*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

I was talking to a co-worker, she has a son whose about 26. He has been with his gf for 2-3 years. GF is biracial, black dad, white mom. So she's saying yeah I don't know what's taking him so long to marry her it's getting time for her to move on (her husband took 11 years to marry her). Same breath she says, her son told her that the gf doesn't get on him enough (aka argue and fuss) to do things :spinning:. He needs somebody "stronger". She mentions the brother she raised needs a strong woman to stay on him so he can get himself together - always offering me the brother LOL! I wish I had her son's gf's phone number I would anonymously text her to get the heck on. And the whole family is color struck, so he got what he wanted in that arena, then you want somebody to play mama with you too? And his mom is coaching the gf telling her she needs to be stronger with him. I hope that girl's parents are in her ear because this is a mess waiting to happen!
 
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trueheartofgold said:
Questions for you ladies:

Are you ok with a friend telling a guy that they have a friend (you) who is single? Doesn’t stop there: looking to get married, age, job, looks, education, etc. All this without asking you if it’s ok to do so first?
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To be honest I wish I had friends who wanted to help me find someone, especially if they know a man who is looking for something serious as well. It wouldn't bother me at all, as long as he isn't a scrub.
 
trueheartofgold said:
Questions for you ladies:

Are you ok with a friend telling a guy that they have a friend (you) who is single? Doesn’t stop there: looking to get married, age, job, looks, education, etc. All this without asking you if it’s ok to do so first?
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I see no issue with. I'm assuming they are telling eligible men.
If I were single and looking I'd want this to happen.

Or maybe you aren't looking?
 
@TwoSnapsUp and @Sosoothing, so you all wouldn’t want them to ask you if it’s ok to tell guys about you? Basically an initial conversation asking if it’s ok? Not every time they meet a guy but just an initial conversation.

I’m asking because a co-worker of mine who I’m cool with has done this multiple times. She’s never asked me if it’s ok, she just does it. The most recent, a couple of weeks ago, she started with “I did something.” She then continued to badger me about it and ask why I’m saying no. I know no matter what my response was, it wouldn’t be good for her unless I agreed to go out with him. The main issue with this is that she gets mad when I decline. Lol. She doesn’t just accept and let it go. I don’t want any trouble so that’s why I’m asking.
 
@trueheartofgold

If the person is a friend, then they would have known I was single and looking. When I was single, every person I called "friend" knew I was looking. I was completely fine with them telling marriageable men. No need to ask me first. I mean, we are friends, close and you already know I'm looking. Plus I trust my friends and they wouldn't tell just any man off the street about me.

I don't use the word friend lightly.
If it were a mere co-worker, with whom I am not close, chances are they wouldn't know I was looking as I wouldn't share personal information. In that case, I would expect them to ask me first.
 
trueheartofgold said:
@TwoSnapsUp and @Sosoothing, so you all wouldn’t want them to ask you if it’s ok to tell guys about you? Basically an initial conversation asking if it’s ok? Not every time they meet a guy but just an initial conversation.

I’m asking because a co-worker of mine who I’m cool with has done this multiple times. She’s never asked me if it’s ok, she just does it. The most recent, a couple of weeks ago, she started with “I did something.” She then continued to badger me about it and ask why I’m saying no. I know no matter what my response was, it wouldn’t be good for her unless I agreed to go out with him. The main issue with this is that she gets mad when I decline. Lol. She doesn’t just accept and let it go. I don’t want any trouble so that’s why I’m asking.
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Maybe have a conversation with your coworker about your boundaries.
 
Sosoothing said:
@trueheartofgold

If the person is a friend, then they would have known I was single and looking. When I was single, every person I called "friend" knew I was looking. I was completely fine with them telling marriageable men.

I don't use the word friend lightly.
If it were a mere co-worker, with whom I am not close, chances are they wouldn't know I was looking as I wouldn't share personal information. In that case, I would expect them to ask me first.
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You’re right. I don’t use the term friend lightly. She knows I’m single. I’m not necessarily looking but if I were to meet someone I’m interested in, I would entertain them.

I’m in my early 30’s so she thinks I should be married and have children by now. Lol.

She told me about a month after she started that she knew of someone who would LOVE me. Lol. At that time she didn’t know if I was single or anything about me.

