To the women who don't date men with kids

[Filmatic]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?

 

[SugarBaby]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?

At 20, you are more than likely able to find a pool of men to meet your needs. At 20, this is probably a good idea.

After a point in time, perhaps 35 or more, this may be not be as realistic. As I said in the past, there are some older men that have no children, but there is a certain life cycle that after 35 many have had children.

 

[Bunny77]

Do they(men with kids) get offended by this? I am honest and tell men up front I am not looking for someone with children. I am 20s no kids. I don't need the extraness of that situation.

It is no offense on my part. They get an attitude. One told me that that should be something I need to learn to deal with. Another asked me "How's that working out for you?" I told him lovely. Why should I be obligated to date them?

Well, I don't specifically tell them, but if they ask and I tell the truth, I don't care if they're offended.

Dating/marriage isn't a democracy. Just as they get to pick and choose what they want, so do I.

EVERYBODY and they mama told me, that at age 31, that I better start being more open to men with kids... well, I'm in a great relationship now with a never-married 36-year-old childless man... I searched hard for what I wanted and put extra effort into it, and I got exactly what I wanted.

(Now, at 41, different story. There are still plenty of men in their early 30s that don't have kids.)

 

[LadyPaniolo]

SOME men really hate it when a woman owns her right to choose. SMDH @ it's something you need to learn to deal with.... PLEASE! and I bet that ninja has a list as long as my arm of stuff he won't tolerate in a woman, but a young pretty girl is supposed to put up with whatever whatever just because HE wants to get in the mix?

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

Be true to what you really want. I am 36 and the last three men I meet did not have children. My current SO no kids never been married and he is 40.

 

[Bunny77]

Be true to what you really want. I am 36 and the last three men I meet did not have children. My current SO no kids never been married and he is 40.

True true.

The more I stressed NO KIDS (and preferrably, never married either), the more I found never-married, childless men.

When I kept thinking, "Oh boy, it's sooo hard to find men without kids," guess what I kept seeing... men with kids.

 

[babyb900]

I always switch situations like that around and put people in them. Their point of view always changes.

For example, I would say to my friend "Well you dont like girls that are really skinny. There are a lot out here. That's something you should learn to deal with."

People act like dating is a democracy. The type of relationship you want or the type of man you want isnt for the people to decide. You can pick and choose just as they do.

 

[locabouthair]

There are still plenty of men in their early 30s that don't have kids.)

SO true.

 

[tiara76]

you don't have to be obligated

if they get offended then they get offended

if your intentions to tell them is simply to be honest not to judge or make them feel like they are not good enough or something, I don't know then thats all that matter

even if you are judging them or what not, then thats what you are doing and still those are your feelings

be specific about what you want...if thats not what you want for whatever reason then thats not what u want

 

[Fedoralova]

[/B]


At 20, you are more than likely able to find a pool of men to meet your needs. At 20, this is probably a good idea.

After a point in time, perhaps 35 or more, this may be not be as realistic. As I said in the past, there are some older men that have no children, but there is a certain life cycle that after 35 many have had children.

Oh how true this is. This is the main reason I've dealt with men with children. I was convinced that at my age, any man I met was likely to have kids. I settled but it the end it never worked because I always felt like I was the missing piece to their puzzle when in reality I wanted to create my own. Its hard, especially at my age to find single men with no kids but they are out there.

 

[FluffyRed]

I think a man with some sense should not have babymamas all over the place.

I have never dated anyone with kids.

Not that I would not, but if the kids are little, they need to be his priority and not "getting it in."

Childless men are out there. Usually they are the same responsible good guys we're looking for anyway.

 

[Filmatic]

Thanks ladies. I don't feel bad, but I wanted to know if anyone else experienced that. I am very nice when I say it but I am honest. I don't believe in leading people on. I would think they would be thankful for that. They'll get over it I'm sure.

