SO/DH finds out he has a child AFTER your relationship started

[envybeauty]

Scenario:

A guy's check was being garnished for child support. Big surprise to him. Paternity test some months later confirm he is the father to a kid, now about 8 years old. HE CLAIMS HE HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE GIRL BEING PREGNANT OR EVEN THAT THIS KID WAS AROUND ALL THESE YEARS. The man has no other kids that he knows about.

You are already in a relationship with this man when he learns of this. You have no reason to doubt he didn't know. Let's say your relationship is new -- like a few months old.

Let's say you have always said:

You don't want to deal with a man that has kids (always been a major deal breaker for you).

You also believe that a child should be with his father (and not on the other coast), raised in a solid home (mother is on welfare with two other kids), ..... basically, everything about this scenario is so not you.

What would you do if you were the girl? If you were the guy?

I find it hard to counsel because as much as I believe in two-parent homes, fathers being responsible, etc., I find this situation to be quite exceptional. I mean the man doesn't feel like a father because he just learned about this little boy. The man is quite responsible but the kid will probably turn out like most other OOW little boys without a father around because of the way the father learned of his existence. The father is already living on the East Coast and the boy is on the West Coast.

 

[alwayzalady22]

that IS quite the exceptional case...

if he felt like he needed to be on the west coast full-time to be in his child's life, i'd have to let him and our relationship go. there are too many kids out here with no father, so if this man wanted to make the move to take care of his child, i'd support that 100%.

this question makes me uncomfortable part of the reason why i don't date men with kids now is because even if he's taking me to get some ice cream or something, i feel like that's at least money he could be spending on his kids i dunno, maybe i'm weird for that....

 

[cutiebe2]

hold up!

so his wages were being garnished, he never had a a paternity test, and he never received letter from the court/ baby moma and he is surprised he is a Daddy

sorry but..yeah right

this sounds like a man trying to hide/deny his child and that is not okay in my book

 

[tatiana]

The paternity test comes before the garnishing of the check and paternity tests need DNA. With some states this is a court order thus the guy knew. If they are garnishing that means he didn't pay when he was suppose to, is that why him and the kid live on the different coasts? This sounds like a deadbeat dad covering his tail to me and besides how responsible can this guy be if condoms only cost about 3 or 4 dollars.

 

[JustKiya]

Urm.

Nothing about that story smells right. I know Cali is - unique - when it comes to collecting CS (assuming son is in Cali) but - still.

a) Garnishing his check without court/pre-established payment schedule?
b) Garnishing his check without proof he was the father?
c) She could find him for the loot, but not to tell him he had a son?

Personally, my bullish radar would be going off the meter.

If - if -your friend actually believes his story - I'd tell bruh that he needs to know that I believe that his child should come first - and that if he chooses to move, she will miss him and support him in his choice. Hey, LDR's aren't all that bad.

Personally, I think it sounds like a lie, and I'd ditch him.

 

[lexi84]

How do you get paternity test results if he never took a paternity test?

 

[Keen]

hold up!

so his wages were being garnished, he never had a a paternity test, and he never received letter from the court/ baby moma and he is surprised he is a Daddy

sorry but..yeah right

this sounds like a man trying to hide/deny his child and that is not okay in my book

I find this strange too. They can't garnish his wages if he didn't know about this child. He could willingly set up payment plans to catch up but they don't just garnish your wages without due cause.

 

[envybeauty]

The way I was told the story, the paternity test was AFTER the garnishment. I guess the court order was from a California judge. At the time, he had already moved to the East Coast and was already living there for a few years before he found out about the kid.

I do, however, question a man's check being garnished without PROVING him to be the father first. I guess he was sent letters in Cali that he never received/responded to so maybe the garnishment was by default (without paternity testing first). I don't know -- I'm just trying to make sense of this nonsense because it just doesn't add up to me either.

Responsible: I figure him to be responsible NOW but admittedly, he got the girl knocked up when he was about 18/19 -- so I cut him some small, minute slack for being a reckless teenager.

