*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*
- Thread starter DarkJoy
- Start date
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
I'm happy to chat about it with you!
I had considered starting a thread for those who:
- Are still optimistic about love
- Truly believe that there are still good black men out there and
-Believe in the power and value of femininity.
Fortunately, I have two happily married friends who are in healthy relationships who have given me a ton of gems of the years. This is one reason why I don't buy into the extreme pov's that I see online. But I can see why it would be tough if you have never seen it or experienced it
Also, there are wayyyy too many people with opinions who have never maintained a healthy relationship.
I love men, black men specifically and love the value they have brought to my life. I am biased because I have a number of male siblings so I've been exposed to good black men. I also had a father. My parents were married and my mother was a housewife..mso yeah, I'm biased lol.
But also despite us not making it to the altar, my ex fiance was a good man. A great one if I am being honest about it. I posted before why I had to end things so I'm not gonna go into it here.
Anyway, don't let the sample size fool you. There may be some tweaks you can make to find what you want.
**Also be careful about holding on to hypergamous ways of thinking without practicing your part of the lifestyle. This is a little hard to explain...so I will start a new post.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
You def create that thread. I read the femininity thread it’s old but had a lot of nuggets. In this era I feel many have rejected anything undeniable girl. I also had to do a lot of self work to unlearn the grooming from my upbringing. I never say housewives and def not black ones.
I am working on my scarlet letter, size but really strive to live out my feminine expression. I have hope even tho I have not had much success nor have been around high quality men personally.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Last year I spent some time learning about hypergamy from some of the popular coaches out there. I was only curious because I know hypergamous women in real life and it made a lot of sense to me.
Before I start, my post is not up for debate. I am sharing my takeaways.
1. Hypergamy is a legit lifestyle.
2. Hypergamy is a lifestyle (or a lane as I call it)
3. It ain't for everybody.
3a. Many coaches would have you believe that this is the only way a man and women can maintain a successful relationship. This isn't true imo
4. There are specific criteria for both men and women in order to be hypergamous which means
4a. If you don't fit that criteria then there is no point in arguing from outside of the club. Also if you don't fit the criteria, it doesn't mean you are not desirable, it just might mean you can work a different "lane"
5. There is always an exception to the rule meaning, yes, you can be 250lbs and marry a well to do man. Actually, according to hypergamy Ciara is an exception because as a single mother, she does not qualify.
6. Your blood pressure might've gotten high reading alladis so here is a friendly reminder that hypergamy comes with it's own rules and I wasn't the one who made them. Would you go to the front door of a country club and complain that their criteria hurts your feelings cus you can't be a member? No? Ok then, you'd find another hang out spot :shrug:
I personally don't subscribe completely to hypergamy. Maybe I would if I was a natural size zero, tbh. Also, I don't mind contributing to my relationships. Maybe 70/30, with him being the 70 of course. But I do feel like there are some great takeaways regarding femininity and how I can use it to navigate life better. Playing up my femininity has been quite beneficial and fun. I'm still learning my lane (a concept I came up with) but so far men are responsive to me as is. This means they will give me a seat on the train over the other women who also get on, run up to hold doors for me, random stuff that I can post when I remember. Also, I notice a positive response from other women. The other day two older ladies stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute (I'm on the precipice of 40 being called "cute"
). That same day other random women complimented me on the street.
Anyway, I'm fleshing out the idea of lanes and archetypes because I find that being in my feminine benefits me. I want to see where this goes.
Anyway, back to the list... From what I've observed hypergamous men have enough resources to take care of a family. Hypergamous women are fit and feminine. I noticed the uproar around the criteria, but from people who don't qualify. I think once you've experienced the lifestyle you can then have an informed opinion on the game. That's my opinion on it . Also, I'm not arguing about the criteria, once again, I did not create it.
I am happy to talk about my thoughts on the criteria in another post, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who got caught up in the fray, esp around KS and may have felt lesser than or left out because of his popularity.
