*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

[Dee-Licious]

@movingforward13 maybe the question is what do you consider “ready”. That difference in opinion with the other posters might be the disconnect. You said you felt ready at 14, and from what others have posted they don’t see a way 14 can be “ready” by their definition

 

[Dee-Licious]

She is Black-
Where can she go to find other mothers, who have sought out sperm donors?

She wants one child naturally and to adopt a second. Everything else you listed here, we have already discussed, especially the jobs and cost part about a sperm donor.

She can look online. Everything is available online. There is even a poster here who has had two by choice by the same sperm donor. She was prepared and is loving her choices and her children.

 

[movingforward13]

@movingforward13 maybe the question is what do you consider “ready”. That difference in opinion with the other posters might be the disconnect. You said you felt ready at 14, and from what others have posted they don’t see a way 14 can be “ready” by their definition

Good point. My definition of ready was more of a feeling/mentality. Of course at 14, I wasn’t ready in the terms of education, money, etc. however I attended parenting courses at least twice a week, I worked, my money went toward baby items, etc. I hung around other teen moms, learned about babies, etc.

Now her on the other hand is READY feelings/mentality AND she has the MBA, great salary. She is 6 years from 40. The missing piece here is the man. I would say she is more ready than a 14 year old.

 

[prettyinpurple]

She is Black-
Where can she go to find other mothers, who have sought out sperm donors?

She wants one child naturally and to adopt a second. Everything else you listed here, we have already discussed, especially the jobs and cost part about a sperm donor.

Edit- I guess I see now why it seemed like she was looking for approval. Not that this is a bad thing- I appreciate you ladies chiming in. But I can imagine how defensive she must feel to explain why at 33/34, she is ready to be a mom. Because if she were married, I don’t think she would get the same questions even if her husband didn’t help with the baby as expected, know what I mean?

I'm sure the clinics have info on contacting other mothers who used their services and support groups. She could get a lot of info from support groups.

She definitely doesn't need to defend herself to you or anyone else. Just present it as some points to think about and say that you're happy to talk about them if she wants. She might need to limit any discussion to people who are more supportive and understanding, if she's always on the defensive about it. Some people will never understand or support it.

She is getting more questions because she is preparing to do it without a partner. Frankly thought couples should consider a lot of the points that I raised too. I think too many people get wrapped up in the fuzzy feelings about having a baby (not a child in general, but a cuddly baby) and don't think about the other things. It wouldn't hurt people to figure out a few more things before having kids nowadays.

I love her idea to have one child naturally and adopt a second one.

ETA: I'm a very practical person so I always look at that side of things.

 

[movingforward13]

I'm sure the clinics have info on contacting other mothers who used their services and support groups. She could get a lot of info from support groups.

She definitely doesn't need to defend herself to you or anyone else. Just present it as some points to think about and say that you're happy to talk about them if she wants. She might need to limit any discussion to people who are more supportive and understanding, if she's always on the defensive about it. Some people will never understand or support it.

She is getting more questions because she is preparing to do it without a partner. Frankly thought couples should consider a lot of the points that I raised too. I think too many people get wrapped up in the fuzzy feelings about having a baby (not a child in general, but a cuddly baby) and don't think about the other things. It wouldn't hurt people to figure out a few more things before having kids nowadays.

I love her idea to have one child naturally and adopt a second one.

ETA: I'm a very practical person so I always look at that side of things.

Thank you- I am going to quote your response to her

 

[prettyinpurple]

Thank you- I am going to quote your response to her

You're welcome. I hope she can chat with some other mothers who used sperm donors and maybe their kids. I wonder how the kids cope with not knowing anything much about their other half.

 

[qchelle]

You're welcome. I hope she can chat with some other mothers who used sperm donors and maybe their kids. I wonder how the kids cope with not knowing anything much about their other half.

This made me really curious so I went and googled 'donor babies' and 'adult donor babies' and read a lot of really interesting stories of people who were conceived via sperm and egg donation. From these sites:
https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/blog/?p=722

https://www.theatlantic.com/notes/2017/01/kids-of-sperm-donors/514814/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/donor-conceived-adults-a-lifelong-search-for-identity-1.3161451?mode=amp#ampshare=https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/donor-conceived-adults-a-lifelong-search-for-identity-1.3161451

And here are some stories I read:

WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY?

