Would you be the Other Woman?

[MissJ]

No, but I think someone was trying to turn me into one by pretending he was single. As far as I could see, he was single! He was dumb for that one. Glad I didn't get caught up!

 

[carcajada]

I asked a man that I knew was a cheater this question and essentially his response was "it's cheaper to keep her".

When having this same convo with single guys, I've gotten pretty much that same response.

Not condoning cheating at all, but walking away from a marriage is very different from walking away from relationship.

I agree. Too bad these men don't see that infidelity within a relationship is different than within a marriage as well. *smh*

 

[MissJ]

I know someone who was a mistress. The married man kept telling her that he was leaving his wife after his youngest daughter graduated high school. This girl graduated high school, and the man did not budge. After a few more years, the woman realized that she was just a mistress and that the man was never leaving his wife. She then left him. He got another mistress. This new mistress wore a jheri curl, had no top teeth and had vanity license plates bragging about her hairy legs.

 

[Sosa]

Nope, I'm second to nadie.

I can't imagine ANY woman that I'd be willing to be second to. Psshh...please .

Laughable actually. I think I'd literally bust out laughing in his face at any dude trying to convince ME to be second to his wife . I couldn't even be mad.

Yeah, I wouldn't be the other woman...ain't no way in hades .

 

[MissJ]

Been there done that donated the shirt to goodwill..Its alot deeper than what has been said but for some it can be low self value for others it can be way deeper..I tend not to judge either party since its not my place to wag fingers however it takes two to tango so both parties were codependent on each other.

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

If the wife were that bad, he wouldn't care about hurting her by divorcing her. He's right where he wants to be: living with and loving his wife and using your friend.

 

[MissJ]

I wonder if there is anyone on in LHCF who'd ever admit it to doing it? Nah, don't think so.

In any case, this topic is timely. I do think that it's interesting to see how the dynamics play out. I think men generally look for woman who would probably fall for the okey dokey.

Can people fall in love and out of love? Yes. I do think it happens. I don't think it's as simple as going for the young and dumb, even though it may happen this way the majority of the time.

I also think people get restless, are dealing with rough spots in their lives, have issues, and someone temporarily fills in the gap/pain or is some type of escape.

There's also blatant disregard.

If I were the other woman, I'm not sure why I'd expect him to be with me. Nor would I want him to be with me. How could I trust him to be faithful to me? Seriously. This is the part that I don't get. Contrary to the whole low self-esteem, that's a whole lotta ego right there to think you the best when you've been part of the rest essentially.

There have been threads in the past where people have admitted to being the other woman.

 

[mshoney2u]

Sigh. GoddessMaker You are young, and I am in your corner 500%. I don't want you to think I'm jumping on you, because I'm not. I just don't want you to get confused by what you see.

OK, let's start at the beginning.Men want sex much more than women do. Men want sex with YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL women. Men want sex with MANY women. Marriage to a woman his own age is not providing those things. His wife is the same woman, over and over. His wife has gotten wrinkles and is no longer as young as she once was. That's why he wants to have sex with other women.

Let's address the "Evil abusive wife". Do you think your friend would get naked with him if he said the likely truth: his wife is wrinkly and he wants to smash young puddy? Probably not. He is painting himself as the victim, which is what selfish people usually do to justify their hurtful behavior.

OK, but what if the wife actually is mean to him? If she has been nagging him, why do you think she does it? IF she even is nagging him (most men lie about how horrible the wife is to young dumb jumpoffs) it's probably for good reason! Maybe he is being a selfish, lazy bum in the house, who treats her like Cinderella while he is off spending cash to pay for sex from young girls?

When a man wants sex, he has to either offer 1. a relationship or 2. cold hard cash/expensive gifts. Your friend is young and dumb. She is doing what she KNOWS is wrong. He is using her like a discount prostitute. A pro makes $200 for 30 mins of sex. How much does your friend get?

But because he speaks sweetly to her, while using her like a discount skeet receptacle that passes for "respectful"? No, no ma'am. There is nothing even close to respect going on there.

