Three Weeks of Great and Voila, he Disappears!

[angelica2u]

Okay ladies, I am soo baffled by this one, i just had to got your opinions to try and figure this one out!!

So here's the story:
About three weeks ago, I go to a club with some friends just to kick it and dance. This was the 1 day i had absolutley NO expectation of meeting someone so i didnt even really dress up and had my hair in a bun etc.

So this guys comes and dances beside me for most of the night, i ignore him cos as i said earlier, i had no expectation of meeting anyone that night (especially at a club). Later on, a firend said he was cute so i just decided to dance with him, then my friends wanted to leave and so this guy held my hand and followed me out and BEGGED to keep in touch.

He then started emailing me long essays of well thought through date ideas (will post a snippet if you guys want), called frequently even though i wasnt picking up sometimes, responded to all my emails within 2 hrs, etc

Honestly, at first i wasnt too keen but later cos he seemed so nice and into me (and i noticed he had a great bod!), i started getting into him too. He asked me to come with him to a friends bday party 2 hrs away and right after we got back, NOTHING!

Guys, i have no idea what went wrong or made him behave like that and i'm just cracking my brain so I want some help just so i can figure out if its something i did inadvertently or something cos this shocked me.

So here's a summary timeline if it helps. (Feel free to ask me any other questions):
- Aug 1st: we meet and he insists we keep in touch
- Aug 10th after a week of emailing to make plans and calling (all initiated by him), we meet for a movie
- Aug 14th: we spend practically the whole day together on his carefully planned elaborate date, go back to his place for a while, eventually madeout (inevitable as he had no TV!), he tried to go down on me twice but i said 'no not yet' (same with sex). So it was just second base, petting and he "used his fingers" once or twice .
- Same evening: at the end of our date, he asks me to come with him to a friends bday party 2 hrs away on friday aug 20th and i say okay
- Aug 18th: we meet up to go for a walk; we / he finalized plans for friday's party to drive back the same night rather than staying at a hotel. Mind you he suggested both but prefered the hotal option but I said i would lean more towards the driving back (i said that cos i thought spending the night in a hotel with a guy i met not too long ago sent the wrong message)
- Aug 20th: we meet after work and he drives us there. We joked and laughed and talked the whole way there. When we got to his friends place, he changed and we made out for a bit in the room (same deal as the other night). We joined the party and socialized. Around 1, he said we shd prolly get going, i said yeah. We said our goodbyes and as we left he rushed to the car, stopped being nice, seemed upset; claimed it was cos he was tired and trying to concentrate on the drive back. Silent treatment in the car. When we got back, we had the usual makeout scenario, again he tried to go down on me and i figured WTH so i allowed him to... twice... After all that we said our goodbyes and he seemed more happy and cheerful by that point.
- AND THAT WAS IT!! Never heard from him again! Even sent an email to say i had a nice time etc, and no response.

Ladies, any insight? Did i do something wrong somewhere?

 

[tenjoy]

hmmmm I have no clue

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

U didn't do anything wrong...maybe he just wasnt feelin' u like that...it could have been cool to have some company...then he moved onto 2 the next PYT

 

[nychaelasymone]

odd, don't waste time trying to figure it out.......move on to the next one!

 

[Bunny77]

Nothing happened.

Y'all weren't in a relationship, you hooked up a few times and then he moved on to something else. He never talked about a future with you, an exclusive relationship or anything like that.

This part is just my opinion now, but next time, please don't get involved so quickly with a man, both physically and emotionally, unless you truly won't care if he disappears three weeks later or whenever. Get to know a man better.

 

[caltron]

Sometimes when guys disappear like that for no reason, they were in a committed relationship and were stepping out on their SO. Sometimes they'll be on a business trip or their SOs are away and they take the opportunity to have a brief, magical fling. Oftentimes they'll reappear at random intervals with very flimsy excuses for why they left in the first place.

Whatever the reason for his disappearance, you are better off with out him!

 

[angelica2u]

hehe the thing is, i had been single for like a yr before this and i dont want a situation where i have to wait another year to meet someone, only for the rug to be pulled from under my feet 3 wks or 1 month later. Thats why i wanted to try and see if i had something to do with it so that the next time around, i know better what to do/ not to do.