Submitted on: February 8, 2018

Sometimes I forget that my idea of the word “family” isn’t the same as my peers, other days it’s all I can think about.
I was made using an anonymous sperm donor, my mom had been single for a long time and was feeling lonely I guess. She always tries to joke it off, like saying “aren’t you glad I didn’t just hook up with some douche at a bar”, but I feel like this is her way of overriding my opinion on the subject, because after that how can I argue with her?
I mean, she’s right, I’m glad she didn’t just hook up with some random guy at a pub because otherwise I wouldn’t exist. That messes me up.
How can I possibly talk about how much I hate sperm donation, when without it I would never have been born? I feel like I wasn’t supposed to exist. My whole life I have to make up stories about my absent father. I’ll tell people just about anything but the truth. I feel like my whole life is a series of lies and paradoxes. I have a father… but not really. I was conceived… but more like designed.
To my mother the whole point of my existence is to be her daughter, I feel like she doesn’t really see me as a person, but more of a project she feels is completely under her control. Honestly, why would she not? She literally picked me out from a catalogue. She made sure that I would never have the option to meet my biological father, she never considered my feelings at all during the whole process. It makes me sick.
But I can’t tell her how much I hate that because I know it will wreck her.
It doesn’t really make sense, but I hate myself for how much I regret being conceived this way.

BIOLOGY MATTERS

Submitted on: February 8, 2018

I am so angry with the hypocrisy of the donors and the mothers. Women choose to conceive via donor sperm because they LONG FOR biological connection with their children. But then we, donor conceived children are expected to pretend that we don’t have a similar DEEP NEED for biological connection with our fathers.

I love my mother (even though I am angry) but I still need to know my father. And my grandparents and cousins and siblings and, and, and. I feel hollow with not-knowing.

I’m also angry with the donors who say biology doesn’t matter. They spread their DNA all over without even knowing how many children are out their fatherless. But look at their family life. Biology matters to them there. The children in their house are fiercely protected and loved. And if a paternity test showed they weren’t really his children? He would be furious with his wife. Oh yes, biology would matter then!

People close their eyes and chant, “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.” But it DOES matter. I matter. We matter.

THE DONOR’S WIFE

Submitted on: August 7, 2017

Before I met my husband he had assisted in creating three separate families. His donations resulted in children being born to single women. His actions also resulted in incredible pain for me, despite the fact they were very much charitable and selfless and based on a desire to help.

I am ashamed of him, broken and jealous. I feel robbed of a very intimate connection – something to be cherished and shared only with a loved one and not arranged in dodgy clinics via unregulated websites. It was done before we even knew of each other’s existence but it haunts me every single day and has done for years.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of those selfish women and their children. They will never get to know their biological father as I demanded all contact be stopped when our relationship got serious. I’m not sorry for that. I have a right to expect exclusivity. I have a right to protect my family unit.

I will never tolerate those people in our life. Their children will never be welcome in our home. I will forever feel this rage towards the women who dare call themselves parents.

In my world, parents don’t deprive children of real family bonds or parental love on purpose. They don’t make selfish choices which will hurt their children for years to come. That is why I refuse to let them into our lives even though I know exactly who they are, where they live and what they look like. Yes, I can be an Internet spy just as much as the children will be one day when they start looking for my husband. And they will. There’s no real anonymity online today anyway.

My husband might be a genetic link, but he is not a dad. He now sees the gravity of his mistake. He realises its magnitude and implications. He supports me in urging other families to abandon this route. Reconsider your choice, as there will be repercussions. Don’t donate. Don’t ask for donations. Stop creating broken families and broken people.

Nobody ever thinks about us; the donors’ REAL families. How do we feel? Are our relationships suffering? Are we afraid of the future? What rights do we have? Can you comprehend how much widespread damage this can cause? And really, who is the sole beneficiary? It’s the self-centered, demanding woman, who thinks she can have it all the way she wants it. The so-called mother. She doesn’t deserve to be called that. One day her children will surely agree

THE GIFT OF LIFE OR THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE?


Submitted on: June 5, 2017

34 years ago my mother decided that it was time for her to have a child. With her biological clock ticking and no long term relationship in sight, she turned to an anonymous sperm donor.

