What you should never share with him...

[Fine 4s]

What say you?

1. # of intimate partners? EVER?
2. Male 'friends' that you know are interested in you? Would you ID them or give names? EVER?
3. Salary EARLY STAGES?
4. Assets EARLY STAGES?
5. Exes that you still keep in touch with? Would you ID them or give names? EVER?
6. Pregnant before but no kids to show *gulp* EVER?
7. STDs/STIs EARLY STAGES?
8. Worked in the sex industry EVER?
9. Born with a different sex other than what you portray Hmmm...?
10. Mental illness (bipolar or anything else under control with meds) EARLY STAGES?
11. If you've ever cheated on anyone...even if it was 20 years ago. EVER?
12. Anything else?

Does how much you share depend on the level of the relationship? dating, SO, DH? What information should a woman always keep close to her heart?

Spill it!

 

[ladysaraii]

Do you really mean never or do you mean in the early dating stages b/c several of these sound like some important disclosures....

 

[Fine 4s]

Good question and that's what I had hoped to address with the 'levels' of dating.
I'll add the disclaimer to the OP.

I'm assuming you would have to share some asset/salary info with your husband....

 

[gabulldawg]

Never share specifics about your sex life! That would including some of the things on your list.

 

[sj10460]

What say you?

1. # of intimate partners?
2. Male 'friends' that you know are interested in you? Would you ID them or give names?
3. Salary
4. Assets
5. Exes that you still keep in touch with? Would you ID them or give names?
6. Pregnant before but no kids to show *gulp*
7. STDs/STIs
8. Worked in the sex industry
9. Born with a different sex other than what you portray
10. Mental illness (bipolar or anything else under control with meds)
11. If you've ever cheated on anyone...even if it was 20 years ago.
12. Anything else?

Does how much you share depend on the level of the relationship? dating, SO, DH? What information should a woman always keep close to her heart?

Spill it!

I would share and have discussed this with my SO all except one. He tells me he's only been with a certain number of women but I know he's a darn liar. I would never tell him how many men I've slept with. Also, I don't care about his previous STD's as long as he's disease free before we color. And yup, he showed me his test results and we both get tested regularly and share.

Mental illness is super important. I raid medicine cabinets, glove departments, dressers, draws, etc.

 

[chelseatiara]

What say you?

1. # of intimate partners?
2. Male 'friends' that you know are interested in you? Would you ID them or give names?
3. Salary
4. Assets
5. Exes that you still keep in touch with? Would you ID them or give names?
6. Pregnant before but no kids to show *gulp*
7. STDs/STIs
8. Worked in the sex industry
9. Born with a different sex other than what you portray
10. Mental illness (bipolar or anything else under control with meds)
11. If you've ever cheated on anyone...even if it was 20 years ago.
12. Anything else?

Does how much you share depend on the level of the relationship? dating, SO, DH? What information should a woman always keep close to her heart?

Spill it!

While dating I think one should share 7,8, 9 and 11. Before marriage/while engaged I think the rest should be at least discussed. Both parties have a right to know this information before making a life commitment IMO

 

[Fine 4s]

Has anyone avoided a backlash with revealing #11?
I'm not sure about that one....

 

[faithVA]

I think 6 to 11 should be shared at the point I decided I wanted to have a serious relationship with the person. If I share honest information and the person isn't receptive, it's not the relationship for me.

Most men don't want to know about exes, etc. They would know I had some and I think that is enough.

Not sharing a mental illness makes no sense. So you go off your meds and I'm clueless as to whats wrong with you.

Relationships with too many secrets require too much work for me.

 

[Fine 4s]

So faithVA you would share #11?
I would be afraid that he would think he can't trust me.
It seems to me that men don't handle this type of info well. But you make an interesting point that if the information is not received with support then perhaps that person/relationship isn't for you...food for thought!

 

[sj10460]

Has anyone avoided a backlash with revealing #11?
I'm not sure about that one....

I've never cheated on anyone but I have friends that have cheated and been open with it to their partners, both men and women.

 

[faithVA]

So faithVA you would share #11?
I would be afraid that he would think he can't trust me.
It seems to me that men don't handle this type of info well. But you make an interesting point that if the information is not received with support then perhaps that person/relationship isn't for you...food for thought!

Yes I would. Your next statement is key "I would be afraid". I don't like being afraid in my relationships. That's just my choice and something that has evolved over the years. If I'm hiding that information its because I think you won't like me or accept me. However, I want my partner to know me flaws and all. If we can't talk through this, then he isn't the one for me because I'm done hiding.

When I was twenty something, no I wouldn't have share it. And I understand why people don't. It's just not for me.

 

[CarLiTa]

What kind of value or insight would #11 bring to the existing relationship?

Unless you were married before and that were the cause of the divorce, I don't get what the new person is supposed to do with that information.

 

[LiftedUp]

What kind of value or insight would #11 bring to the existing relationship?

Unless you were married before and that were the cause of the divorce, I don't get what the new person is supposed to do with that information.