 

[lexi84]

The way I was told the story, the paternity test was AFTER the garnishment. I guess the court order was from a California judge. At the time, he had already moved to the East Coast and was already living there for a few years before he found out about the kid.

I do, however, question a man's check being garnished without PROVING him to be the father first. I guess he was sent letters in Cali that he never received/responded to so maybe the garnishment was by default (without paternity testing first). I don't know -- I'm just trying to make sense of this nonsense because it just doesn't add up to me either.

Responsible: I figure him to be responsible NOW but admittedly, he got the girl knocked up when he was about 18/19 -- so I cut him some small, minute slack for being a reckless teenager.

Fair enough about the bolded, but I'm still confused about this. Sooooo the man mailed his DNA across the country after they garnished his check? Sorry for my ignorance, but I'm really not familiar with child support procedures

 

[lexi84]

I find this strange too. They can't garnish his wages if he didn't know about this child. He could willingly set up payment plans to catch up but they don't just garnish your wages without due cause.

And yea to just go ahead and garnish his check without due cause seems a bit unlawful. Doesnt make sense!!!!!!!!!

 

[envybeauty]

Urm.

Nothing about that story smells right. I know Cali is - unique - when it comes to collecting CS (assuming son is in Cali) but - still.

a) Garnishing his check without court/pre-established payment schedule?
b) Garnishing his check without proof he was the father?
c) She could find him for the loot, but not to tell him he had a son?

The story gets weirder. Supposedly, the woman is mentally unstable with some kind of disorder that she is taking medication for now. I am again, ASSUMING, that it was not her that pushed for the CS case but maybe a case worker, guardian ad litem, etc. because the mother is on aid (welfare). I don't know but I am again ASSUMING that's how it went down that the mother did not tell him directly about the kid.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

Sent you a PM

 

[MizzBrown]

Is it just me or has the Relationship Forum been poppin' lately?

 

[JustKiya]

The story gets weirder. Supposedly, the woman is mentally unstable with some kind of disorder that she is taking medication for now. I am again, ASSUMING, that it was not her that pushed for the CS case but maybe a case worker, guardian ad litem, etc. because the mother is on aid (welfare). I don't know but I am again ASSUMING that's how it went down that the mother did not tell him directly about the kid.

Interesting. Okay, I can see that. Clears up that bit.

Still smells funny.

 

[alwayzalady22]

i guess i didn't read the OP right

somethin' ain't clean in the milk!

 

[envybeauty]

Fair enough about the bolded, but I'm still confused about this. Sooooo the man mailed his DNA across the country after they garnished his check? Sorry for my ignorance, but I'm really not familiar with child support procedures

I dunno. I guess he went home and got tested while he was home in Cali on vacation. I can't see this happening and not at least jumping on a plane to get some answers.

Guessing....

 

[cocoberry10]

And yea to just go ahead and garnish his check without due cause seems a bit unlawful. Doesnt make sense!!!!!!!!!

Oh, it is (I'm a lawyer). I believe you said California (that's not where I practice).

But it's pretty safe to say that garnishing wages is more like a last resort, and not a first.

Usually, a person has filed child support claims (i.e. baby mama), your friend would have been served (probably at last known address), refused to/didn't pay and THEN the court will garnish wages (after a process).

If your friend really didn't believe He was the father, the FIRST thing I would have expected him to do would be to request a paternity test.

I don't know Envy, this story is fishy to me! Maybe he didn't want to tell you

 

[envybeauty]

Oh, it is (I'm a lawyer). I believe you said California (that's not where I practice).

But it's pretty safe to say that garnishing wages is more like a last resort, and not a first.

Usually, a person has filed child support claims (i.e. baby mama), your friend would have been served (probably at last known address), refused to/didn't pay and THEN the court will garnish wages (after a process).

If your friend really didn't believe He was the father, the FIRST thing I would have expected him to do would be to request a paternity test.

I don't know Envy, this story is fishy to me! Maybe he didn't want to tell you

Ohhhhhhhhhhh no. This is not MY problem. I heard it and was like, . Like, this stuff happens in real life?!?!? Wow. Hence, I am assuming a lot because I don't want to get all up in grown folks business.

