To all the "Other Women" out there

[tatiana]

Other women can be married women and women with boyfriends too.

I know married man that had a baby on the outside with a married woman. The baby ended both marriages.

 

[MissMasala5]

Did you confront her about this before you cut her off? What did your dh say?

Yes I did, and she tried to play it off like she was there to promote her new business. She said she introduced herself as a friend of both of ours, but I have known those coworkers longer than her and know they wouldn't lie. So when she came up there, they were all like Wtf!?! I don't think they would have made such a big deal if she had really introduced herself as a friend of us both. As for my DH, he was amazed when he found out that she came to the job and flirted with the married coworkers. He didn't complain when I told him that she's history.

 

[MissMasala5]

I am glad to see that there are lots of way to look at these things, from either side. It's not as cut and dried, lots of variations on the same theme I suppose. Some more unique than others, and some more common.

As for this woman I mention in my post, I can only hope that she learns and grows from what happened between us. I don't hate her, and do wish her well in life. She's got lots of smarts and ambitions, and I just hope that she will soon focus on her love for herself, just as some of you ladies pointed out when you were in this situation, or confronted with something similar.

 

[carcajada]

How would you do the research? Are there websites to find out a person's marital status?

How would anyone do research on someone they were dating or wanting to get to know? No one tries to find out about a person other than just taking information from the guy's mouth as gospel truth?

Second question: Yes, you can find marriage licenses and divorce listings by state and county online.

 

[carcajada]

Is she a home wrecker during the time that she was finding out but still went out on dates with him? Most of the time we aren't dating people that are family friends and that sort of thing. If we are meeting strangers, how do you suppose we check this kind of thing out? Run a background check?( I am in college and can't afford that) If i ask you and you say no, and all of your friends say no, what else am i to do. I think it is unfair and wrong to say it is all the womans fault. She isn't committed to anyone, it is the man that is doing the lying. She didn't disrespect thier marriage he did....

What about the woman who doesn't believe in the union of marriage. Is she wrong for disrespecting the union of two people if she doesn't believe in that to begin with? I know plenty of people like this.

Hello. I have a lot to type out, so prepare......

@bolded. That's your opinion and I respect the opinion. However, she will always be completely wrong and her character .... highly questionable in my book.

How can a person with a good conscience even entertain the thought of moving in on someone else's relationship? What makes it so appealing and high on another woman's morality list that this type of behavior is okay? Are there not enough men out there? erplexed

Another thing, we aren't talking about meeting a stranger and then never talking to them again. No need to do ressearch on them. We are talking about women who, for some reason, date men who are already in marriages/relationships. So the only situation that applies is someone who is interested in or is already "talking" to the guy.

Now that I've said that:

While I was in college and FIRST expressed interest in my [now] husband, I found out all I needed to know for free (every guy I dated as an adult, I always took time out to verify who they were). Taking a new guy's word for gospel truth and never checking beyond what he told me has never been an option for me nor should it be for other women out there in this day and age.

It's not hard if you want know who is in your life or who you are entertaining to be in your life. It's not expensive either. I was very active in college and I still did it. That was important to me and it paid off. Note how when things are important to people, they always find solutions. And, because he is an honest person, research on him was a snap.

While doing research, if you finds lots of closed doors and resistance, you've already been given a warning sign....(why would everyone say no to simple questions? I wouldn't give that person the time of day. That would tell me that the guy is not someone I want to introduce to my life or trust enough to be intimate with. Why would someone want a shady guy with shady people around him to be a part of their personal lives? We're not talking about "bootleg cable" type of shady here...)

The importance of "talking" to someone before you actually date comes into play here. No one does that anymore? During this period, you find out what you need to about the person before deciding to even date them. Both people have the choice to proceed into the relationship (or dating phase) or say that they don't want to take things further when they go through a period of "talking."

At any rate, people will make any and every excuse to justify not finding out who is who in their dating world and then wonder why they find themselves in terrible situations.

 

[envybeauty]

It's not hard if you want know who is in your life or who you are entertaining to be in your life. It's not expensive either. I was very active in college and I still did it. That was important to me and it paid off. Note how when things are important to people, they always find solutions. And, because he is an honest person, research on him was a snap.



The importance of "talking" to someone before you actually date comes into play here. No one does that anymore? During this period, you find out what you need to about the person before deciding to even date them. Both people have the choice to proceed into the relationship (or dating phase) or say that they don't want to take things further when they go through a period of "talking."

At any rate, people will make any and every excuse to justify not finding out who is who in their dating world and then wonder why they find themselves in terrible situations.

