The burden of having a good man

[MissMasala5]

I have a very good man. On all fronts and levels. We have been together for 16 years. When I met him, he had nothing, literally. That has since changed, and for the past 10 years, he has enjoyed a very rewarding career that has enabled me to quit my work and become a full time student in order to pursue my dreams at becoming a physician. He is very responsible, a terrific dad, an incredible lover, and is my best friend. He has a very charming personality and people are just naturally drawn to him, male and female alike. Which is great, but not all of the time.

This couple, neighbors of ours, mistook his disposition in a way such that, they considered him 'close' friends of theirs, while his opinion of them was not mutual. But being such a nice guy, that was hard to discern. There was a circumstance where she became extremely upset about a private matter in her home during a time her DH wasn't there. She took it upon herself to call my DH crying hysterically over the phone saying "You got to come down here!" and without having a clue as to what was going on, good neighbor he is, he went. I was like erplexed about that, then when he came back and told me that it was nothing emergent, I got hot. I confronted her about it and told her that next time she needs an emotional rescue, to call her own husband and not mine. She responded with "I called him because I consider him a friend, and at that moment, I needed my friend to come and console me".

You have to know, nothing but the hand of GOD kept me from giving here a blow to her solar plexus (a martial arts move that brings a person down no matter what their size). She called me 'narrowminded' and 'insecure' because I got upset about it. My DH agreed with my perspective on it, and her DH agreed with hers. Her DH is pissed off with me for what he calls my being so 'venomous and hateful' toward his wife, and told my DH that while he has a problem with me, he and my DH are still cool. My DH was told him, naw, man. You ain't cool with my wife, you ain't cool with me. So we don't speak to them anymore for weeks. The other day, this man calls my DH like nothing ever happened. My DH reminded him "What part of what I said did you not understand?" and the guy just hung up on him. I'm like, that negro done lost his ever-lovin' mind!!!

Now I started that "Other Woman" thread about my old GF saying she was a 'married man magnet'. Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up. I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

 

[LunadeMiel]

All I have to say is that, that heffer is bold and you are a better woman than me..

 

[Jessica Rabbit]

Medmunky, you already know how I feel about those "people".

 

[drasgrl]

They have some nerve especially her. No way am I calling another woman's husband to come console me over my husband. That thought wouldn't even enter my mind.

 

[CurleeDST]

Ya know it is unfortunate it had to come down to none of you all being friends. I think you handled it very directly and to the point. She should have respected that and understand the boundaries. It wasn't anything to scrap a friendship over but honestly it sounds as if none of you all were that close for this type of misunderstanding to take precedent.

Regardless of why you were not cool with the drama you weren't and she should have apologize, screamed no harm no foul and kept it moving. Her husband is going to side w/ her b/c that is who he is married to and has to appease. Your man will side with you as I would expect him to.

For her man to call your man and say he has a problem with you - well that drew the line in the sand right there if nothing else! It was uncalled for and unnecessary.

This is why folks need to take time to get to know people before outrightly calling them "friends" after 2 months of hanging out or speaking niceties. Hey think of it like this "you went how many years without knowing them? sure you can survive the rest of your life". Keep it moving and nothing to lose sleep over. They weren't good friends anyway.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

If I was you I probably would have given her a blow to the solar plexus cause old girl was wrong!

She may have seen your husband as a "friend" or she may have wanted to see if she could push past the "friendship" for something more. You never know? I applaud you for taking a stand and letting your neighbor know that she was out of line. As long as we are living on earth there will be toxic and negative people to cross our paths. The only thing you can do is be cautious about who you let into your life. Being nice and accomodating is a good trait to have (to a certain extent) but don't let it get out of hand. I don't think that you have to be the Queen of Mean but don't try to be something that you are not. Speak your mind and use discretion in dealing with the people around you.

 

[FlowerHair]

Now I started that "Other Woman" thread about my old GF saying she was a 'married man magnet'. Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up. I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

I can definately relate to this part of your story
I used to be a "crazy people magnet" for a loooooong time
It has to change from within, and unfortunately you can't change your husband - he has to do it himself...

I just decided one day that I would cut out all toxic people that took more than they gave and accepted a few that I couldn't turn away. I see them as little as possible and some I never see anymore. And I don't let any new ones in!

That's the only way, because you can't change those other people.
I think you have to sit down with your husband and agree on some things regarding the neighbors.

