*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

MischBack said:
Oh lordt.

I figure I haven't been here since 2014/2015ish. A looooooooooooooot of **** has happened since then haha.
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We have time sis.

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SlimPickinz said:
It’s been 3 years?! Jeez! You’ve been missed.

But I have time tonight to indulge all the foolishness. My man got me good & drunk and I just put him to bed. I’m up and here for the BS :lol
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I literally started writing and then a dude I was seeing texted me :lachen: I'm back now.

Alright so I figured something out about myself. In the last ~10 years it's clear that honestly I'm a huge commitment phobic, emotionally unavailable person. Once I thought about it, there's only actually been one guy in the entirety of my 20s to now that I actually wanted to be with.

I am 100% sure I was in love with him. It was beautiful to be in love with someone. I don't regret it at all even though by every objective measure it was a disaster. So a few years ago I was deciding I was getting too old to be in love with someone who didn't want to be with me, so I was going to give a relationship a chance with this guy who really really wanted to date me. This other guy that was not the guy I was in love with - he was good looking and well educated, professional, blah blah blah... but he was legitimately the dumbest person I have ever met in my life. I wasn't sure if I was just being intolerable of others so I decided to try to date him to see if it was me or him. It was him :lachen: He was so stupid I felt like I had PTSD when it was over and that everybody was as dumb as him :lachen:

So I'm dating this guy and we go out for NYE, but we had never slept together, and the guy I really wanted texts (or I texted him like a dummy) so after midnight I end up at his place. Drunkenly tell him I'm in love with him and always have been and he's an idiot if he didn't know that. He goes out of town and when he comes back asks me on a date and after asks if I wanted to be his girlfriend.

Like a dummy, I am just excited as hell and willing to roll with this despite the fact that he's been stringing me along for years. I really tried to believe he meant this and sometimes you do get the guy in the end, that's what happens in movies right? :eyeroll: I was so insecure the entire time there was no way I wasn't going to **** it up. I was needy and awful and I just couldn't relax and be normal. We had a good two months maybe before I went off the rails and made him have to call things off with me. It sucked. And frankly if I had known I would ruin in two months what had been working for like four years I wish he had never asked me to be his girlfriend.

So we don't talk all summer, then start casually hooking up again by winter. We had one last night in February and then just kind of stopped talking for good. :( I think I'm ok now and I actually think he finally has an actually girlfriend now (never had one the entire time I knew him including me lol) so good for him, they can both die in a car crash but good for them. But I realized I had been focusing on this one guy for the last ~5 years, and really didn't want to be with anyone else.... any other guy I dated I did not want to stop dating other people to be with them.

This is all over the course of the last two years. There was also the guy right after we broke up who turned out to be married... I literally asked him the night we met how come he wasn't married yet and he gave some bs reason about not finding the right person yet. I was in the middle of a break up so I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been and then one day his instagram pops up on mine and there's a pic of a sonogram. Whoops. Wife had literally just had their first baby a few months before we met. So I message his wife on facebook, he messages me threatening to kill himself :lachen: they stay married. Womp. Well good for them whatever, they're a cute couple. Yet another massive L for me.

At some other point I start seeing this guy that I did not plan to see more than that first night. But he keeps following up with me and we keep going out and eventually we are seeing each other regularly. He is the worst person I have ever dated :lachen: I learned very quickly I could not bring him around other people (a friend was literally like "holy ****, seriously. Why are you dating this person") and he got into arguments and almost started fights literally every time I had him interact with someone else :lachen: Seriously though, he was incredibly manipulative and just not a good person. And the entire time I'm recognizing this and knowing I need to cut it off, but it was weird to see someone be an awful person all of the time, but nice to YOU... harder than I would have thought to argue your way out of that. So, again like a dummy, I ignore all logic and reason and keep seeing him and gradually let myself get closer to him to the point where I like him and am too invested to call things off.

Buuuuut, this was more or less an "open" relationship and we both knew we were seeing other people (he was naturally insanely jealous about anyone else I was dating but was super secretive and annoying about anyone else he was seeing). The deal was supposed to be if either of us got serious with someone else we would stop seeing each other. Raise your hand if you know where this is going! :lachen: He decides to tell the other girl he's seeing they're in a relationship now but somehow forgot to tell me! Rude. So, even though now I know that the woman who is getting cheated on is 9 times out of 10 going to be too dumb to leave the guy, again, I message the other woman. Except this time not only do I tell the guy in advance I'm going to do it (didn't want any "I'm going to kill myself" texts in the aftermath again) I sent her all the screenshots of him dogging her out and pretending he hates her and talking about how unattractive she is and he's only dating her for her family's money etc etc. I know we aren't going to keep seeing each other anyway so why not. They're probably going to stay together too. Perhaps not another massive L for me? Just a small L :lol: I don't like dating cheaters and the fact that this has happened twice in two years makes me know I need to sit down and think about my choices. lol. Hence part of why I returned to this forum, tbh.