She is very persistent. That’s the best way to describe it. Lol.
 
trueheartofgold said:
@TwoSnapsUp and @Sosoothing, so you all wouldn’t want them to ask you if it’s ok to tell guys about you? Basically an initial conversation asking if it’s ok? Not every time they meet a guy but just an initial conversation.

I’m asking because a co-worker of mine who I’m cool with has done this multiple times. She’s never asked me if it’s ok, she just does it. The most recent, a couple of weeks ago, she started with “I did something.” She then continued to badger me about it and ask why I’m saying no. I know no matter what my response was, it wouldn’t be good for her unless I agreed to go out with him. The main issue with this is that she gets mad when I decline. Lol. She doesn’t just accept and let it go. I don’t want any trouble so that’s why I’m asking.
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I'm talking strictly friends who know me well, not coworkers and acquaintances who don't have my best interest at heart. I have actually told people, don't tell me you want to set me up. Set up a social event where we can meet and go from there if we like each other.

If you don't want your coworker to do this, then tell her and let her know that is final. Period. My favorite thing to say is "This discussion is over" after I have said 'no' and the receiving person is still talking and trying to convince me to change my mind.
Set up boundaries and stick to it. You don't exist to make her happy, so who gives a :censored: if she gets upset.
 
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trueheartofgold said:
You’re right. I don’t use the term friend lightly. She knows I’m single. I’m not necessarily looking but if I were to meet someone I’m interested in, I would entertain them.

I’m in my early 30’s so she thinks I should be married and have children by now. Lol.

She told me about a month after she started that she knew of someone who would LOVE me. Lol. At that time she didn’t know if I was single or anything about me.

She is very persistent. That’s the best way to describe it. Lol.
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Just say no I’m good.
 
trueheartofgold said:
I told her that and she continued to ask me why I’m saying no and not yes. She operates like it’s her way or no way. Eventually it will turn into a big problem like she does with other simple things.

I hope she got the clue the last time I declined.
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I know what you mean. I am learning that “no” is a complete sentence. She brings it up again, just walk away from her, or get off the phone. If through text, hit her with ...... there is no going back and forth. If that’s the route she wants to go, she will have to do it alone.
 
@trueheartofgold I think the problem is she a coworker. Whether you 2 are friendly or not isn't even the issue - it's that she's a coworker. Question -- would you feel the same if this was a close friend of yours from college? Someone you hang with regularly, who knows you well, knows what you are looking for? I ask because no matter how many coworkers I'm friendly with, this would bother me. I keep in touch with several old coworkers that I find cool enough to chat with and catch a drink with every now and then. Out of all of them there are only two I actually call my friends and if they did this I would not be mad. If the others did this I would have a clear discussion with them about boundaries. And quite honestly, probably stop hanging out/speaking with them. Especially if I have to start worrying about if me creating boundaries is going to cause problems. But I go to extremes sometimes.
 
@LdyKamz, I agree with you. I’m going to go into more detail so sorry if it turns out long.

She is very bossy. That’s the best way to describe it and it’s her way or no way. From the time she started working there she’s been trying to tell me what she wants me to do with my relationships, jobs, education, where I should live, etc. She’s been sending me emails with jobs that she wants me to apply to, all of which I have no interest in. It’s really extra. I’m to the point where I just ignore them. She still continues to send them. If I were to speak to her about this or anything else it would turn into a very big argument. When it comes to education, she insists that I should persue what she says I should do. Same with the living situation. And relationship wise, she’s the same.

I would understand if we had a discussion and we both agreed. In the past every time she brought any of the topics mentioned above up and I responded, she would make me look like I’m the stupidest person in the world because it’s not what she’s telling me to do. I’m to the point where I ignore her but she still continues. This week I’m in silent mode because I can’t take the nonsense. She’s texting me since I’m quiet and not paying her any mind.

She’s also done it to other people so I know that’s how she operates. I don’t discuss anything with her because I know it won’t end well. Doesn’t stop her from trying to interject into my life.

I know almost everyone who responded to my question said to talk to her but I know it’s going to turn into a big argument.
 
@trueheartofgold Yeah she is not a friend. And you 2 are not even friendly in my opinion. People fall into the trap of being uncomfortable and letting people be, all to avoid arguments/confrontation - when in truth it would be better to get the confrontation over with to have peace. Which would you rather? A few moments of discomfort and then peace from then on because she knows to stay in her lane or be perpetually uncomfortable and have to avoid/ignore her and stifle your own feelings? She does not have your best interest at heart. I find people like this are trying to have a 2nd life and live vicariously. And clearly she isn't a friend when she doesn't care that she's making you feel like this. Either way, I would tell her to butt out and not mention me to anyone.