She probably thought like most women would: “I’ll give my baby enough love for two”. I was indeed a loved baby…but baby must grow. As a child the idea of my father rarely crossed my mind as I believed that I was “special”…in a good way. It was only when I was ask to present my family tree in front of my class that I felt the embarrassment of not knowing my father.

As years went by I was no longer ashamed of how I was conceived. As I looked to the future with optimism I accepted the fact that the only information that I would ever have on my father was “ Caucasian male, brown hair, with high IQ”. At 17 I was also diagnosed with a high IQ. I’m like my father I thought, something that I will never be able to share with him.

Then came a second diagnosis: I have Asperger’s syndrome. Did I get that from him too? As I grew older I felt like an alien in my own family. To this day, my maternal family have all rejected me because I am “different”. I thought to myself, who cares, I’ll have my own family but that idea, with my everyday difficulties is becoming more and more vague.

It was only recently That i truly realized that I’ll most probably never know anything about half of my heritage. I love my mother but often I find myself despising her for doing this to me, for being so selfish. I, myself, as a woman approaching the big 3.5, I know what it feels like to truly want a child but NEVER would I knowingly take away a child’s right to have a father and a family.

Not only as my mother deprived me from having a father but also sisters, brothers, cousins, grandparents…
My only little hope is with those DNA tests but then again I have to prepare myself for possible disappointment or even rejection…however knowing the slightest thing about my origins is better than nothing at all.

I therefore feel condemned to a life of solitude with the non stop fear of losing my only family: my mother.
I am not saying that all third party procreation are bad but future parents please think of the possible consequences on your child. I sure would have liked my mother to have thought of that.

@movingforward13

 

[yamilee21]

So let me ask this...
She is almost mid 30s
Has a great job, money saved, lowering her debt (student loans).
Working on purchasing her 2nd house
Has family support
Babysits her nieces and nephews on occasion...

What more does she need to consider before having a child? I would love for her to be married- but if she can’t find anyone compatible and she really desires to be a mother, should not being married hold her back?

She is only 33 though, according to your previous post. 33 is quite young to decide you aren't going to meet anyone so you might as well have a baby alone. Most of the women I have encountered who made that choice were 40 or older. And the family support for most of them is far less than what they had anticipated.

 

[movingforward13]

This made me really curious so I went and googled 'donor babies' and 'adult donor babies' and read a lot of really interesting stories of people who were conceived via sperm and egg donation. From these sites:
https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/blog/?p=722

https://www.theatlantic.com/notes/2017/01/kids-of-sperm-donors/514814/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/donor-conceived-adults-a-lifelong-search-for-identity-1.3161451?mode=amp#ampshare=https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/donor-conceived-adults-a-lifelong-search-for-identity-1.3161451

And here are some stories I read:












@movingforward13

Interesting- so she should just find a random man instead then. I am going to share all of this with her.

 

[movingforward13]

She is only 33 though, according to your previous post. 33 is quite young to decide you aren't going to meet anyone so you might as well have a baby alone. Most of the women I have encountered who made that choice were 40 or older. And the family support for most of them is far less than what they had anticipated.

She is 34- just had a birthday.
She doesn’t want to be 40 having kids. This isn’t something she just thought of - she mentioned this to me last year after her engagement didn’t work out. I wrote it off as crazy talk. Then she brought it up again as I was telling her about the gender reveal I am planning. I decided to listen to understand as this is all foreign to me.

Well I am so glad this isn’t my situation. I can really understand how she feels.

 

[movingforward13]

I messaged a guy on a site. Handsome photos, seemed put together but 29...
So I sent a flirty message saying - “You are handsome, too bad about the age difference.”
He wrote back a bit later and said -
“To bad you are black”. (Exactly spelling and all).
Then he updated his profile to say - white meat only. I never hit block so fast.

 

[straightlovely]

I messaged a guy on a site. Handsome photos, seemed put together but 29...
So I sent a flirty message saying - “You are handsome, too bad about the age difference.”
He wrote back a bit later and said -
“To bad you are black”. (Exactly spelling and all).
Then he updated his profile to say - white meat only. I never hit block so fast.

OMG... my mouth literally just dropped open. How disgusting.

 

[qchelle]

Interesting- so she should just find a random man instead then. I am going to share all of this with her.

heyyyy idk man! I'm just sharing what I read!