Which brings me to my next / bunny77's point, i thought that not having sex / going down on him would be okay; but i also wondered if maybe he felt I was just being a tease and got him hot and heavy "without a happy ending" eventhough he was trying to please me. Perhaps, that was a mistake? Maybe i shd've just not even gone there at all (making out etc) since i didnt want to go all the way. But i also felt that we were two adults, late 20s so we could at least go to 2nd base. Maybe i was wrong.

So as a guideline, what are u guys suggestions too as to how long a woman in this day and age should typically wait hold out for:
- 1st base (french kiss)
- 2nd Base
- 3rd base
- Oral / head
- Homerun

Ive heard a lot abt the sex time frame but not so much the others. I should probably make this question into another thread altogether...

 

[TayMac]

Maybe he had more than one option? It's only been 4 days. Did he ask you to be his girlfriend?

 

[angelica2u]

Also i forgot to add, at the party, when asked if we were together, he said "yes we're dating"....

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I agree with what the other ladies said, but, I also think that because you didn't have sex with him (other than 2nd base), then he didn't feel you were worth his time. He seemed to have wanted you for sex and nothing else--and when he did all those other things to try and make you give in, and you didn't, then he moved on.

 

[lea86111]

hmm weird...but dudes be weird sometimes! Maybe his plan all along was to go down on you or hit it and quit it. After he tasted you and got what he wanted he maybe thought it wasn't worth it to chase you/take you out to get the nooky. It's already annoing that he was giving you the silent treatment and only cheered up when he got some of what he wanted. Blahhh.

 

[TayMac]

You should go on your own sex timeline. BUT I think many would recommend that you hold off on intercouse until you are exclusive.

I'm a first date kisser...but that's just me.


ETA: "We're dating" doesn't mean exclusive relationship to me.

 

[DragonPearl]

Everything you related is about how he was very much into you in the beginning and you being sucked into him because of that.

What do you know about him?

I think you're questioning yourself and your actions too much. Where did you go wrong, blah blah blah. BE YOURSELF. If someone is compatible with you, things will work out. If you don't want to have sex with someone, be unapologetic about it, the last thing you need is to engage in sexual behavior under pressure or with the belief that a man will stay with you if you do or leave you if you don't. Have sex when it's right for you. And that may mean waiting to get to know a man better before getting sexual, if you know your feelings are going to get hurt if he leaves.

 

[lea86111]

plus wth is up with these men wanting the nooky on the 1st or early dates, like seriously? Slow your horses hombre. My latest ex was like that. Smh

 

[LunadeMiel]

I think he simply wasn't that much into you. He probably figured if she's not giving it up I'm going to cut my losses.

Next time you should refrain from getting so involved with a man within so short amount of time. This way if he decides to bounce it will be no loss to you.

 

[angelica2u]

See i'm questioning it cos i just want to make sure i'm not doing something wrong. That way, if i am, i can fix it. Especially cos my last relationship was similar in that everything is great for like a month and then he would do a 180. But we worked together so he couldnt disappear and so we'd talk and then we'd get back together again and same thing. So with this new one, eventhough, the circumstances surrounding the relationship were very different, i became worried because of the similar trait of 'everything seems fine from both ends and then everything just changes without reason'.

It could very well be a coincidence but i want to make sure its not something i'm doing / not doing so it doesnt keep happening. Dont know if that makes sense...

 

[angelica2u]

Also, he seemed different from ur average riff ruff guy cos he was brilliant and doing a phd in engineering on a full scholarship with many excellence academic awards under his belt and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and thats why i gave him a chance

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Also, he seemed different from ur average riff ruff guy cos he was brilliant and doing a phd in engineering on a full scholarship with many excellence academic awards under his belt and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and thats why i gave him a chance

Everything that glitters is not gold.

The only thing that I believe was flawed is that you allowed yourself to "play" around with him, when he clearly wanted more. Seriously, you didn't really know this man, and he could have taken advantage of you, I'm so glad that didn't happen.

Also, IF you would have slept with him, to please him, he could have still ended up not calling you, then think of how bad you would have felt.

You're going to have to date, not sleep with, a few guys before you find one that's willing to live up to your standards.