 

[Dposh167]

i tell them straight up. In fact i told a guy last week. ''Im sorry i dont date guys with kids''. I guess he got offended. He responded with ''Well what if i told u I dont date brown skinned women with long hair. how would u feel about that?''....and i said ''well, i guess u wont be dating me then''. i mean if they get upset, then so be it. its a preference. Not a big deal

 

[Bachelorette]

Dont be like me lol. Im kinda rude about it. :/

Happened 2 weeks ago, a friend of a friend's bf trying to talk and crap

dont know what he was talking about and he mentioned he had 2 daughters

Me: Why havent you married their mom?
Him: Issues and things blah blah, we dont fit
Me: You didnt remember that when you slept with her and got her pregnant
Him:I thought we could make it work blah blah
Me: By getting her knocked up twice? Seriously?
Him: Well after the first one, I knew she wasnt right, but I really wanted to make irt work for our daughter
Me: By having ANOTHER daughter and still not marrying her?
Him: well you know blah blah, we decided we're better apart now, blah blah. we could talk, can I get your number blah blah
Me: yeaa..that's not happening. It was nice talking to you though. Hope things turn around between you and her.


Usually Ive heard from people, ie other men esp male friends that not dating a dude with a kid is just a girl being MAD picky and she'll end up alone, yada yada.

 

[newbiemom]

You are a really nice person to even care that they are offended. When I was dating I refused to date a man with children. It was apart of my screening process. If they don't like push off and find some other chick who does.

 

[Bunny77]

I wonder if more childless women had this standard, dudes might not be so quick to leave their "baby mamas."

A dude can be with someone for umpteen years, have a baby with them, decide they "don't work" as a couple, move on when the child is very young and KNOW he can find another woman like that... and often times, he can get a quality childless professional woman because she's probably been told that "it's hard out there," and that she shouldn't judge a man who made a mistake, blah blah blah, and that black men are hard to find, etc., etc.

So that's why these fools can try to make you feel guilty by throwing out the "well, you'll be alone" card because they KNOW that many women won't care... so they're mad that you have the audacity to have a problem with it.

If more of us had a problem with it, more men would be childless... Or the men with children would HAVE to try harder to make it work with the ones they impregnated.


(I'm not talking about divorced men/women in this situation here, btw.)

 

[strenght81]

You have a right to your preference. If a man doesn't like it or take offense...oh well, you didn't want him anyway!

 

[momi]

That is your perogotive - they may be offended but at least you were honest upfront.

What gets me is the women that dont tell the man they dont care to be bothered with kids, and then after the marriage they start "I dont want to have those kids over here all the time"

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

 

[pisceschica]

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

I never understand why people would question that. People remain single and childless well into their 30's for various reasons. People just do things at their own pace.

If they guy is in a demanding professional career (law business etc) then I can definetely understand why he took the time to get school and career start up out of the way before he made a commitment to another person and then children.

These are not things to enter into lightly and if you decide 40 is the right time for you to get married and have children good for you (although probably not "ideal") it was the best time for you.

I also look at it like this guy may have just been very responsible especially in reference to children. In certain demographics you will not find many people say under 30 w/o at least 1 child and many times its with women they are not in serious relationships with or an actual relationship period.

I would rather a man that has never been married and childless past 35 than some guy who has 1 failed marriage under his belt and a child (children) whose mother he still must have a life long relationship with. There could be some serious negative reasons (commitment phobe, sexual orientation, etc) but at the same time it could just be that he hasn't found the one and doesn't want to have children/be married before he finds her.

Although my situation doesn't pertain to marriage. Many people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend..I'm 23. I'm just like right now I don't care for one. I just have certain career goals that I would like to meet and do not want a relationship to get in the way ( as I see happen with many men/women). I don't wan to make a commitment to someone only to grow into a completey different person by my thirties. This may hinder a possible marriage later on but I am prepared for that.

 

[Bachelorette]

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

lol. What are your reasons for the eyebrow raise

 

[Jade Feria]

Psshhh. Why should I care if they get offended? I don't do the whole dating men with kids thing and honestly, I don't think I attract them anyway (thank goodness). In my whole dating experience I've only dated 1 guy with a kid. That was in my early college days, and it was very short-lived.

Lame guys always expect you to lower your standards. Pay it no mind.

 

[MissJ]

If you've got kids, you should be with their mother. If she was that bad, you shouldn't have slept with her in the first place.

