He went too far....

[bunnie82]

"Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and "The 5 Love languages..."

very powerful reads.....helps with understanding and coping with the opposite sex.

 

[1QTPie]

Men think that their job is to fix things. Just be clear with him at all times how you feel. I know that you are hurting, but from what you've said, he wasn't trying to add to your pain. He just doesn't understand. You have every right to be pissed and he needs to understand that this is not something that you desire right now.

(((hugs)))

 

[shespoison]

I am sorry this happened. I would have lost my rabid @ss mind,

I am sure things will turn out ok for you though.... I am still cursing your Fh out for you (in my head)

 

[bunnie82]

@bunnie82 I wish it was a book. This epiphany came to me while driving home yesterday morning. I could not understand why we were not getting through to each other!! Now I do. We were focussing on different things!!

All I have to do now is hit him over the head with a brick till HE gets it.

He will try to justify it, to the point where you think YOU are being unreasonable. If it is important to you, you are not being unreasonable.

PS our issue is not even close to being as big a deal as yours is. it's biggish (mediumish) but I think father/daughter relationships are particularly sacred.

ivyness

LOL!!! you are so funny!!

well i'm glad you have an understanding bc that will help A LOT in the long run!!!

 

[bunnie82]

Okay ladies....so I talked to him today after he read my email and he said he gets it now....

I also told him that he will need to call my father and tell him that was not the truth....he was hesitant about it but agreed....

 

[hopeful]

bunnie82, I'm glad that you two are working through this. It is hard to imagine that after all you shared with your fh that he would still go against your wishes and would need the long e-mail and your stepping away to finally "get it". I hurt for you just reading your post. To me your fh should hurt for you and not want anything to do with the man who hurt and abused the woman he wants to marry. I just don't get it . But I will say that I am so proud of you for standing your ground -- good for you. And yes, making your fh repair the damage is essential, a further lesson to him to respect your wishes and that no means no. He should feel the consequence of his mistake, and it was a big one. I wish you all the best in the world. As another little girl who was abused by her father too, I wish you all the love in the world, and pray that your husband's love will be very healing for you and affirming that you are indeed lovable and beautiful.

 

[ManeStreet]

I am pissed, sad and hurt!

Before I get into the whole scenario, you all should know that I do not get along with my father, we do not speak to each other AT ALL....at a young age he told me that he didn't want a daughter and wanted a son....he used to be beat me- not spanking-beat, but beat-down-beat...punch, kick, slap etc....I was told that no matter what, i wouldn't amount to anything. I'd have a few kids and do absolutely nothing with my life.(I am not saying any of this to get sympathy from any of you, just giving you a little background.)

Okay...

So me and my boyfriend have been talking about marriage and things are getting REALLY serious. He is carribean but grew up in texas. He has a southern way of life and wanted to ask my father for my hand in marriage. I told him it was not a good idea, and that it didn't make any sense as I do not have a relationship with my father so why would it matter??? He kept insisting...and i kept saying NO....

Finally today he asks me to give him my father's phone number again! I say no!...he kept asking, so i tell him to call my mother and ask her for the number--i THOUGHT she wouldn't give up the number but she did. big mistake on my part.

So he calls my father and they are conversing...My father was saying nice things about me which I found STRANGE being that we do not communicate at all....Anyway....so since my father was saying nice things, my bf decided to LIE and say that I told him that i would LOVE for my father to walk me down the aisle.

I BEG YOUR PARDON! THAT IS ONE THING I WOULD NOT LIKE!
WTF WAS HE THINKING>>???!

When he told me what he had said, I was waiting for him to tell me that he was kidding.....but he wasn't kidding...
He said he was hoping that lie would get him to call me and want a relationship with me.

i INSTANTLY started bawling!!! who are YOU to try to rearrange and "fix" my life...He went too far and overstepped his boundaries...

my relationship with my father is just that - MY RELATIONSHIP...

What the hell did he think?! He would mend a 30 year broken relationship all in a 30 minute phone call????

He wants me to "try"...but i've tried, and i'm not trying anymore...i'm so over it.

I know he was only trying to help....but c'mon, that was not cool...AT ALL! He feels that since I wasn't molested, that I should be able to move on and overlook the past. At least I have a father...

I don't see it that way...

You may not want to hear this but for your own benefit you should work on mending your relationship with your father. I'm not saying you should have him walk you down the aisle but before getting married one of the best things you can do is plant seeds of forgiveness in your life.

 

[TrueToHair]

............................

 

[hopeful]

You may not want to hear this but for your own benefit you should work on mending your relationship with your father. I'm not saying you should have him walk you down the aisle but before getting married one of the best things you can do is plant seeds of forgiveness in your life.

She can forgive (release any hatred) as best she can without having any type of relationship with her father at all. I don't blame her one bit. Why bring a hateful, cruel man into her life? Why should she try to mend a relationship with the man who beat and berated her? I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

[ms.mimi]

Okay ladies....so I talked to him today after he read my email and he said he gets it now....