Before I start, my post is not up for debate. I am sharing my takeaways.
1. Hypergamy is a legit lifestyle.
2. Hypergamy is a lifestyle (or a lane as I call it)
3. It ain't for everybody.
3a. Many coaches would have you believe that this is the only way a man and women can maintain a successful relationship. This isn't true imo
4. There are specific criteria for both men and women in order to be hypergamous which means
4a. If you don't fit that criteria then there is no point in arguing from outside of the club. Also if you don't fit the criteria, it doesn't mean you are not desirable, it just might mean you can work a different "lane"
5. There is always an exception to the rule meaning, yes, you can be 250lbs and marry a well to do man. Actually, according to hypergamy Ciara is an exception because as a single mother, she does not qualify.
6. Your blood pressure might've gotten high reading alladis so here is a friendly reminder that hypergamy comes with it's own rules and I wasn't the one who made them. Would you go to the front door of a country club and complain that their criteria hurts your feelings cus you can't be a member? No? Ok then, you'd find another hang out spot :shrug:
I personally don't subscribe completely to hypergamy. Maybe I would if I was a natural size zero, tbh. Also, I don't mind contributing to my relationships. Maybe 70/30, with him being the 70 of course. But I do feel like there are some great takeaways regarding femininity and how I can use it to navigate life better. Playing up my femininity has been quite beneficial and fun. I'm still learning my lane (a concept I came up with) but so far men are responsive to me as is. This means they will give me a seat on the train over the other women who also get on, run up to hold doors for me, random stuff that I can post when I remember. Also, I notice a positive response from other women. The other day two older ladies stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute (I'm on the precipice of 40 being called "cute"
). That same day other random women complimented me on the street.Anyway, I'm fleshing out the idea of lanes and archetypes because I find that being in my feminine benefits me. I want to see where this goes.
Anyway, back to the list... From what I've observed hypergamous men have enough resources to take care of a family. Hypergamous women are fit and feminine. I noticed the uproar around the criteria, but from people who don't qualify. I think once you've experienced the lifestyle you can then have an informed opinion on the game. That's my opinion on it . Also, I'm not arguing about the criteria, once again, I did not create it.
I am happy to talk about my thoughts on the criteria in another post, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who got caught up in the fray, esp around KS and may have felt lesser than or left out because of his popularity.
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Plushottie
Thicc and fione
You hit the nail on the head. I believe some coaches and use that term loosely appeal to certain camps as they will either pander or create a uproar. Anytime anyone is ugly for the sake of keeping it real always is a big no but take the meat. It’s just the facts a woman’s value is her looks and man is his wallet. I don’t believe in absolutes but it’s on a spectrum. I don’t believe anyone can make you feel less but their tone can trigger which is bad but was done on purpose. Would love to see this in a thread as I’m hyper focused on getting my self together and it can be a lonely ride.Last year I spent some time learning about hypergamy from some of the popular coaches out there. I was only curious because I know hypergamous women in real life and it made a lot of sense to me.
Before I start, my post is not up for debate. I am sharing my takeaways.
1. Hypergamy is a legit lifestyle.
2. Hypergamy is a lifestyle (or a lane as I call it)
3. It ain't for everybody.
3a. Many coaches would have you believe that this is the only way a man and women can maintain a successful relationship. This isn't true imo
4. There are specific criteria for both men and women in order to be hypergamous which means
4a. If you don't fit that criteria then there is no point in arguing from outside of the club. Also if you don't fit the criteria, it doesn't mean you are not desirable, it just might mean you can work a different "lane"
5. There is always an exception to the rule meaning, yes, you can be 250lbs and marry a well to do man. Actually, according to hypergamy Ciara is an exception because as a single mother, she does not qualify.