In ref. to the bold

To be honest men, and I use that term loosely because what we are really talking about here are dogs don't just cheat with a younger women because they want someone younger and more beautiful

Beauty will not sustain a relationship even with an OW but the emotional aspects will.
I think that after years of marriage, people tend to take each other for granted. They get comfortable and lazy.
Stop telling their partners how wonderful they are, or how important they are or how much they mean to them. They stop doing those "little things". They tend to say nothing when things are going well but are very quick to point out each others faults and failures.
When couples stop giving each other positive feedback, self doubt and insecurity set in.

Although guys do not show it or express it well, they have emotional needs too. Younger women look up to older men. They see them as providing wisdom and stability financially, physically and emotionally.
The younger woman needs to feel beautiful, adored and cared for while the older man wants to feel admired, needed and important. For a time, each satisfies the other's desires.

Until the newness wears off, reality sets in, the relationship becomes stale and boring, like with his wife or the other younger women matures. Then he is on to a new younger woman who once again "needs" him and restores his feelings of self worth.

 

[Siren84]

I think some people do it:

*for the excitment.

*because they love the idea of taking what someone else has.

*becasue they do not want the full responsibility of a real relationship.

*becuase they think the guy can't really be that demanding, because she knows that he can't risk the spouse finding out.

It's a shame though. Sorry for your friend.

This pretty much explains the exact things that went through my head when I was that woman. When I was younger (18-20), I didn't give a about whether a man I wanted was single, married or otherwise committed. I was just having fun. If I wanted someone, I'd make it known. I didn't actively seek out committed men, but I didn't turn them away either. It wasn't my relationship so I didn't care. She didn't have anything to do with me & I had no loyalty to any sort of bond. It was never about having some deep relationship with someone. I never expected any man to up and leave his wife for me. I'm not that stupid. I had a couple try to say they were going to, or in the middle of a divorce, or whatever else. Yeah okay. I wasn't trying to get too deeply involved with anybody, single married or otherwise.

People have asked me before whether I had low self-esteem and was looking for a man to make me feel better about myself or whatever. I think if I had low self esteem, I'd have never done any of it. When I did have low self-esteem (HS years), I didn't do any kind of dating at all. As it was, a switch flipped or something and mine ended up being way too high, to where I was cocky as hell. And that mixed with incredibly loose morals? Not a good combination at all. I had all kinds of home training. I knew what was right and wrong and that what I was doing was wrong. But like I said, I just didn't care.

Obviously now I would never do something like that again. I can see that I was totally scandalous and that I used to completely get off on the idea of taking what was someone elses. Even if only for the time-being. Over the last 7 years of growing and being in my own LTRs, I've changed more than I would've ever imagined. And while I do feel bad about the things that I've done, I don't live my life with regrets. I wish there was a way to explain my epiphany but I've never really known what happened. I don't know.

But to answer the actual question: been there, done that, never again.

 

[Makenzie]

This pretty much explains the exact things that went through my head when I was that woman. When I was younger (18-20), I didn't give a about whether a man I wanted was single, married or otherwise committed. I was just having fun. If I wanted someone, I'd make it known. I didn't actively seek out committed men, but I didn't turn them away either. It wasn't my relationship so I didn't care. She didn't have anything to do with me & I had no loyalty to any sort of bond. It was never about having some deep relationship with someone. I never expected any man to up and leave his wife for me. I'm not that stupid. I had a couple try to say they were going to, or in the middle of a divorce, or whatever else. Yeah okay. I wasn't trying to get too deeply involved with anybody, single married or otherwise.

People have asked me before whether I had low self-esteem and was looking for a man to make me feel better about myself or whatever. I think if I had low self esteem, I'd have never done any of it. When I did have low self-esteem (HS years), I didn't do any kind of dating at all. As it was, a switch flipped or something and mine ended up being way too high, to where I was cocky as hell. And that mixed with incredibly loose morals? Not a good combination at all. I had all kinds of home training. I knew what was right and wrong and that what I was doing was wrong. But like I said, I just didn't care.

Obviously now I would never do something like that again. I can see that I was totally scandalous and that I used to completely get off on the idea of taking what was someone elses. Even if only for the time-being. Over the last 7 years of growing and being in my own LTRs, I've changed more than I would've ever imagined. And while I do feel bad about the things that I've done, I don't live my life with regrets. I wish there was a way to explain my epiphany but I've never really known what happened. I don't know.