Dating is different when you are in college as opposed to when you are an adult. The chances of a guy being married at 21 is a LOT less than a guy who is 35. Especially for AA men. Therefore, I believe that this research of the men one dates in college is different than what a woman faces later on in life.

I ask because I know smart, grown women who have been lied to and it was not because they didn't do their research. Shoot. I have helped them do online research while dating the guy. They have been in their homes, they have traveled with them on long trips, etc. ..and all that time no flags were raised. .... until they got a phone call or something out of the ordinary.

Also, I think people are quick to go into a dating mode a lot faster today than before. With all the online dating websites (eHarmony, etc), a lot of women meet John and they set up dates. They don't become friends first because they didn't pay $30/month for a dating site only to find friends. They jump into dating mode because that is what they are paying for.

Second question: Yes, you can find marriage licenses and divorce listings by state and county online.

I would appreciate you providing a link to a state that provides marriage license listings. I have not seen one. I don't doubt that states do this, but I am not talking about Utah or Wyoming...but more like California, Maryland, New York, Florida...the major states. I have yet to see one but I would like to see what terms they use, how they present the information (do they provide scanned copies of the licenses, do they list the wife's name or do they just say that yes, John's status is married).

 

[motherx2esq]

Dating is different when you are in college as opposed to when you are an adult. The chances of a guy being married at 21 is a LOT less than a guy who is 35. Especially for AA men. Therefore, I believe that this research of the men one dates in college is different than what a woman faces later on in life.

I ask because I know smart, grown women who have been lied to and it was not because they didn't do their research. Shoot. I have helped them do online research while dating the guy. They have been in their homes, they have traveled with them on long trips, etc. ..and all that time no flags were raised. .... until they got a phone call or something out of the ordinary.

Also, I think people are quick to go into a dating mode a lot faster today than before. With all the online dating websites (eHarmony, etc), a lot of women meet John and they set up dates. They don't become friends first because they didn't pay $30/month for a dating site only to find friends. They jump into dating mode because that is what they are paying for.





I would appreciate you providing a link to a state that provides marriage license listings. I have not seen one. I don't doubt that states do this, but I am not talking about Utah or Wyoming...but more like California, Maryland, New York, Florida...the major states. I have yet to see one but I would like to see what terms they use, how they present the information (do they provide scanned copies of the licenses, do they list the wife's name or do they just say that yes, John's status is married).

You can go on any state's website and get a copy of licenses they are public record. You may have to pay for them you may not but you CAN obtain a copy. I do a check on EVERY man I date. Criminal and background. Sorry to many of US are coming up missing to just go and date Joe Blow. And yes men of all races can get married young. I have friends who at 30 are on their second marriage. My dad was 19 and in collage when he and my mother married. My good friend I grew up with 23 when he and his wife married so it is not that far fetched.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Yes I did, and she tried to play it off like she was there to promote her new business. She said she introduced herself as a friend of both of ours, but I have known those coworkers longer than her and know they wouldn't lie. So when she came up there, they were all like Wtf!?! I don't think they would have made such a big deal if she had really introduced herself as a friend of us both. I called her on it, she was just like, "oh well, OK, sorry you feel that way about it" after every thing I said, which got my pressure way up. That was that. I haven't heard from her since. As for my DH, he was amazed when he found out that she came to the job and flirted with the married coworkers. He didn't complain when I told him that she's history.

What an ugly heifer! I would've beat her ass after the bolded, lol.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

How would anyone do research on someone they were dating or wanting to get to know? No one tries to find out about a person other than just taking information from the guy's mouth as gospel truth?

Second question: Yes, you can find marriage licenses and divorce listings by state and county online.

@ the bolded: Um, no. LOL. If you have to ask around about a guy that you just met, what's the point of getting to know him yourself? Ask the guy if he's married/in a relationship, etc. Furthermore, if you can't or don't believe him, then you should keep it moving.

@ the pink: Why would you want to do that? LMAO. If you can't or don't believe him amd feel the need to go snooping online, then you should keep it moving. Why be bothered at all?

 

[motherx2esq]

@ the bolded: Um, no. LOL. If you have to ask around about a guy that you just met, what's the point of getting to know him yourself? Ask the guy if he's married/in a relationship, etc. Furthermore, if you can't or don't believe him, then you should keep it moving.

@ the pink: Why would you want to do that? LMAO. If you can't or don't believe him amd feel the need to go snooping online, then you should keep it moving. Why be bothered at all?

