To the women who don't date men with kids

[Love Always]

You see the double standard too?

We can't cry about not being able to find a man at our age who is unmarried with zero child and then when we DO find one, turn around and question him.

Wondering if he's on the DL, gay, mentally challenged, something is wrong with him? That's what you wanted right? Why question it when you find what you like?

If you're gonna raise an eyebrow to the men, then don't be surprised if he raises one at you and wonders what is wrong with YOU.

Right, my mother has said that she questions a man that is up in age and has never been married, but I'm looking at her like I'm getting up in age and I've never been married. So, obviously something is wrong with me too then erplexed.

 

[Bunny77]

Just curious Momi, do you raise an eyebrow to a woman that is over 35, never been married nor have kids?

Right, my mother has said that she questions a man that is up in age and has never been married, but I'm looking at her like I'm getting up in age and I've never been married. So, obviously something is wrong with me too then erplexed.

You know, I asked myself the same question... here's my answer. Yeah, it might seem biased, but here goes.

Men are pursuers. Women have to wait to be pursued. Women can do things to improve their chances of being pursued, but if a man doesn't ask them to marry, she ain't getting married.

If the supply/demand odds are in favor of men (especially black men) and they can take their pick of reasonably decent women, then a man who chooses NOT to would make me wonder what's going on... is he trying to still be a playa? Does he have a harem and won't commit? What's up?

Now I know that men will spin it the other way, but I always say that since THEY ask and they have a numerical advantage, I see less of a reason for them to be 35+ and sit on the sidelines than a woman who might be waiting, but is on the losing side of the numbers game.

 

[MizzBrown]

Right, my mother has said that she questions a man that is up in age and has never been married, but I'm looking at her like I'm getting up in age and I've never been married. So, obviously something is wrong with me too then erplexed.

Please, my mom is starting to make snide comments at me too. We can't really act like ALL single black women with no children at a degree level are a good catch either.

We may not have kids but many of us can have other baggage to compensate for it, thus us still being single sometimes.

You ever wonder why a man would choose the woman who has the baggage of children over you? He saw baggage with you. It just wasnt children. Lot of women can't go around gloating about not having OOW children. Their other baggage can supercede having 2-3 crumbcrushers.

I got left for someone with 2 kids once. Happens to black women all day, everyday.

 

[TayMac]

Yes the ones with 2+ kids do get offended since I indeed have a child of my own (I would date men with 1 kid). They say...how dare I a single mom be picky and have preferences but I don't feel obligated to limit myself to only dating single fathers. My bf now is over 25 and childless.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

I date men with kids but the' kids' must be grown and outta the house!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[africanviolet92]

Once I find out a man has a kid, I'm out the door. I'm over 35 and divorced. It's an absolute deal-breaker for me because I know me and exactly what drives me crazy.

 

[Renewed1]

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

Me 2. I wonder why hasn't he been married or have kids. In my experience those guys are the hurt damaged ones. So I run the other way. Or those guys just want to be players forever and I run the other way.

But Opster, I'm like you, I prefer to date a guy without kids (I'm 33). I've only met one guy that I'm willing to break that rule for, but I've known him since High School and we click. But any other guy, no I don't want him to have kids.

 

[cutiebe2]

That is your perogotive - they may be offended but at least you were honest upfront.

What gets me is the women that dont tell the man they dont care to be bothered with kids, and then after the marriage they start "I dont want to have those kids over here all the time"

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

My dad was 46 when he had me and I am his only child. Mind you, my dad is not Mr.Right for any woman BUT he did tell me that when he was younger he decided he rather not have kids than have kids all over the place so I respect him for that...

 

[kismettt]

once i find out a guy has a kid i usually shut down (if we were casually talking/getting to know each other). i have never been asked out by a man with a child, so it has not been an issue.

