*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

Y'all. I'm still in borderline disbelief, even as I'm typing it - but I've met someone. It's crazy because my ex is trying his best to creep back in and he knows that I'm not budging. I was going to give it a little time to see if he could figure it out, but he's proving to have not changed, and even furthermore, my family and friends would NEVER approve of him coming back into my life again.

The guy that I met is already showing me that he's serious about me. I was introduced by family and I'm being threatened not to do him bad, lol. But the gist is, they wouldn't introduce me to anyone who is shoddy.

So my 2020 is definitely looking up in multiple ways (I had some other good news to close out 2019 outside of relationship talk.)
 
Thanks to everyone for their support in my posts here and here. Happy to update that everything is back on track.

On the possible ghosting, it turned out that he was bothered by a conversation we had that I thought was innocent and resolved. I had no idea that his feelings were hurt. After that talk, he spent five days communicating with me normally as we had been, and another five days giving me the silent treatment. He basically spent 10 days stewing, unbeknownst to me. I decided that if I hadn't heard back from him by New Years Day, then I would consider myself officially ghosted. On the morning of January 2nd, I reactivated my two online dating profiles. Then I sent him a text that I didn't understand what went wrong, but I wished him a happy new year and best of luck. Two minutes later he texted back and told me what happened, and he apologized for being childish and swore it would never happen again.

That was Thursday. Then he asked me to meet his 6 yo DD on Saturday, so that's how I spent yesterday afternoon. We played EVERYTHING - Barbie's, school (still slightly salty that she gave me a B+ in science), playdoh, and cards. She wants to have her own YouTube channel, so I videoed her fake Cribs style video tour of the kitchen. I watched her play a dance game on her Switch and then after she did a ballet performance for me, I showed her some basic salsa steps. By the end of the night, she wanted me to tuck her in and asked me to come back and play with her. Success!
 
^^^^
@OhTall1

You interaction with the daughter sounds fun and it went well.

My only concern and possible “red flag” is with the Dad/your date.

The fact that he was stewing for 2 weeks and went ghost/silent treatment is concerning.

If you hadn’t sent that New Year text would he have contacted you?

Just a trait to watch out for. Please start paying attention to when you guys have some sort of conflict and see what his reactions will be.

You definitely don’t want to be with someone who uses “silent treatment” which is usually coupled with emotional withdrawal and lack of communication.

You don’t want to get into a cycle of always being the one to reach out in some way to resolve the issue. As the rlsp gets deeper, these types generally will start trying to shift or share blame for their behavior to you.
 
ms-gg said:
I feel SO lied to as an adult. I didn't realize that good men like my father are an anomaly. I feel like my parents should have prepared me better for the foolishness out here and to let me know that my daddy was a rare breed in a sea of crap.
Click to expand...
Yeah. My parents were married for 30 some odd years. My grandparents as well. It wasn’t all gravy but my menfolks took care of their women.
my generation of family the women are rarely married and we are educated. My aunts and uncles not even close.

I have old school values because my parents were really older when they had me. It’s rough out here. @ms-gg
 
shawnyblazes said:
Yeah. My parents were married for 30 some odd years. My grandparents as well. It wasn’t all gravy but my menfolks took care of their women.
my generation of family the women are rarely married and we are educated. My aunts and uncles not even close.

I have old school values because my parents were really older when they had me. It’s rough out here. @ms-gg
Click to expand...
Me too!!!! My father would have been 86 if he was still living and my mother would have turned 81 this year! I am in my early 30s! I am old school too! My father was the provider for our household, didn't do any of this "this is mine" stuff, "I pay the bills" stuff, never tried to pull rank over my mother. EVER. I don't get these new school cats. I always say my mother lucked out on my father, and him with her. I just feel like I am done actively looking and if I find a man, it will happen by happenstance
 
ms-gg said:
Me too!!!! My father would have been 86 if he was still living and my mother would have turned 81 this year! I am in my early 30s! I am old school too! My father was the provider for our household, didn't do any of this "this is mine" stuff, "I pay the bills" stuff, never tried to pull rank over my mother. EVER. I don't get these new school cats. I always say my mother lucked out on my father, and him with her. I just feel like I am done actively looking and if I find a man, it will happen by happenstance
Click to expand...
Yup. I’m over it. I’m fending off the bad apples and learning from past mistakes. Life!

@ms-gg
 
NijaG said:
My only concern and possible “red flag” is with the Dad/your date.
Click to expand...
I get what you're saying and I don't disagree. Luckily I understand my own red flags that I'm bringing to the table and how they played into the original conversation. I won't share the exact topic of the conversation, but the general wisdom of this board would be that I was in the wrong. And I was.