Quick story -- A while back at my old job the older woman who sat near me decided she wanted to hook me up with an attorney in the office. I spoke to her about personal things occasionally but we were not friends. When she said she was going to do that I simply said "please don't" and left it at that. This woman made up a whole plan after I said please don't talking about she was going to invite him out with us for drinks and then she would leave and me and him could continue on. I was like what makes her think I would go anywhere with her outside of work? I ended up firmly saying no again and then went to hide in an empty office for the rest of the day. That upset me that I had to do that and after that no more talking for her. You want to push boundaries then you get cut off completely. I will admit, it took me a while to learn how to do this and not feel bad about it.
 
@LdyKamz, Thanks so much for responding! Funny thing is I work in the legal field as well and she wanted to hook me up with one of the attorneys. I told her no and she hasn’t let it go completely because she’ll mention it ever so often. There is a guy that works here who she thinks has a crush on me. I told her he’s married and up to last week her response was “since when has that stopped them?” Smh! This is coming from a married woman who has so much to say about relationships, infidelity, etc.

She did something again this week that basically sealed the deal about how I feel about us being cool let alone friends. Being that we work together and she’s bossy, I know the cold shoulder won’t work that easily.

You mentioned something (people like that are trying to live a 2nd life) and I’ve always thought that’s why she’s trying to tell me to do. When she started she told me about what she wanted to do career wise, etc. and I think she’s telling me to do these things because that’s what she would have done. The thing is none of these things don’t fall into my short or long term goals.

Sigh!
 
@trueheartofgold Too much on her end :handslap:
You guys are not real friends and even if so you no obligations towards her.
The pushiness and attempt to date a married man ( does that mean she would cheat too, or she just doens't care what you do) is over the top.
I would have had to tell her something, that slightly attacked her character seriously. Your true friends know in sense when to back off and when to push a little . Or in my friends case push your behind off a cliff and scream it was for your own good cause they crazy and i've known them for over 20 years :hammer:. There is a difference. You need to tell her in polite but not so polite way to back up...all the way up on everything.
 
trueheartofgold said:
@LdyKamz, Thanks so much for responding! Funny thing is I work in the legal field as well and she wanted to hook me up with one of the attorneys. I told her no and she hasn’t let it go completely because she’ll mention it ever so often. There is a guy that works here who she thinks has a crush on me. I told her he’s married and up to last week her response was “since when has that stopped them?” Smh! This is coming from a married woman who has so much to say about relationships, infidelity, etc.

She did something again this week that basically sealed the deal about how I feel about us being cool let alone friends. Being that we work together and she’s bossy, I know the cold shoulder won’t work that easily.

You mentioned something (people like that are trying to live a 2nd life) and I’ve always thought that’s why she’s trying to tell me to do. When she started she told me about what she wanted to do career wise, etc. and I think she’s telling me to do these things because that’s what she would have done. The thing is none of these things don’t fall into my short or long term goals.

Sigh!
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I know what you about the cold shoulder not working that easily because there was another one in the same office who was always in my business and giving me unsolicited advice. She meant well enough and she didn't bother me as much as the other lady. But I tried to do the same to her in a different way because she wasn't that bad. I slowly started to limit my contact and would just pretend to be busy or give her short polite answers because I didn't want to be outright rude. One day she called me out on it and was like "What's the matter with you? You don't talk to me anymore, you don't go to lunch with me, you act like I'm bothering you. What did I do to you?" I started getting angry that I had to do all these tricks to get her to leave me alone and it wasn't working anyway and I ended up just telling her "I'm sorry. Just trying to get my work done" She left me alone but had a whole attitude about it for a while and it almost got in the way of the work relationship (e.g. if I needed something notarized she would suddenly be busy or couldn't do it for whatever reason) So I totally understand what you mean! It's a tricky situation.
 
@cinnespice, I try to see the best in people but sometimes it’s clear as day that they need to be left alone. This has been my number one obstacle in having friends. I blame myself all the time thinking something is wrong with me. There are certain behaviors I just can’t deal with no matter how much I try to let them fly over my head.

