*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

LdyKamz said:
So me and main dude got into an argument. This is the second fight in a month and the last time I told him I did not like the way it was handled. We agreed to do better. This time he talked slowly and calmly saying he was doing better but ignored everything I said and refused to acknowledge my points instead going quiet and ignoring me under the guise of "doing better". Smh I told him that I could not continue a relationship if we could not deal with conflict better than this.

His response was to get up, get dressed and leave my apartment without another word. He actually left my door unlocked and didn't even tell me he was leaving. I have not heard from him since. I texted him a couple times immediately after wondering what was going on. No response. It's been about a week so that's that I guess. But I'm so tired of this nonsense. Everything else is lining up with the men I'm attracting EXCEPT the way they deal with conflict. Men these days need therapy. They either go completely quiet or scream and yell. Where are the emotionally healthy men that know how to work through minor issues? I also need to reevaluate some things on my end because there must be something I'm doing that's contributing to the way these things are dealt with.
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I am really sorry this happened to you. It may be that there's something that you're doing, but I'm going to go out on a limb and propose that it's probably not you. There is an abundance of emotionally unhealthy men, irrespective of race/ethnicity, class, religious affiliation, educational level, etc. who are unable to fight to see where the other person is coming from. Doing so requires empathy and humility, attributes that are in short supply.

Last year, I dated a guy who constantly left me feeling as if I was walking on eggshells. In fact, I've only recently begun to unpack just how toxic and damaging that experience was. By the grace of God the damage was not long term because I ended things when we got into an argument over a core belief (gender roles in the home). The thing I always think about is that I actually agreed with some of what he said, but he was so patronizing, rude, overbearing, insulting, and downright disrespectful when I voiced opinions that deviated from what he believed, and even when I tried to find common ground with him, het twisted my words against me. It was such a mind-boggling experience and caught me by surprise. However, it was consistent with red flags I had ignored the entire time we were together (because lust :rolleyes:). I ended things with him a week after that fight because I knew that it was only going to get worse, and it was a rude awakening into the reality that was not a kind, compassionate person (I had seen evidence of this but again, I ignored it, SMH).

I'm seeing someone else now and while it's pretty early, I've already been impressed by our communication with each other and how respectful he is. We had an issue come up where he cancelled a date with less than 24 hours advance notice. It was for a legitimate reason, but I have a busy schedule and had rearranged things to be able to spend time with him. In years past, men would cancel on me the day of! Needless to say, my tolerance for such antics has greatly diminished, and I was ready to walk away because now that I respect myself and my time, I can't afford to be with anyone who does not do the same. He knew I was upset when I didn't answer his text message (lol). When I had calmed down a bit, we talked and he remained on the phone with me for an hour to work through it. His willingness to see where I was coming from and to generate a solution to the issue made me like him more. I could tell that he is someone who tried to empathize with others, but I really witnessed it in his patience with me. I don't know what will come of our relationship , but I really do like how he handled our conflict and am cautiously optimistic (although I am still vetting him).

2019 brought its share of heartaches in many arenas in my life, especially my romantic life. I learned that proper communication is an area that we can ill-afford to compromise about. I'm so, so proud of you for how you've handled this. Rather than lamenting the loss of these men, you have correctly surmised that something is wrong with them, not you. You also established a standard of how you want to be treated in the midst of conflict, and you didn't waver from it. This means that your discernment is strong and will be even stronger going forward, and that your'e well-poised to embark on a healthy relationship. :sneakyhug:
 
naijamerican said:
The thing I always think about is that I actually agreed with some of what he said, but he was so patronizing, rude, overbearing, insulting, and downright disrespectful when I voiced opinions that deviated from what he believed, and even when I tried to find common ground with him, het twisted my words against me.
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I needed to read this because I am dealing with this now. I am in a vulnerable position because I had surgery and can't leave my apt. He's helped me but whenever I do something he doesn't like he can care less about my pain or stress level.

Things are either magical or unbearable. We have reached a point where we know it's crazy but we are stuck in this cycle. It's never been so hard to leave someone alone. I have tried to let it go but he's like Nah and I can't figure out why I am accepting this behavior. I absolutely know better and I'm still here.
 
shespoison said:
I needed to read this because I am dealing with this now. I am in a vulnerable position because I had surgery and can't leave my apt. He's helped me but whenever I do something he doesn't like he can care less about my pain or stress level.

Things are either magical or unbearable. We have reached a point where we know it's crazy but we are stuck in this cycle. It's never been so hard to leave someone alone. I have tried to let it go but he's like Nah and I can't figure out why I am accepting this behavior. I absolutely know better and I'm still here.
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I understand where you’re coming from and was similarly perplexed by my acceptance of poor behavior. Rationally, I knew that I shouldn’t accept such treatment. But I think that, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I didn’t fully believe that I deserved better. I had to do some soul-searching to figure things out. I also had some family-related issues that shocked the common sense back into me and reminded me that life is too short to play with, and too long to make serious mistakes with love-wise. It’s nice that this guy has shown up for you in terms of offering help, but if the compassion and respect aren’t there, it undermines the material support he provides.

Maybe you can take some time to interrogate your deeply held beliefs as you recover from surgery. It’s a constant battle and I still struggle with it. But you got this sis! :bighug:
 
@LdyKamz I think it's just become very common and acceptable to "ghost" people instead of communicating and resolving disagreements. To me it seems like people just think "Oh well, I can just find someone else" which can be a good mindset but I think it's taken to the extreme a lot and people cut other people off for very minor reasons.

With that being said, I'm rolling my eyes at his "dramatic" exit :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
 
BrownBetty said:
I should be having all the apocalypse sex right now but noooo this damn virus is catchy and I can't go to this man's house to be stuck with 1 ply toilet paper, bar soap that subs as body wash, hand wash and shampoo plus sand paper sheets.

Sigh adult/life saving decisions
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:lachen:

The adult I spent some time with today came with the intention of being quarantined. When he arrived, I said what you need all this for? He said just in case. I :lol: so fast. I wouldnt have minded but Im not cooking for myself barely and he was checking the fridge for food. Restaurants on curfew out here. He will take of everything but I dont need this right now.
 
We are supposed to be quarantined and I literally just started talking to two guys. An officer and a fireman. Both were tested early on and are still working.

Both still trying to come see me. :drunk:

We’ll see who lasts.

eta: Fireman just called and asked to schedule a FaceTime date.
 
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:drunk::drunk::drunk:
weaveadiva said:
Cute idea. Are you gonna dress up and everything? :grin:
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I did, made sure my hair was nice and skin moisturized. He was a dud, the 1st one went to sleep but a 3rd one came through and was a pleasure to chat with.

The 3rd one is a Nurse Practitioner and a Nigerian who grew up in Europe. His accent is so adorable and said he woke up smiling at the thought of me this morning. :drunk:

But an old bae keeps hitting me up. :look: We ended things 2 yrs ago over a misunderstanding and I’m tryin to get that old thing back. I’m checking his temp before I drop these new guys.
 
me needing to move out of my pied a terre next weekend (one car load ) after asking him to help from a month ago.

him: i'm fine i'm not sick ive not been exposed but if by chance you got the rona from me i'd feel bad so i don't feel comfortable helping you move. it'd feel like a lot of pressure. Is there anyone else that you can ask to help you? if you really can't find someone else, if there isn't anyone...

Me: whether its you or someone else, i will still need to be exposed to someone. it seems as though you're not too concerned if i get sick; you just don't want it to be you and would rather it be someone else who took that responsibility.

Weak. f-inking weak. or am i overreacting?
 
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