Successful relationships that started as an affair??

[SugarBaby]

Yes, the Bible is open to interpretation thus the fact that there is not one Christian church but many denominations therein.

I stand on my original point and I hope you stand on yours as well. Mine was that folks would like to think that divine justice will be there's in the case of an affair, but that is not always the choice. I believe it is a source of comfort for us to believe that if our husband hurts us in such a deep way, "God is gonna GET HIM!!!" And we have something specific in mind. The new woman will be a "lowdown whore" and she'll hurt him just as he has hurt me, etc., etc.

Humans will almost always know hurt because that is the nature of life. They will also know pleasure. We can interpret the circumstances of their lives as we like. I hope your strategy for keeping "harm" at bay works.

Thank you for the original discussion ladies. I'm not going to debate religion so I'll leave this particular topic alone.
p1

It was not my intention to debate religion. I apologize if that was what the discussion became. I enjoy discussion and I did not realize it appeared to be a debate.

 

[JFemme]

My unpopular opinion concerning these attribution theories is that they serve as a social control mechanism for those who bite. An attempt to shame, moralize, other women into complaince with a code that supposedly serves the greater good. Sealing good marriages from harm, foul from other women folk. Men surely wont be controlled, so lets turn on ourselves..

Peace, ya'll ....

eta: I mean NO disrepect to anyones moral, spiritual or religious leanings.
This is my PERSONAL opinion...

double peace...

 

[SugarBaby]

and I suggest you read about the millions of folk who die horrible deaths and suffer great tragedy everyday and then tell me it's due to karma David isn't you or me and for every David their is someone who cheated and has a great life...it is possible, despite what some want to believe, for those who have cheated and married to become better than they used to be and be forgiven by God and blessed in their lives and their new marriages. If it serves some to not want to believe this because of whatever reason, then so be it, but it's true.

I did not suggest say this or imply this in anything I posted. (the bolded)

You are exactly right, it is possible for someone that cheated to be blessed by God. I agree.

I only said that the infidelity would be punished. No more or less.

 

[SugarBaby]

My unpopular opinion concerning these attribution theories is that they serve as a social control mechanism for those who bite. An attempt to shame, moralize, other women into complaince with a code that supposedly serves the greater good. Sealing good marriages from harm, foul from other women folk. Men surely wont be controlled, so lets turn on ourselves..

Peace, ya'll ....

I always enjoy your posts. I am not understanding the bolded. I would like to hear your opinion and thoughts if you would care elaborate.

thanks

 

[patient1]

My unpopular opinion concerning these attribution theories is that they serve as a social control mechanism for those who bite. An attempt to shame, moralize, other women into complaince with a code that supposedly serves the greater good. Sealing good marriages from harm, foul from other women folk. Men surely wont be controlled, so lets turn on ourselves..

Peace, ya'll ....

And there it is...and surely not functioning as they had hoped!!! My grandfather and his second wife were blessed with a healthy daughter late in life (she in her 40's and he in his 50's). Isn't it something to know the David/Bathsheba camp is still waiting for her or the grandchildren to drop dead???

p1

 

[patient1]

It was not my intention to debate religion. I apologize if that was what the discussion became. I enjoy discussion and I did not realize it appeared to be a debate.

Hi Sweetie,

When the Bible is brought into the discussion, then religion soon steps in. And religion, spirituality, etc. is personal. I try very hard not to go back and forth on something that is, in my mind, sacred. Especially not over the net.

I know the Bible and believe it can be interpreted. You shared in your posts that you did not. And there is no right or wrong in our stances. We believe what we believe. I enjoy discussions as well. I even enjoy a healthy debate at times . It's excellent mental exercise. But I've learned that those surrounding religion don't go too well.

Nothing against you and I'll certainly read whatever you have to say if you continue to share.

p1

 

[SugarBaby]

Hi Sweetie,

When the Bible is brought into the discussion, then religion soon steps in. And religion, spirituality, etc. is personal. I try very hard not to go back and forth on something that is, in my mind, sacred. Especially not over the net.

I know the Bible and believe it can be interpreted. You shared in your posts that you did not. And there is no right or wrong in our stances. We believe what we believe. I enjoy discussions as well. I even enjoy a healthy debate at times . It's excellent mental exercise. But I've learned that those surrounding religion don't go too well.

Nothing against you and I'll certainly read whatever you have to say if you continue to share.

p1

Well I agree bringing up the bible can get heated.

The only part I want to correct is that I said the commandments can not be intrepreted. I believe that if God says Don't... Thou shall not...

I don't see where there is anything that can be intrepreted from that. (IMO)

On the other point, I do believe there is right and wrong in our stances.

 

[SugarBaby]

Hi Sweetie,

When the Bible is brought into the discussion, then religion soon steps in. And religion, spirituality, etc. is personal. I try very hard not to go back and forth on something that is, in my mind, sacred. Especially not over the net.


p1

I just re-read my posts, some came off too strong. Religion and bible don't translate well when you feel strongly about a topic.

