Trend Among Girlfriends

[Miss_C]

This is definitely real. Lots of women do this and get married while he is still in school. The girlfriends know if they don't move, some other chick on the hunt in his class will ignore the relationship and try for her dude. I mean it makes sense. They generally see these guys a good investment, since the professions pay really well. They are bound to get snapped up.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I think it's a good thing, young love working toward a shared goal. But it's not the same experience for the women in professional school.

TBH I wouldn't expect it to be, just as SAHD aren't the norm.

 

[lux10023]

ditto

i get that if your bf is a good catch then you want to make sure your solidifying the relationship, but not at the expense of my future and what about you being a good catch too! i dont like when women operate on this man is my only option..last man on earth style lol....like if im investing in you i want to make sure your investing in me....
i think it is wise for a woman in her college and grad school yrs to indulge in a relationship with a high caliber guy because she is exposed to all those top notch suitors who have big bright futures ahead..... by all means but i dont want to put all of my eggs in one basket and put a stand still on my life so we're investing solely in yours...

if ole girl comes from a a wealthy background and she is cool with it then i can see why she is operating on this premise...but even then have a few options around

again i can see this working if the two are on the same page..ive seen to many women invest in men who are not even sure if they are spending the rest of their lives together let alone the next semester..my thing is have options..make sure your being invested in...

this also works if the families are heavily involved....if they make the couple comfortable and are involved in the courtship to marriage this does work....but im very funny about any type of relationship and the future with no ring...talk to your mom and dad and explain im the amazing woman you want to spend the rest of ya life with/give them grand babies and they can buy the ring and we can be engaged..a marriage to follow- post graduation

I think this would only work for a certain type of woman and a strong couple that share the same vision.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

I just don't think it's smart to put off your own educational goals for a man you are not engaged to to support his aspirations. Now, if you're done with school and are working and are considering a move, then I guess if you are okay with this, but to not go to med school so he can do his law school first and you aren't even engaged??? Nope, nope, nope.

I agree with this. I would need to be married to make these kind of decisions. That's just how my mind works. If not, he can come find me later if he wants it that bad.

I don't see a problem with you moving or putting plans on hold for your man. Like I said before, I think that supporting one another is a basis for any strong relationship HOWEVER, if you had plans that you plan on doing after he does his plan (ie, a woman puts off grad school so the guy can go to law school), you need a new plan. For example, go to a school that has both law and graduate school you were going to. Wouldn't "supporting your relationship" means finding a way that we both can win?

 

[Menina Preta]

This is definitely real. Lots of women do this and get married while he is still in school. The girlfriends know if they don't move, some other chick on the hunt in his class will ignore the relationship and try for her dude. I mean it makes sense. They generally see these guys a good investment, since the professions pay really well. They are bound to get snapped up.

Yaaaa…buttt, I think it is risky to try to snap up a guy in grad school b/c he has "potential" by putting your own aspirations on hold. It's akin to putting all your eggs into one basket. If you guys break up, where does that leave you? I think you need to have your own. Or go after someone who is already fully established and not just "potential" if your plan for stability is based upon marrying well.

 

[FemmeFatale]

ditto

i get that if your bf is a good catch then you want to make sure your solidifying the relationship, but not at the expense of my future and what about you being a good catch too! i dont like when women operate on this man is my only option..last man on earth style lol....like if im investing in you i want to make sure your investing in me....
i think it is wise for a woman in her college and grad school yrs to indulge in a relationship with a high caliber guy because she is exposed to all those top notch suitors who have big bright futures ahead..... by all means but i dont want to put all of my eggs in one basket and put a stand still on my life so we're investing solely in yours...

if ole girl comes from a a wealthy background and she is cool with it then i can see why she is operating on this premise...but even then have a few options around

again i can see this working if the two are on the same page..ive seen to many women invest in men who are not even sure if they are spending the rest of their lives together let alone the next semester..my thing is have options..make sure your being invested in...

this also works if the families are heavily involved....if they make the couple comfortable and are involved in the courtship to marriage this does work....but im very funny about any type of relationship and the future with no ring...talk to your mom and dad and explain im the amazing woman you want to spend the rest of ya life with/give them grand babies and they can buy the ring and we can be engaged..a marriage to follow- post graduation

It wouldn't really work for me either, I'm first generation American, and while I am traditional and domestic, I'm also self absorbed and ambitious, I have personal goals that I need to achieve. I don't knock the other women that do it though, as long as she's being smart about it. Some women are about that life and they have great pickers

I'm in finance and I've witnessed new guys coming in the company with big goals for their gf, mapping out their entire lives in a matter of a year or two (with both of the families involved) from the engagements, weddings, building their new homes, etc. These couples are more serious and have a shared vision.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I hear y'all but like OP from what I could tell, they had happy looking relationships. I say looking because no-one knows what happens behind closed doors. I'm still friends with most of the husbands and wives on facebook or in day to day life, they have children, take trips, have made significant progress in their careers. I'm very happy for them. And during law school the girlfriends were always nice, seemed happy to support the guy and the guy seemed grateful to have her there. So marriage was probably more of a "when" then an "if".