 

[Bachelorette]

If you've got kids, you should be with their mother. If she was that bad, you shouldn't have slept with her in the first place.

This is exactly how I feel and I always bring it up to these "guys"

 

[Love Always]

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

Just curious Momi, do you raise an eyebrow to a woman that is over 35, never been married nor have kids?

 

[manter26]

Referring to the kid or kids as "baggage", generally offends .

I'm 24, I'm not dealing with that mess. I don't care what they think.

 

[Filmatic]

Referring to the kid or kids as "baggage", generally offends .

I'm 24, I'm not dealing with that mess. I don't care what they think.

Lol I have not used the baggage word. I really don't care what they think. I just think it's weird for them to get offended and was wondering if it happened to other women.

Shoot I can get a lot more pickier than that. I date one guy with kids and he was a main reason for me taking myself out of the dating arena. I am usually successful with men without kids. I date older men and I still finds the ones without kids.

It's the slow ones that think I should settle. I don't do settling though.

 

[manter26]

Lol I have not used the baggage word. I really don't care what they think. I just think it's weird for them to get offended and was wondering if it happened to other women.

Shoot I can get a lot more pickier than that. I date one guy with kids and he was a main reason for me taking myself out of the dating arena. I am usually successful with men without kids. I date older men and I still finds the ones without kids.

It's the slow ones that think I should settle. I don't do settling though.

I used the term baggage when I was dealing with an ex who had to take a paternity test. I used to think it was weird for men to not understand our view point, but my little sis just turned 22 and she has a 2 yr old. I don't know what it would be like for her in the dating world. I'm sure she'll end up with baby daddy (cuz they're both immature fools.) but she helped me see things from the other point of view.

 

[hrtbndr21]

Once I find out about the kiddies I fade to the background. There really isn't anything they can say that would change my mind about dating them. Sure there are extenuating circumstances but I haven't come across any of those men.

 

[Bunny77]

Off topic kind of: When I meet a man over 35 or so that has never married nor had kids I raise an eyebrow...

Believe it or not, even though I'm dating a man who falls in this exact category (by a year), I sometimes raise an eyebrow.

I stress the word "sometimes" though.

Even the dude himself said that when someone is over 35 and never married, there's usually a reason. Not a BAD reason necessarily, but a reason.

If I'm beginning to date a man in this category, I listen very closely to see if I can figure out the reason. I am totally fine with a man who spent lots of time working on a career/business/school and found himself single because he didn't happen upon a mate like he might have thought. That happens to a lot of women too. However, I would look to see if he's NOW actively looking for one since he's realized that he's spent a lot of his adult life on a career or school.

If he is in the process of actively looking, then I don't hold the age against him at all.

On the other hand, there are some men in this group who gravitate to eternal bachelorhood. STAY AWAY FROM THESE DUDES!!!! I've run into them and realized eventually that they probably weren't going to marry anyone -- that they were set in their ways and their time to get hitched had passed in their minds, so to speak.

These types might be the old dude in the bar/club looking ridiculous, someone slightly asexual or simply lacking in social skills. There is research that says that if a man hits 38 not having been married or with no immediate wedding plans, the probability of him marrying falls significantly. I was ready to run after talking to a guy I met online (who was 39) who said he was tired of people asking him when he was going to get married and how he was "not in a rush."

Good for him, but that was a big sign to RUN for me!!!

Also geography plays a role. A 35-year-old never-married man in say, Alabama, would cause me to raise an eyebrow, but the same dude in NYC would not at all.

Not every single and childless man over 35 is the same, so it's good to at least see where their heads are about marriage and family if that's what you want.

 

[MizzBrown]

Just curious Momi, do you raise an eyebrow to a woman that is over 35, never been married nor have kids?

You see the double standard too?

We can't cry about not being able to find a man at our age who is unmarried with zero child and then when we DO find one, turn around and question him.

Wondering if he's on the DL, gay, mentally challenged, something is wrong with him? That's what you wanted right? Why question it when you find what you like?

If you're gonna raise an eyebrow to the men, then don't be surprised if he raises one at you and wonders what is wrong with YOU.