So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think?

[Kiadodie]

She met him on match.com. They've been out on 5 dates and he's paid for them.

Now yesterday she decided to test him. So after dinner she says "Ill pay."

He says "No, you dont have to do that. We can go dutch if you want".
So they go dutch.

SHe was VERY disappointed and says he should've insisted on paying for the meal.

WHat do you guys think?

 

[Bunny77]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

She's overreacting. And tests are dumb. This is not high school.

I hate when men do them, and when women do them as well.


While some men will never let a woman pay for them, some others might appreciate the gesture (if SHE makes it) after he's done quite a bit for her. He paid for five dates and probably would have paid for six if she hadn't decided to act foolish and "test" him.

And even then, he didn't want her to pay for the entire check!!!

So fine, she can let this seemingly decent guy go based on some foolishness and keep hunting the waters of Match.com. Good luck with that.

 

[Kiadodie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

She's overreacting. And tests are dumb. This is not high school.

I hate when men do them, and when women do them as well.


While some men will never let a woman pay for them, some others might appreciate the gesture (if SHE makes it) after he's done quite a bit for her. He paid for five dates and probably would have paid for six if she hadn't decided to act foolish and "test" him.

And even then, he didn't want her to pay for the entire check!!!

So fine, she can let this seemingly decent guy go based on some foolishness and keep hunting the waters of Match.com. Good luck with that.

YEah, true Bunny. My first question was, why did you test him anyway??

 

[TayMac]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

I agree with Bunny. It's silly to test people. You almost always will be disappointed if you set someone up like that.

What was she hoping to learn from the test?

 

[LadyPBC]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

I agree with your friend who tested the guy. He may have been testing her all along to see if she felt a sense of entitlement and would always expect him to pay. Some guys appreciate the gesture of a woman at least offering to pay even if she insists and still covers the bill. Its a turn-off for me when a guy readily accepts my offer to pay especially when he extended the invitation. I offer (call it a test if you will) because I don't want him to expect anything more than my company and because I don't know if he has the same understanding that I have about who is responsible for the bill. I would feel uncomfortable asking in advance - "are you covering the cost of this date?". Although this guy paid for five previous outings (commendable) when a woman offers to pay you can weed out the cheap-skates depending on how they respond. I think guys also test us by allowing us to choose the restaurant - I like upscale restaurants but I feel uncomfortable suggesting one so I let him choose.

 

[mscocoface]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Not a good way to build a relationship. He may be considering her a little suspect after that.

If she wants to test something ask her how well has he treated the waiters/waitresses?

Let him talk about his family, his mother and father, siblings. Is his discussion negative, positive, suspect?

What are his beliefs are they compatible with hers?

Is school or education background important? Has she checked that?

Does he have any children, ex spouses? Is he supporting them?

If she has had 5 dates then they had to have or come close to discussing some of these topics and viewing his behavior around others?

 

[loolalooh]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

He did not fail. The test was a silly one.

Cosigning big time with Bunny and Mscocoface.

 

[Syrah]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

HAHA...what is he supposed to do - argue with her in the restaurant and then he would've passed her test?! I'm with Bunny77...you don't test people.

In the first 5 dates, he showed her what kind of man he was. Why she had to experiment is beyond me...

 

[Syrah]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

I agree with your friend who tested the guy. He may have been testing her all along to see if she felt a sense of entitlement and would always expect him to pay. Some guys appreciate the gesture of a woman at least offering to pay even if she insists and still covers the bill. Its a turn-off for me when a guy readily accepts my offer to pay especially when he extended the invitation. I offer (call it a test if you will) because I don't want him to expect anything more than my company and because I don't know if he has the same understanding that I have about who is responsible for the bill. I would feel uncomfortable asking in advance - "are you covering the cost of this date?". Although this guy paid for five previous outings (commendable) when a woman offers to pay you can weed out the cheap-skates depending on how they respond. I think guys also test us by allowing us to choose the restaurant - I like upscale restaurants but I feel uncomfortable suggesting one so I let him choose.

So why do you put men in a situation to turn you off? Is it not counter-intuitive to offer something that you do not hope to follow-through on? If you don't want to pay, don't offer. Especially when the precedent has already been set that he pays...

@ The "You Choose the Restaurant" Test - this I agree that some men will do. And men who do this get the same reaction. If he asks me what I want to eat, he might get lucky and I'll say a burrito from my favorite taco spot, or I might be in the mood for some King Crab Claws at which point too bad for him. But if he's dating me, he should know this about me already and be prepared for either response. If you can't pay to play, back away from the table.

When did we start testing people?

 

[Bunny77]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

So why do you put men in a situation to turn you off? Is it not counter-intuitive to offer something that you do not hope to follow-through on? If you don't want to pay, don't offer. Especially when the precedent has already been set that he pays...