6. Your blood pressure might've gotten high reading alladis so here is a friendly reminder that hypergamy comes with it's own rules and I wasn't the one who made them. Would you go to the front door of a country club and complain that their criteria hurts your feelings cus you can't be a member? No? Ok then, you'd find another hang out spot :shrug:
I personally don't subscribe completely to hypergamy. Maybe I would if I was a natural size zero, tbh. Also, I don't mind contributing to my relationships. Maybe 70/30, with him being the 70 of course. But I do feel like there are some great takeaways regarding femininity and how I can use it to navigate life better. Playing up my femininity has been quite beneficial and fun. I'm still learning my lane (a concept I came up with) but so far men are responsive to me as is. This means they will give me a seat on the train over the other women who also get on, run up to hold doors for me, random stuff that I can post when I remember. Also, I notice a positive response from other women. The other day two older ladies stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute (I'm on the precipice of 40 being called "cute"
Anyway, I'm fleshing out the idea of lanes and archetypes because I find that being in my feminine benefits me. I want to see where this goes.
Anyway, back to the list... From what I've observed hypergamous men have enough resources to take care of a family. Hypergamous women are fit and feminine. I noticed the uproar around the criteria, but from people who don't qualify. I think once you've experienced the lifestyle you can then have an informed opinion on the game. That's my opinion on it . Also, I'm not arguing about the criteria, once again, I did not create it.
I am happy to talk about my thoughts on the criteria in another post, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who got caught up in the fray, esp around KS and may have felt lesser than or left out because of his popularity.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Last year I spent some time learning about hypergamy from some of the popular coaches out there. I was only curious because I know hypergamous women in real life and it made a lot of sense to me.
Before I start, my post is not up for debate. I am sharing my takeaways.
1. Hypergamy is a legit lifestyle.
2. Hypergamy is a lifestyle (or a lane as I call it)
3. It ain't for everybody.
3a. Many coaches would have you believe that this is the only way a man and women can maintain a successful relationship. This isn't true imo
4. There are specific criteria for both men and women in order to be hypergamous which means
4a. If you don't fit that criteria then there is no point in arguing from outside of the club. Also if you don't fit the criteria, it doesn't mean you are not desirable, it just might mean you can work a different "lane"
5. There is always an exception to the rule meaning, yes, you can be 250lbs and marry a well to do man. Actually, according to hypergamy Ciara is an exception because as a single mother, she does not qualify.
6. Your blood pressure might've gotten high reading alladis so here is a friendly reminder that hypergamy comes with it's own rules and I wasn't the one who made them. Would you go to the front door of a country club and complain that their criteria hurts your feelings cus you can't be a member? No? Ok then, you'd find another hang out spot :shrug:
I personally don't subscribe completely to hypergamy. Maybe I would if I was a natural size zero, tbh. Also, I don't mind contributing to my relationships. Maybe 70/30, with him being the 70 of course. But I do feel like there are some great takeaways regarding femininity and how I can use it to navigate life better. Playing up my femininity has been quite beneficial and fun. I'm still learning my lane (a concept I came up with) but so far men are responsive to me as is. This means they will give me a seat on the train over the other women who also get on, run up to hold doors for me, random stuff that I can post when I remember. Also, I notice a positive response from other women. The other day two older ladies stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute (I'm on the precipice of 40 being called "cute"
Anyway, I'm fleshing out the idea of lanes and archetypes because I find that being in my feminine benefits me. I want to see where this goes.
Anyway, back to the list... From what I've observed hypergamous men have enough resources to take care of a family. Hypergamous women are fit and feminine. I noticed the uproar around the criteria, but from people who don't qualify. I think once you've experienced the lifestyle you can then have an informed opinion on the game. That's my opinion on it . Also, I'm not arguing about the criteria, once again, I did not create it.
I am happy to talk about my thoughts on the criteria in another post, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who got caught up in the fray, esp around KS and may have felt lesser than or left out because of his popularity.
