Trend Among Girlfriends

You have to know yourself. Putting my personal dreams on hold for a man would = resentment FOR ME (We gon' be a power couple darn it, lol). It would be the dream for another woman. Know thyself and act accordingly.

Life comes with a bunch of calculated risks in love, career etc. you just have to know what you're willing to compromise in the process.
 
I would never do this without being married. And even then, it would be very hard and I would need to be able to work on my career while there as well.

Most of these women are wasting their time. When the relationship is over, they will have to always wonder where they would be if they had worked on their own goals instead of chasing a bad bet during that time.
 
Kimbosheart said:
The cycle of the rich white male continues. When I was in law school I saw this happening. And when you don't have to cook, clean, and your family and those around you support you financially it is very easy to do the studying necessary to make top grades, get on law review boards, network and gain great internships and scholarships. All these things add up to give you a slight advantage/ a slight privilege in the moment and then a huge privilege once you graduate and get that top job in your legal area. In my experience most of these men married these women right away, some right after the 1L year which can really set you up for success in law school. So if these women were protecting their investments that was very smart of them. Some of the wives of my classmates did go onto to dental school or medical school as they planned and had babies. Probably with little student loan debt as they had a partner in a high paying field. Even if the marriage and family doesn't last for an eternity, I cannot be mad at the way they are setting themselves and their offspring up for success.

This is one of those areas in my life where I don't have regrets. I just realize that I may not have approached this in the smartest way.
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This! Many nurses I know downgrade to part time, pier diem, and some have even become housewives. They climb up the ladder and work hard, but once they get married or have the first child...Peace out!
 
kanozas said:
Guys like that are helping themselves of free labour and will readily move on when they've moved up (often including the one they marry while they are forming their careers). Never help a man up. His arse should be UP when you meet him.
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The typical black rhetoric around this is different, though. You can see it in your post too... It assumes the man has got nothing and that the girlfriend will literally be "working to put him through school" whereas the ways I've seen/heard about it with other cultures (black too, actually) is that the man's schooling is funded (partially or completely) either by himself or by the school, and the girl is tagging along for the move. She's working, too, but she's not -financially- supporting him. She's just making it easier for the relationship to survive because they don't have to do long-distance visits, and she can help him alleviate the stress of school.

The best way I can think of this in my own life is what my mother did for me and my sister when we were prepping for college:lol: whenever we had a difficult exam coming up, or spending hours on college applications, she'd make sure that we had all the lovely snacks we needed for when we take breaks, and then over the weekend she would cook our favorite meals. So it wasn't direct support like reading my papers/essays but the kind of emotional support that made it easier for me and my sister to focus on what we had to do to get stuff done. When I look back on those years, man... my mother is amazing:love:

I actually hear anecdotes like this where the guy supports the woman. My boyfriend's parents are an example of this. I've also made an acquaintance over the last few months and she's like "yeah my husband helps me on this multiple times a week."

I also come across similar anecdotes on online forums... a man will say: first and foremost I'd like to thank my wife for bearing with me on X. If anything she's become an expert at it because she was always willing to do mock interviews with me, yada yada.

In all cases, it's a joint decision... Maybe that's why these people look happy with their decisions... there's no question that each person's part in the struggle is valuable. Maybe.
 
Ive never heard of or seen people do it. I know of situations where while they're waiting to get into school, take an exam, get a job they stay at home or work part time but full on stay at home full time(or working some measly job) with no plans whatsoever of changing that? and to move out of town with him to sit at home on my hands or working a part time while he gets his degree? thats very odd.
The ones i know who do it temporarily are Indians and usually she's waiting on her papers... he gets to the country before her then files for her to come over. Generally speaking of course.
And the couple i knew of first hand she has a PhD back in India!
 
sweetvi said:
This! Many nurses I know downgrade to part time, pier diem, and some have even become housewives. They climb up the ladder and work hard, but once they get married or have the first child...Peace out!
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@sweetvi