 

[southernchocolate]

My big reason for not wanting to date a man with kids:I WANT ALL OF HIS ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!! After experiencing some not so great relationships, I want to be the center for a while. I don't need him worrying about his "ex-baby momma" and all of the drama that may or may not come along. Selfish? Maybe, but real.

Also I want my first child to be with some who is experiencing having his first child too. I want that to be a special moment for both of us.

 

[fatimablush]

Right, my mother has said that she questions a man that is up in age and has never been married, but I'm looking at her like I'm getting up in age and I've never been married. So, obviously something is wrong with me too then erplexed.

This right here...

 

[fatimablush]

I date men with kids but the' kids' must be grown and outta the house!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes...i feel the same way...

Finally

 

[Pretty Star]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?[/QUOTE]

You're not obligated to date anyone.

I know what I like, I know what I don't like. And I don't care who it offends. Men don't spend a lot of time justifyting their preferences so why should we?

I don't date men with kids and I won't date men who have kids as long I'm young and don't have any. I make no apologies for this

 

[DragonPearl]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?

You're 20. You should NOT be dating men with kids at that age. They have some nerve to be offended

If the word got around that childless young women were turning down men for having kids, I bet they would use more condoms.

When you're older, much older, it's another matter entirely as the odds of finding a childless man decrease. My husband was the only man I dated that had kids, and I started dating him in my 40s. All the men I dated before (except one that had kids in college) were childless. And there were still childless men available to me at the time when I started dating DH.

 

[MizAvalon]

I don't actually tell them that's the reason that I won't date them. They get extremely offended and act as though it's some sort of personal slight against their child and want to argue with you about your choice.

One guy actually said to me, "How can you not date someone with kids? You were a child once!"erplexed

I just let them know in a nice way that I'm not interested but I never tell them it's because they have kids. It's just easier that way.

 

[Love Always]

One guy actually said to me, "How can you not date someone with kids? You were a child once!"erplexed

 

[filthyfresh]

I'm allergic to baby mamas.
Right on my medical records it lists "Allergies: Penicillin. Baby Mamas."
See? There it was right there in black & white.
I want my first child to be my future husband's first child.
I don't want him knocking the doctor out of the way talking about "I got this. You're doing it wrong."
Or else trying to compare my pregnancy to his BM's. 'Well Shaquan did this & that, so you should do it too."
That's how people get their ish cracked.
Plus, it just screams irresponsibility to me.
Especially when they weren't in a relationship & there's more than one child.
Plus, I'm sick of the BM cycle.
My father has three kids by three women & only one is his wife.
I'm sick of the lack of unity my family has because of it.
I love my siblings but it's hard to maintain a relationship with them because of their mothers.
So no, I don't care if the men are offended.
I just fade into the background or don't take them seriously enough to date them.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I don't date men with kids because I would NOT make a good step mother. I want all of our assets to go to OUR children.

 

[Bachelorette]

I don't date men with kids because I would NOT make a good step mother. I want all of our assets to go to OUR children.

Lmao. same here. Dont care if its "selfish" LOL

 

[missann]

They are flabbergasted a woman would dare be affected by it. Obviously, most women don't have an issue with the kids and BMs.

I usually get a barrage of questions from "are you serious?" to "so you've never had kids?".

 

[dplyrooted]

I wouldn't date men who had children, and people would give me the blues about it.
Now that I'm pregnant, people ask my husband is this his first child as well, he says yes, because she wouldn't even have been with me if it wasn't, lol.

When I would meet a guy who had children, I would say no thank you have a nice day, and walk away. They would stand their stunned, but who cares, I want what I wanted and there was no use in waisting my time.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?

I had the same standard when I was single. And I never felt bad about it. And to the dude who told you to "learn to deal with it"....your way of dealing with it is ... avoiding it and refusing it to be a part of your life.