I always ask #11. It goes under character assessment for me. #11 is asked even before I agree to be in a relationship

 

[Fine 4s]

I always ask #11. It goes under character assessment for me. #11 is asked even before I agree to be in a relationship

What does a person who's cheated in he past tell you about your relationship potential or about his character? Does this mean that anyone who'se cheated is not for you?
Is stealing the same for you? Even if they stole from a vending machine or snuck into a movie?Does the age or circumstances when the incidences occurred matter to you? Sorry for all the questions!

 

[AyannaDivine]

#10 MUST be shared! Mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed of or keep from someone you're in a relationship with. The rest is none of his business

 

[LiftedUp]

What does a person who's cheated in he past tell you about your relationship potential or about his character? Does this mean that anyone who'se cheated is not for you?
Is stealing the same for you? Even if they stole from a vending machine or snuck into a movie?Does the age or circumstances when the incidences occurred matter to you? Sorry for all the questions!

I ask a long list of questions, not all at once

Once a cheater is always a cheater in my book. I need a person who is committed to our relationship, not one who considers stepping out as an option when the going gets tough; and in many cases, past behaviour dictates future behaviour.

Cheating has so many implications: std's, outside children, broken trust, broken relationships/marriages etc.

Stealing gum at age 5 will not have those implications unless it parlayed into you becoming a career bandit.

 

[Fine 4s]

#10 MUST be shared! Mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed of or keep from someone you're in a relationship with. The rest is none of his business

Ur siggy!!!! LMAO!!!!

I can see people with mild stuff hiding it...seems like people are getting diagnosed with stuff every other day. "oh yeah, I'm bipolar." What about OCD meds? I remember having a convo with one guy who on day ONE told me he was on meds. That was the last convo. But that was also almost 20 years ago.

 

[sj10460]

I ask a long list of questions, not all at once

Once a cheater is always a cheater in my book. I need a person who is committed to our relationship, not one who considers stepping out as an option when the going gets tough; and in many cases, past behaviour dictates future behaviour.

Cheating has so many implications: std's, outside children, broken trust, broken relationships/marriages etc.

I agree mostly with this except the once a cheater always a cheater. I believe different people bring out different things in you and based on how you value that person/relationship is a direct reflective in how you treat them. I always ask if someone's cheated because like you've stated, it tells a lot about the person's character and behavior. For me, I care about why the person cheated more than the act of cheating itself. I like to know the rational behind their actions because it gives you an insight on how the person thinks and compartmentalize things.

 

[ladysaraii]

What say you?

1. # of intimate partners? EVER?
2. Male 'friends' that you know are interested in you? Would you ID them or give names? EVER?
3. Salary EARLY STAGES?
4. Assets EARLY STAGES?
5. Exes that you still keep in touch with? Would you ID them or give names? EVER?
6. Pregnant before but no kids to show *gulp* EVER?
7. STDs/STIs EARLY STAGES?
8. Worked in the sex industry EVER?
9. Born with a different sex other than what you portray Hmmm...?
10. Mental illness (bipolar or anything else under control with meds) EARLY STAGES?
11. If you've ever cheated on anyone...even if it was 20 years ago. EVER?
12. Anything else?

Does how much you share depend on the level of the relationship? dating, SO, DH? What information should a woman always keep close to her heart?

Spill it!

1. no
2. no
3. no, but eventually
4. no, but eventually
5. I don't kep in contact w/ exes, but we would need to talk about it so we are on the same page. I would expect to know the info from him
6. probably not unless it was relevant
7. Early as in pre-coloring stages, no. If we're considering coloring, yes, we need to have a convo and testing
8. I would want to know
9. Yes. i would want to know that info early on. like before anything phsyical happened
10. yes, I would need to know that around relationship time. That's not a fair thing to hide.
11. Like was stated above, yes I would reveal the info and ask the question

I understand people wanting to keep secrets or not be judged, but marriage ain't a game. If I'm going to be joined with you, I need to know what skeletons lie in the closet

 

[Solila]

Has anyone avoided a backlash with revealing #11?
I'm not sure about that one....

I will blatantly ask. When he starts telling the story, I then have better understanding of his character and this could very well be a deal breaker. Especially when its not adding up and you find that you're heading back to question #1.

 

[CaraWalker]

quite frankly im sharing no personal details until deep in the relationship. for at least six months were sticking to strictly personality based discussion and exploration and then we can go from there.

number of partners - psych. im at three forever, bro

salary - need to know basis

i aint NEEEEEBA telling you i want to bone your friend

prior medical history excluding stds - nanny ya biness.

basically a womans heart is like an ocean... decided there are parts of me i simply dont give away anymore.

 

[AyannaDivine]

Ur siggy!!!! LMAO!!!!

I can see people with mild stuff hiding it...seems like people are getting diagnosed with stuff every other day. "oh yeah, I'm bipolar." What about OCD meds? I remember having a convo with one guy who on day ONE told me he was on meds. That was the last convo. But that was also almost 20 years ago.

Hmm I didn't consider OCD and other "non aggressive" disorders. Now I have to rethink my answer!