 

[prettyinpurple]

Interesting- so she should just find a random man instead then. I am going to share all of this with her.

Well let's not take allll the way in the other direction lol.

I'd say encourage adoption, not a random man.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Good point. My definition of ready was more of a feeling/mentality. Of course at 14, I wasn’t ready in the terms of education, money, etc. however I attended parenting courses at least twice a week, I worked, my money went toward baby items, etc. I hung around other teen moms, learned about babies, etc.

Now her on the other hand is READY feelings/mentality AND she has the MBA, great salary. She is 6 years from 40. The missing piece here is the man. I would say she is more ready than a 14 year old.

I'm watching this @movingforward13, please keep us informed. I'm a few years younger than your friend and I'm actively dating as I've posted here but before that happened, I thought about what I'd do if I get to your friend's age and still not married, because I want kids, man or not. And I thought about the donor route.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

So I have a date on Monday evening with Cute Engineer. I like when men actively suggest a place and he didn't. But we have similar interests and he seems eager to meet up. So we'll see.

I'm still dating MFT. We're seeing the Avengers on Friday. I've decided I'm going to talk to him kinda like he did with me on a previous date. I realize I feel more emotionally vulnerable with him than I have with a man ever. We've developed a deep comfort level that I didn't anticipate. But as my mother and therapist both said, our relationship is still pretty vague. It's fine because it's only been 3 weeks, though it feels like it's been 3 months.

 

[qchelle]

So I have a date on Monday evening with Cute Engineer. I like when men actively suggest a place and he didn't. But we have similar interests and he seems eager to meet up. So we'll see.

I'm still dating MFT. We're seeing the Avengers on Friday. I've decided I'm going to talk to him kinda like he did with me on a previous date. I realize I feel more emotionally vulnerable with him than I have with a man ever. We've developed a deep comfort level that I didn't anticipate. But as my mother and therapist both said, our relationship is still pretty vague. It's fine because it's only been 3 weeks, though it feels like it's been 3 months.

Wow! When did yall get tickets?
I haven't gotten them yet and now they're sold out at the theaters around me

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Wow! When did yall get tickets?
I haven't gotten them yet and now they're sold out at the theaters around me

Where are you located? We haven’t yet. But I just checked and showtimes are still available both tonight and tomorrow in my location.

ETA: They’re still available but filling up. Just texted him to see about buying in advance because I’m not crooning my neck sitting in the front.

 

[qchelle]

Where are you located? We haven’t yet. But I just checked and showtimes are still available both tonight and tomorrow in my location.

ETA: They’re still available but filling up. Just texted him to see about buying in advance because I’m not crooning my neck sitting in the front.

I'm in the dmv. I hope he's able to get tickets and good seats!!

 

[movingforward13]

I'm in the dmv. I hope he's able to get tickets and good seats!!

Tickets available in Greenbelt but filling up fast!

 

[LovelyRo]

I took a break from dating... that was over 7 months ago. Who am I? I didn’t realize so much time had passed. I’m back out here!

 

[ItsMeLilLucky]

Also.....is anyone else in a weird mental space when it comes to men???

I just feel like I don’t care either way right now, no one excites me or intrigues me, it’s been years since I’ve felt that giddy feeling from a man and he was a total bust.

I had a reading a few weeks ago and she told me the same thing, that I don’t care about falling in love but she thinks I would be welcome & open if it happens which is true but the level of annoyance that I experience when men approach me is bad


The only man I’m happy to see these days is my lil dog and even then....he gets on my nerves too.

We are here *points to you and I*
I made a post on Facebook saying “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get married if I keep turning everyone down”

 

[UniquelyDivine]

We are here *points to you and I*
I made a post on Facebook saying “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get married if I keep turning everyone down”

I’m saying they’re exhausting! I’m sick of my time being wasted & even if I just wanted a good cutty buddy it requires a level of energy that I don’t care to exert.

 

[LushLox]

I messaged a guy on a site. Handsome photos, seemed put together but 29...
So I sent a flirty message saying - “You are handsome, too bad about the age difference.”
He wrote back a bit later and said -
“To bad you are black”. (Exactly spelling and all).
Then he updated his profile to say - white meat only. I never hit block so fast.