I'm just grateful that we were able to talk it through.
 
I’m reading a book now called “Loving in the Grown Zone” by a black couple Zara Green and Alfred Edmond. Its a great book. It really highlighted all the relationship issues I generally have, moving too fast, not getting to really know a person before getting into a relationship, falling for a cute face and being lead by emotions. It’s a no nonesense book about dating and making adult choices. I didn’t realize that I was still dating like I was in high school and falling for the cute popular boy, that I knew nothing about.

I started a side hustle recently and I was falling for a fine man at my job. He’s such a flirt, and I could tell he feels the chemistry between us because he’s always hovering around me and giving me these puppy dog looks. But I’ve dated coworkers in the past, 3 times to be exact and it always ended up a disaster, but I couldn’t help but fantasize about this one. I started reading that book, child it just slapped me right back to reality. I needed that. I was living in a fairytale like someone mentioned earlier.
 
My friend who's been more than just a friend, causally sent me screenshots of the letter he started to write to me when we didn't talk for a year. He wrote about when he first met me in 6th grade, and how he felt when he first saw me. He wrote about the crush he had on me all the way to the 9th grade, and how he kicked himself for not being brave enough to tell me that he liked me. At the end he wrote about how he felt when he accidentally overheard me telling a friend that I liked him, and how hurt he was when I moved to another state a month later.

I felt slightly overwhelmed when I read it because it came out of nowhere. He told me years ago about the crush he had on me back then. I really didn't know how to respond since he didn't make anything of it, but I'm surprised that he showed me something that felt so personal.
 
@shawnyblazes
@ms-gg

I feel you both. My parents have been married for going on 40 years and I thought that things would work the same way for me while I was growing up. I thought that I would be married with kids in my 20s. I didn't know that it would be this difficult to find the right one. I always wish that I found my love in High school or College. I messed up an opportunity with a guy who I was friends with in High school who wanted to go out with me a few years ago. I was definitely into him, but I was going through depression at the time and I didn't know if I wanted to take things to that level with him. I do still wish that I had at least gone out with him and we could've talked and maybe I would've been in a better state afterwards. He is with someone else now and he even unfriended me on Facebook.

Here I am single and coming across a lot of bad apples in the dating pool. A lot of these guys are around my age, but are still into games and just want hookups. I came across this one guy on Bumble who is a teacher. He seemed like a nice guy at first, and we chatted on the app a few times and then he started with the bull. I asked him what he was doing and he said he just got out of the shower. Asked him if he worked today and he said he was off and told me to join him, then he said, "come hold me." What happened to the old fashioned getting to know each other and later on we can talk like that? We haven't even gone out on any dates. A few months back I was talking to this guy who I met on Hinge. I talked to him on the phone once and we didn't go out on any dates yet, but he already thought that I was his girlfriend. He got mad when he saw me online on OKCupid. The peanuthead fool had the nerve to say that he was not interested in a woman like me. He didn't even know me. I'm not even out there like that. :whyme:
 
Kimiche said:
@shawnyblazes
@ms-gg

I feel you both. My parents have been married for going on 40 years and I thought that things would work the same way for me while I was growing up. I thought that I would be married with kids in my 20s. I didn't know that it would be this difficult to find the right one. I always wish that I found my love in High school or College. I messed up an opportunity with a guy who I was friends with in High school who wanted to go out with me a few years ago. I was definitely into him, but I was going through depression at the time and I didn't know if I wanted to take things to that level with him. I do still wish that I had at least gone out with him and we could've talked and maybe I would've been in a better state afterwards. He is with someone else now and he even unfriended me on Facebook.

Here I am single and coming across a lot of bad apples in the dating pool. A lot of these guys are around my age, but are still into games and just want hookups. I came across this one guy on Bumble who is a teacher. He seemed like a nice guy at first, and we chatted on the app a few times and then he started with the bull. I asked him what he was doing and he said he just got out of the shower. Asked him if he worked today and he said he was off and told me to join him, then he said, "come hold me." What happened to the old fashioned getting to know each other and later on we can talk like that? We haven't even gone out on any dates. A few months back I was talking to this guy who I met on Hinge. I talked to him on the phone once and we didn't go out on any dates yet, but he already thought that I was his girlfriend. He got mad when he saw me online on OKCupid. The peanuthead fool had the nerve to say that he was not interested in a woman like me. He didn't even know me. I'm not even out there like that. :whyme:
Click to expand...

My dear, you did the right thing. If you were not ready then it was not the right time to be in a relationship.

