Thread for the opimist

C@ssandr@

C@ssandr@

formerly known as "keyawarren"
This is a thread for women who:

  • Are optimistic about finding or being in love
  • Love men (especially black men)
  • Believe in the power of femininity
  • Curious about hypergamy
  • Any or all of the above

This space is to just chat or share about or dating experiences as single women who are "looking". This is meant to be a safe space for women who are open to perspectives outside of "men are trash". This is not meant to shade anyone or any thread. This place is simply for alternative perspectives that err more on the side of positive than "negative". If that makes any sense. Come, let's chat!
 
I started typing about my failed engagement but there was just too much wording to post. The short of it is that despite us not "going the distance" I was truly happy in my last rlshp. I had to let him go because of his temper (no violence involved). It wasn't until after we broke up that we discovered that he had undiagnosed brain damage and a tumor. If we were married I would've stayed, but I felt like I needed to cut ties with him in order to protect myself and for him to stay on top of his treatment. I sensed he would not have respected me if I handled the situation any other way because his behavior had become erratic.

I constantly mentioned that I'm biased regarding dating because of my upbringing and personal experiences with men. For example , I noticed that some of my peers who think negatively about all black men have never been in a healthy relationship. Despite breaking up with him, I feel like my ex is a good man. The circumstances were just...the circumstances. Also, I can do better but it doesn't mean that he was the worst.

(Which reminds me that I did date a guy last year that was just "ok" we got along, but it was boring. His slight lack of confidence was a little bit of a drag. As bad as it may sound, he wasn't actually horrible. He and I weren't compatible, but I could see him being a really good husband to someone else). Anyway ..

While I spent most of my childhood being raised by a single black woman, my parents were married, and my mom was a housewife before my dad passed.

My desire to have a family is partially borne from me having a mom and a present dad. That's the experience I'd like to offer my future children. I learned that it was a possibility first through my own parents, and then through my last rlshp.

I think I've only met one other guy since my break up who I was compatible with, but I couldn't take him too seriously because he had a very young child (and was a divorcee).


But this all has been a friendly reminder that 1. There are great men out there and 2. I only need one of them.

I live in a pretty condensed city, where I can get damned near anything. If I can't find just 1 man, then I might be doing something wrong. Just keeping it a buck.
 
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I subscribe to the ideas around femininity not just because of what I've witnessed, but because of what I've experienced with men when I am grounded in that energy.

I do believe that femininity can and does influence and inspire the masculine. I've been testing there theories out for myself and so far it checks out.

There are some ideas regarding hypergamy that seem to make sense overall. For example, the idea of a woman being fit and feminine. Now, who would argue against a fit woman being more attractive than one that is unfit?

Consider this. When I hear "fit" in this conversation, I think it is synonymous with healthy. I don't know one unhealthy, unfit person, let alone a woman, who is happy with being unfit and unhealthy.

I think people conflate the idea of being worthy of good things with being an energetic match for a partner of quality.

Stay with me now...lol...if you consider yourself unfit or unhealthy and you are not happy with it, why should/would someone else be happy with it? What is the selling point?? Lol. But the message gets lost and we may get defensive about it because now all we hear is that we're ugly and don't deserve a "high quality man". (Which isn't necessarily true).

I think before we consider the externals it's important to be honest with yourself. Do you think you deserve xyz just because of abc? Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing what you think you deserve. But, ever since I've learned how simple men are it's just been easier to embrace the guidelines.

Here's the kicker and why I say embracing femininity has been good for me and everyone around me. Feminity is just me taking care of myself and that radiates from the inside out.

Me going to the gym is for me...however not only does it increase my lifespan, It just happens to attract more of the type of men I like.

Me being patient (which is feminine) is for me. However, it's a great quality to have as a mother, even as an employee and...just happens to help attract the type of men that I like.

Me putting the effort towards my well-being everyday is a boon to my mental health and just happens to make me attractive to the type of men I like.

See where I'm going with this? I can go on and on...These have been my observations this far. I understood it better once I've put what I've learned into practice.
 
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I agree with both post. Even though my life experience has been very rough I do know quality men exist of all colors, yet I know there is a lot at play. I don’t like hating groups of people as it seems dense.
Being in your feminine to me as a woman feels proper and in right flow. Women age themselves operating out of natural flow. We all at times have to activate the masculine like the doing of things but it’s like driving w the emergency break on it will strip the gears if done for prolonged time.
I am not what people think is feminine ie my size/color and was shunned for wanting to be feminine. I feel like I’m restoring parts of self by investing in the feminine. When in the past I tried being the dry equal which never did anything.
 