 

[cocoberry10]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh no. This is not MY problem. I heard it and was like, . Like, this stuff happens in real life?!?!? Wow. Hence, I am assuming a lot because I don't want to get all up in grown folks business.

Oh, sorry! Well, whoever's problem this is (friend, etc.) I suspect their man knew or had reason to believe this child was his, especially with garnished wages.

No one is going to let the court take their money without just cause

 

[envybeauty]

Oh, sorry! Well, whoever's problem this is (friend, etc.) I suspect their man knew or had reason to believe this child was his, especially with garnished wages.

No one is going to let the court take their money without just cause

You're right. He probably suspected as much when he first found out.

 

[MizAvalon]

The fishy-ness of the story aside, I will answer the original question.

A SO-I doubt I would stay with him. Now part of his income is gone, possibly a good portion of his time(visitation). That is not what I signed up for. If I wanted to be with a man that had a kid, then I would be. There are millions of them around to choose from, I purposely avoid them. I know it's not the guy's fault if he truly didn't know but I'm not obligated to be with him and I wouldn't.

A DH-I would be very, very hurt. I would stick by him because I vowed to but I imagine I would be miserable. Becoming a Mom(even a part-time one) without having any say so whatsoever? I'd be hurt and mad as hell. There would be a lot of resentment. I would do my best but I really don't know if or how we would make it.

Just being honest.

 

[NOEChic]

my friend just found out she had a 30 something yr old older sister. b4 her dad joined the military he got with this chick, she got preggo, she told him it was not his, when he would go home on leave he would as his family and friends about the chick and the baby. the chick moved to another state got married and her new hubby raised the lil girl and the girl thought that her stepdad was her actual dad, fast forward 30 yrs, my friends dad is married has been for over 20 some odd yrs, has two kids with his wife and the chick just calls out of the blue saying how she JUST saw her birth certificate and realized it had his name on iterplexed asked her mom and her mom told her the truth

 

[ebonylocs]

Urm.

Nothing about that story smells right. I know Cali is - unique - when it comes to collecting CS (assuming son is in Cali) but - still.

a) Garnishing his check without court/pre-established payment schedule?
b) Garnishing his check without proof he was the father?
c) She could find him for the loot, but not to tell him he had a son?

Personally, my bullish radar would be going off the meter.

I agree (and with cocoberry's post as well). But at the same time, sometimes these governmental legal processes have their own momentum, i.e. you get notice of something, you get a certain time period to object or respond or whatever, and if you don't, then they move to the next step. So if you're not at the address, don't open your mail, etc, then you might find yourself outta luck. Maybe they sent him notice of the paternity claim, and told him that if he wanted to challenge it he could request a paternity test by a particular date. Maybe he didn't receive or open those notices, so he didn't object, so it was taken as a tacit consent to paternity. Then maybe they sent him some other communication requesting a payment plan, but he didn't receive/open/respond to that either, so end result was garnishment. *MAYBE*. I'm thinking that a paternity test would only ever occur before the payment plan / the garnishment if the purported father actively *disputes* paternity. If he doesn't, then he just agrees to payment or eventually they just take the money and that's that.

To answer the question, if he truly didn't know about this child, I don't think I'd be angry or upset. Don't know about the irresponsibility tag either. Slip-ups happen all the time, even when birth control is being used. I would just try to be as accepting and as loving to the child as possible, and encourage my partner to establish a relationship with him.

 

[MizAvalon]

my friend just found out she had a 30 something yr old older sister. b4 her dad joined the military he got with this chick, she got preggo, she told him it was not his, when he would go home on leave he would as his family and friends about the chick and the baby. the chick moved to another state got married and her new hubby raised the lil girl and the girl thought that her stepdad was her actual dad, fast forward 30 yrs, my friends dad is married has been for over 20 some odd yrs, has two kids with his wife and the chick just calls out of the blue saying how she JUST saw her birth certificate and realized it had his name on iterplexed asked her mom and her mom told her the truth

That scenario goes on a LOT. I wonder why the Mom never told him to begin with? I mean she even put his name on the birth certificate!