Don't think because he's not calling that there is something wrong with you.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^Just because he looks good on paper, doesn't mean he's a good guy. It didn't work out for a myriad of reasons you'll never know. I say why do we women go through this insane breakdown of every interaction. Guys don't do this. It seems that all my friends who are guys may be sad if the really liked a lady but they'll move on whereas woman will sit there and say, "I said this, and that, then he said this, then I did that...do you think I should've. And then on date two I did this, but I don't think I should've..." and we go on and on on this exhaustive breakdown of our actions. I think it's because society is always telling women what they should do and what they're doing wrong. Even in magazines it tells you on a daily basis what you're doing wrong and why he left and all this b.s. I stopped that crazy analytical game a long time ago. I live by this formula: Stand by your beliefs, don't be pressured in a relationship, be you, and expect to be treated wonderfully. If that doesn't happen move on to find someone who will treat you right." There is someone out there who will love your qualities and won't just disappear.

You should look at the end result which is that he's not interested. Chalk it up to him not being right for you and move on. I did notice that you say that your past guy ran hot and cold. You may want to find out why you attract guys who are hot and cold, or better yet, once you realize a guy has this quality move on and keep filtering until you find one who doesn't have that quality. I agree with Bunny on the physical stuff and everything she's said so I won't repeat that as it would be redundant.

 

[angelica2u]

... I did notice that you say that your past guy ran hot and cold. You may want to find out why you attract guys who are hot and cold, ...

See thats the thing, i dont understand why... they pursue me a lot and then i decide to give them a chance and this is what happens. So i dont know what i'm doing, if anything, to warrant this. And i want it to stop so thats why i'm trying to figure out if its something i did / do or if i've just been unlucky

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

See thats the thing, i dont understand why... they pursue me a lot and then i decide to give them a chance and this is what happens. So i dont know what i'm doing, if anything, to warrant this. And i want it to stop so thats why i'm trying to figure out if its something i did / do or if i've just been unlucky

Nothing is wrong with you. Every woman has a price, and it just so happen that you haven't met the man that is willing to pay your price. Does that mean you need you need to lower your price, HECK NO. Just find someone who thinks you are priceless!!! It seems like the guy above was playing games and only interested in coloring with you. So be happy he walked out of your life now, rather than later. I know it sucks, but it worth it in the end!!

 

[ladylibra_30]

See i'm questioning it cos i just want to make sure i'm not doing something wrong. That way, if i am, i can fix it. Especially cos my last relationship was similar in that everything is great for like a month and then he would do a 180. But we worked together so he couldnt disappear and so we'd talk and then we'd get back together again and same thing. So with this new one, eventhough, the circumstances surrounding the relationship were very different, i became worried because of the similar trait of 'everything seems fine from both ends and then everything just changes without reason'.

It could very well be a coincidence but i want to make sure its not something i'm doing / not doing so it doesnt keep happening. Dont know if that makes sense...

You are going to drive yourself bananas. Men-boys (emphasis on BOY) retreat to their caves, are ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, blow hot and cold, and do the push away-come hither thing all the time!

WHAT are you going to do to make sure all is ok in your world while he is acting crazy? What are you going to do if/when he comes back sniffing around (and be prepared because they always do)?

You have to figure out your own timeframes and boundaries for your body (emotional well-being and health included) and when you share it with someone that you are attracted to. While you're at it, figure out the type of men and the qualities you want them to have before they even get to 1st base with you.

 

[Sasha299]

hehe the thing is, i had been single for like a yr before this and i dont want a situation where i have to wait another year to meet someone, only for the rug to be pulled from under my feet 3 wks or 1 month later. Thats why i wanted to try and see if i had something to do with it so that the next time around, i know better what to do/ not to do.

Which brings me to my next / bunny77's point, i thought that not having sex / going down on him would be okay; but i also wondered if maybe he felt I was just being a tease and got him hot and heavy "without a happy ending" eventhough he was trying to please me. Perhaps, that was a mistake? Maybe i shd've just not even gone there at all (making out etc) since i didnt want to go all the way. But i also felt that we were two adults, late 20s so we could at least go to 2nd base. Maybe i was wrong.

So as a guideline, what are u guys suggestions too as to how long a woman in this day and age should typically wait hold out for:
- 1st base (french kiss)
- 2nd Base
- 3rd base
- Oral / head
- Homerun

Ive heard a lot abt the sex time frame but not so much the others. I should probably make this question into another thread altogether...

