfortable allowing your man around average to below-average looking women? If so, why?

He can be around whoever he wants to be with. I really don't care. If he wants to cheat, he will. And I'll be right out the door the minute he does. That's a dealbreaker for me.

 

[Guitarhero]

1) How do you know if a man is going to cheat (if you have no evidence that he cheated before)?
How would you know if anybody, male or female, is going to cheat? You don't.



2) Are you comfortable allowing your man around average to below-average looking women? If so, why?

I'd imagine that worrying about who he works with and staying home every weekend just to make sure there is no contact with the outside world is going to create undue stress on that relationship. If you're at a family gathering or job, what are you gonna do when a woman comes up and says, "hi"? Push her on the ground?


Obviously, he wasn't happy at home and not within himself to enter a relationship and cheat. It's the cheater's problem and you cannot cure that. He has to cure that himself.

 

[Guitarhero]

Men mostly cheat because of how the other woman makes him feel, what she does for him and what her overall vibe is when they're together, not necessarily because of her level of pretty. If they gas his head up, turn him out in the bedroom, and make him feel like the head honcho that's what creates the appeal.

Which is ultimately extreme selfishness because, if he elicited true respect, he would have gotten it. I say the problem is moral and not "how she makes me feel." That's a cop-out.

 

[emerald06]

Was bearilla white?

Nope. She was a sista.

 

[leona2025]

Imma be real too. I of course don't/didn't want DH to cheat, but it is as another poster stated twice as bad to find out the other woman looks like a damn werewolf. I don't know when I seen the other woman DH was involved with it kinda was a blow to my own self esteem.

I kinda felt like well damn if she look like that, maybe I'm fooling myself thinking I'm average/pretty and I look like **** too. I've know DH for a long long time. And I've met several of his girlfriends when he and I were just friends and I must say in my opinion none of them were cute.

 

[*5+5]

I have a cousin who use to cheat really bad on his wife...looking back on it I think he actually had a case of the Madonna-whore complex. His wife who is very nice, beautiful, tall, model-esque and a dentist who has pushed out 4 babies for him and she’s still stunner.

He was cheating on her with straight swamp donkeys ewwww….
We had a conversation about the women he was sleeping around with and he said that he had a fetish for women with nasty walks, that looked as tho’ they stink but didn’t. He said he was turned on by women that could wind on the dance floor who liked to talk s* and be sassy to a man.

So all those things considered his wife was the total opposite and if that was his fetish then there wasn’t much the wife could do to provide him with that. erplexed

I think it's very important that men marry the woman that they are sexually compatible with who does it for them sexually. But they tend to marry the woman that fits the wife mode instead and then cheat on her.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I totally agree that it has nothing to do with the other woman (attractive or unattractive) but EVERYTHING to do with the man.

When a woman is married to an excessive cheater, I often wonder if there were signs that were ignored or overlooked before marrying. I'm not talking about a husband that has a one time fling and they work it out, I'm talking about a man that cheats just because, for any reason, and multiple times within the marriage.

I personally have seen women that marry men who cheated while they were dating/exclusive, and then go on the marry the man perhaps thinking that will stop the cheating. It doesn't, and so the marriage is just riddled with drama.

 

[MzLady78]

I have a cousin who use to cheat really bad on his wife...looking back on it I think he actually had a case of the Madonna-whore complex. His wife who is very nice, beautiful, tall, model-esque and a dentist who has pushed out 4 babies for him and she’s still stunner.

He was cheating on her with straight swamp donkeys ewwww….
We had a conversation about the women he was sleeping around with and he said that he had a fetish for women with nasty walks, that looked as tho’ they stink but didn’t. He said he was turned on by women that could wind on the dance floor who liked to talk s* and be sassy to a man.

So all those things considered his wife was the total opposite and if that was his fetish then there wasn’t much the wife could do to provide him with that. erplexed

I think it's very important that men marry the woman that they are sexually compatible with who does it for them sexually. But they tend to marry the woman that fits the wife mode instead and then cheat on her.

I said this in a thread not too long ago, but it was right before it got locked.

I know 2 people currently cheating on their SOs with each other (she's married, he has a live in GF) because their SOs aren't into the things that they're into sexually. Now, how much of this is true, IDK, but I was told that in both instances the SO pulled a bait and switch- basically saying what the other wanted to hear in order to get them. But plenty of people know upfront that they're not sexually compatible and proceed anyway.

 

[leona2025]

I have a cousin who use to cheat really bad on his wife...looking back on it I think he actually had a case of the Madonna-whore complex. His wife who is very nice, beautiful, tall, model-esque and a dentist who has pushed out 4 babies for him and she’s still stunner.

He was cheating on her with straight swamp donkeys ewwww….
We had a conversation about the women he was sleeping around with and he said that he had a fetish for women with nasty walks, that looked as tho’ they stink but didn’t. He said he was turned on by women that could wind on the dance floor who liked to talk s* and be sassy to a man.

So all those things considered his wife was the total opposite and if that was his fetish then there wasn’t much the wife could do to provide him with that. erplexed

I think it's very important that men marry the woman that they are sexually compatible with who does it for them sexually. But they tend to marry the woman that fits the wife mode instead and then cheat on her.

OMG I love this. I gotta remember this one.

