*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

[LdyKamz]

You did good! Today is a new day! Feel good about today! Consider that a teaching moment and move forward. You can’t fix, or change what was manifested. Now focus on you and what you do want. The Universe showed you through your thoughts and focus on what you didn’t want. Now allow the Universe show you want you do want!

One day, you won’t even accept numbers and friend requests that you will have to block. That list will get shorter and shorter.

You are speaking my language. Today is a new day. Onto bigger and better things. Another learning experience. I'll never stop learning but hopefully one day I'll stop making mistakes like these.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Quick Update: I have recently bowed out from dating NOT before making a complete donkey out of self, reach out to an old beau and it has been nothing but text, he is on some show me I am the prize ish, thought it would change, but nope... I asked if this is going to move beyond text he is all liek you taking me out, I jokingly say, yea Dave and Buster's.... This dude was like aight, I am not free Friday but open any other day let me know when, where and time... I havent responded to him and plan to be ghost, if he reaches out I will be on some I dont feel the attraction from you and it would waste my time....

Another dude, whom I know only wants one thing hit me up as well. He sent Edible arrangements to job and asked out on a date, we went to the Museum of sex and dinner. He wanted me to go home with him... #next

Le sigh, its about to be nice out so will try when I build self back up, just been a rough couple of months...

 

[bellatiamarie]

I don’t even want men looking at me!!!! Ugh.... I’m not in the mood! I’m tired of them.

I see you out the corner of my eye as soon as I walk in the store. I don’t even look in that direction but I feel you stop to stare and see you staring out the corner of my eye. I walk as fast as I can to get the one item I went in there for. Here you come.... “good morning, how are you?” “Hello I’m fine.” You follow me to the aisle where I finally find my item. I pick it up and run to the check out.

I don’t know why men follow me around the store!!!! I’m not interested!!!!!!!!!!! Leave me alone

 

[UniquelyDivine]

These last few weeks have been WEIRD for me.... lil peen dude is out of the picture, I figured there was no point is wasting anymore time so I cut the ties.

This past weekend I met two FINEEEEEE men, one is a divorcee & while chatting in a group he casually mentioned he was on a emotional healing journey right now and just wanted friendship and someone to do normal friend things with so he can get out of the house. I’m still new here and he’s a native to the city so I told him that’s fine with me, I don’t think I’m really in a relationship mindset right now anyways so it didn’t bother me.

We went out to eat yesterday and he basically went on and onnnnn about his marriage issues and pretty much solidified the friend path no way in hell man. However; right after our outing he sent me a text that said I was on his mind so I had to remind him of his own rules.

I hope this doesn’t end up being a weird situation because once he stopped talking about his relationship problems he had some nice and insightful conversation and he knows how to fix cars I need a handy man friend in my back pocket


There is another man that is emotionally unavailable that had been on my head lately as well, I don’t know why these types are drawn to me. I don’t have for the nonsense, go heal then try again boo.

The second dude I met is disgustingly fine.....it honestly lowkey makes me angry but shy as all get out which is a good thing I suppose! We shall see what happens, might make for an interesting summer if he sticks around.


Another guy I met off of bumble is hella cool but he turned me off because I asked what he does and he told me “Go stalk my IG”, it pissed me off and I stopped responding to him. This was about three weeks ago and I honestly forgot about him until he sent me a message asking why we stopped talking. I told him the deal and he gave me a genuine and surprisingly mature apology and said he was just joking with me. I told him I would give him a Queen’s reprieve but that I have a low tolerance for nonsense so he can decide if he’s up for the challenge.

Sorry for this long post I needed to mentally unpack all this mess

 

[LdyKamz]

On lunch and thinking about how I got myself into this situation again. I am trying to be completely honest with myself about what I'm doing and why I make good choices and when things get good I make one terrible decision to ruin me and all my progress. A decision so egregious it has the potential to set me back at square 1. I have some ideas but they are hella hard to face because I thought I got through all this already. Seriously. So I just made a pro/con list for the bad boy to see in black and white what I'm searching for. The con list took up the entire page and the pro had 3 things on it. Seeing those 3 things told me clearly they are specific things I'm searching for. The thing is I can have those things...and find them in a decent man that will care for me, respect me, treat me well. The 3 things on that list are not so completely hard to find that I can't find them in someone else along with all the other things I can't even imagine that would make me unbelievably happy.

It is so mind boggling that someone (me!) will dig deep to find these good things in a person so bad for you but when you (I!) find them in someone else you dig even deeper for a reason to disregard those things. Case in point: #2 in rotation has the 3 pro things that bad boy has. Plus he calls me, he texts me regularly, he compliments me, we talk about silly things, we tease each other and I feel no anxiety whatsoever when I talk to him. A nervous excitement but not anxious. However, I have subconsciously written him off because he isn't local. I've done the long distance thing before and it was difficult (but not unbearably so) BUT I have also had my heart broken and been treated like crap. Horrible horrible feelings. That hasn't stopped me from still going after the bad boy though! It's stupid y'all! Me and therapist Guy got some things to talk about.

 

[Evolving78]

On lunch and thinking about how I got myself into this situation again. I am trying to be completely honest with myself about what I'm doing and why I make good choices and when things get good I make one terrible decision to ruin me and all my progress. A decision so egregious it has the potential to set me back at square 1. I have some ideas but they are hella hard to face because I thought I got through all this already. Seriously. So I just made a pro/con list for the bad boy to see in black and white what I'm searching for. The con list took up the entire page and the pro had 3 things on it. Seeing those 3 things told me clearly they are specific things I'm searching for. The thing is I can have those things...and find them in a decent man that will care for me, respect me, treat me well. The 3 things on that list are not so completely hard to find that I can't find them in someone else along with all the other things I can't even imagine that would make me unbelievably happy.