 

[patient1]

Well I agree bringing up the bible can get heated.

The only part I want to correct is that I said the commandments can not be intrepreted. I believe that if God says Don't... Thou shall not...

I don't see where there is anything that can be intrepreted from that. (IMO)

On the other point, I do believe there is right and wrong in our stances.

It gets heated because of the multiple interpretations, experiences, etc. that are brought to bear on the conversation. I'm not here to change anyone's mind. And the beautiful JFemme always reminds me to respect folks' process. (I hope others do the same for me. We are ALL works in progress right? )

But see I don't believe you are "wrong" to see the Bible (or rather commandments) as not open to interpretation and you see my belief that it IS as wrong. So discussion would be futile. I'm open to hearing what you have to say because I don't see your beliefs as wrong, rather I believe we hold different opinions. And there is no wrong in that.

Adieu!

p1

 

[patient1]

I just re-read my posts, some came off too strong. Religion and bible don't translate well when you feel strongly about a topic.

I don't think you came off "too strong". You feel passionate about the subject (your faith, etc.) and passion need not be apologized for.

p1

 

[SugarBaby]

It gets heated because of the multiple interpretations, experiences, etc. that are brought to bear on the conversation. I'm not here to change anyone's mind. And the beautiful JFemme always reminds me to respect folks' process. (I hope others do the same for me. We are ALL works in progress right? )

But see I don't believe you are "wrong" to see the Bible (or rather commandments) as not open to interpretation and you see my belief that it IS as wrong. So discussion would be futile[/COLOR]. I'm open to hearing what you have to say because I don't see your beliefs as wrong, rather I believe we hold different opinions. And there is no wrong in that.

Adieu!

p1

Hello P1...I'm back...

I want to make sure we are talking about the same thing. I realize that the information in the Bible can have different interpretations. I think we agree there.

This is where I think I we break ranks...I don't think the commandments. I am talking about the 10 commandments is NOT up for interpretation.

When it says Do not commit adultery. I don't see any grey in that. Jesus later explains if adultery is commited, that he will punish this offense. Jesus many times explained the same thing many different times in the Bible, but the meaning was still the same.

This is what I was talking about. So if you are saying that the 10 commandments can be interpretated differently...then yes we are at an

 

[patient1]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adultery

States can't even agree on one set definition of adultery. LOL! If my religion allows for polygamy and my husband takes another wife (or two or three) it could be argued by some that he is commiting adultery.

Some folks stay widowed forever because they feel that sex with someone new would constitute adultery.

Don't even get started on "stealing". If I need one hundred dollars to pay my rent and I find a roll of loose bills on the ground....is it a blessing or theft if I keep what is not mine? I don't mean for that to be answered. I'm just making the point...

There will always be grey/gray because there is more than one version of the Bible "authorized" by whomever, etc. for whatever reason. Vastly different religions reference this same text and find justification/explanation for their faith. Within those faiths there are orthodox versions and more "liberal" ones. That doesn't mean it's not valid or useful. It simply means that I don't dismiss folks interpretations of it as "wrong".

That said...

I'm not here with you, though. So don't be upset if you don't hear headbanging on the other side. Your relationship with God (as you understand) is personal. That is my deepest stance. And I, therefore, don't like to debate a person's faith or the quality/validity therein. This can be a challenge (there are some beliefs so far from my own), but it's worthy work.

p1

 

[lisana]

there are successful relationships that started as affairs, that is all.

 

[SugarBaby]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adultery

States can't even agree on one set definition of adultery. LOL! If my religion allows for polygamy and my husband takes another wife (or two or three) it could be argued by some that he is commiting adultery.

Some folks stay widowed forever because they feel that sex with someone new would constitute adultery.

Don't even get started on "stealing". If I need one hundred dollars to pay my rent and I find a roll of loose bills on the ground....is it a blessing or theft if I keep what is not mine? I don't mean for that to be answered. I'm just making the point...

There will always be grey/gray because there is more than one version of the Bible "authorized" by whomever, etc. for whatever reason. Vastly different religions reference this same text and find justification/explanation for their faith. Within those faiths there are orthodox versions and more "liberal" ones. That doesn't mean it's not valid or useful. It simply means that I don't dismiss folks interpretations of it as "wrong".

That said...

I'm not here with you, though. So don't be upset if you don't hear headbanging on the other side. Your relationship with God (as you understand) is personal. That is my deepest stance. And I, therefore, don't like to debate a person's faith or the quality/validity therein. This can be a challenge (there are some beliefs so far from my own), but it's worthy work.

p1

I am not upset at all. I used the really as a fun way to say we see it different.

I have enjoyed the exchage and hopefully we have carried on a respectful dialogue w/ two different viewpoints.