I agree that you should be in a single committed relationship before you have sex (oral or vaginal) or even fool around. Also, you know what kind of man he was - not knowing you from jack (a week you are strangers who know each other's names) and is going down on you in the most intimate of ways.

He is a jerk who does not know a good woman. I would thnak my lucky stars for a near miss and move on. Typically, a good man will never try to press his advantage. I suspect this man expected you to give in (and you have to admit that you kind of did) and when you did not CAVE he knew that you were more high maintenance than he was looking for.

High maintenance is a good thing.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

See thats the thing, i dont understand why... they pursue me a lot and then i decide to give them a chance and this is what happens. So i dont know what i'm doing, if anything, to warrant this. And i want it to stop so thats why i'm trying to figure out if its something i did / do or if i've just been unlucky

I gotcha but I guess what I meant was why do you think you want to be with these guys...why do you continue to attract or better yet stay attracted to these guys. It doesn't matter why as much as your reaction to what is happening. Meaning you attract a hot cold guy...filter him out and move on until you attract one whose not. Notice upfront things that you are not interested in, instead of trying to adjust. For instance my eye brow went up when you said on date one he was trying to get in your pants. Unless you're okay with that, you should've been alarmed and filtered him out because you already know where his mind is headed. There wouldn't be a need for him to even get to the hot cold stage because you would've moved on already.

Refer to the other part of the sentence that you quoted (that I wrote but was left out of your quote):
"or better yet, once you realize a guy has this quality move on and keep filtering until you find one who doesn't have that quality."

Stop thinking about what you're doing wrong. This is another thing that someone can sense. That is another way to attract a guy who can realize on a subconscious level that you are insecure in yourself. Even scientists notice that subtle gestures that people do give signals to others what they are about. So your goal is to know you are wonderful, have great qualities, and you're doing nothing wrong, and deserve an excellent guy. Then go forth and filter till you find one who you mesh well with (meaning he and you both are an excellent match and want to be together). Everyone runs into not so good matches but the goal is how quickly you filter them to move on to the good ones.

 

[Bunny77]

Which brings me to my next / bunny77's point, i thought that not having sex / going down on him would be okay; but i also wondered if maybe he felt I was just being a tease and got him hot and heavy "without a happy ending" eventhough he was trying to please me. Perhaps, that was a mistake? Maybe i shd've just not even gone there at all (making out etc) since i didnt want to go all the way. But i also felt that we were two adults, late 20s so we could at least go to 2nd base. Maybe i was wrong.

So as a guideline, what are u guys suggestions too as to how long a woman in this day and age should typically wait hold out for:
- 1st base (french kiss)
- 2nd Base
- 3rd base
- Oral / head
- Homerun

Ive heard a lot abt the sex time frame but not so much the others. I should probably make this question into another thread altogether...

My answer is this... I think you're approaching this all wrong. I don't believe in a typical time frame for various sexual acts, although I know a lot of people suggest waiting 90-days/three months. I don't necessarily think that always works either, because there are a number of men who will just sleep with other women while they wait for you because they know that women often have a 90-day waiting period.

I also say that you need to avoid being fooled by the "grown and sexy" argument. Being two adults in your 20s has nothing to do with how long you should or shouldn't wait for sexual activity. I know a lot of women like to think that because two people are "grown," they should be able to do whatever whenever they feel like it and it's all good, but I see way too many FORTY-year old women still having the same problems with men in terms of sex and dating and still not knowing why they're having issues.


So my question is, what are you looking for from a man? A serious relationship that could eventually lead to marriage? If so, hold off on sex until you get to know if a man is even interested in pursuing you for the type of relationship that YOU want. And no, a man saying that "we're dating," doesn't mean that he's pursuing you for a serious relationship.

Leave sex out of the equation for a while and look at him with clear eyes to see how he's pursuing you. Can he spend time with you WITHOUT the potential for sex at the end of the night? Does he continue to contact you and plan dates knowing that no sex will be involved? How often is he contacting you for dates? Does he seem to expect that by date three, you're going to end up in bed? Has he had serious talks with you about what he wants in terms of a future with you?


Now be honest... did club boy REALLY come anywhere close to doing anything like the above things I mentioned? And also, why is it that your definition of "giving a man a chance" means that you act as if he's a boyfriend and you two are in a committed relationship when you JUST met? What has he proven to you over a period of oh, more than three weeks?

I'm going to answer a few of your other posts too...