Thats because the job of nursing is and can be physically and mentally demanding and stressful. Most nurses are tired of nursing and will do anything else for a relief. especially if the husband has a good job, I bet most of them are like "I don't have to put up with this **** anymore! I'm out!"
 
dancinstallion said:
@sweetvi

Thats because the job of nursing is and can be physically and mentally demanding and stressful. Most nurses are tired of nursing and will do anything else for a relief. especially if the husband has a good job, I bet most of them are like "I don't have to put up with this **** anymore! I'm out!"
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This is so true. I've dropped my fte and plotting another one. Mgmt is stupid and patients can make you hate them. Nursing and being an educator are a few of the most thankless jobs.
 
I saw this a lot in business school and the vast majority ended up as wives. I would 80% of those I was friendly with or knew got married after b-school.

I have seen women run after the career thing early on and start looking for life mate when their options might be more constricted. These women are just doing it the other way: focusing on securing a suitable life partner first and then pursuing their careers.

I guess choose whatever path makes you happy. I somewhat did the career path thing first, but I also moved with him to another city that somewhat slowed the acceleration of my career. My dad is more upset about it than I am. :lol:
 
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They aren't at least engaged? I can't cosign that...sorry.
Wait...let me expand.

I don't have a problem with what the GF's are doing. I'm concerned that they haven't secured their future by getting a ring. Heck I'd push for marriage. Guys still have a thing for "the one who held them down when ish was tough". The one who sacrificed, helped when other women turned up their nose etc. and if he's worth of he will repay you for your sacrifice every chance he gets.

I have finally *kinda* accepted that some women find work and career climbing rewarding. It's not my thing...but if it's your go for it.

I am a little confused/concerned that the OP doesn't get this. What those girls are doing was the norm until about 10-15 yrs ago. Heck in some places it still is the norm. Many of those women will complete their advanced studies as SAHW's of lawyers making good money. They won't stress about loans, they might even have house keepers. I'd much rather complete me degree that way if given the choice. Some of them will never work a job...ever. They will play tennis, run and do carpool while the maid cleans up the kids and dh's messes. They look good, they don't nag, the husband never have to help...it's a great gig if you can get it.
 
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JFK said:
Male privilege is a bitxh.

Anywhere a man goes in life, if he is trying to reach a goal, there's a woman there waiting in the wings to help him focus.
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Oh there are men willing to do this but women aren't attracted to them and rightly so. Can you imagine telling your parents that while you go to class and study Jamal is at your apartment doing laundry, cooking and cleaning? They'd have you committed, lol

We call those men all sorts of ugly names.
 
Now that I think of it, I know one girl who did it before law school but he proposed and they got married 9 months later which makes it different. She took some time off (about 2 years) and then started law school. They're both black (Haitian and AA) the only thing is he was already 75% established and already making a low 6 figures as an engineer, in the process of getting more certs. She's all done now and is working as an attorney.

My cousin and his wife were married for 6 years before his wife decided ok I'll start med school now, she's down in DC with the kids and her mom while my cousin works in NYC, he visits on the weekends.

Again I don't think it's a bad strategy if you're smart about it.
 
CarLiTa said:
But why do these conversations turn so extreme, though? ie: On one side: he ain't ish, he'll leave her; on the other side: it's so strategic, she'll never have to work. There's a ton of space in the middle, I think.
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Exactly. We have similar thoughts on this topic and I also don't carry that outlook that I'll get crapped on by a man every waking minute.

I guess my main thought is that life doesn't always happen in such a linear way and that's ok, as long as you're smart about it.
 