So everything he tells you you go with it? I'm not saying he's lying but I would not just take his word for it just like I would not take my daughter's word for it if she says they have no more school until next year. It's called double checking.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

So everything he tells you you go with it? I'm not saying he's lying but I would not just take his word for it just like I would not take my daughter's word for it if she says they have no more school until next year. It's called double checking.

Hell no that's not what I'm saying!

If your daughter tells you that there is no more school for the rest of the year, then you should pop her in the mouth for lying...

If a man tells you the equivalent, or something that you should know better than to believe, then you should keep it moving. Why waste your time checking if what he's telling you is not adding up, is my point.

 

[motherx2esq]

Hell no that's not what I'm saying!

If your daughter tells you that there is no more school for the rest of the year, then you should pop her in the mouth for lying...

If a man tells you the equivalent, or something that you should know better than to believe, then you should keep it moving. Why waste your time checking if what he's telling you is not adding up, is my point.

But how would you know he is lying if he says he is not married? If you two go on dates, you can call his phone (house or cell), or any other thing that most married but dating men do? I'm just asking because most women do not find out until several dates or a call or visit from his wife. It is not always that black and white. If it were some women would not get in that situation.

To the bolded about my daughter, she is 6 and gets things wrong. They are out for mid winter break and she thought this was the end of the school year. It's not always about assuming that it's a lie. It's about making sure the story is correct. So popping her in the mouth about a misunderstanding of fact would be stupid.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

But how would you know he is lying if he says he is not married? If you two go on dates, you can call his phone (house or cell), or any other thing that most married but dating men do? I'm just asking because most women do not find out until several dates or a call or visit from his wife. It is not always that black and white. If it were some women would not get in that situation.

To the bolded about my daughter, she is 6 and gets things wrong. They are out for mid winter break and she thought this was the end of the school year. It's not always about assuming that it's a lie. It's about making sure the story is correct. So popping her in the mouth about a misunderstanding of fact would be stupid.

Re: the 1st paragraph- If a man tells you he is unmarried and you want to go play detective, then go ahead. It makes you look looney. If you cannot believe what he tells you or want to "double check", then you should really keep it moving. That's the last time that I'm going to say this, lol.



Re: the 2nd paragraph- You didn't say your daughter misunderstood in your initial post. So if she misunderstood and did not lie, then there is no reason to pop her in the mouth, but please note that your daughter misunderstanding and a man being clear about not being married are two very different situations. Even though I would recommend popping him in the mouth if he did lie.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Re: the 1st paragraph- If a man tells you he is unmarried and you want to go play detective, then go ahead. It makes you look looney. If you cannot believe what he tells you or want to "double check", then you should really keep it moving. That's the last time that I'm going to say this, lol.



Re: the 2nd paragraph- You didn't say your daughter misunderstood in your initial post. So if she misunderstood and did not lie, then there is no reason to pop her in the mouth, but please note that your daughter misunderstanding and a man being clear about not being married are two very different situations. Even though I would recommend popping him in the mouth if he did lie.

P.S.- If you have to check, double check, re-check, or check up on your man or a potential man, do you not see something wrong in this picture?

 

[motherx2esq]

P.S.- If you have to check, double check, re-check, or check up on your man or a potential man, do you not see something wrong in this picture?

A guy you're dating does not = your man and I need to know whom I'm dating. Just like you would check out a company you are going to work for, I'm checking out the person I'm dating.

 

[motherx2esq]

Re: the 1st paragraph- If a man tells you he is unmarried and you want to go play detective, then go ahead. It makes you look looney. If you cannot believe what he tells you or want to "double check", then you should really keep it moving. That's the last time that I'm going to say this, lol.



Re: the 2nd paragraph- You didn't say your daughter misunderstood in your initial post. So if she misunderstood and did not lie, then there is no reason to pop her in the mouth, but please note that your daughter misunderstanding and a man being clear about not being married are two very different situations. Even though I would recommend popping him in the mouth if he did lie.

And believing his every words makes one looks?

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

And believing his every words makes one looks?

Stupid.

When have I refuted this? erplexed

ETA: Or advocated believing his every word? The moral of my story was be smart and not waste your time if/when you see red flags.

 

[deltagyrl]

ITA with this

To go futher, I also think that a man that cheats or is a serial cheater as a fear of intimacy and that is because of his lack of self-esteem. He feels like he can't put all his trust into ONE woman because he's not good enough.

Saved me some keystrokes. Now I can go back to lurking.