When I was around your age, I had a girlfriend get offended when I said the same thing. A nice looking, charming, well-mannered guy came up to me, and struck up a really engaging conversation with me. I went out on a date with him, and learned he had a kid and a recent ex baby momma. So he was immediately X'd out! She was offended and told me to get off of my high horse, because she was dating a guy with kids at the time. I was not judging her, I was simply talking about my situation. And I had another girlfriend, who was trying to hook me up with a friend of her man's, and I said that he had kids and an ex...two no-no's for me, and she got offended. Because she said, had she been single, she would have dated him. I was like, "well treat him as your plan B, but I pass, thanks".

How is it judgment, when its free will? Different strokes, for different folks.

 

[Miz_Complexity]

I learned my lesson trying to be open-minded and dated a man with kids. I know it is going to come a point where a man with kids may be the only option. These kids were in there late teens and I was 24 at the time he was an older man. It just got to the point where he would choose his children over me. I know that sounds selfish.Like if we had a date he would cancel on me at the last moment, or when it came to spending time with me he would never say I made plans with Miz_Complexity and it catch up with you at alater time I have prior obliagations. When it would be time to be intimate his daughter would cock block IMO. Or when I gave my opinion about when it came to his kids like common sense stuff, like putting a hat on the baby’s head and zipping her coat up. We live in the north east come on now. Simple stuff like that. He would always be like you don’t have any kids and you don’t know what your talking about. I said my peace and basically had enough and left. I would never date a man with kids ever again.
Background info on the situation my Ex and his children’s mother where in a 15 year relationship he had kids and never married. She tried to stab him because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. So they wound up separating. The kids moved out of state with her and she raised them from pre-teen to about 17 years old. His daughter was doing badly in school and decided that she no longer wanted to listen to her mother so she came to live with her father. Her only expectations were to get her GED or work did not do either of tough’s things and wound up getting pregnant and having a dead beat baby daddy. His daughter has a one year old and he feels obligated to help her with every aspect of her life. I told him that she was the one who lay up and had that baby. She has her own apartment and a job. I would ask him when she is going to let her take responsibility for her actions. Or when his son was arrested for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and possession of a weapon in his car he is 19 and every one else in the care 17 and 14. He constantly has to cover for his kids. I was like if you keep bailing him out he will expect it every time. I was giving the speech if you get arrested then don't call me from my mother. I have never been arrested and don’t plan too either.

All I have to say is I know all men with childern won't have situations like that. Never again .

 

[caltron]

You know, I asked myself the same question... here's my answer. Yeah, it might seem biased, but here goes.

Men are pursuers. Women have to wait to be pursued. Women can do things to improve their chances of being pursued, but if a man doesn't ask them to marry, she ain't getting married.

If the supply/demand odds are in favor of men (especially black men) and they can take their pick of reasonably decent women, then a man who chooses NOT to would make me wonder what's going on... is he trying to still be a playa? Does he have a harem and won't commit? What's up?

Now I know that men will spin it the other way, but I always say that since THEY ask and they have a numerical advantage, I see less of a reason for them to be 35+ and sit on the sidelines than a woman who might be waiting, but is on the losing side of the numbers game.

ITA. It's totally different for men and women when it comes to marriage. It may not be fair, but men can get married whenever they want and usually they're not as gung-ho over it as women are.

I just got married to a divorced father of 3 almost 2 weeks ago. As a 30-something, I didn't want to risk waiting 5 years to get married and have children so I didn't have time to waste on a guy who had commitment issues or just wasn't marriage material. Everyone doesn't have the personality that is suited for marriage.

It's sometimes not a positive that a man who has options would remain single well into his 30's and beyond. Even professional and childless men start to think about marriage in their late 20's and early 30's as more and more of their friends marry. In the workplace, it's kinda "expected" that a stable male employee will be married, even if it's just a wife that only sees him for a couple of hours on the weekends.

Also, I had grown up with an uncle with serious commitment issues. He looked great on paper, and is to this day still looking for "Ms. Right". I've seen sooo many women come through hoping they'd be the one to tame him since he was in his mid 20's and are still hoping to now that he's pushing 50.