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Who is only focusing on the extremes? I've seen a lot of anecdotes about how this plan can go bad or go great...the best and worse scenarios and a few in between. The most important take away from this thread is: think outside the box, but be smart about it. Make sure there is something in it for you. No one wants to be stuck holding an empty bag in 2-4 yrs when school is done.
 
i think it all can work depending on the woman's interests. i was just too curious about the world and too immature to have settled down at 22 with someone. or to follow someone around at that age. i spent a large bulk of my 20s outside of the country and gaining skills. there is no way i would have been able to fruitfully work on a relationship and for it to properly develop at that time. i don't knock the hustle of other women. it just works for them. if they like it, i love it.

i also know, with my personality, i couldn't have done my reverse - which would have been to get married and have kids and go back to school. esp law school.

and all of the experiences i have had up until this point will not only have made me an excellent wife and mother - but I have a much better sense of who and what I want. I am choosing him.

what i really don't like is how people make it seem like doom and gloom when a professional woman ... is a professional woman. in my personal world, i see women lawyers married to doctors, professors, or other professionals. i see professional men married to women doctors, etc. it's actually very important to them and i see nothing wrong with it. it's important to me, shoot.

the most important thing for me is that it's so beautiful and wonderful to find a person that you genuinely love and accept and want to make a life with them. and you are successful at it. forget all of these extra stuff, although it is pretty important, lol. anyways, if it takes you a bit of time to find your person, THAT'S OK.
 
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LaBelleLL said:
i think it all can work depending on the woman's interests. i was just too curious about the world and too immature to have settled down at 22 with someone. or to follow someone around at that age. i spent a large bulk of my 20s outside of the country and gaining skills. there is no way i would have been able to fruitfully work on a relationship and for it to properly develop at that time. i don't knock the hustle of other women. it just works for them. if they like it, i love it.

i also know, with my personality, i couldn't have done my reverse - which would have been to get married and have kids and go back to school. esp law school.

and all of the experiences i have had up until this point will not only have made me an excellent wife and mother - but I have a much better sense of who and what I want. I am choosing him.

what i really don't like is how people make it seem like doom and gloom when a professional woman ... is a professional woman. in my personal world, i see women lawyers married to doctors, professors, or other professionals. i see professional men married to women doctors, etc. it's actually very important to them and i see nothing wrong with it.

the most important thing for me is that it's so beautiful and wonderful to find a person that you genuinely love and accept and want to make a life with them. and you are successful at it. forget all of these extra stuff, although it is pretty important, lol. anyways, if it takes you a bit of time to find your person, THAT'S OK.
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Quoting for emphasis!!!

As an aside, culturally being a professional woman is a major plus. In many black immigrant communities, a woman with a profession is a catch. Family members will quickly ask "what does she do?"
 
LoveisYou said:
Quoting for emphasis!!!

As an aside, culturally being a professional woman is a major plus. In many black immigrant communities, a woman with a profession is a catch. Family members will quickly ask "what does she do?"
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exactly. it all depends on who you are trying to catch. and the kind of life that you want. and you better believe that man's family will have a tremendous amt of respect for you. they will not come for you the way that they will go for the homemaker wife. it is what it is. even if the MIL is a homemaker herself, lmao. trife. #lovemycaribbeans
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
Who is only focusing on the extremes? I've seen a lot of anecdotes about how this plan can go bad or go great...the best and worse scenarios and a few in between. The most important take away from this thread is: think outside the box, but be smart about it. Make sure there is something in it for you. No one wants to be stuck holding an empty bag in 2-4 yrs when school is done.
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It was well known in my law school to the point where it was a joke. I wouldn't advise any woman to do it without a wedding ring. The only thing you do for a boyfriend is be courteous.
 
very well said....my college sweetheart was a bio major...he is a big time doc in our city....we still kinda run in the same circles and we're both proud of each other's success

anyway he was fine and all we dated for 3 yrs in college...but nothing compelled me to focus on him and push anything i was doing on the back burner...i graduated...started my career and was making way more money than him, way earlier than him... with less med school debt and the process was faster etc....