You so reminded me of some of the nut jobs I met on dating sites, dudes who thought we were a couple and we hadn't even met and "forbid" me from going to my bff party because he was afraid men were going to be there, just looney toon dudes. It is pretty darn scary actually. Even if you met them IN PERSON, you don't know who these fools are, and that makes me even more scared.

I wrote about it a few years ago, but I had some crazy nut assault me on a first date because after showing me a picture of Joseline and said that was his crush, I showed him a pic of my crush, Idris Alba! He said I was embarrassing him in front of people who were passing by and weren't paying us a lick of attention and he squeezed the crap out of my leg. Just crazy!

So many seem to be sociopaths, willing to lie and deceive without giving it a second thought, just ugh, I can go on for days. It just is not worth it for my safety, emotional or mental health at this point.
 
ms-gg said:
My dear, you did the right thing. If you were not ready then it was not the right time to be in a relationship.

You so reminded me of some of the nut jobs I met on dating sites, dudes who thought we were a couple and we hadn't even met and "forbid" me from going to my bff party because he was afraid men were going to be there, just looney toon dudes. It is pretty darn scary actually. Even if you met them IN PERSON, you don't know who these fools are, and that makes me even more scared.

I wrote about it a few years ago, but I had some crazy nut assault me on a first date because after showing me a picture of Joseline and said that was his crush, I showed him a pic of my crush, Idris Alba! He said I was embarrassing him in front of people who were passing by and weren't paying us a lick of attention and he squeezed the crap out of my leg. Just crazy!

So many seem to be sociopaths, willing to lie and deceive without giving it a second thought, just ugh, I can go on for days. It just is not worth it for my safety, emotional or mental health at this point.
Click to expand...

You are right. I need to stop thinking about what could've been when I wasn't in the right mind. I will not let these looney toon dudes keep me from finding the right one. I may even have to get out more and maybe meet someone out and about instead of online. :yep:
 
The guy friend I had a hardcore crush on texted me that he would be in town this weekend. Why was I legit pissed off that he didn't follow up with setting up a time to hangout with me?! I was jealous that he had planned to spend time with my BFF and a few other friends :oops: . He just texted and asked if we could get lunch, and it'll just be the two of us. Now I'm okay :lachen: :lachen:
 
Why dudes act like they don't know what it means when a woman just wants to keep it casual? When they're double speaking and leading women on they act like the woman is supposed to know they're "just chilling" and be a mind reader but when it's time for them to get the same treatment they wanna play dumb.

I was trying to bump my main dude down to side status and move one of my side dudes up. Quite honestly main dude hadn't done anything wrong and it was mainly a geographical complaint. He lives too far for me. We both have busy lives and the distance complicates things. I don't drive so we have to plan around when he can conveniently make it into the city. Because of this I don't see us progressing past more than 1x a week dates.

So I tried to break this to him gently but told him I still wanna see him. He totally misinterpreted what I said to mean that I was asking for more time. I would have gladly clarified but before I could he flipped it into him "not being ready for a commitment" and "liking how things were" and "just trying to manage where we are now". He even asked me "so you want a relationship?" Nothing I said indicated anything of the sort. In fact, it indicated the complete opposite! I soon realized he was playing dumb and trying to soften the blow to make it look like he was letting me know we're gonna keep it casual. :lachen:

That's cool though. I let him have that one because now he's completely off my team and I'm gonna move forward with my side dude (soon to be main dude) who has been jockeying for more time anyway. Former main dude knows he messed up though because I haven't responded to his texts or calls since last night and keeps texting "don't be mad at me". I'm not mad at all. I hope him trying to protect his ego was worth it.
 
@LdyKamz It almost always boggles their mind when we want to keep it casual and I think it's hilarious. "*Gasp* You're a woman and DON'T want commitment?!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I think a lot of men assume that women just automatically want an exclusive relationship and that THEY'RE the ones who are "deciding" to keep things casual. And men who are manipulative (not all men) believe that they can use women's supposed "need" for a relationship to control them. It doesn't cross their mind that women like casual relationships and like to "just chill" too. Whenever I meet men like this, I love bursting their bubble. :laugh:
 
Had lunch with former crush. We talked really openly and deeply the entire time, and it was really refreshing. There were multiple times that I wanted to reach across the table and kiss him. Something about hearing him fight so hard to be with God was a major turn on :laugh: . I saw another brother (who moved to China) that I have a crush on at church today. So I'm feeling like kinda whatever about the Ex. He texted me about figuring out a time to get together, but I'm really not pressed. I don't know what's going on but all the guys I have feels for are all popping up at the same time!
 
Last year I moved from one country to another. My job has extended an offer to move to another country this year. This place is absolutely beautiful and I would be doing the work that I am truly passionate about and can have a real impact. It's a shorter flight back home then the two previous countries that I've lived in over the past three years. I would consider living here long-term - quality of life is one of the highest in the world.