I should also clarify, I do think Std status should be shared if its something you currently have like herpes or HIV/AIDS.

 

[CaraWalker]

when it comes to cheating, it really depends on the relationship and what sort of conversation we are having around it.

i cheated once, but i did it to get out of the relationship. so you might be tempted to think im not a cheater, im just a coward. but that would be a wrong conclusion. it tells you nothing about my propensity to cheat because honestly its completely situation dependent i could be dating a guy who makes me feel like i never even want to cheat on him or a guy who inspires something totally different that one way or another makes me feel like i could sleep with someone else and never feel the need to tell him.

generally though, i dont like lying, so i wouldnt cheat purely because i wouldnt want to bother with lying about it. so idk, asking me about cheating - depending on the conversation, and the circumstances of the relationship, there is nothing to learn from it.

re: mental illness and medical history. i actually dont have a problem sharing this kind of information, but i would never feel OBLIGATED to share it. if i dont want to, im not going to, and wouldnt feel that i had to. basically when it comes to relationships i only feel theres a moral obligation to share things that could impact or change the circumstances of his life. most of the things in the op would be my personal business where i cant see any valid argument for having to share them in a relationship.

for some reason people feel like they are not being honest and sincere in a relationship unless they are telling that person every single thing about them. in america we perpetuate this myth about "i told you all my secrets" so our relationship is special or "you knew things about me that nobody else does" like that matters its not a logical conclusion to me that just because you share a lot of things with someone that automatically makes the relationship any closer. it might be a milennial thing or something idk, but its like we lost any connection to the concept of "privacy." i feel very strongly about having a "private" inner/emotional life that nobody "deserves" to have access to for any reason. its not "hiding" anything. it's not keeping secrets. "private information" is not equivalent to a "secret."

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Something that happened 20 years ago does not need to be shared unless that fool is the type to come back in your face with slick comments (like at a HS reunion in front of people you don't want to know).

Remember Rose from Titanic she never told!! .

If you have concerns about fidelity then ask the real questions but someone that is up to games will not answer did you ever cheat affirmatively.

 

[ladysaraii]

when it comes to cheating, it really depends on the relationship and what sort of conversation we are having around it.

i cheated once, but i did it to get out of the relationship. so you might be tempted to think im not a cheater, im just a coward. but that would be a wrong conclusion. it tells you nothing about my propensity to cheat because honestly its completely situation dependent i could be dating a guy who makes me feel like i never even want to cheat on him or a guy who inspires something totally different that one way or another makes me feel like i could sleep with someone else and never feel the need to tell him.

generally though, i dont like lying, so i wouldnt cheat purely because i wouldnt want to bother with lying about it. so idk, asking me about cheating - depending on the conversation, and the circumstances of the relationship, there is nothing to learn from it.

re: mental illness and medical history. i actually dont have a problem sharing this kind of information, but i would never feel OBLIGATED to share it. if i dont want to, im not going to, and wouldnt feel that i had to. basically when it comes to relationships i only feel theres a moral obligation to share things that could impact or change the circumstances of his life. most of the things in the op would be my personal business where i cant see any valid argument for having to share them in a relationship.

for some reason people feel like they are not being honest and sincere in a relationship unless they are telling that person every single thing about them. in america we perpetuate this myth about "i told you all my secrets" so our relationship is special or "you knew things about me that nobody else does" like that matters its not a logical conclusion to me that just because you share a lot of things with someone that automatically makes the relationship any closer. it might be a milennial thing or something idk, but its like we lost any connection to the concept of "privacy." i feel very strongly about having a "private" inner/emotional life that nobody "deserves" to have access to for any reason. its not "hiding" anything. it's not keeping secrets. "private information" is not equivalent to a "secret."

mental illness impact or change the circumstances of my life. I'd expect to be told as I have a right to make an informed decision

 

[CaraWalker]

its not a concern for me personally as i have no mental illness, and i would fail to see how my partners mental illness would affect me (other than emotionally which the relationship itself would be doing by definition anyway) unless he was a homicidal schizophrenic. in which case i would like to know about that.

 

[DayStar]

Previous abortions, STDs and if u are a man.

You should share these BTW!!

 

[hothair]

Guess I share too much. Everything relevant to me on that list I shared with DH. Also had his details down pat before we married so when the SILs were trying to be slick with some info on exes I helped by "correcting" their timeline and details. They never tried that mess again.

I even know his highschool gfs and crushes

 

[Urban]

Yeh, mental illness would be a must because I'd like to know if he had one. Even if it was "just" OCD meds he was taking. The fact that he's taking them means that it was something that was having impact on his daily functioning ... and has the potential to do so again (i.e. the effect of the meds ware off, he stops taking them for some reason etc).

If someone didn't tell me and I found out much later, it would be over, as I would look at that as being deceptive. Whereas if they had told me earlier and let me make an informed decision, then I may have made a different decision.

 

[CaraWalker]

mental illness isnt a dealbreaker for me, and i feel people have the right to their privacy, so its just not something id trip over.