Awesome thread! Yes I will find love! Amazing love! Yes I love men and know that great men exist! Hypergamy is a no brainer to me. Most women do it naturally. We wanna be protected and provided for. Every day that goes by I feel my future husband getting closer and closer. It’s weird. I’m so excited!! I’m at the point of my life when I’m really excited to get married and start a family. Ready to share my beautiful home and life with a man who is worthy of me. 2 years ago I couldn’t say that because I wasn’t ready. I was still healing from a lot of things and needed to be alone. Now I’m still enjoying my single season to the fullest AND looking forward to getting boo’ed up. It’s not either/or. People are telling me that I’m glowing! They think I’m in love and already have a man. I don’t. I’m in love with God, my life, and my future husband who’s not even here yet! :lol: My future is bright!
 
caribeandiva said:
Awesome thread! Yes I will find love! Amazing love! Yes I love men and know that great men exist! Hypergamy is a no brainer to me. Most women do it naturally. We wanna be protected and provided for. Every day that goes by I feel my future husband getting closer and closer. It’s weird. I’m so excited!! I’m at the point of my life when I’m really excited to get married and start a family. Ready to share my beautiful home and life with a man who is worthy of me. 2 years ago I couldn’t say that because I wasn’t ready. I was still healing from a lot of things and needed to be alone. Now I’m still enjoying my single season to the fullest AND looking forward to getting boo’ed up. It’s not either/or. People are telling me that I’m glowing! They think I’m in love and already have a man. I don’t. I’m in love with God, my life, and my future husband who’s not even here yet! :lol: My future is bright!
Click to expand...
I love this for you!
 
I forgot about this thread but it’s good to see it pop up. In my journey right now the focus has been on self and purification. It’s real tough but I’m trying to focus on what I’m going towards but what I’m leaving is been a hard pill to swallow. Ppl like to say it’s easy but you literally go through being out of touch w reality. I hope by yr end I’m way transformed.
 
Plushottie said:
I forgot about this thread but it’s good to see it pop up. In my journey right now the focus has been on self and purification. It’s real tough but I’m trying to focus on what I’m going towards but what I’m leaving is been a hard pill to swallow. Ppl like to say it’s easy but you literally go through being out of touch w reality. I hope by yr end I’m way transformed.
Click to expand...
Yay!! I’m glad you’re reminded to came back in this thread! Purification is hard. You’re having chip away at parts of yourself you had your whole life and it hurts like hell. You’re walking through fire. No wonder most people avoid it. Yet if you want to live the best life possible it’s a must! Keep going! It WILL get easier. Yes by years end you will be transformed as long as you don’t quit. You got this!
 
Plushottie said:
I am not what people think is feminine ie my size/color and was shunned for wanting to be feminine. I feel like I’m restoring parts of self by investing in the feminine. When in the past I tried being the dry equal which never did anything.
Click to expand...
Good for you!! :clap:
 
C@ssandr@ said:
I subscribe to the ideas around femininity not just because of what I've witnessed, but because of what I've experienced with men when I am grounded in that energy.

I do believe that femininity can and does influence and inspire the masculine. I've been testing there theories out for myself and so far it checks out.
Click to expand...
That’s been my experience too! I have a lot to say about femininity and embracing it. I was forced to be in my masculine growing up and believed that it was weak to be feminine. Lies! I considered myself a feminist. I attracted weak men who wanted me to chase them. You know, the good looking player types who have women throwing themselves at them. What saved me was my old fashioned values. I don’t chase me. Period!

When I started healing, going to therapy and reading self-help books, I discovered that femininity is a superpower. Masculine men thrive on it and are powerless against it. They love it! They became putty in my hands when I started embracing my feminine side. Reading the book: “Fascinating womanhood” has been eye opening! I’ve used the suggestions it gives on the men around me and it works like they said it would! I know I’ll have an amazing marriage because of it. I’ll know how to handle my man. Ladies, yes operating in your masculine drains you because it’s unnatural in the long run. Femininity is where it’s at ladies!
 
Plushottie said:
This is the hardest thing purification and restoration as you really don’t know that version of self. It’s def why most double down on saying they don’t need to change.
So summer wedding you say!
Click to expand...
Maybe summer. Fall/winter at the latest!
Yes purification is hard because of the unknown. People are worried about who they’ll become on the other side of it. What they don’t realize is the person they’re being right now is the fake them, the broken down version of them. Their true selves is directly on the other side of that fire, that purification and healing. That’s why most people don’t know or love themselves. It takes guts to follow through on inner work.
 
So many thoughts on your post @caribeandiva but I know that it comes down to polarity that often Black women go against due to so many things from safety to grooming. There’s also the element of removing energy that is no longer useful thus blocking the feminine the being. I was watching a YouTube video Friday that hit it for me the masculine survives where the feminine luxuriates. Society depending on your circle either rewards or punishes the feminine.
 
caribeandiva said:
Maybe summer. Fall/winter at the latest!
Yes purification is hard because of the unknown. People are worried about who they’ll become on the other side of it. What they don’t realize is the person they’re being right now is the fake them, the broken down version of them. Their true selves is directly on the other side of that fire, that purification and healing. That’s why most people don’t know or love themselves. It takes guts to follow through on inner work.
Click to expand...
Sadly many who do venture out are met w such disdain for changing. I’m grateful I’m pretty isolated so I’m not concerned w ppl but I understand. I have fought this process but I know it’s either stay the same or move.
 