I also told him that he will need to call my father and tell him that was not the truth....he was hesitant about it but agreed....

Good for him! Respect restored

 

[Evolving78]

glad you and your FH are able to work things out!

 

[My Friend]

Bunnie,

I'm glad you and your future husband worked things out.

 

[ManeStreet]

She can forgive (release any hatred) as best she can without having any type of relationship with her father at all. I don't blame her one bit. Why bring a hateful, cruel man into her life? Why should she try to mend a relationship with the man who beat and berated her? I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that he needs to walk her down the aisle. Or that she has to welcome him back in her life today. It's just that when we carry with us resentment from the past it resurfaces in present. Marriage requires Alot of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Its not easy but it's freeing.

 

[FelaShrine]

Your fh sounds annoying. Does he know the background btw you and your father? Why would he even want him in the wedding knowing that? I would be upset too. He disregarded your feelings to fulfill his desires. Thats selfish.

Truth. Lord knows what other things he will disregard when yall finally get married. I dont like it. I wish you well but you really need to take time away from him so he can understand how messed up his action was..when he sees you're not kidding, maybe he'll wake up

ETA: LOL I see he realized he messed up and yesss on him taking back the invitation

 

[MzLady78]

Oh this would burn me up.
I was getting to know someone (we hadn't known each other long) and we got on the subject of fathers and this person told me I should just "get over it" over my issues with my dad and his neglect and abuse of myself and my sister.

It really hurt to have someone just totally disregard how I felt so I truly understand. You have to tell him how hurt by your actions and he needs to consider your feelings and your wishes...

:hardslap:

This is exactly why I don't get into my issues with my father that much. It's one of those things where if you haven't been through it, you don't really understand. And when you don't understand things, you tend to downplay them. My relationship, or lack thereof, with my father has had a MAJOR impact on my life, so how dare someone tell me to "get over it".

OP, you had every right to be pissed, but I'm glad you're working it out.

 

[Curlykale]

OP I'm happy that your soon to be husband and you could talk through this and sort it out, best wishes!

 

[bunnie82]

She can forgive (release any hatred) as best she can without having any type of relationship with her father at all. I don't blame her one bit. Why bring a hateful, cruel man into her life? Why should she try to mend a relationship with the man who beat and berated her? I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me.

hopeful

Thank you for writing that. I was just gonna ignore that comment and put it in the "they just don't get it" pile. I just can't do that....and it may sound absurd to some but I can't! and won't! It would be different if he was actually trying and I am rejecting the offer..but he is not and never has! Why would I try to MAKE someone want me and love me....that never works for ANY situation.

Thank you again! You are so sweet alll the time.

 

[bunnie82]

I would recommend going to a credentialed psychiatrist to at least get all of this out before you marry. Just a few sessions so you can calm your thoughts and heal.

I don't think your "father" deserves you, and you don't need that in your life. Just because he reproduced to have you, it doesn't mean he truly fathered you. I'm not one of those people who believes you HAVE to have a toxic relationship with someone just because they are "family." "Family" can do you dirty. You don't need that in your life or your children's lives.

I would also recommend you getting it out with the psychiatrist because I can't really tell if you feel you mother kind of stood by and let this happen.

You sound like a really strong person. I'm glad you stood up for yourself so that you and your fiance can have a relationship built on truth.

TrueToHair

She did, and although I have a pretty good relationship with my mom, I still kind of resent her for it...

thank you so much for your kind words....and yes counseling well definitely be taking place. We are planing on individual counseling as well as premarital counseling.

 

[bunnie82]

Forgiveness doesn't mean that he needs to walk her down the aisle. Or that she has to welcome him back in her life today. It's just that when we carry with us resentment from the past it resurfaces in present. Marriage requires Alot of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Its not easy but it's freeing.

ManeStreet

Oh I can definitely fogive. But forgiving does not go hand in hand with forgetting. A lot of us confuse that. I will never forget what he did to me and tried to damage my person. NEVER....but I can forgive him and move on with my life. Doesn't mean that I'm going to call him and plan daddy daughter outings....that will never happen...30 years later....for me, it's too late for all that....so late that i don't want any of it anymore....

 

[bunnie82]

:hardslap:

This is exactly why I don't get into my issues with my father that much. It's one of those things where if you haven't been through it, you don't really understand. And when you don't understand things, you tend to downplay them. My relationship, or lack thereof, with my father has had a MAJOR impact on my life, so how dare someone tell me to "get over it".

OP, you had every right to be pissed, but I'm glad you're working it out.

MzLady78

Yeah...He just had this image of what a "family" should be and he just wanted to "fix" it....that is a no-no


Thank youu!

 

[TrueToHair]

[................................

 

[michelle81]

My DH tries to play my counselor at times with my family as well. Sometimes it's okay, but in an abusive situation, you should have the lead/control there.

Good luck and congrats on the wedding/marriage!

 

[Ayesha81]

You have every right to be upset. What your fiancee did has nothing to do with you. He did what made HIM feel good not you. He reached out to your father because he wants to seen as a Hero. His motive was completely selfish.