honestly for me i knew i would be successful so holding on to him wasn't a major concern for me as i was already gonna be around high-net worth men in my respective career...its weird to me that i would feel the need to hold on to a man as if respectfully my future wasnt bright--like me being a sahm or sahw would be natural if im marrying well..again in my respective field i am around those type of suitors so it never dawned on me to hold on tight to mr. bio guy.....as i knew in nyc there are tons of high-net work dudes for me to mingle with....
no offense to anyone the law field and medical field are long process with many moving partsssss.....i didnt even want that i wanted to meet a monied man..vp, someone in a mgmt role without the long process of law school and med school..im not the hang in there type women lmaooooo i need to know what i am investing in has a huge return...and that entire draining process....it takes a lotta love and patience to go through that process the tests and finals and etc its quite grueling for someone's partner...

now everyone has a diff lane..you love ya boo you want to be with him gotcha..butttt without a ring i could not imagine pausing or even downsizing my dreams/anything in my life to rough out it for some big pay day with a man...if his family was wealthyyyyy ---i could rock with it...men are interesting...they do what they want and have us planning around them..no sahhhh...

i tip my hats off to the women who did it..its a process....whewww i love a great relationship just dont feel like women have to pause them to get the big reward..if boo luvs you too your trajectory is just as important..

Femmefatal1981 said:
Who is only focusing on the extremes? I've seen a lot of anecdotes about how this plan can go bad or go great...the best and worse scenarios and a few in between. The most important take away from this thread is: think outside the box, but be smart about it. Make sure there is something in it for you. No one wants to be stuck holding an empty bag in 2-4 yrs when school is done.
Click to expand...
 
I actually don't think it is that much of a risk. I have seen it almost always work when the man is the one that asks her to move with him.

I have almost always heard/understood a top priority for a lot of men when finding a life partner (aka wife) is someone that will support them as they work to achieve their dreams. These women have just passed the test. I also don't think these women cannot achieve their dreams. They are just taking turns.


Those 2/3/4 years would not necessarily alter the trajectory of their lives. If they took 2 years off to travel round the world, no one would think their career is gone and their dreams can now not be achieved.
 
dancinstallion said:
@sweetvi

Thats because the job of nursing is and can be physically and mentally demanding and stressful. Most nurses are tired of nursing and will do anything else for a relief. especially if the husband has a good job, I bet most of them are like "I don't have to put up with this **** anymore! I'm out!"
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Prettty much! And the demands for bedside nursing are only increasing. Many r transitioning into management and practitioner
 
One told me that his lady plans to leave soon to go to school.

I tried to reassure him that they could still maintain a relationship, and the worst that will happen is that he'll have to pay 100% of the bills by himself when she moves out.

He was like what do you mean? I pay all the bills by myself this whole time.
 
krissyhair said:
One told me that his lady plans to leave soon to go to school.

I tried to reassure him that they could still maintain a relationship, and the worst that will happen is that he'll have to pay 100% of the bills by himself when she moves out.

He was like what do you mean? I pay all the bills by myself this whole time.
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Were you trying to give him a snide comment when you said that? That doesn't sound very nice... like you're reducing the benefits of the relationship to money savings.

But I guess his response shows that not every such situation is about the woman putting the man through school, I guess.
 
CarLiTa said:
Were you trying to give him a snide comment when you said that? That doesn't sound very nice... like you're reducing the benefits of the relationship to money savings.

But I guess his response shows that not every such situation is about the woman putting the man through school, I guess.
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No I wasn't trying to make a snide comment. Moreso trying to lighten up the situation. Like, you'll still be together. You'll just have to live by yourself.
 
krissyhair said:
One told me that his lady plans to leave soon to go to school.

I tried to reassure him that they could still maintain a relationship, and the worst that will happen is that he'll have to pay 100% of the bills by himself when she moves out.

He was like what do you mean? I pay all the bills by myself this whole time.
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Why would you think she was paying half the bills? Is that the main benefit you see in a live in girl friend? Have you ever been a live in?
 
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