I appreciate hearing your view and I hope you appreciated hearing mine.

 

[stinastina]

The basic truth is (religion and spirituality aside) that IF you said vows of fidelity at your wedding and you chose to violate them, you have done something wrong - you have lied to your spouse and to whoever else was present at your ceremony (not to mention your deity, if that was mentioned in your vows).

If you marry the person who felt it was okay that you cheated and broke your vows, then that person is no better than you. Maybe the two of you deserve to be together for a long time, since you have so much in common.

 

[Princess Cherish]

I know somebody that got a married girl pregnant. She divorced her husband and married him. It's like 5 years later and they're still married, have a second kid and everything.

 

[MrsBKJ]

Ok dont kick my butt!
But I am used to it esp from the ladies on this board!

When my SO and I started talking he was married. He was very unhappy in his relationship and was really only married because his then wife had gotten pregnant and he was raised to "do the right thing". So he did but he was not happy. She essentially booked the wedding after he put it off and off many many times, he turned up after work in jeans and a T shirt (!). He worked the second AND third shift and she worked during the day so they hardly ever saw each other.
They got married and that was that.
We met, talked and he told me he was married but separated (emotionally he was but physically not). He never really talked about her and certainly didnt say anything bad about her. It was not sexual and not even physical (did not even kiss or hug him till after his divorce) between us. There was a chemistry but he was married.
He got a job and moved out for 18 months, went back and packed his stuff and moved out.
Moved back in with mom (I KNOW LOL) because he left her the house and car etc and took the debts.
He applied for his divorced, we got together and worked through the issues he had (she was physically abusive towards him and played some serious head games with him).

Ten years on we are still together. It hasnt been easy but long distance relationships never are. I love him to bits and I know he feels the same. We have talked about how resposnible I feel for the ending of his marriage but he has reassured me time and time again he wasnt about to stay with a woman who called him a dead beat dad and "typical n***er" in front of his son even though he worked two jobs.


Uzz

 

[Lucie]

I guess being a true romantic, I believe it is possible. I think it is unreasonable to believe that everyone married is with their true soulmate. The divorce rates did not get that way for no reason.

With of all that being said I don't know how much I would trust that person though.

 

[Connie]

Marriage doesn't guarantee a successful relationship, nor is a relationship that began as an affair guaranteed to be doomed, because the success of any relationship depends on the RIGHT two people being together to begin with.

However, I do have an issue with people who realize they're in a relationship that's going south and elect to begin one with someone else while they're still in that relationship. If it's that bad, end the relationship with the one you're with, THEN move on. Why grown people would elect to go through the drama of being a deceiver and the betrayer of someone's trust and having someone hate them for it is beyond me. Did making clean breaks become passe or something?

 

[sassygirl2]

I think what goes around, comes around. And regardless of whether the relationship lasts 100 years or not, they both know one thing for sure about each other: they are liars and cheaters.

I agree with you a 100% i couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[sassygirl2]

He wanted that ugly woman BAD, didn't he??? erplexed

lol

 

[lisana]

goodness, the power of growth in wisdom, in morality, is an awesome power, so just because you were once a liar, a cheat, etc. doesn't mean you always will be. Some need to believe this because the thought of someone who is these things turning into a great person is UNFATHOMABLE but it happens. If some don't want to believe, then fine, but you are in the dark.

 

[donna894]

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are another couple whose relationship started off as an affair.

 

[TCatt86]

goodness, the power of growth in wisdom, in morality, is an awesome power, so just because you were once a liar, a cheat, etc. doesn't mean you always will be. Some need to believe this because the thought of someone who is these things turning into a great person is UNFATHOMABLE but it happens. If some don't want to believe, then fine, but you are in the dark.

I don't know of many relationships that started this way, but I agree with what you said. People change for the better and for the worse. I mean I am not the same person I was two years ago.

 

[chellero]

Ok dont kick my butt!
But I am used to it esp from the ladies on this board!

When my SO and I started talking he was married. He was very unhappy in his relationship and was really only married because his then wife had gotten pregnant and he was raised to "do the right thing". So he did but he was not happy. She essentially booked the wedding after he put it off and off many many times, he turned up after work in jeans and a T shirt (!). He worked the second AND third shift and she worked during the day so they hardly ever saw each other.
They got married and that was that.
We met, talked and he told me he was married but separated (emotionally he was but physically not). He never really talked about her and certainly didnt say anything bad about her. It was not sexual and not even physical (did not even kiss or hug him till after his divorce) between us. There was a chemistry but he was married.
He got a job and moved out for 18 months, went back and packed his stuff and moved out.
Moved back in with mom (I KNOW LOL) because he left her the house and car etc and took the debts.
He applied for his divorced, we got together and worked through the issues he had (she was physically abusive towards him and played some serious head games with him).