 

[MochaSilk]

Now I started that "Other Woman" thread about my old GF saying she was a 'married man magnet'. Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up.
I've experienced this, and decided that the more at peace I get with myself, the crazier people seem to become. I realized a little while ago that they've been there all along. There's just a wider, more noticeable gap between the extremes.

I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! I tried that and it ain't worth it, really. My nerves were shot, I almost bit a hole in my tongue once, and could've sworn I was developing a facial tic. Accommodation's for the birds.

Me and my marriage comes first. It's a choice I make now. Most of the time I can sweet talk my way through someone else's drama (for DH's amusement mostly - he gets a kick out of me being 'sweet'), but I keep the b**** in me on standby.

My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

Indeed.

 

[Farida]

OP....I feel ya. My FH is a magnet. Weeping women, damsels in distress, you name it. They all think he is their salvation.

I'm like...I'm about to kick your.....

The other part to him is he likes to serve people. He used to be in the marines, he wants to do medicine, he would love to be a cop or firefighter...

Lord knows how I wanted to dance the day he was officially done with his 8 years in the corp...no more worrying. However, being the man that he is, I was sad that he wouldn't get that part of him fulfilled.

It is the burden of the "good" man to him. It isn't in his nature to sit still...and I want so badly for him to, but I know I can't ask that of him.

 

[tocktick]

I have a very good man. On all fronts and levels. We have been together for 16 years. When I met him, he had nothing, literally. That has since changed, and for the past 10 years, he has enjoyed a very rewarding career that has enabled me to quit my work and become a full time student in order to pursue my dreams at becoming a physician. He is very responsible, a terrific dad, an incredible lover, and is my best friend. He has a very charming personality and people are just naturally drawn to him, male and female alike. Which is great, but not all of the time.

This couple, neighbors of ours, mistook his disposition in a way such that, they considered him 'close' friends of theirs, while his opinion of them was not mutual. But being such a nice guy, that was hard to discern. There was a circumstance where she became extremely upset about a private matter in her home during a time her DH wasn't there. She took it upon herself to call my DH crying hysterically over the phone saying "You got to come down here!" and without having a clue as to what was going on, good neighbor he is, he went. I was like erplexed about that, then when he came back and told me that it was nothing emergent, I got hot. I confronted her about it and told her that next time she needs an emotional rescue, to call her own husband and not mine. She responded with "I called him because I consider him a friend, and at that moment, I needed my friend to come and console me".

You have to know, nothing but the hand of GOD kept me from giving here a blow to her solar plexus (a martial arts move that brings a person down no matter what their size). She called me 'narrowminded' and 'insecure' because I got upset about it. My DH agreed with my perspective on it, and her DH agreed with hers. Her DH is pissed off with me for what he calls my being so 'venomous and hateful' toward his wife, and told my DH that while he has a problem with me, he and my DH are still cool. My DH was told him, naw, man. You ain't cool with my wife, you ain't cool with me. So we don't speak to them anymore for weeks. The other day, this man calls my DH like nothing ever happened. My DH reminded him "What part of what I said did you not understand?" and the guy just hung up on him. I'm like, that negro done lost his ever-lovin' mind!!!

Now I started that "Other Woman" thread about my old GF saying she was a 'married man magnet'. Well, sometimes I feel like 'effed up people magnet'. Everywhere I turn, toxic personalities just keep popping up in our lives. Some inside, some outside the family. I don't care how educated, how well off, whatever. The just keep cropping up. I already have a past rep for being a 'b***h' and was really trying hard at being nicer, more accommodating, less opinionated. But sometimes, this ish just ain' worth it!!! My life was better being Queen of Mean. Am I the only one? Can anyone relate?

the bold pissed me off slightly . she knew what she was doing by calling him. if i'm emotional, especially if it's the result of a man, i won't be calling a male friend to come and console me, it will be a female one. assuming it's not just air she has between her ears, she knew it wasn't right to call your DH. if he was a single man, i'd be more accepting of the game she's trying to run. imo, fact is that she knows your man is good, sees how he treats you, throw in that he's male and she's possibly attracted to him and...there we have it. she's trying the damsel in distress act but your man is smart enough to not fall for it. too many times i've heard people wind up in bed etc when the woman was being consoled/comforted by a man. sometimes it's some kind of revenge tactic against the man they're angry at.

sometimes you are taken as a B when really, you just don't tolerate bullshyt and refuse to entertain people you know are not serious. i think it's mainly your intuition and common sense telling you to stay away from certain people. i'd say keep on as you are now even if people take it as you being "mean". i think sometimes people get caught up in having people perceive them as "nice" (read:doormat) and it usually ends up with people taking advantage of them.

the 2nd bold was funny!