 

[envybeauty]

You can go on any state's website and get a copy of licenses they are public record. You may have to pay for them you may not but you CAN obtain a copy. I do a check on EVERY man I date. Criminal and background. Sorry to many of US are coming up missing to just go and date Joe Blow. And yes men of all races can get married young. I have friends who at 30 are on their second marriage. My dad was 19 and in collage when he and my mother married. My good friend I grew up with 23 when he and his wife married so it is not that far fetched.

I am going to look into this....by picking a state. I didn't realize states provided this info.

I didn't say it was far fetched. I said it is not common for a 21 year old man to be married today...especially if he is in college.

 

[MrsBKJ]

I am going to look into this....by picking a state. I didn't realize states provided this info.

I didn't say it was far fetched. I said it is not common for a 21 year old man to be married today...especially if he is in college.

I know you can do this because my partner gave me the link to his divorce as soon as it was finalised.

Uzz

 

[cocoberry10]

Basically women that make that statement and accept those men have no sense of self worth and low self esteem.

They say "men smell desperation in a woman, like a dog smells fear."

Somehow, I think women who "ALWAYS" attract married men (basically unavailable men) are giving off a vibe that invites this type of man into her life. Kind of a law of attraction thing.

I think most women have attracted married men, but if you don't date married men (which I don't and never would), you know how to brush their advances off. Women who date married men truly do invite these men into their lives. What business do I have with another woman's husband?

 

[cocoberry10]

I've never been the other women (at least not that I knew of) but a guy friend to that he prefers married women because they buy him stuff and they don't want any commitment. They just want to hit it then go back to their boring life and they are willing to take good care of him to keep that arrangement.

Another married guy I knew wanted me to be the other woman. When I told him no way no how, he called me naive. He said married people have affairs all the time, that's just how it is. A man can't be expected to be with one woman for ever.....

That's BS. There are plenty of faithful people. And sadly, there are plenty of cheating dogs!

 

[cocoberry10]

Some families teach that.

Sadly, Dlewis is right!

blame the married men and not the women. society needs to stop blaming the woman. a woman cannot get with a man if he doesn't want to stick it to her. literally.

I agree with you nvybeauty to a point. However, as a single woman, I consider it my "civic duty" not to have relationships with someone else's husband. Yes, he took the vows, but I have respect for the institution of marriage, and I'm not going to participate in ruining someone elses life. My parents have been married forever, and I respect what they have, and I wouldn't ruin that for someone else!

 

[cocoberry10]

I don't get it. I am insulted if a married man tries to get with me. Pretty much what he is saying is that "I think that you are a slut who will settle for a little piece of a relationship and believe all my lies because you are stupid and don't deserve any better."

:thatsall:

 

[cocoberry10]

I can appreciate what you are saying. I definitely think it's the man who took the vows that is more responsible. However, it's just as important for me as an individual not to fall into that trap. I have to see myself as more than that. And a lot of women will say, "it's convenient," etc. The truth is, if you want a "no strings attached" relationship, there are plenty of single men out there, happy to oblige.

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

 

[cocoberry10]

Not to burst your bubble, but it really is a self esteem thing, whether some of these women realize it or not. A lot of women will say, "it's convenient," etc. However, why do these women want what you call "power?" through being involved with an attached man? The answer to that is b/c somewhere inside themselves they feel "powerless," so being able to have someone that is really in a relationship with someone else, makes them feel "powerful" or "important." Once again, that's a self esteem problem. I also think it's a not living in reality problem. It's like, if you really looked at it, why would you want someone else's man? Would you go to a restaurant and have someone else's food that they've already started eating? Absolutely not! You are paying to dine! Rather than asking "if the wife's all that, why is he here with me, why not ask, "if I'm all that, why aren't there a gazillion non-married guys chasing me?" Or, "if I'm all that, he would ditch his wife in a heartbeat to be with me!" A lot of women "trick" themselves, even the ones who come across as arrogant and not caring.

I've also known women who are the "other woman," and most of the time, it's not a pretty picture. These women aren't as often treated as well as we would think. The man is not always showering them with gifts, in fact, a few I know pay for their "dates". What kind of crap is that. For darn sure, if I'm going to sell my soul, I'm getting the best baby!

The truth is, if you want a "no strings attached" relationship, there are plenty of single men out there, happy to oblige. So you still don't need to go after someone else's husband!