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I agree with what the other ladies said, but, I also think that because you didn't have sex with him (other than 2nd base), then he didn't feel you were worth his time. He seemed to have wanted you for sex and nothing else--and when he did all those other things to try and make you give in, and you didn't, then he moved on.

I agree but I wouldn't say he was just looking for sex. Some men simply prefer sex early in the dating stages and have the full intention of pursuing an actual relationship afterward. Some guys have a 3 date rule which means if there is no sex within the first 3 dates, then he assumes you're not interested in him. I lurk another relationship board and there are quite a few guys AND girls who feel this way. Not every man or woman wants to wait for exclusivity to get down. I prefer exclusivity first, so those guys are not for me.

 

[Bunny77]

See thats the thing, i dont understand why... they pursue me a lot and then i decide to give them a chance and this is what happens. So i dont know what i'm doing, if anything, to warrant this. And i want it to stop so thats why i'm trying to figure out if its something i did / do or if i've just been unlucky

Okay, I don't think there's anything wrong with you personally or that you're doing something to turn men off.

What I DO think you're doing wrong is being too quick to get all in with a man who you barely know just because he "pursues" you. And honestly, your standards for pursuing are quite low... calling all the time and planning two dates is the bare MINIMUM of what you should be expecting. Nothing that you said about what the man in the club did in terms of his "pursuit" should have been impressive enough for you to think, "Wow, this guy seems awesome." He took you to a movie and a friend's birthday party. Cool, but really, you consider that "pursuing you a lot?"

Also, stop going to a man's house or to a hotel with him before you barely know him. NOT just for the sex part, but also because you don't know him like that. Stop moving so fast and creating emotional intimacy with a man you don't even know. You're already getting yourself caught up over a man who might not even be thinking of you like that.

And when you give a man a chance, does that mean you just entirely let your guard down and just start acting like they've committed to you? Did you and your ex actually talk about having an exclusive relationship, or did you just go out a bit and then assume that he was your boyfriend?

If so, I see why he went cold after one month... he never had much of an intention to be with you for a long-term relationship, so he was acting like a man who, well, wasn't in a relationship.

I'm being blunt yes, but I think that your mindset about the development of relationships could put you in this situation again, and you will just be on this endless roller coaster of hot and cold men and wondering why.



I even noticed the issue in the other thread about FWBs when you suggested that the poster have a talk with the guy. Why would you suggest that? Why would you want to give so much leeway to a random man who has proven that he is not into you like that?

It's a different situation, but the same mentality that created the problems you had with the guy at the club and the ex from last year... you give too much and open up too much to men who've done nothing to earn it.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I agree but I wouldn't say he was just looking for sex. Some men simply prefer sex early in the dating stages and have the full intention of pursuing an actual relationship afterward. Some guys have a 3 date rule which means if there is no sex within the first 3 dates, then he assumes you're not interested in him. I lurk another relationship board and there are quite a few guys AND girls who feel this way. Not every man or woman wants to wait for exclusivity to get down. I prefer exclusivity first, so those guys are not for me.

A 3 date rule--I'm scared of that rule--doesn't make sense to me that folks can't continue a relationship unless they get laid by date 3, but, oh well

I never heard of it, thanks for the info, I learn something new everyday

 

[BroadstreetBully]

A 3 date rule--I'm scared of that rule--doesn't make sense to me that folks can't continue a relationship unless they get laid by date 3, but, oh well

I never heard of it, thanks for the info, I learn something new everyday

Me neither! This was shocking to me! I felt so out of the loop. Some guys will take it personally if you don't sex them up early on. Some guys feel like they can't see themselves becoming exclusive with a girl unless they've sampled the goods. There are some women who feel the same way, so it isn't always one-sided. I just feel like there are other ways I can show you that I'm interested early on without giving up the goods just yet.

 

[Maracujá]

What I DO think you're doing wrong is being too quick to get all in with a man who you barely know just because he "pursues" you. And honestly, your standards for pursuing are quite low... calling all the time and planning two dates is the bare MINIMUM of what you should be expecting. Nothing that you said about what the man in the club did in terms of his "pursuit" should have been impressive enough for you to think, "Wow, this guy seems awesome." He took you to a movie and a friend's birthday party. Cool, but really, you consider that "pursuing you a lot?"

What else should he have been doing iyo?