 

[MochaSilk]

the bold pissed me off slightly . she knew what she was doing by calling him. if i'm emotional, especially if it's the result of a man, i won't be calling a male friend to come and console me, it will be a female one. assuming it's not just air she has between her ears, she knew it wasn't right to call your DH. if he was a single man, i'd be more accepting of the game she's trying to run. imo, fact is that she knows your man is good, sees how he treats you, throw in that he's male and she's possibly attracted to him and...there we have it. she's trying the damsel in distress act but your man is smart enough to not fall for it. too many times i've heard people wind up in bed etc but the woman was being consoled/comforted by a man.

sometimes you are taken as a B when really, you just don't tolerate bullshyt and refuse to entertain people you know are not serious. i think it's mainly your intuition and common sense telling you to stay away from certain people. i'd say keep on as you are now even if people take it as you being "mean". i think sometimes people get caught up in having people perceive them as "nice" (read:doormat) and it usually ends up with people taking advantage of them.

the 2nd bold was funny!

ITA with your post. I'd rather be seen as a b**** than a doormat anyday.

The first part in bold is why DH and I made an agreement before we got married that we would not visit with a person of the opposite sex alone (outside of family). Period. It keeps untoward, unseemly and questionable situations from arising.

As to the 2nd bold part, DH had a couple of "unflushable" females that always had a crisis when we were spending time together. I told him to test his l'il friends to see how serious the crisis was. When one of his friends had a crisis, he told her, "okay, I'll get MochaSilk and we'll be right over." All of a sudden, it wasn't that serious. That particular friend of his had interfered with his last relationship, and strained his relationship with his friends. I wasn't having it.

 

[carcajada]

She took it upon herself to call my DH crying hysterically over the phone saying "You got to come down here!" and without having a clue as to what was going on, good neighbor he is, he went. I was like about that, then when he came back and told me that it was nothing emergent, I got hot. I confronted her about it and told her that next time she needs an emotional rescue, to call her own husband and not mine. She responded with "I called him because I consider him a friend, and at that moment, I needed my friend to come and console me".

No no no @ the neighbor. She was using your husband as an emotional crutch. That is not the job of someone else's husband. She flipped the script on you. My husband, good man and all, would have sat his butt right next to me and watched the phone ring. Then if she would have even formed her mouth to speak to me all crazy, she would have been spitting out the rest of her teeth in the next breath.

 

[carcajada]

OP....I feel ya. My FH is a magnet. Weeping women, damsels in distress, you name it. They all think he is their salvation.

I'm like...I'm about to kick your.....

The other part to him is he likes to serve people. He used to be in the marines, he wants to do medicine, he would love to be a cop or firefighter...

Lord knows how I wanted to dance the day he was officially done with his 8 years in the corp...no more worrying. However, being the man that he is, I was sad that he wouldn't get that part of him fulfilled.

It is the burden of the "good" man to him. It isn't in his nature to sit still...and I want so badly for him to, but I know I can't ask that of him.

Do not loan out your fiance to these girls! He can help others w/o becoming their emotional crutch. There's a difference in helping and then enabling a situation that he shouldn't be in.

What happens psychologically, IM (unprofessional) O, the woman gets fulfilled emotionally in a way that she would have from a partner or spouse (I would not want my husband filling that need for anyone except me). This changes the way she views the husband/fiance and shows her that she can have a man at a beck and call for her issues that are better left for someone else. This also shows the woman that the man is vulnerable, in a way, because he is making himself available for her and her needs. She has successfully found a way to have the benefits of someone else's man and have his heart soften towards her in a way that is unacceptable.

You know he can get fulfilled by helping people in a way that sets boundaries. If the only way he is fulfilled is by being another woman's emotional escape, then...

This was a learning experience for DH before we were married. He had to learn that: I can help Sally by fixing her computer for a lower fee than the company or referring her to a professional. I CANNOT help Sally by being her shoulder to cry on.