Low self-esteem? Hmmmm..... dunno about that. For some, it's more like a "power" thang. Control perhaps. Especially if its a "No strings attached" kind of a relationship, the female is not looking for the "happily ever after" and has little to no compassion for the little woman at home, 'cos she thinks that if the marriage was all that terrific he wouldn't be there with her and she didn't tell him to make the decision to break his marriage covenant. IMO, a marriage should always "THRIVE" and not be simply a "ball & chain" with the idea that the man is "suppose" to be faithful and vice versa. The "relationship between Husband & Wife should always be thriving with communication, love, support, fights, make up sex, discussions, etc.

I have friends that have been in all kinds of relationship circumstances that I wouldn't personally want to be in, but I don't judge them, however I do caution some.

 

[cocoberry10]

What about a woman who becomes involved in a relationship with a man that she didn't know was married? By the time she finds out (whether by him informing her or otherwise...) she's already emotionally invested in him and their "relationship". Can she be blamed then?

I think it's somewhat different, but not forever. I feel sorry for women in this position, b/c it's like they got fooled. She can't be blamed before she knows, but she can be blamed for her actions, if she continues to see him (but not blamed for her feelings, those can't just be shaken). If you love someone, it's hard to break from them, but sometimes, that's the only option you have!

 

[cocoberry10]

She can only be responsible for what she knows, so if she breaks it off after she learned the truth, I can't blame her for anything...

And like other said, it's actually the married man who is responsible for his marriage, not strange women out there...

Some women have never been treated well by any man and thinks this is as good as it gets.

ITA with this!

 

[discobiscuits]

What is it about married/attached men that makes it so easy or desirable to get with them?

I have a GF that recently complained to me that she is a married man magnet. She has been seeing a married man on and off for several years, and was involved with a man that lived with another woman for a while. She was not able to explain what it was all about, and is trying to figure it out for herself, too. But it always works out that way: the men who hit on her and who she will talk to-- all of them are hooked up with another woman. What's going on here?

That's a negative affirmation if ever I heard one...
Low self esteem is the root of this problem.
Apparently, some women don't see themselves as good enough to have a man of their own. They figure they'd rather be number two, than nothing at all..erplexed

FlowerHair I could not disagree with you more. I have exceptionally high self esteem & I know my value and worth in my eyes & God's eyes. However, I too am a "married man magnet", so-to-speak. Men of all kinds have been hitting on me since I was 17 but the majority of them since my 20's have been married.

EVERY single one of them I asked why they chose to approach me and attempt to involve me in an illicit affair and all responded similarly. They liked my personality, I'm mature, I have a positive attitude, of course they find me physically/sexually attractive (that is a given), I'm intelligent, well spoken, well read, able to converse intelligently on many subjects (all falling under intellectually stimulating), and the list goes on. They all also said they knew I'd say no but they wanted to try anyway.

Of the married or attached men who have tried to get at me, each one's home situation was different. One had a wife who was cheating on him and she eventually left him and their sons for another COUPLE to live the swinger/multiple partner lifestyle. One was very happily married and no intention of leaving his wife, he was just bored sexually and wanted something new (yes, he told me that up front from jump). One was miserable but flat out said he can't leave her because he would lose too much financially. Another said I had what his lady lacked and she had what I lacked and together he'd have one whole woman (??????) -he really said that-.

So you see, low self esteem is NOT what makes a woman a MMM. It is the man's lack of integrity and no commitment to fidelity that causes him to attempt to stray. Additionally, this is in NO WAY a justification for their behavior, but in some cases their SO is not doing what she should at home (as the Bible tells men AND women to do in their marriages) and that gives the devil an opportunity to tempt people who are then drawn away of their own lusts. And the saying goes: what one woman won't do another will (can someone say Karrine Stephans?)

Don't get me started on married women who fall in this category:

2Tim 3:6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts



ETA:

I don't get it. I am insulted if a married man tries to get with me. Pretty much what he is saying is that "I think that you are a slut who will settle for a little piece of a relationship and believe all my lies because you are stupid and don't deserve any better."

...as a single woman, I consider it my "civic duty" not to have relationships with someone else's husband. Yes, he took the vows, but I have respect for the institution of marriage, and I'm not going to participate in ruining someone else's life...

Let me also add 1. ITA w/ both of the above posts. ^^^^ 2. All of the married men that have hit on me are so-called Christians (I'm not them so I can't speak on their spiritual walk). So I hit them with the Word and some of them have thanked me for that, others told me I was naïve and for me to get real or get with the program and grow up and not be so idealistic and unrealistic others told me to go to hell w/ all that.

 

[discobiscuits]

LOL i guess i "killed" this thread! ROTFL.