@ The "You Choose the Restaurant" Test - this I agree that some men will do.

When did we become so testy!?

At the first paragraph: Exactly. This is why I don't even do the fake purse grab if I have no intentions of paying. Now, if he has a problem with that and makes a comment, then I've gotten my answer about him possibly being cheap/expecting me to pay. I didn't have to do a test to find that out.

With the choosing the restaurant thing, you know, I never thought of it that way as him trying to test me... I just figured he was lame and lacked ideas! I've always told him to pick something, just because I feel that if a man asks me out, he should come up with something. But good to know that I totally screwed up his "test."

 

[Syrah]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

What are the ramifications of him "failing" the test? Does that mean she's no longer going to take calls from him and "oblige" his date requests?

...that's the other thing with tests - unless you're willing to act on the information other than sucking your teeth and complaining to your girlfriends, what's the point?!

 

[Syrah]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

At the first paragraph: Exactly. This is why I don't even do the fake purse grab if I have no intentions of paying. Now, if he has a problem with that and makes a comment, then I've gotten my answer about him possibly being cheap/expecting me to pay. I didn't have to do a test to find that out.

With the choosing the restaurant thing, you know, I never thought of it that way as him trying to test me... I just figured he was lame and lacked ideas! I've always told him to pick something, just because I feel that if a man asks me out, he should come up with something. But good to know that I totally screwed up his "test."

SOME men. Others just want your input on the food or to get a gauge on what kind of restaurants you like. Honestly, I think in an early relationship, choosing restaurants can be difficult because people (well, I will) judge based on where you eat. And I think initially, one's choice for date activities set a precedent for how you view that person.

For example - a first date at Chili's?? Big no-no in my opinion! Not because of the price point but because of the COMPLETE lack of creativity. But a first date at Chili's and a first date at the Cheesecake Factory OR Morton's will also get the same response, because that's just not me.

 

[frizzy]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

I don't take it as a fail, he was man enough not to have her pay for his meal.

It doesn't feel like much of a date when I have to come out of my pockets, but I was always willing to pay my own way, if need be, but not his.

 

[Determined22]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

She met him on match.com. They've been out on 5 dates and he's paid for them.

Now yesterday she decided to test him. So after dinner she says "Ill pay."

He says "No, you dont have to do that. We can go dutch if you want".
So they go dutch.

SHe was VERY disappointed and says he should've insisted on paying for the meal.

WHat do you guys think?

My first thought was "she's an idiot". Why "test" a guy & do something you don't want to do, ie go Dutch.

Clearly he doesn't have a problem paying, if he's paid for 5 dates. They didn't even go dutch until she offered to pay in the first place. If anything, that's entrapment.

If you dont' want to pay, then don't open up your mouth. Sounds like she was looking for a reason to be disappointed in this guy, and she got it. Tell her to pass him along, I have no problem with letting a guy pay & not having to test him about it.

 

[HoneyA]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

At the first paragraph: Exactly. This is why I don't even do the fake purse grab if I have no intentions of paying. Now, if he has a problem with that and makes a comment, then I've gotten my answer about him possibly being cheap/expecting me to pay. I didn't have to do a test to find that out.

With the choosing the restaurant thing, you know, I never thought of it that way as him trying to test me... I just figured he was lame and lacked ideas! I've always told him to pick something, just because I feel that if a man asks me out, he should come up with something. But good to know that I totally screwed up his "test."

Yup that was I always think. You ask me out and then you want me to suggest something. You asked me out, figure it out. I used to do the fake purse grab too. Waste of energy if you have no intentions of paying anyway. You invite me out, you pay especially in the early stages.

 

[LilMissRed]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

wow! ppl are still testing one another? I dont think Ive done anything like this since middle-high school

and now shes upset.. says he 'failed'?? girl boo... IMO shes focusing on the wrong type things

 

[LadyPBC]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Wow - I stopped spending a lot of time with a guy because of this. I figured I can pay my own way at dinner etc. I just never wanted him to think of me as a gold-digger who was never considerate enough to at least offer to pay. I've had men share this sentiment with me. My mom and others always ask me why did I offer to pay - cuz I thought it was the considerate thing to do but in the back of my mind I was hoping he would say no. And when he doesn't I lose a degree of respect. I never thought of it as a test (well not pre-meditated) but it does reveal a little something about me. In fact the guy in question once invited me to breakfast. We both realized (while waiting in line to go in) that they did not accept credit cards and neither of us had enough money. I left the line to go to the bank machine to get money then got back in line with him and encouraged him to go do the same so he'd have enough money. Well he never did and when the check came, although he invited me to breakfast, he did not offer to pay for my meal so I paid for my meal and left him on his own. Did he fail (and this was not a test) but hecky yeah.