Side note: And best believe ClassyND was right there along with her husband when he picked up ol' chick's computer to take it home and fix. She thought he would stay and fix it there alone? Ha. The look on her face when I introduced myself and asked if she was paying by cash or check? Ha! I put a stop to her games. I don't play that sht!

 

[carcajada]

ITA with your post. I'd rather be seen as a b**** than a doormat anyday.

The first part in bold is why DH and I made an agreement before we got married that we would not visit with a person of the opposite sex alone (outside of family). Period. It keeps untoward, unseemly and questionable situations from arising.

As to the 2nd bold part, DH had a couple of "unflushable" females that always had a crisis when we were spending time together. I told him to test his l'il friends to see how serious the crisis was. When one of his friends had a crisis, he told her, "okay, I'll get MochaSilk and we'll be right over." All of a sudden, it wasn't that serious. That particular friend of his had interfered with his last relationship, and strained his relationship with his friends. I wasn't having it.

Okay! @ the whole post. Sheeet, You've got to let them know. These chicks are playing games and laughing all the way to the bank when they succeed.

 

[MrsBKJ]

I think we face these challenges because we have a faith in a higher power and he keeps testing us to see if we will still have that faith or if we will turn away.

Crazy people are everywhere and as another poster said the more you are at peace with yourself the greater the difference in yours and their emotional stability. I look at it as them wanting to have a little piece of you - in a good way they wish they could share your sanity and calmness.

Uzz

 

[MissMasala5]

All I have to say is that, that heffer is bold and you are a better woman than me..

LOL!!!!!!! Girl, say it!

 

[MissMasala5]

Medmunky, you already know how I feel about those "people".

 

[MissMasala5]

This is why folks need to take time to get to know people before outrightly calling them "friends" after 2 months of hanging out or speaking niceties. Hey think of it like this "you went how many years without knowing them? sure you can survive the rest of your life". Keep it moving and nothing to lose sleep over. They weren't good friends anyway.

THANK YOU!!! I pegged them from day one, but my DH is well, not as perceptive as I am. My DH is very knowledgeable about many things, and was a 'go-to man' for both of them. I was very busy with med school so didn't have as much time to spend socially. But I just knew that they weren't the types of people I would like to be close with. For example, they are vegetarians and soon after we first met, she called herself lecturing me about the dangers of eating meat, all the while chain smoking Newports. I cut her off and just told her "Look--I appreciate your concern for my mortality, but it's a bit hard to take you as seriously as you'd like me to while you're sitting there smoking". That convo pretty much colored our relationship from then on--distant but cordial. Perfect for me.

 

[MissMasala5]

I can definately relate to this part of your story
I used to be a "crazy people magnet" for a loooooong time
It has to change from within, and unfortunately you can't change your husband - he has to do it himself...

I just decided one day that I would cut out all toxic people that took more than they gave and accepted a few that I couldn't turn away. I see them as little as possible and some I never see anymore. And I don't let any new ones in!

That's the only way, because you can't change those other people.
I think you have to sit down with your husband and agree on some things regarding the neighbors.

I agree and have done that. I let him know that he needs to stop this 'open door policy' with them, especially since it was so one-sided. Her DH would be at my house every day my DH was home off work (neighbor was unemployed). My DH never sought out his company like that. The neighbor would divulge very private issues to my DH, who never reciprocated and told me he would just change the subject, thinking the brotha would take a hint--but it didn't work. I told me DH to stop accommodating him, but he didn't think there was any harm in it at the time. He kinda felt sorry for the guy, so...here we are.

 

[MissMasala5]

tried that and it ain't worth it, really. My nerves were shot, I almost bit a hole in my tongue once, and could've sworn I was developing a facial tic. Accommodation's for the birds.

Me and my marriage comes first. It's a choice I make now. Most of the time I can sweet talk my way through someone else's drama (for DH's amusement mostly - he gets a kick out of me being 'sweet'), but I keep the b**** in me on standby.

This had me rolling!!!! Oh goodness! So glad to see this post, it made my morning! Keeping the B**** on standby, that is classic!

 

[MissMasala5]

OP....I feel ya. My FH is a magnet. Weeping women, damsels in distress, you name it. They all think he is their salvation.

I'm like...I'm about to kick your.....

The other part to him is he likes to serve people. He used to be in the marines, he wants to do medicine, he would love to be a cop or firefighter...