As I got into my 30's, I started focusing more on divorced guys. Yes, a childless never married man is ideal, but with a divorced guy, you do get a guy who is capable and wants commitment. You do see what kind of father he is by his relationship with his children and how well his children turned out. You get to see how mature he is by how he treats his ex and their relationship with each other and the reason they divorced. You do have to love children, but most of the time the woman is the primary caretaker with the man not getting to see them as much as he'd like.

I think it's fine to insist on a childless man if that's what you want, especially if you're only in your 20's. For a 20 something, it should be easy to find a childless peer. For 30 somethings, I think sometimes people make comments about it not because you're selfish but because sometimes you may be tossing aside some very good men for a reason that may not be as important as you may think it is. For 30 somethings it's also time to face reality. Waiting for the perfect guy may mean cutting down on your chances of giving birth to a child of your own. 30 something men don't have to worry about this as much.

So I think it's just a matter of what you really want and what is most important to you and no one should make you feel bad about the decision you've made.

 

[aribell]

They're just mad that they're not good enough for you. It's a pride/ego thing.

 

[inthepink]

I prefer to date men without children. Since I try to date online, I do bypass men with children - I try to give it a second though - but I just can't. It is just not what I want at this time in my life.

I once had a conversation with a guy who had been dating someone for a few months when she suddenly got cold feet. She finally told him it was because he had two children (by two women) and she didn't want to deal with that. He called her selfish. I think that is what many men think - that women who won't date men with children are selfish. I guess I really don't care that they may think that.

The truth is for me, I want to be someone's number 1 (after God) and that's not possible if they already have children and an ex-wife/girlfriend/baby mother etc. I would just be trying to wiggle my way in. I'm sure most women don't feel this way...this is just just how I feel about it.

 

[Carrie A]

I prefer no kids and so far most of the guys I've been out with do not have any. There was one guy but he had one child who lived with his mother. Plus mom was remarried to a minister and they lived in another state so it seemed less complicated.

Yesterday I chatted on the phone with a guy. He said "We (he and ex) had our first child in (insert country). The triplets came when we returned to the US. The rest of the conversation was like Charlie Brown........wa wa wa wa wa

 

[glamazon386]

They may sound disappointed but I highly doubt they're that upset. They'll get over it.

 

[seraphinelle]

Never have and never will, and I'll let them know.

 

[ladysaraii]

My big reason for not wanting to date a man with kids:I WANT ALL OF HIS ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!! After experiencing some not so great relationships, I want to be the center for a while. I don't need him worrying about his "ex-baby momma" and all of the drama that may or may not come along. Selfish? Maybe, but real.

Also I want my first child to be with some who is experiencing having his first child too. I want that to be a special moment for both of us.

I hate when people say it's selfish. it's not selfish, it's self aware. I didnt make the baby, don't make me feel bad for not wanting to deal with your mistakes (if that's what it was)

I'm allergic to baby mamas.
Right on my medical records it lists "Allergies: Penicillin. Baby Mamas."
See? There it was right there in black & white.
I want my first child to be my future husband's first child.
I don't want him knocking the doctor out of the way talking about "I got this. You're doing it wrong."
Or else trying to compare my pregnancy to his BM's. 'Well Shaquan did this & that, so you should do it too."
That's how people get their ish cracked.
Plus, it just screams irresponsibility to me.
Especially when they weren't in a relationship & there's more than one child.
Plus, I'm sick of the BM cycle.
My father has three kids by three women & only one is his wife.
I'm sick of the lack of unity my family has because of it.
I love my siblings but it's hard to maintain a relationship with them because of their mothers.
So no, I don't care if the men are offended.
I just fade into the background or don't take them seriously enough to date them.

to the bold -

To the red - you and I are >>>Here<<<<

I could just see him saying some fool stuff like well Shaniqua didn't gain this much weight when she was pregnant. And then i would have to kill him. And the baby would be fatherless.

So it's just not a good idea.