Plushottie said:
Sadly many who do venture out are met w such disdain for changing. I’m grateful I’m pretty isolated so I’m not concerned w ppl but I understand. I have fought this process but I know it’s either stay the same or move.
Click to expand...
Yes folks will fight you. You changing forces them to change to automatically and they don’t like it. They like things to stay the same. Your vibe attracts your tribe. Don’t worry. You’ll find a new tribe eventually. :yep:
 
Plushottie said:
So many thoughts on your post @caribeandiva but I know that it comes down to polarity that often Black women go against due to so many things from safety to grooming. There’s also the element of removing energy that is no longer useful thus blocking the feminine the being. I was watching a YouTube video Friday that hit it for me the masculine survives where the feminine luxuriates. Society depending on your circle either rewards or punishes the feminine.
Click to expand...
Yes it definitely comes down to polarity. Yes I was definitely groomed to be masculine by my parents. Take care of them and the whole family while neglecting myself. I know black women in general weren’t feminine because it was used against us. It left us vulnerable. I get it. Yes there’s definitely some circles who will punish you for embracing femininity! That saying: “if you want to change your life, change your friends” is very true! A lot of us need to upgrade to better, more supportive like minded friends.
 
Plushottie said:
I forgot about this thread but it’s good to see it pop up. In my journey right now the focus has been on self and purification. It’s real tough but I’m trying to focus on what I’m going towards but what I’m leaving is been a hard pill to swallow. Ppl like to say it’s easy but you literally go through being out of touch w reality. I hope by yr end I’m way transformed.
Click to expand...
You're already transformed. Transformation never ends. You are conscious you are on your journey and that's a huge part of being successful.
 
caribeandiva said:
Yes it definitely comes down to polarity. Yes I was definitely groomed to be masculine by my parents. Take care of them and the whole family while neglecting myself. I know black women in general weren’t feminine because it was used against us. It left us vulnerable. I get it. Yes there’s definitely some circles who will punish you for embracing femininity! That saying: “if you want to change your life, change your friends” is very true! A lot of us need to upgrade to better, more supportive like minded friends.
Click to expand...
It’s always interesting to think how we have to override decades worth of code to pivot. It’s really interesting.
 
Chicoro said:
I love men. I love how they look and their energy and their presence. I want one, too!
Click to expand...
Yes, yes and yes!!! I need one! I grew in a house with my dad and 6 brothers. Plus their friends. So I was always surrounded by testosterone and masculine energy. I didn’t realize how much just hanging around them filled that void of being single for me. My last brother moved out of state a year and I really fill the void now! First time I had to kill my own bugs I almost passed out. I’m so spoiled! :lol: I made my house very feminine on purpose. I love it! I’m ready for some consistent masculine energy around the house though. :yep:
 
Plushottie said:
So many thoughts on your post @caribeandiva but I know that it comes down to polarity that often Black women go against due to so many things from safety to grooming. There’s also the element of removing energy that is no longer useful thus blocking the feminine the being. I was watching a YouTube video Friday that hit it for me the masculine survives where the feminine luxuriates. Society depending on your circle either rewards or punishes the feminine.
Click to expand...
Please share the video

I’m definitely an optimist. Rooting for you all!!
 
Thanks for contributing everyone. I realized that hanging around like minded people helps along the way. I've been getting advice from one of my happily married friends. Over the years, being mindful of who I'm sharing my experiences with has made a difference. I feel fortunate to have happily married peers that I can get insight from.

I joined Eharmony recently. I've also decided to expand my horizons and date men of other races. While I do prefer black men, it's not a hill I'd die on at this point. Dating has become fun again. I think this is because I am coming out of a tough space. I've made alot of progress recently in therapy, I started a great new job and I am getting back into my hobbies. I think since things are good on these homefronts, I feel relaxed and more freedom in my headspace.

In this space I feel like I can meet people, especially men, and truly get to know them without the pressure of time even though the "40's" is near lol.

What do y'all think about what they say about getting older? Do you guys feel like it is truly harder to find love especially in your 40's? I'll add my opinion on this in a bit.
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Thanks for contributing everyone. I realized that hanging around like minded people helps along the way. I've been getting advice from one of my happily married friends. Over the years, being mindful of who I'm sharing my experiences with has made a difference. I feel fortunate to have happily married peers that I can get insight from.

I joined Eharmony recently. I've also decided to expand my horizons and date men of other races. While I do prefer black men, it's not a hill I'd die on at this point. Dating has become fun again. I think this is because I am coming out of a tough space. I've made alot of progress recently in therapy, I started a great new job and I am getting back into my hobbies. I think since things are good on these homefronts, I feel relaxed and more freedom in my headspace.

In this space I feel like I can meet people, especially men, and truly get to know them without the pressure of time even though the "40's" is near lol.

What do y'all think about what they say about getting older? Do you guys feel like it is truly harder to find love especially in your 40's? I'll add my opinion on this in a bit.
Click to expand...
I think it is difficult to find a genuine, authentic person that fits YOU no matter how young or old you are. You are smart to spend your time with people who are successfully married and supportive of you and your marriage goals. Congratulations on getting on Eharmony! That's a big step and takes a lot of courage and confidence to do.
 
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