I just remembered something else I experienced last weekend. I went to meet my friends at a restaurant but they were late. So I sat at the bar and asked the guy next to me for a drink recommendation. Long story short, his friend offered and paid for my drink. The weird part is that none of them tried to holler at me.
My takeaways is that:
1. I was in my feminine space 2. My feminine energy inspired the masculine men around to pay attention / serve / help me 3. It was the right time and space for what occured
i noted #3 because if I swung by the grocery store and there were barely any people there I may have been cute and all, but I'd be least likely to get the same type of attention. This was a natural interaction because I had a reason to dress up, was in good spirits, in the mood to socialize, and present in the moment.
It was a really cool realization for me.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
The sense of entitlement and disregard for safety on dating sites has me grossed. Have had 2 men recently upset that I had boundaries and wasn’t giving my number I give my google voice number. I don’t get it and try not to typecast but a trend
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Dating sites are not safe in general. IMO, it’s extremely risky.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
They can be typically if I sense pushy I fall back. I had a chat w a man last month who was mad because I gave him a google voice number like I don’t know you and your anger is entitled. That ended that day. Being that I’m not well off nor connected makes being found difficult.
BrownBetty
Well-Known Member
@Plushottie
How did he know it was a Google voice #? I give mine out all the time and never had a dude question it or push back.
How did he know it was a Google voice #? I give mine out all the time and never had a dude question it or push back.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
I think when he called it says on the announcement something like please say your name.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
You can change that setting (in the settings option). So it sounds like a regular voicemail.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. He sounds like a loser. With unrational anger.
Same. I give my Google # out all the time for these apps when I was online dating and never had an issue.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
I hear loser stories like this (boys waving those red flags early in the talking phase) and it makes me happy they are weeding themselves out early and no longer wasting my time. Definitely a blessing. 
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
I agree so much. My younger self would have ignored things now I’m like cool let me slide.I hear loser stories like this (boys waving those red flags early in the talking phase) and it makes me happy they are weeding themselves out early and no longer wasting my time. Definitely a blessing.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
I can't seem to find the post, but I wanted to co-sign the person who said that you can change the setting so that it they don't have to leave their name first.
I think I have had 1 or 2 guys say something about me using Google voice. They weren't mad, but I can see why it feels really impersonal. Change the setting so the robot voice doesn't kill the vibe.
I'm not trying to start anything but I see comments about online dating being dangerous. I chuckled a little because I find that swiping is much safer than meeting men off the street for me here in nyc. I prefer vetting men online than the riskiness of having to vet them in person (unless I met them through friends, which comes with another set of annoyances for me tbh).
fyi, I started a thread "for the optimist" but there's a typo in my title
maybe I can get the mods to fix it. Anyway, it's here https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/thread-for-the-opimist.854235/
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Plushottie
Thicc and fione
I’m with you on the online vs in person. I prefer online because when I’m out I have to be on guard and don’t frequent a lot of be cute places. Even in the past when I did it didn’t yield anything good.I can't seem to find the post, but I wanted to co-sign the person who said that you can change the setting so that it they don't have to leave their name first.
I think I have had 1 or 2 guys say something about me using Google voice. They weren't mad, but I can see why it feels really impersonal. Change the setting so the robot voice doesn't kill the vibe.
I'm not trying to start anything but I see comments about online dating being dangerous. I chuckled a little because I find that swiping is much safer than meeting men off the street for me here in nyc. I prefer vetting men online than the riskiness of having to vet them in person (unless I met them through friends, which comes with another set of annoyances for me tbh).