I met a guy in October. We discussed this move, and my history of moving, and he appeared to be very enthusiastic, but it was/is early in the relationship. At the moment, there are no labels applied, since we are still getting to know each other, but it is an exclusive relationship meaning we're not seeing other people. We discussed what we were looking for, long-term, marriage, kids, etc., before anything became physical. Everything was going well, we got into one semi-significant disagreement around Christmas, but managed to push through it. After NYE, which we spent with our separate friend groups, we had lunch and I asked him what he was most looking forward to in 2020 and he said "moving to X-country", where I would be moving. I was excited because he has mentioned taking a sabbatical and coming there for a while.

We talk every day and spend about 40% of the week together, either having lunch or at his place. Over the last week or so his attitude/behavior has been really off - his replies are shorter and more general, not picking up on FaceTime, kind of distant. My gut was telling me something was off, so I texted him "I'm curious to see how you feel about this relationship" and his reply was "It's going great", which is very out-of-character for him. I was like wtf is that about, so I asked him if he sees this as something that could be long-term and he replied "hopefully".

I was wrong to even start this conversation via text, but I still didn't like his answer. He texted me this morning and apologized for the short reply; he was out with friends and couldn't have a full-on conversation. I don't know if I'm overthinking this, but something feels off but I can't pinpoint what triggered this behavior. I have been away for a week, for work and meeting with friends and he mentioned being a bit jealous,but I don't know what to think.

Maybe it's the moving...two weeks ago he was all for it. Maybe it's something personal, I don't know, but he hasn't mentioned anything. I am ready for a relationship but not with just anyone and his ambivalence is frustrating me, but I'm not sure if I want to quit just yet. This is hard because my career makes it so easy to just move on with my life and act like certain people and situations never happened :look:, but I like this dude. :-/
 
So there’s this guy. Tall, dark, handsome, has his stuff together, sexy, etc. I want to see what happens with us, but I feel guilty and obligated to be there for my best friend (with benefits.)

Best friend is going through it. Both of his parents have cancer. His mom is refusing treatment and his stepdad has stage 4. They don’t have much time left and because that’s so heavy on his mind, we don’t talk like we use to. I see him maybe once a week. It used to be a daily thing. I feel bad for wanting something different. But I have to live my life while I still have one. He has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to commit . He wanted to before, but not anymore.

I need advice. Should I just tell him that I need more than what he’s willing to give right now? Or just take whatever attention I can get from him (best friend?)
 
@Prettymetty I don't think you should feel guilty or obligated. Your best friend made it clear he doesn't want to commit. That means you are free to explore. I know it may feel awkward because you are friends, but you don't owe him any explanation about why you want to explore potential relationships.

I would still be a good listening ear though for your friend. Since he is going through incredibly painful times, I probably would not talk at all about what you need in a relationship (and because he said he no longer wants a commitment with you). He is likely going through too much to even have that kind of conversation.

Go have fun exploring with the new guy. You do not have to say anything yet to your best friend about it. Just be a good supportive friend to him during his tough times. When he is ready to talk about relationships, let him lead. At that point I would just let him know you are dating, but he doesn't have to know all the details.

Like you said, you have to live your life. He is not where you are at right now. Go have fun.
 
Prettymetty said:
So there’s this guy. Tall, dark, handsome, has his stuff together, sexy, etc. I want to see what happens with us, but I feel guilty and obligated to be there for my best friend (with benefits.)

Best friend is going through it. Both of his parents have cancer. His mom is refusing treatment and his stepdad has stage 4. They don’t have much time left and because that’s so heavy on his mind, we don’t talk like we use to. I see him maybe once a week. It used to be a daily thing. I feel bad for wanting something different. But I have to live my life while I still have one. He has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to commit . He wanted to before, but not anymore.

I need advice. Should I just tell him that I need more than what he’s willing to give right now? Or just take whatever attention I can get from him (best friend?)
Click to expand...

Move on. Don't settle for crumbs because of some perceived friendship. My $0.02.
 
@Miss_Luna You are panicking. Fall back. Let him process a bit on his own. Moving to a new country for many is harder than one realizes. He might have been enthusiastic when it seemed less real, but now he has to make some real decisions. He may even think him going there (even though it was his idea), might make you believe he is ready to marry you. Fall back so he still feels he is the driver's seat on this and feels less pressure.

Be friendly, fun etc., but don't mention anymore relationship questions or talk about him moving there. Just be excited for yourself. It is so hard to fall back when we actually like a guy, but sometimes you just gotta.
 
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