I don’t know how this will end. She fits right next to me and for some reason really likes me. She’s not going to back away easily. I’m not a confrontational person so I’ll try to be as tactful as I can when I speak to her.
 
LdyKamz said:
I know what you about the cold shoulder not working that easily because there was another one in the same office who was always in my business and giving me unsolicited advice. She meant well enough and she didn't bother me as much as the other lady. But I tried to do the same to her in a different way because she wasn't that bad. I slowly started to limit my contact and would just pretend to be busy or give her short polite answers because I didn't want to be outright rude. One day she called me out on it and was like "What's the matter with you? You don't talk to me anymore, you don't go to lunch with me, you act like I'm bothering you. What did I do to you?" I started getting angry that I had to do all these tricks to get her to leave me alone and it wasn't working anyway and I ended up just telling her "I'm sorry. Just trying to get my work done" She left me alone but had a whole attitude about it for a while and it almost got in the way of the work relationship (e.g. if I needed something notarized she would suddenly be busy or couldn't do it for whatever reason) So I totally understand what you mean! It's a tricky situation.
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Oh my goodness! This is my exact situation! I feel like if I slowly but surely disassociate myself with her personally, the work relationship will be a done deal. She’s already started being really chummy with other coworkers she absolutely hates since I started ignoring this week. I don’t care but I see it getting from bad to worse if I leave her alone completely. She may mean well but it’s just how she goes about things. All of which are unsolicited. It’s too much for me but there’s no way for me to avoid her at work. She sits next to me.
 
trueheartofgold said:
Oh my goodness! This is my exact situation! I feel like if I slowly but surely disassociate myself with her personally, the work relationship will be a done deal. She’s already started being really chummy with other coworkers she absolutely hates since I started ignoring this week. I don’t care but I see it getting from bad to worse if I leave her alone completely. She may mean well but it’s just how she goes about things. All of which are unsolicited. It’s too much for me but there’s no way for me to avoid her at work. She sits next to me.
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This is what happens when we don’t establish boundaries from the jump. I suggest doing some research on how to resolve an issue of this nature, and how to start setting boundaries in the workplace. You may get treated differently, but changes have to be made on your part of you don’t want people trying to insert themselves in your personal life. Don’t discuss anything that isn’t work related. Don’t listen to non-work related conversations either.
 
@trueheartofgold
I understand how you feel, and I hope it works out. I have been giving a new opportunity to learn how to set boundaries in the workplace, so if you find some good info, please pass it my way! I’m very friendly, outgoing, and I love to talk! Lol but I’m this day and age, that will get you caught up in mess! Like today, a coworker bad mouthed a senior level manager right in front of me. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I didn’t say anything that would come back to bite me, but it wasn’t my place to give her any advice. Ever since I started there, people have been reckless with the things they say! So, I have learned to just smile, do my job and keep it moving. There is growth potential there, so that’s what I will focus on.
 
@Evolving78, thanks for the advice! She likes me and has always gravitated towards me since she first started. That’s nice and all but it’s the behavior. Her mouth has absolutely no filter. I have been ignoring her all week and I think she’s starting to get the clue. I honestly wouldn’t want this to happen since we work together but I’m at the point where I have no choice. If it were just a work relationship and nothing personal then I wouldn’t feel like this but it’s just too much for me.

And she sits next to me...
 
A friend invited me to an event/party this weekend that looks like it will be fun, but none of my other friends can or want to go and events where I don't know anyone but the person who invited me give me such anxiety. But I do actually want to go. It would be the perfect opportunity to wear a pair of thotty shorts and get cute and possibly meet someone. Sigh. I'll give myself until the morning to make a decision
 
So I am learning how to accept when I've done something wrong/hurtful/upsetting to a partner. I have a hard time first accepting it, then once I do accept it and apologize, I have a hard time forgiving myself for what I've done and kinda just moving past it. I tend to brood and worry and overthink. And then I can get petty and be like "I want to do xyz but I don't want that to make you feel..." I think I'm going to have to meditate on this. Because this is making me feel like I want to run.
 
AECB32CA-8166-41F0-9AAC-BF46E39C5523.jpeg I don’t know who these fools think I am. If God wanted me to look backwards he would’ve gave me eyes in the back of my head. Gone on about your business sir. You want to see my face? I hope you kept a picture of me. Thanks for sending over your new number because I can go ahead and add that to my blockedt list. You are black history, OK? Bye!
 

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