fyi, I started a thread "for the optimist" but there's a typo in my title
I’m going to update that setting now because I’m not not giving that number lol.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
Well young guy is a dud. I don’t understand what went wrong. Initially he would dm me with messages such as I hope you’re having a good day, can’t wait to talk soon, responding to my IG stories. Once I felt comfortable I decided to give him my number instead of all of this IG messaging. Plus I wanted to see if he was serious. It’s going on two weeks and he never called/texted and all the IG DMs stopped. He just likes my posts and views my stories. He responded to my IG story today saying he also went to see Wakanda Forever. I responded by asking if he enjoyed it and in one sentence I briefly gave my thoughts. Boom he read my message and I haven’t heard from him since. I can see if it was a message that didn’t warrant a response but fool I asked you a question! I’m about to unsend the message (yes I’m petty and in my feelings) and either mute or unfollow him. We are within the same community service social circle so I’ll eventually have to see him in person again. It seems like nowadays guys play so many games. I never ever chased him and the only thing I did was start matching the energy he was giving. Perhaps I was only a game to him from the moment he met me and I feel like he’s trying to play me for some kind of chump because he sensed I would give him a chance. I regret giving him my number because that’s when he switched up. I’m mad because I didn’t want him in the beginning because of the age gap and now when I consider it he acts up. His sign is Aquarius if that means anything. Any insight?
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Plushottie
Thicc and fione
Hmm don’t give anything they either ask or nothing. I would remove and keep it hyper brief in person. From my old Astro days those kids shift like the wind.
TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
Yeah I know now, smh. I know he wanted it when we first met in person but I gave him my IG instead since I wasn’t interested. So I thought I was fulfilling a delayed request by providing it later but yeah he could’ve asked again. I just unsent the message, muted his posts and stories, and blocked him from seeing my IG stories. I feel much better. If he unfollows cool. I’m a professional grudge holder so he’ll have to seek me out in person to hear from me and yes it’ll definitely be brief.
I also think I may avoid giving out my social media to future prospects.
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Plushottie
Thicc and fione
I act like I dont know what social media is. I also like to keep a air of mystery. So when they are watching your stories they know too much about you which makes some go a bit dull. Not saying this is the case for you but I have seen this happen a lot. Unless they ask its like you don't know what to do. Men chase what they want or feel they can't get close to. Your pretty so he would have to pay admission.
TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
This makes a lot of sense, thank you!
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Yeah, I noticed that men can be fickle. This has happened to me recently except it was online. Also their race didn't matter. It wasn't just black men doing this.
In my case, if a guy wants to meet up without chatting over the phone first, then it's a nah. But if they want my number too quickly it's a nah also. Balanced men seem to be fine chatting online a little. If I feel like we've been chatting online too long (4 or more days), then I will drop hints about talking on the phone. It never seems to go anywhere if I have to ask or initiate the call (or interaction). There can be a lot to navigate, esp since we're not face to face at first, but it isn't difficult once you "get" it .
On a slightly related note, alot of men I come across are tired of the online scene, almost as tired as us women. I've been on Tinder only 1 week now and I've been told more than once that I am surprisingly communicative. Another guy told me that our conversation was refreshing because 1. The women he's been meeting only want something casual 2. Alot of them don't or can't hold a conversation.
Since we are women we cape for our kind and assume we are all alike, but there are many, many dusty women out there. (Sorry I'm not sure how else to put it) Anyway, I knew this, but my brother (who is currently on the market) sends me screenshots of the ****** that he encounters. It's kinda wild on both sides.
*Dusty = ex 1) having an online dating profile while pregnant. ex 2) showing up pregnant on a date ex 3) asking for the guy to pay for babysitting for the first date. Fyi, these are 3 different women. I can keep going but I won't
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Plushottie
Thicc and fione
Those examples have me floored. I can def attest to the other side antics. From images and desire. It’s sad but most people he/she/pal don’t desire to be vulnerable so they settle for hollow sex.Yeah, I noticed that men can be fickle. This has happened to me recently except it was online. Also their race didn't matter. It wasn't just black men doing this.
In my case, if a guy wants to meet up without chatting over the phone first, then it's a nah. But if they want my number too quickly it's a nah also. Balanced men seem to be fine chatting online a little. If I feel like we've been chatting online too long (4 or more days), then I will drop hints about talking on the phone. It never seems to go anywhere if I have to ask or initiate the call (or interaction). There can be a lot to navigate, esp since we're not face to face at first, but it isn't difficult once you "get" it .