But to answer the actual question: been there, done that, never again.

@Siren84 Thank you for your honesty. Glad you had your epiphany.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[janda]

Siren84 thanks for your candor and insight.

 

[ladysaraii]

Sigh. GoddessMaker You are young, and I am in your corner 500%. I don't want you to think I'm jumping on you, because I'm not. I just don't want you to get confused by what you see.

OK, let's start at the beginning. Men want sex much more than women do. Men want sex with YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL women. Men want sex with MANY women. Marriage to a woman his own age is not providing those things. His wife is the same woman, over and over. His wife has gotten wrinkles and is no longer as young as she once was. That's why he wants to have sex with other women.

Let's address the "Evil abusive wife". Do you think your friend would get naked with him if he said the likely truth: his wife is wrinkly and he wants to smash young puddy? Probably not. He is painting himself as the victim, which is what selfish people usually do to justify their hurtful behavior.

OK, but what if the wife actually is mean to him? If she has been nagging him, why do you think she does it? IF she even is nagging him (most men lie about how horrible the wife is to young dumb jumpoffs) it's probably for good reason! Maybe he is being a selfish, lazy bum in the house, who treats her like Cinderella while he is off spending cash to pay for sex from young girls?

When a man wants sex, he has to either offer 1. a relationship or 2. cold hard cash/expensive gifts. Your friend is young and dumb. She is doing what she KNOWS is wrong. He is using her like a discount prostitute. A pro makes $200 for 30 mins of sex. How much does your friend get?

But because he speaks sweetly to her, while using her like a discount skeet receptacle that passes for "respectful"? No, no ma'am. There is nothing even close to respect going on there.

 

[mstrublvr]

I found out just last week I was the other woman. Talk about devastated. Guy I was seeing for years married someone else. I thought we were exclusive. So ladies never say never. I swore up and down I would never date a married man either. Sometimes you go through stuff not of your choosing. I now have more empathy for women in those situations. I also prayed to God for forgiveness for something I didn't know I was doing. Needless to say it ended.

Sent from my ADR6300 using ADR6300

 

[runwaydream]

one of my closest and oldest friends confessed to me that she was "the other woman" with a man. he was a newlywed and just had a child. it was disgusting. he was her boss and bought her lots of gifts and money and made increases to her paycheck. she had met the wife and said she was very nice and she liked her.

she said she liked how there wasnt much demand in the relationship. she can just get what she wanted out of the relationship, he can get what he wanted and they were both happy.
well that's what she said initially. but slowly she began to want more and more from him. she began to get jealous and thought of him as hers. she was okay w. him sleeping with his wife but not any other woman. she tried to continue pretending that she was nonchalant about the whole thing but she began to care more and more.

im not sure if they're still sleeping with each other but i know she began to feel guilty and put an end to it. however the money and his persistence sucked her back in . her justification was she was doing the wife a favor by keeping her man happy. and that the wife should be happy bc that she's sleeping with him bc she's keeping him from sleeping w. a bunch of other girls. and that she cares about the wife's feelings. just a bunch of B.S. to make herself feel better about what she's doing.

 

[syze6]

Yeah...I agree there are folks who cross your path, that you may have this huge connection with. The chemisty is unbelievable and you all connect and are so in love, so to speak. This person my finish your sentences and all that. BUT if that person is married to another, HE or SHE is not yours to have!

I don't care how much understanding and commonality you may have, that does not outweigh that fact he or she is MARRIED. Now...if that person is divorced...carry on!Folks get all mesmerized by all the other "complicated" stuff, so that they overlook the obvious. Oh...isn't it always the attached person, you have all this chemistry with. Isn't it designed to be like that, when it's "forbidden". When reality sets in and you have the full responsibility of having he or she to yourself, how wonderful is it then?

ANYONE who is not "in-Love" or want to get out...CAN! All that crap about circumstances and such is just that...crap! If a person feels they have found their "soul mate" they WILL leave the current relationship to be with their "soul mate"...Period!