I totally agree that it has nothing to do with the other woman (attractive or unattractive) but EVERYTHING to do with the man.

When a woman is married to an excessive cheater, I often wonder if there were signs that were ignored or overlooked before marrying. I'm not talking about a husband that has a one time fling and they work it out, I'm talking about a man that cheats just because, for any reason, and multiple times within the marriage.

I personally have seen women that marry men who cheated while they were dating/exclusive, and then go on the marry the man perhaps thinking that will stop the cheating. It doesn't, and so the marriage is just riddled with drama.

I believe this is often the case. At least it was for me. I was very naive in thinking that all our issues would go away once we were married because he would "belong to me". If anything it only made the situation so much worse.

 

[ThickHair]

I personally have seen women that marry men who cheated while they were dating/exclusive, and then go on the marry the man perhaps thinking that will stop the cheating. It doesn't, and so the marriage is just riddled with drama.

Former BFF did this and she is still crying many many years later, that she is everything to him and doesn't understand why he won't stop. Plus she talks about how all the other women look. I just SMH because she knew exactly what she was getting into. She said it all at her bachlorette party and we were all bewildered as to why she wanted to marry this dude. Her answer, I want my kids to have the same father. Understandable, but choose a better father.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Men mostly cheat because of how the other woman makes him feel, what she does for him and what her overall vibe is when they're together, not necessarily because of her level of pretty. If they gas his head up, turn him out in the bedroom, and make him feel like the head honcho that's what creates the appeal.

The mistress doesn't have to see his crustiness in the mornings, she doesn't have to wash his dirty draws, she doesn't have to deal with him leaving the toilet seat up or leaving a sprinkle after her tinkled. They don't have the real life marital stresses of bills, tuition, keeping a home up that would usually cause problems in a true relationship. She probably doesn't even cook for him. So it's very easy for there to be this fantasy life created with the other woman that makes it seem like she's much easier to be around and "more pleasant" then the wife.

I learned alot when Oprah had her episode where she sat down and spoke to a room full of cheaters of all walks of life and asked them why and the biggest common denominators was what I stated above about how the woman made them feel and lack of sex within the marriage. They told it all. It was eye opening.


Sent from my iPhone4 using LHCF

Maybe wives shouldn't be doing the bolded in the first place.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I have a cousin who use to cheat really bad on his wife...looking back on it I think he actually had a case of the Madonna-whore complex. His wife who is very nice, beautiful, tall, model-esque and a dentist who has pushed out 4 babies for him and she’s still stunner.

He was cheating on her with straight swamp donkeys ewwww….

We had a conversation about the women he was sleeping around with and he said that he had a fetish for women with nasty walks, that looked as tho’ they stink but didn’t. He said he was turned on by women that could wind on the dance floor who liked to talk s* and be sassy to a man.

So all those things considered his wife was the total opposite and if that was his fetish then there wasn’t much the wife could do to provide him with that. erplexed

I think it's very important that men marry the woman that they are sexually compatible with who does it for them sexually. But they tend to marry the woman that fits the wife mode instead and then cheat on her.

BINGO! Many of these men want women who are exciting and won't take crap from them. Regarless of how many babies you push out and how good and refined you look. Men don't want what they perceive as doormats who bore them at home. The more I read about it and see it in real life. It's true. Once women get settled in the relationship and start giving up their time and attention to be with him. He's already one foot out the door. Human nature people pure and simple.

And another thing, many of these dudes aren't honorable to begin with. It's great if he wonderful with you but what does he do and say when you aren't around. Does he still honor you?

 

[H0tPinkButtafly]

maybe he likes the ugly woman for her personality lol? i dont know but i have seem this happen before too...

 

[*5+5]

I said this in a thread not too long ago, but it was right before it got locked.

I know 2 people currently cheating on their SOs with each other (she's married, he has a live in GF) because their SOs aren't into the things that they're into sexually. Now, how much of this is true, IDK, but I was told that in both instances the SO pulled a bait and switch- basically saying what the other wanted to hear in order to get them. But plenty of people know upfront that they're not sexually compatible and proceed anyway.

I think a lot of people shrug off sexual compatibility citing that it’s not that big of a deal if the other things are in place. That could be true depending on the man, I think. My ex use to say sex was for lust, sluts and jumpoffs not for your wife. So in his case, he needs to marry a slut or jumpoff and not the woman he view as a wife.

Since then I’ve been having a lot of candid discussion with guys I meet on their feelings about sexual chemistry etc. and one guy told me that he has to be with a woman that easily turns him on and who he thought was sexy, oppose to a chick that’s beautiful, pretty or what have you. I believe it’s important to have that level of sexual attraction for each other, not so much a woman having skills and being a freek but moreso dude just being highly turned on.

BINGO! Many of these men want women who are exciting and won't take crap from them. Regarless of how many babies you push out and how good and refined you look. Men don't want what they perceive as doormats who bore them at home. The more I read about it and see it in real life. It's true. Once women get settled in the relationship and start giving up their time and attention to be with him. He's already one foot out the door. Human nature people pure and simple.

Yea I've noticed it more as well, people wonder why some heauxs be getting wifed up the way they do. I guess some men want that thrill and that experience they bring to the table..

 

[diadall]

I once heard one of my good friends remark that the "other woman" usually isn't as pretty as the wife.