Ten years on we are still together. It hasnt been easy but long distance relationships never are. I love him to bits and I know he feels the same. We have talked about how resposnible I feel for the ending of his marriage but he has reassured me time and time again he wasnt about to stay with a woman who called him a dead beat dad and "typical n***er" in front of his son even though he worked two jobs.


Uzz

I don't care how good of a wife someone is, if a man wants to cheat on her then he will always find a "reason" to do so. One day he will likely be talking about you to some other woman if he isn't doing so already.

 

[Finesse]

ummm..... good thread

 

[Mik]

I'm sure plenty of relationships that started as affairs have had some measure of success.

That being said, I've known a lot of cheaters, the vast majority of those who cheated didn't just cheat and stop. They cheated over and over and over again. Whether it was 1 year down the line or 10 years down the line, they cheated again.

I think its naive to say, "yeah he cheated with me, but he loves me so much that he'll NEVER cheat on me."

 

[tocktick]

In my thought pattern, Karma is simply a teacher. It's not about punishment. It's about you learning the side that is foreign to you. "Good" things happen to "bad" people and "bad" things happen to "good" people. And that can simply be defined as: Life.

One might like to think that divine justice will be meted out, but that's not how it works in my experience/observation. Furthermore, I don't like to attribute a bad experience (the loss of a child for instance) to a karmic lesson, payback, or anything else. It's a bit too much like playing God.

p1

nope, I don't believe God works this way...this is just something folks like you say when you don't know what else to say, but it's ok. I'm sure your main point was to say that these types of infidelities can cause great pain that can keep going thru the years...that's more than enough without bringing in karma and children dying, etc. etc.

i agree. i do not believe that the consequence dealt out by karma for cheating is the death of a child. wtf? but i'm not god so i won't claim this is so for certain or that it isn't. however, it's just very difficult idea to wrap my head around though.

anyway, i believe many marriages born out of affairs are ones that are riddled with issues straight from go. as thus, the relationship is unsuccessful. however, i believe there are some who have entered in relationships in this way and are very happy.

i think many people want to believe all relationships like this are "doomed" because it did not start the right way. some feel a failed or unhappy marriage is their "just desserts". they feel the couple do not deserve to be happy.

personally, whilst i acknowledge people can have a good marriage this way, i think the opposite scenario is more likely and still believe the man or woman in the marriage should be divorced before entering another relationship.

 

[MrsBKJ]

I don't care how good of a wife someone is, if a man wants to cheat on her then he will always find a "reason" to do so. One day he will likely be talking about you to some other woman if he isn't doing so already.

Thank you, I do respect that and I have had issue with it since we got together. We were not actually in a relationship while he was married we were very good friends and things developed from there.
I did fall in love with a married man but he didnt know at the time. It was only when it was over between the two of them that we admitted we had feelings. Which isnt any better I know but to me there is a difference. I didnt choose to fall in love and I kept a lid on my feelings for as long as I could.
He has grown and changed from who he was as have I, we have discussed him cheating, how this has impacted on us etc and what goes around comes around but honestly people dont always make the same mistake twice you can learn and decide not to do something again. Which I believe he has. Yes he may be talking to other women but i know he wouldnt bother paying out over $1500 every six months to come out and see me and not get a whole lot from me (sexually) when he could be getting it over there.
Im not saying i KNOW he wont cheat but I trust him because I know him and hes not the 24 year old naive man that married because a woman because he had to.

Thank you again for your comments I do acknowledge that it is not an easy subject to talk about but it is less easier to be in the situation.

Uzz

 

[Princess4real]

Thank you, I do respect that and I have had issue with it since we got together. We were not actually in a relationship while he was married we were very good friends and things developed from there.
I did fall in love with a married man but he didnt know at the time. It was only when it was over between the two of them that we admitted we had feelings. Which isnt any better I know but to me there is a difference. I didnt choose to fall in love and I kept a lid on my feelings for as long as I could.
He has grown and changed from who he was as have I, we have discussed him cheating, how this has impacted on us etc and what goes around comes around but honestly people dont always make the same mistake twice you can learn and decide not to do something again. Which I believe he has. Yes he may be talking to other women but i know he wouldnt bother paying out over $1500 every six months to come out and see me and not get a whole lot from me (sexually) when he could be getting it over there.
Im not saying i KNOW he wont cheat but I trust him because I know him and hes not the 24 year old naive man that married because a woman because he had to.

Thank you again for your comments I do acknowledge that it is not an easy subject to talk about but it is less easier to be in the situation.

Uzz

That's really not a lot of money. People pay that in child support every month. People will ruin every thing they have built with someone over a piece of ass that wasn't worth losing their marriage or the relationship that they were in. Please don't think he won't do it to you because of the things that he buys you or how much money he spends to come see you. I wish you the best and I hope he never hurts you.