Same here, my DH is ex-military and a firefighter/paramedic. So it was very easy for him to go to her aid without thinking twice. He did it before for another neighbor when her DH had a heart attack. The difference between the two scenes, though, is that trifling ***** didn't tell him what was wrong over the phone, just "I need you to come down here now!" and I knew right away that was some BS. He found out after the fact.

 

[MissMasala5]

the bold pissed me off slightly . she knew what she was doing by calling him. if i'm emotional, especially if it's the result of a man, i won't be calling a male friend to come and console me, it will be a female one. assuming it's not just air she has between her ears, she knew it wasn't right to call your DH. if he was a single man, i'd be more accepting of the game she's trying to run. imo, fact is that she knows your man is good, sees how he treats you, throw in that he's male and she's possibly attracted to him and...there we have it. she's trying the damsel in distress act but your man is smart enough to not fall for it. too many times i've heard people wind up in bed etc when the woman was being consoled/comforted by a man. sometimes it's some kind of revenge tactic against the man they're angry at.

Tocktick, you and me walking the same path, girl! This concept was difficult to explain to my DH. I called it "emotional affair" and he at first didn't understand where I got that from. So I asked him how would he feel if I needed some consoling and instead of calling him, I called the man down the street to do it? And from that point on, continued to call on him whenever you were unavailable. Then he got it, and could then accept how things like that can be deemed emotional affairs that could potentially lead to the bolded above.

 

[MissMasala5]

I think we face these challenges because we have a faith in a higher power and he keeps testing us to see if we will still have that faith or if we will turn away.

Crazy people are everywhere and as another poster said the more you are at peace with yourself the greater the difference in yours and their emotional stability. I look at it as them wanting to have a little piece of you - in a good way they wish they could share your sanity and calmness.

Uzz

ITA with all of the above! I am a very real person, and I am happy just the way I am. They seem a little out of sorts with themselves, trying to force upon themselves an 'identity' that is admirable for all practical purposes, but not the most convincing. It's like they try wayyyy too hard. For example, being afrocentric and wearing locs (which is ok for him but she had to cut hers off in order to get a job, so she now sports a jacked up TWA), and the hair is more of a statement to the people that see them; being all black militant, changing their names to African ones, shunning all things Eurocentric, etc. I have no problems with people that are like that and sincere about it. They are just not, and it comes off as a joke. It's like "Ooh look at us, we are so enlightened and progressive" but at the end of the day, she has to go work 2 jobs while her able-bodied husband and grown able-bodied son sit at home all day smoking weed and watching movies Please...

 

[mzcris]

Hi MedMunky

I agree with you totally!!! You had/have every right to tell her butt off...and I am so glad your husband is on your side! Sometimes you have to "check" other women! I use to be a "pistol" back in the day...I've calmed down a whole lot (thank God)...you handled her well lady!

 

[ChasingBliss]

Shoot, show me how to do the solar plexus move and I will come down there myself and do it for you. I despise women like that. Wtf?! And what gets me more is that HER husband finds nothing wrong with what she did. Most normal husbands would have had an issue with that. Why didnt she call a girlfriend, her mother, etc. but someone else's HUSBAND?

 

[envybeauty]

Same here, my DH is ex-military and a firefighter/paramedic. So it was very easy for him to go to her aid without thinking twice. He did it before for another neighbor when her DH had a heart attack. The difference between the two scenes, though, is that trifling ***** didn't tell him what was wrong over the phone, just "I need you to come down here now!" and I knew right away that was some BS. He found out after the fact.

That was the first clue. erplexed ...he was not her man for him to jump like that without explanation. Even the police want an explanation over the phone before they show up to craziness.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Co-signing everything.

 

[SugarBaby]

I think we face these challenges because we have a faith in a higher power and he keeps testing us to see if we will still have that faith or if we will turn away.

Crazy people are everywhere and as another poster said the more you are at peace with yourself the greater the difference in yours and their emotional stability. I look at it as them wanting to have a little piece of you - in a good way they wish they could share your sanity and calmness.

Uzz

Well, RQ, Wonderful post and so much on point. Craziness and instability always seek out stablity.

 

[SugarBaby]

MM...There is nothing better than a supportive husband that backs you 100% and tells other people that He is supporting his wife no matter what and won't allow anyone else to belittle her.

I love it.

 

[chellero]

I probably would've gone over there and gotten into a :hardslap:situation. That woman should be ashamed.