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

I don't see a problem with this.

I don't see a problem either. It's a woman's choice how she wants to invest in/live her life. If that's a husband with a good job so be it. I'm going to re read the op when I have more time to try to see her pov though.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I hear y'all but like OP from what I could tell, they had happy looking relationships. I say looking because no-one knows what happens behind closed doors. I'm still friends with most of the husbands and wives on facebook or in day to day life, they have children, take trips, have made significant progress in their careers. I'm very happy for them. And during law school the girlfriends were always nice, seemed happy to support the guy and the guy seemed grateful to have her there. So marriage was probably more of a "when" then an "if".

Yeah the "if" guys from "when" guys are veeeery different. Sadly in the bc, there are a lot of "if" guys, which makes the investment too risky.

 

[krissyhair]

I don't see a problem either. It's a woman's choice how she wants to invest in/live her life. If that's a husband with a good job so be it. I'm going to re read the op when I have more time to try to see her pov though.

I guess my pov is moreso as a student who balances time to study, cook, eat, clean, take care of myself in an environment where some people can't shave their face, eats crackers and cheetos, and wear the same dirty tshirt 3 days in a row when SO goes out of town. The school experience is so different for men and women in professional school.

 

[DarkJoy]

Yeah the "if" guys from "when" guys are veeeery different. Sadly in the bc, there are a lot of "if" guys, which makes the investment too risky.

Was thinking this. Glad you said it.

Dont tjink we have much of the social, financial and familial setup to make this a consistent marriage model either.

 

[Naveah2050]

I just don't think it's smart to put off your own educational goals for a man you are not engaged to to support his aspirations. Now, if you're done with school and are working and are considering a move, then I guess if you are okay with this, but to not go to med school so he can do his law school first and you aren't even engaged??? Nope, nope, nope.

I don't think it's smart to do it for a guy you are engaged or even married to....anything can happen. You always need to have a means of making your own income

 

[CarLiTa]

I couldn't forgo plans, but I could see delaying some for a very short while if what was happening in the interim were professionally fulfilling enough. And we'd have to make a pact that the next sacrifice will be his. My boyfriend and I had a similar conversation because we are in a somewhat similar situation.

Several years back a guy invited me to his Master's "graduation." It wasn't a real graduation because he was continuing on for his PhD. There, these women that I didn't know that I was making chit-chat with said to me: "congratulations!" And I was like: oh, nah, it's not me graduating, it's him.

One of them goes: haha I know! But we girlfriends need to congratulate ourselves too for the work we put in so that our guys could get there.


So, these women know, and I assume their men do too. Many will appreciate the sacrifice these women made. Others will take it for granted.

It reminds me of this great phrase: "sliding, not deciding." Do the couples for whom this doesn't work out "slide" into such a situation without having clearly decided what this means for their relationship?

 

[FelaShrine]

The woman is being the support system and is low key protecting her "investment" from the other women that are going for their MRS degree.

My friends that went to law school said almost all the guys were already taken.

Pretty much. my cousin's best friend did that with her med school bf. as soon as he graduated, they got married, she had a child a year later.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it blows up in your face.

 

[FelaShrine]

The cycle of the rich white male continues.

The ones I see it work have been Nigerian and some Indians

I know yall like to attribute positive to just oyibos but it happens for others too.

this also works if the families are heavily involved....if they make the couple comfortable and are involved in the courtship to marriage this does work....but im very funny about any type of relationship and the future with no ring...talk to your mom and dad and explain im the amazing woman you want to spend the rest of ya life with/give them grand babies and they can buy the ring and we can be engaged..a marriage to follow- post graduation

agreed

 

[DarkJoy]

The ones I see it work have been Nigerian and some Indians

I know yall like to attribute positive to just oyibos but it happens for others too.

Im thinking that too. I see it for the Latinos also.