Anyway.... there's kiiiind of a happy ending? Maybe? At some point I meet this older guy just randomly sitting next to me at a bar who turns out to be a rich something or other in a different state. He decides he wants to be with me/is in love with me, but the distance gives us a buffer :look: He's actually coming back into town to be with me this week, blah. Since I am apparently a mess of a person and cannot commit to anyone and will just make a lot of dumbass choices instead I'm once again being an idiot about this. When my lease is up he wants me to move in with him, way across the country and I don't really have a good argument not to considering he's been basically paying literally all of my expenses the last few months anyway. SO YES, I AM A GARBAGE PERSON AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. He's a good guy too and he looks great for his age and is super understanding of my issues so it's not even that he's gross. But I just never imagined myself having a life with someone that much older than me. Right now I'm currently seeing like two or three other guys :look: which we are doing a don't ask don't tell thing on (he had been seeing a woman in another state that I never ask about either) but I know this arrangement is going to come to an end soon and I will have to decide to stop or not.

So. That is why I came back. Because I don't like the direction my choices are leading me down, and I can't seem to figure out why I've been doing the things I've been doing. I haven't been able to see things clearly for awhile now and although I am sensitive to the influence of others especially in a place like this I think it's time for me to start looking for other perspectives outside of my own head, which clearly isn't working anymore. Ok. That's a quick and dirty update. I'm Misch and I'm a dumb forever single person (Hi, Misch!).
 
Mischback, have you considered therapy? A lot of your choices seem self destructive. :(

And please don't move in with and across the country with a man you barely know (even though he's been paying most of your expenses) and who has been seeing another woman (or women, for that matter, since you don't really know him that well). This sounds like it could veer off into a case on Forensic Files or Snapped rather quickly.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
Mischback, have you considered therapy? A lot of your choices seem self destructive. :(

And please don't move in with and across the country with a man you barely know (even though he's been paying most of your expenses) and who has been seeing another woman (or women, for that matter, since you don't really know him that well). This sounds like it could veer off into a case on Forensic Files or Snapped rather quickly.
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I've been thinking about this and I think I've gotten in the habit of indulging in, as you say, self destructive behaviors just because it feels good at the time. Even though in the moment I am aware that I am making bad choices, I no longer have the discipline to stop them, and I used to be able to... I'm not sure what changed that I'm too weak or lazy to walk away from bad choices now.

I'd like to figure out on my own what are the issues I've been having... not against therapy but just sort of skeptical it can actually help. Insert excuses about the financial burden and the long process of finding a therapist that is a good fit. Like I can recognize that I need some outside perspective because I am no longer able to identify what's happening.

I'm also pretty sure I'm going to break things off with that guy entirely. It doesn't feel like it but he is probably pressuring me and forcing a kind of relationship on me that I do not want and am not ready for. Just can be hard to see when it seems like "oh he's a good guy he just actually cares about me and why can't I accept someone caring about me"... that is not necessarily an accurate read on the situation.

It just feels like I've been wearing blinders for a while and now I'm trying to figure out how to get them off. Do y'all think therapy is really the only way to go? Like suggesting it is totally appropriate and I agree but I really wish there was some kind of way for me to just do the hard work and figure my **** out and just work to get better. Honestly the only thing making me resistant to therapy is that I don't want to foster that kind of intimate relationship with a professional stranger :(
 
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@MischBack

I think you should consider therapy too. I used to be a skeptic and had a long list of reasons it wasn't for me. But years ago when I hit rock bottom, I had no choice. It was literally therapy or else I may have taken my own life.
Obviously, I'm not saying this is your situation. Just trying to encourage you and let you know I understand some of what you may be feeling.

When you are "in" something you don't get a full and objective perspective so I wouldn't recommend trying to sort it out yourself. And if you could sort it out yourself, dont you think you would have? Especially since you recognize the need for change?
Therapist are well trained in how to manage relationships with patients. Don't worry too much about fostering an intimate relationship with them. The right one will guide you and help with the transition appropriately (At the beginning and end of your relationship).
 
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Sosoothing said:
@MischBack

I think you should consider therapy too. I used to be a skeptic and had a long list of reasons it wasn't for me. But years ago when I hit rock bottom, I had no choice. It was literally therapy or else I may have taken my own life.
Obviously, I'm not saying this is your situation. Just trying to encourage you and let you know I understand some of what you may be feeling.

When you are "in" something you don't get a full and objective perspective so I wouldn't recommend trying to sort it out yourself. And if you could sort it out yourself, dont you think you would have? Especially since you recognize the need for change?
Therapist are well trained in how to manage relationships with patients. Don't worry too much about fostering an intimate relationship with them. The right one will guide you and help with the transition appropriately.
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You're right. Really, it's not that I don't believe therapy will help - I'm sure it will - the truth is I honestly just don't want to do it. I don't want a therapist to know me or me have to let someone know me. But I think there are ways for me to get around that feeling if I approach it as something that I just have to do in order to reach my goal(s).