On a slightly related note, alot of men I come across are tired of the online scene, almost as tired as us women. I've been on Tinder only 1 week now and I've been told more than once that I am surprisingly communicative. Another guy told me that our conversation was refreshing because 1. The women he's been meeting only want something casual 2. Alot of them don't or can't hold a conversation.
Since we are women we cape for our kind and assume we are all alike, but there are many, many dusty women out there. (Sorry I'm not sure how else to put it) Anyway, I knew this, but my brother (who is currently on the market) sends me screenshots of the ****** that he encounters. It's kinda wild on both sides.
*Dusty = ex 1) having an online dating profile while pregnant. ex 2) showing up pregnant on a date ex 3) asking for the guy to pay for babysitting for the first date. Fyi, these are 2 different women. I can keep going but I won't
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
I swear if I was a baby mom and say the ex have my kids pic on Tinder I would be hot. I see kids on there too often and I feel either dude is manipulative or dense which neither is good. Women can be not good and you can’t say who is looking and screenshooting for their enjoyment. Like just say I have kids boom then move on. So many hide behind them like my kids come first no, if so you wouldn’t be on here. Just say I’m been hurt or lack the ability to have connection and want a surface fwb.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Which examples? The men or the women? Lol.
I'm usually a live and let live kind of person, but there are levels.
I also want to say sorry to any woman in here that has dated while pregnant or done anything that I have mentioned. Frankly it's none of my business. I just wanted to lay out examples of what some men experienced. A friend of mine told me that he went to a girl's house for a casual thing and she wanted to have sex with her young child there in the room. When he said no, she cursed him out. I only know this stuff because guys only tell me about their bad dates if I ask them. I actually enjoy bad dates stories but was surprised to find that many men like many of us encounter psycho people (women specifically.
This is why I don't *mitch about the market *(starts with B rhymes with snitch lol). Everyone encounters losers.
The encouraging part though is that I only have to find one guy, just one. And when I think of the odds, I don't doubt I'll be happily married one day :shrug:.
I don't let randoms discourage me about this stuff. I've personally had great dates where I passed up on the guy because we just weren't a match. The market is just...a market.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
Your ex 1 and 2 you mentioned. It’s one of those I know it happens but geez.
I like your balanced view on the market, I have gotten many naysayers over the years but do believe I’m deserving and doing what I can aesthetic wise.
I have seen both sides men/women and woo I was speechless like girls fix up and stop being lazy. I see the complaints of women not wanting to meet and I’m like huh what’s the point of having an account.
TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
Amen. Nice to see this message coming from black man.
Plushottie
Thicc and fione
So many thoughts but it’s so layered.
NaturalEnigma
Well-Known Member
I’ve heard bad dating stories from men too. I used to think it was easy for a man to meet a healthy, happy, mentally sane woman, because so many of my friends who I consider a good catch were single, but men have told me it’s hard to find someone of decent character in the dating world.
I’ve been dipping in and out of the Christmas movies thread and I noticed the movies all have the same theme. Since I work from home, I’m tempted to get an AirBnb in a small quaint town out of state for a month and see if my dating odds change. Lol! It seems to work out for the women in those Hallmark movies. I would participate in all the town activities, maybe even volunteer somewhere and then I’ll bump into Mr. Right. That’s what usually happens in the romantic Christmas movies.
I do think there is something to going places you’ve never gone before and exposing yourself to people you normally wouldn’t meet. You’d be surprised at how our lives are so routine and how we usually stay within the same 15-20 mile radius of our home. There are so many towns that are a little further out (e.g., 30-35 minutes away) that I never even visit or explore. I was telling my cousin I might make it intentional to go to places, e.g. coffee shops, or run errands in towns I’m not familiar with just to see what’s out there.
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