For AAs tho... its not quite like this the majority of times.

 

[Miss_C]

Yaaaa…buttt, I think it is risky to try to snap up a guy in grad school b/c he has "potential" by putting your own aspirations on hold. It's akin to putting all your eggs into one basket. If you guys break up, where does that leave you? I think you need to have your own. Or go after someone who is already fully established and not just "potential" if your plan for stability is based upon marrying well.

Agreed. Most of the women I've come across are engaged so I guess that's different but plenty aren't. I can't see myself supporting a guy through school with no guarantee of marriage but it is super common and I was just trying to explain the logic I've heard from the women who do this.

Eta: I see that some have mentioned ethnic background of the women do this. For the most part these women are white and Asian, particularly Indian. I don't know if that helps but I thought maybe some background might help..

 

[Kimbosheart]

The ones I see it work have been Nigerian and some Indians

I know yall like to attribute positive to just oyibos but it happens for others too.



agreed

I was just going to say this. The minorities I mentioned were African, Nigerian and maybe Kenyan to be specific, I'll have to go on FB to check. My Indian male friends tended to be older and already married. The women weren't worried because marriage is arranged in their family.

 

[Miss_C]

Im thinking that too. I see it for the Latinos also.

For AAs tho... its not quite like this the majority of times.

Most of the black and some of the Latino couples I've come across usually trade off or go through together. They seem to have arrangements where both support each others professional goals..

 

[toaster]

In my personal experience and amongst my closest friends, my white friends were raised to see marriage and family as equal to their career and my black friends were raised to see their career as more important than marriage or family.

All my friends have similar (high) economic status and come from two parent homes. All of our parents got married at relatively young ages.

Now that I'm an adult I'm choosing a path that's not as marriage focused as my white friends (won't harm my career) but also not as down on marriage as opposed to my career. There has to be something in the middle. I started with going straight through from undergrad to law school so that I'm done with the education portion of life and have some flexibility.

 

[FelaShrine]

I was just going to say this. The minorities I mentioned were African, Nigerian and maybe Kenyan to be specific, I'll have to go on FB to check. My Indian male friends tended to be older and already married. The women weren't worried because marriage is arranged in their family.

^Then why did you feel the need to bring up white men, like its white thing? OP didnt even bring up white people..

 

[DarkJoy]

Also for the couples that do go this route, there is a lot of background stuff happening that we dont see. Both families are probably cheerleading and supporting and pushing the couple to stay on goal to marry each other. The potential wife would still have the support and guidance of her family should it not work out. Its not like they are doing this random, particularly in the Asian and Latino communities.

 

[DeepBluSea]

I don't have an issue with it if the couple is married. We had an intern who made our lives hell because she moved with expectation of marriage but dude flipped the script on her.

It is easier if one half of the couple does not have any particular professional aspirations. On the other hand, If a couple truly loves each other they will find a city where they can both achieve their professional goals.

 

[Kimbosheart]

^Then why did you feel the need to being up white men, like its w hite thing? OP didnt even bring up white people..

Because it was mostly white men, and my subsequent post also mentioned minorities did it as well. I made the further distinction only to add the point that the minorities I mentioned were not "american" as in african american. The black boys were single or divorced.

 

[RocStar]

The school experience is so different for men and women in professional school.

Isn't this true for just about everything in life, not just school?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

It is easier if one half of the couple does not have any particular professional aspirations. On the other hand, If a couple truly loves each other they will find a city where they can both achieve their professional goals.

That's how I feel; if it's meant to be, I will meet him in the same city as I and we can both move up in our respective careers. I watched my mother, other military spouses and even some of you ladies had/have to move for your husband's career while never quite reaching the full potential of your own because of constantly starting over. Not every woman has to do that but many that I've been around and continue to work around have.

 

[ambergirl]

My thoughts?...that an appreciable number of these girlfriends will not end up as their wives...

 

[cravoecanela]

My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me because I didn't want to move with him to philly so that he could go to law school and so that I could..... he didn't have that part all the way figured out. That being said, this doesn't surprise me. If the women are happy about it I don't see the big deal. I couldn't do it though.

 

[kanozas]

Guys like that are helping themselves of free labour and will readily move on when they've moved up (often including the one they marry while they are forming their careers). Never help a man up. His arse should be UP when you meet him.

 

[MizAvalon]

Lmaoo! Lol....I'm going to use this for all long term girlfriends/fiancés....."Girl you still an intern? He ain't hire you yet?"