A friend of mine told me it sounds like I'm depressed. I don't feel depressed because I don't feel sad per se. I've had phases where I have truly been sad or unhappy, and I don't feel like that right now. This is not a eating like crap, living in filth, crying all day thing. I'm getting my workouts in, I'm cooking and eating healthy, I'm cleaning probably more often than usual. I'm functioning. But it is true I have zero motivation for other "life" things, I'm defaulting to easy things just to feel good, and I am avoiding dealing with most problems. The cognitive dissonance is real. The urge to look at things that are working and not reconcile them with the things that aren't is just really hard to get my head around.

Ultimately, I just feel like I can't ****ing think. And I'm up for whatever will get me out of that, because it's blinding.
 
BrownBetty said:
@MischBack
I second the rec for therapy. It would be very helpful in identifying how to resolve or cope with what you feel is an issue. It will help you think.
Try: https://www.talkspace.com if you don't want to see someone in person. There a bunch of discounts floating around online.

Therapist directory
https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/therapist-directory/
https://culturaltherapy.health/providers-directory/
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Thank you. Alright I'm going to go find another thread and stop clogging up the romance thoughts with my issues :lol:
 
MischBack said:
Thank you. Alright I'm going to go find another thread and stop clogging up the romance thoughts with my issues :lol:
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Well, technically, you are single....:)

Sometimes we can figure our own way out of a situation but other times we are so caught up in the situation that we can't seem to break the patterns no matter how hard we try. These are the kinds of situations where it may help to find a trained professional that can help identity the behavior, help figure out why the behavior occurs and help us change the behavior. It doesn't have to be the long drawn out therapy that people usually think of when they hear the word therapy, it can be short term as well.

I'm not directing this at your problem per se, but also at other people who find themselves unable to braek patterns in their lives. Therapy might help in changing behaviors/attitudes that you are unhappy with and seem unable to change on your own.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
Well, technically, you are single....:)
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I'm definitely that :lol: To get back on topic, I think I am realizing I want to stay that way, or I'm not ready to not be. That's unfortunate, considering I'm not getting any younger. But there is honestly no one in my life right now that I can see that changing for.

I think if I had had boyfriends in high school, I would have worked through a lot of these relationship issues like ten years sooner. I've been realizing I'm one of those people that always feels like they want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them, and doesn't like the people that do want to be with them. When I was younger I always felt like it was always an issue of whether or not I would "give in" to some guy who liked me, and in my 20s I rebelled against that by demanding that I be the one to choose someone. Well, that doesn't work for men either lol. But what people say is true - if a man is going to choose you he's going to do it immediately, and unfortunately that's part of what turns me off. I don't like a man making a decision about me and asking me to reciprocate it before I've had time to decide if I feel the same way. It's immediately a lopsided situation and for me taints the whole thing.

I'm going to try to think of a list of men I've met over the last few years that I may have actually wanted to stop moving and settle down with and see what if any patterns are there. I've been coasting by by refusing to get too involved and creating circumstances that are not ideal for good relationships.
 
MischBack said:
Thank you. Alright I'm going to go find another thread and stop clogging up the romance thoughts with my issues :lol:
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No need to leave as it's a safe place for all us singles to vent. :grouphug3:
But lots of good points and recommendations have been made. And kudos to you for recognizing that your relationship experiences aren't what you want and you have a desire to change it. :up:
 
Am I being a bit of a.... well, here's the situation.

I think I mentioned waaaaaay upthread about a guy that I had 'met' online (not on a dating site) that I talked to quite a lot. He made quite a few mentions of wanting to meet, which I was interested in but just trying to find the right time. He was so nice, fun to talk to, very funny, and easy on the eyes I suppose. Not exactly my type, but I was still interested in meeting someone new who was outside of the metro area where the scum of the earth tend to spawn.

He and I text almost EVERY day. Literally. Every here and there there's maybe a week in noncommunication when either us get busy, but then we'd kick it right back up and text daily. Well, since we talk so much it was known that my birthday was coming up. We texted the day before m birthday, and he didn't text me on my birthday but texted me afterwards saying 'I hope you had a happy birthday'. I then proceeded to be very passive aggresive about how nice it was that my coworkers wished me happy birthday when they took me out to lunch, and that it felt very nice to be told happy birthday once one is aware that that is the day that it is. He took the hint and realized I was mad, and my main statement was that we text practically every day and somehow he couldn't text on that ONE day. He said he was busy, he was a terrible friend, and then said 'YOU COULD HAVE TEXTED ME'.

He would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that last sentence. I replied 'ok', he said 'sorry I forgot, I have things going on too," and I didn't reply. My birthday was at the end of August :look: and we haven't talked sense.

So am I being a brat? I think maybe that's a stupid reason to not talk to someone, but my thing is that if someone can't show simple courtesies or displays of interest early on, they aren't going to be any better at it if we were to move forward to meeting, or talking or dating. This is probably why I'm single, but I've been through too many relationships where the guy stopped caring after the first few weeks. It always hits me as a read flag if he can't do something simple early on.
 
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