 

[Makenzie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

He didn't have her pay for his meal, so he didn't fail. Was the 'test' necessary? No, but she should look at the result as a good things. Especially since he has paid for the previous 5 dates.

 

[qchelle]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

wtf? is she 12?

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

No offense to your friend but...now we have a much clearer understanding of some of the things that may be keeping her single...

 

[Ivonnovi]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

We think she's using poor and immature judgement. She should be happy she got off just paying for 1/2 the bill; and leave those silly little tests alone.

• Now if he said some foolishness like "Let's go half on a baby" then she's got a right to be upset, ...and "we'd" agree!

She met him on match.com. They've been out on 5 dates and he's paid for them.

Now yesterday she decided to test him. So after dinner she says "Ill pay."

He says "No, you dont have to do that. We can go dutch if you want".
So they go dutch.

SHe was VERY disappointed and says he should've insisted on paying for the meal.

WHat do you guys think?

 

[Mena]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

How old is the friend?

 

[MD_Lady]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Sorry dodie, but I have to at your friend. Why did she even feel the need to "test" him when he'd already paid for the previous 5 dates? If she doesn't click with a guy and decides to move on, that's cool, but she needs to stop playing games and looking for reasons to find fault with the men she dates.

 

[MD_Lady]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

So why do you put men in a situation to turn you off? Is it not counter-intuitive to offer something that you do not hope to follow-through on? If you don't want to pay, don't offer. Especially when the precedent has already been set that he pays...

SOME men. Others just want your input on the food or to get a gauge on what kind of restaurants you like. Honestly, I think in an early relationship, choosing restaurants can be difficult because people (well, I will) judge based on where you eat. And I think initially, one's choice for date activities set a precedent for how you view that person...

THANK YOU. There is WAY too much subjectivity involved in people's decisions to test others. I know that bringing up certain topics may be uncomfortable in the beginning, but coming out of your comfort zone is part of the process of getting to know someone. It doesn't make sense to spend all of this time and effort plotting and planning when a direct question can get you a direct answer in MUCH less time.

 

[ThickHair]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Your friend is extra. I think the simple answer is she isn't really feeling him and was looking for a reason to not see him anymore. I hope she isn't one to cry into her cheesecake futher down the road, when she is dateless.

I also don't do the fakeout to get my purse.

 

[Kiadodie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

How old is the friend?

My friend is 35.

 

[Kiadodie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Your friend is extra. I think the simple answer is she isn't really feeling him and was looking for a reason to not see him anymore. I hope she isn't one to cry into her cheesecake futher down the road, when she is dateless.

I also don't do the fakeout to get my purse.

I think this may be the answer as to why she did it.

Now I'll be the first to say, I dont think she's feeling him but she is TRYING hard to feel him..which is fine. All is good, then she calls me last night telling me this mess. She asked me should she see him again and I told her YES. Why discontinue seeing him over this??? Now, that is UNLESS she really doesnt like him..then she's wasting his AND her time. erplexed But I"m not going to be the one to tell her if she likes him or not. Me personally, if I'm not feeling someone..it probably will not get past 3 dates and I dont need any kind of test for that but I guess she has to learn her own way..I dont know.

 

[kmn1980]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

She's overreacting. And tests are dumb. This is not high school.

C/S. Very immature. She should be glad because there are men who want to go dutch until the woman proves up to marriage potential. My husband has friends who would have told her "Okay, cool. You pay while I go to the bathroom."

And honestly, what makes her feel she is entitled to a free meal every time anyway?

 

[Kiadodie]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

Sorry dodie, but I have to at your friend. Why did she even feel the need to "test" him when he'd already paid for the previous 5 dates? If she doesn't click with a guy and decides to move on, that's cool, but she needs to stop playing games and looking for reasons to find fault with the men she dates.

Girl, that is the same exact question that I asked. I asked her was there MORE to this. She dated another dude for 2 years on and off and he finally just up and left her..literally. Then within one month she started going on match.com. I told her to heal from the previous relationshiop first. Now, she's trying to pick this guy all apart but I dont even think she's ready for a new relationship. And she's being trying to find fault with him from day one:

-he's too short
-she does most of the talking
-he made her go dutch at the 6th date (thats what she gets for testing him tho)
-he was late for one date

So maybe Thickhair is right, maybe shes just not feeling him and making excuses??

 

[Mena]

Re: So my friend "tests" this guy she's dating and feels he failed. What do you think

C/S. Very immature. She should be glad because there are men who want to go dutch until the woman proves up to marriage potential. My husband has friends who would have told her "Okay, cool. You pay while I go to the bathroom."

And honestly, what makes her feel she is entitled to a free meal every time anyway?

Because she is a woman. Lol.