 

[NOEChic]

That scenario goes on a LOT. I wonder why the Mom never told him to begin with? I mean she even put his name on the birth certificate!

girl i could not even begin to tell you why she would do some stupid mess like that, b/c she knew where his momma, cousins, aunts, uncles and whateva lived b/c they lived in the same neighborhood, just trifling

 

[LunadeMiel]

Assuming everything he said is true, I would not stay with him. Since this relationship is fairly new I would have no problem leaving him.

 

[jerseygurl]

I would suspect theat he knew and is trying to save face.

But goodluck to whomever this is happening to cause I sure would say bye bye.

 

[dlewis]

I think I would have to end the realtionship.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

I'd make like his rent check and bounce.

I've been spending too much time with toddlers, but this reminds me of a jack-in-the-box. The couple is just cranking along, bopping to the music, then WHAM! Some jack-in-the-box kids and their mama pop up! I have a hunch the babydaddy didn't flinch when the lid popped open. He had played this song before and he knew what was coming. I think babydaddy should put the jack back in the box and play pop-goes-the weasel with someone else. If I were the lady, I'd bounce. She'll find another playmate with better toys somewhere. If the relationship is new, she'll be cutting her losses.

 

[Browndilocks]

Scenario:

A guy's check was being garnished for child support. Big surprise to him. Paternity test some months later confirm he is the father to a kid, now about 8 years old. HE CLAIMS HE HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE GIRL BEING PREGNANT OR EVEN THAT THIS KID WAS AROUND ALL THESE YEARS. The man has no other kids that he knows about.

You are already in a relationship with this man when he learns of this. You have no reason to doubt he didn't know. Let's say your relationship is new -- like a few months old.

Let's say you have always said:

You don't want to deal with a man that has kids (always been a major deal breaker for you).

You also believe that a child should be with his father (and not on the other coast), raised in a solid home (mother is on welfare with two other kids), ..... basically, everything about this scenario is so not you.

What would you do if you were the girl? If you were the guy?

I find it hard to counsel because as much as I believe in two-parent homes, fathers being responsible, etc., I find this situation to be quite exceptional. I mean the man doesn't feel like a father because he just learned about this little boy. The man is quite responsible but the kid will probably turn out like most other OOW little boys without a father around because of the way the father learned of his existence. The father is already living on the East Coast and the boy is on the West Coast.

This happened to me more than 2 years ago. I was devistated. He was playin the role to a tee, acting like he was tricked and robbed of knowing he had a child on the way. I wanted to believe him and was determined to keep my cool about it. I could not rationalize how a man who was spending as much money as he was on me, (buying jewelry, first class tickets, met his family,etc) would do those things, knowing he has a financial obligation to a child.

All I did was say a prayer and I asked God to make things plain for me. I believe that God will never place me in a messy situation. 1 week later, I found out that not only did he know about the child, he knew when the girl was pregnant. A mutual friend of ours that I hadn't spoken to in years sent me a "hello" message on myspace. I looked on her page through our alma mater's homecoming pictures the previous year, and she had a picture of him and the girl standing next to each other with a big belly. Apparently, he and I met when the girl was already about 6 months pregnant. He basically igged her the whole time we dated and I found out about it when the baby was 6 months old. When he "told" me, he then proceeded to ask me if we were still straight to go to Barbados that month because he needed a break from all of this newfound drama with the baby's mama. WTF?

He immediately got cut. Instantly. That day. That hour. That. Second.

And men like this are a real trip because they are the ones who do the dirt. They are the ones who hook up with one woman and decides to dog her, and try to move on to another woman who "fits their bill" better. They throw all this drama on you and not only expect you to be accepting of the situation, but to be empathetic as well and merciful to the fact that your relationship with him was all good. Ni$$a please.

In my opinion, there is no way, especially in this day and age a man could have a child and not possibly have a fraction of a clue that he does. The guy in the OP's post is a straight up LIAR and I hope the woman he's with doesn't play the fool and fall for the okey doke, allowing this loser to get away with being trifling all around.