 

[ThickHair]

im not sure if they're still sleeping with each other but i know she began to feel guilty and put an end to it. however the money and his persistence sucked her back in . her justification was she was doing the wife a favor by keeping her man happy. and that the wife should be happy bc that she's sleeping with him bc she's keeping him from sleeping w. a bunch of other girls. and that she cares about the wife's feelings. just a bunch of B.S. to make herself feel better about what she's doing.

What a sorry justification, wow, you friend is something else.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I definitely agree with the never say never. It happens, feelings get involved and you find yourself in love with a man that suddenly comes off the market.erplexed

I was dating a guy I knew as a friend for years and not to long ago he married his baby momma for "the child". Devastated isnt even the word. He was very persistent in keeping my around as "a friend" but I knew the affection we had toward one another was very inappropriate. I am very proud of myself because within two weeks of him marrying...I got up enough strength to end it on a bad note because I knew that was the only way to keep him away. It hurt like h3ll but it refused to be "the other woman" or responsible for the demise of a marriage.

I found out just last week I was the other woman. Talk about devastated. Guy I was seeing for years married someone else. I thought we were exclusive. So ladies never say never. I swore up and down I would never date a married man either. Sometimes you go through stuff not of your choosing. I now have more empathy for women in those situations. I also prayed to God for forgiveness for something I didn't know I was doing. Needless to say it ended.

Sent from my ADR6300 using ADR6300

 

[BeautifulFlower]

A motivating factor in me ending my very short emotional situation. He tried to explain to me that its for the baby but the facts remain: you married her, you could have but did not marry me. Therefore, I will not allow you to have me and your wife. You choose her, you lose me and that's the end of it.

It was shocking how upset he was about it and how persistent we was to keep me around. He's selfish and loves himself above all, its that simple.

It's easy to look like a “perfect, loving couple” when the relationship is played out in a series of stolen moments here and there. Day-to-day living is the real test of love.

As for "the masses" not understanding, that’s a common thought process for 1) teenagers and 2) grown folks trying to justify their own lack of impulse control. There really is nothing new under the sun. Every person who cheats thinks they are the exception to the rules. It’s such a cliché. The fact is, one cheater is no more unique, special or deep than the millions of other cheaters in the world -- past, present or future. They want what they want when they want it, but don't want the consequences of their actions. Very similar to toddlers.

When you really love someone, you don't behave in ways that dishonor you both and you don't put the one you love in a position to act dishonorably. If this guy really loved the woman he's cheating with, he'd leave his wife and be with her full time. People get divorced for far less than that every day.

Real love doesn't flourish in the shadows. It seeks out the light where it can be celebrated openly. Lies and secrecy are to love what weeds are to a garden.

 

[mstrublvr]

You choose her, you lose me and that's the end of it.

He's selfish and loves himself above all, its that simple.

Exactly..thats the beginning, middle and end of it all.

 

[silenttullip]

I had this come up recently...
If a woman is being neglected by her man
and has the chance to get with a married man
who sends her songs, tells her sweet things, makes her laugh
etc, then that may be why.
I have a guilty heart so I couldn't do it BUT if someone offers
what you lack and desire some may jump at it.
It's rare that "the other woman" doesn't have other men
so it's not like she's expecting to be number 1

 

[R4L]

One of my friends did it b/c she wanted nooky with no strings attached while she was married. Meh. Worked for her for about 8 months. Then she decided to move on. *kanye shrug*

 

[hopeful]

I have a friend I've known since high school and we've grown apart a lot for many reasons. Anyway, a few months ago she told me she was dating a guy who was married. So she knew this straight up and down. There was no mention of him getting a divorce, no bad talk of the wife... nothing. So when she told me this, my blood started to get hot at her total non chalance. She quickly checked me and said "that don't have shyt to do w/ me, I'ma do me" . She just didn't care at all. I kinda wished the wife would find out and beat her arse . She is currently seeing a 46 yr old man and when I googled him, it says he's married. But when I asked her she said he isn't . I wouldn't be surprised if he really is. There really are some women who just don't give a fluck, their moral compass is broken, and they view a married man just as they'd view a single man - it's all fair game .

Your friend is a trifling hot mess. Karma is a trip though, she'll get hers one day.