What a nasty piece of work

 

[LdyKamz]

So the bad boy has been blocked and deleted so...he sent me an email. I just can't with people. He says in the email that he realizes he is a pain in the arse and that he knows he is hard to deal with. But I have to see how I contribute? Um, contribute to what? Your poor treatment of me? He went on to say that he thinks there is a larger issue at play here between us and he would like to discuss it even though he doesn't think I will be honest with him. While I'm curious about what he thinks the larger issue is, I did not bother responding. Simply because I'm sure this is just a ploy to pull me back into madness. Why can't people just be normal? If you wanted me, why couldn't you be a normal, healthy, well adjusted, available adult man who takes me on dates and follows through with what you say you'll do? No? You don't want to do that? Then I don't want to see you anymore. I know I may have given you the impression I was up for the bull but I'm not. I do not like feeling anxious and jittery and wondering what will happen. Feeling good on this Friday night with my wine and Twilight Zone marathon on Netflix.

 

[MzLady78]

So the bad boy has been blocked and deleted so...he sent me an email. I just can't with people. He says in the email that he realizes he is a pain in the arse and that he knows he is hard to deal with. But I have to see how I contribute? Um, contribute to what? Your poor treatment of me? He went on to say that he thinks there is a larger issue at play here between us and he would like to discuss it even though he doesn't think I will be honest with him. While I'm curious about what he thinks the larger issue is, I did not bother responding. Simply because I'm sure this is just a ploy to pull me back into madness. Why can't people just be normal? If you wanted me, why couldn't you be a normal, healthy, well adjusted, available adult man who takes me on dates and follows through with what you say you'll do? No? You don't want to do that? Then I don't want to see you anymore. I know I may have given you the impression I was up for the bull but I'm not. I do not like feeling anxious and jittery and wondering what will happen. Feeling good on this Friday night with my wine and Twilight Zone marathon on Netflix.

So I guess "yeah, I know I'm difficult but I'm gonna try to do better" was not an option.

And I'm glad you see through his sad attempt to draw you back in. Let him go waste someone else's time.

 

[LdyKamz]

So I guess "yeah, I know I'm difficult but I'm gonna try to do better" was not an option.

And I'm glad you see through his sad attempt to draw you back in. Let him go waste someone else's time.

Girl I sat there reading line after line just shaking my head. He also said "If you want me to be more explicit about being interested in you I can do that. But when I try and it is treated like it isn't good enough then I shut down". I don't know how I made him feel like anything wasn't good enough since I was actually playing myself hard and letting him do whatever he wanted while making myself feel like crap in the process. That is all him. He knows he ain't crap. But he wants to be babied and coddled. I was a fool to even get this deep with him.

When I listened to Rori Raye's Toxic Men the guy said something about pay attention to whether or not a man has done any work on himself. If he's the type that doesn't have any Eckhart Tolle or relationship advice books on his shelf then run far away. Lol I didn't take too much stock in that at the time but I remember asking the bad boy if he's ever read any self help or spirituality books and him vehemently shaking his head no. I should have booked it then. You don't have to be crazy about self help or anything but not being curious about becoming better than what you are?...most people at some point in their lives will pick up at least one book on the subject. He's not interested in looking inward. Only blaming and molding someone to what he needs them to be for him. I can see that clearly now.

 

[TrulyBlessed]

I messaged a guy on a site. Handsome photos, seemed put together but 29...
So I sent a flirty message saying - “You are handsome, too bad about the age difference.”
He wrote back a bit later and said -
“To bad you are black”. (Exactly spelling and all).
Then he updated his profile to say - white meat only. I never hit block so fast.

Whoa, is this fool black?!

 

[LdyKamz]

I have been single for a little over a year now. I'm trying to remember if this is the longest I've ever gone without a boyfriend. I've dated of course but I mean no steady, regular boyfriend. It's such a weird feeling and I sure as heck picked a good time for it. I should have been taking long breaks like this when I was younger not in my early 30's when I want to be married soon. But I listened to a few Abraham Hicks videos on relationships today and I'm feeling slightly better about my current status. I've been making some pretty stupid arse decisions lately as if I don't trust myself so now probably isn't a good time anyway. Let's see what happens over the next few weeks.

 

[movingforward13]

Whoa, is this fool black?!

Yes