It is so mind boggling that someone (me!) will dig deep to find these good things in a person so bad for you but when you (I!) find them in someone else you dig even deeper for a reason to disregard those things. Case in point: #2 in rotation has the 3 pro things that bad boy has. Plus he calls me, he texts me regularly, he compliments me, we talk about silly things, we tease each other and I feel no anxiety whatsoever when I talk to him. A nervous excitement but not anxious. However, I have subconsciously written him off because he isn't local. I've done the long distance thing before and it was difficult (but not unbearably so) BUT I have also had my heart broken and been treated like crap. Horrible horrible feelings. That hasn't stopped me from still going after the bad boy though! It's stupid y'all! Me and therapist Guy got some things to talk about.

Do you feel you have to earn love to get love? Because the bad boy seemed like a challenge to you. Why do you feel you have to prove to unavailable people that you are worthy? And you see how he kept testing you. Seeing how long you would sit there, then you sat there and tried to play his game, but that’s out of your character. Some folks are built for playing foolish mind games with people, so you will lose every time. How you win is to not play at all. When you got up to leave, then he jumped up and tried to test you again. But you stood your ground and left.
I feel you don’t have to dig deep in your past, because you can’t change, or fix it, but the fact that you are becoming aware of what is going on is where you can start from. Focus on what you do want. Not just from others, but for you as well. When you show respect, care and kindness to yourself, more of those type of people will show up, and when you become intune with self, you will clearly see and feel when your vibration doesn’t match with someone else.
Dating is helping you to figure out something, but that is just what dating is. You won’t find your true partner through sorting and figure out men. He will come to you.

 

[LushLox]

These last few weeks have been WEIRD for me.... lil peen dude is out of the picture, I figured there was no point is wasting anymore time so I cut the ties.

This past weekend I met two FINEEEEEE men, one is a divorcee & while chatting in a group he casually mentioned he was on a emotional healing journey right now and just wanted friendship and someone to do normal friend things with so he can get out of the house. I’m still new here and he’s a native to the city so I told him that’s fine with me, I don’t think I’m really in a relationship mindset right now anyways so it didn’t bother me.

We went out to eat yesterday and he basically went on and onnnnn about his marriage issues and pretty much solidified the friend path no way in hell man. However; right after our outing he sent me a text that said I was on his mind so I had to remind him of his own rules.

I hope this doesn’t end up being a weird situation because once he stopped talking about his relationship problems he had some nice and insightful conversation and he knows how to fix cars I need a handy man friend in my back pocket


There is another man that is emotionally unavailable that had been on my head lately as well, I don’t know why these types are drawn to me. I don’t have for the nonsense, go heal then try again boo.

The second dude I met is disgustingly fine.....it honestly lowkey makes me angry but shy as all get out which is a good thing I suppose! We shall see what happens, might make for an interesting summer if he sticks around.


Another guy I met off of bumble is hella cool but he turned me off because I asked what he does and he told me “Go stalk my IG”, it pissed me off and I stopped responding to him. This was about three weeks ago and I honestly forgot about him until he sent me a message asking why we stopped talking. I told him the deal and he gave me a genuine and surprisingly mature apology and said he was just joking with me. I told him I would give him a Queen’s reprieve but that I have a low tolerance for nonsense so he can decide if he’s up for the challenge.

Sorry for this long post I needed to mentally unpack all this mess

Why do men do this? Do they think we want to listen ad nauseam about their marriage/divorce issues? It's just a total lack of self awareness to me. Stay well clear, there's too much baggage there that he hasn't cleared.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

Why do men do this? Do they think we want to listen ad nauseam about their marriage/divorce issues? It's just a total lack of self awareness to me. Stay well clear, there's too much baggage there that he hasn't cleared.

Yea I was definitely put off by that, friend or not!!! He pretty much sealed the deal with all of that, there is no way in hell I would go down that path.

I’ve done it before thinking I could be there to help him heal and be a shoulder to cry on and ended up with hurt feelings.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

Also.....is anyone else in a weird mental space when it comes to men???

I just feel like I don’t care either way right now, no one excites me or intrigues me, it’s been years since I’ve felt that giddy feeling from a man and he was a total bust.

I had a reading a few weeks ago and she told me the same thing, that I don’t care about falling in love but she thinks I would be welcome & open if it happens which is true but the level of annoyance that I experience when men approach me is bad


The only man I’m happy to see these days is my lil dog and even then....he gets on my nerves too.

 

[LushLox]

^^^I feel exactly the same way. I really need to be in the mindset to date, and right now I'm not really feeling it. It's too much time and effort which I don't really have at the moment.

The butterflies in the stomach feeling, wow I'd have to go waaaay back to remember the last time I felt like that.

 

[LdyKamz]

Also.....is anyone else in a weird mental space when it comes to men???

I just feel like I don’t care either way right now, no one excites me or intrigues me, it’s been years since I’ve felt that giddy feeling from a man and he was a total bust.

I had a reading a few weeks ago and she told me the same thing, that I don’t care about falling in love but she thinks I would be welcome & open if it happens which is true but the level of annoyance that I experience when men approach me is bad


The only man I’m happy to see these days is my lil dog and even then....he gets on my nerves too.

I felt like that last year up until maybe a few months ago but I wasn't worried about it. Now that I'm dating again I feel the straight shift into working too hard mode. It's such a strange feeling because I can see getting burned out once again. But this time if/when that happens I will know where it went wrong and how that happened.

 

[LdyKamz]

Do you feel you have to earn love to get love? Because the bad boy seemed like a challenge to you. Why do you feel you have to prove to unavailable people that you are worthy? And you see how he kept testing you. Seeing how long you would sit there, then you sat there and tried to play his game, but that’s out of your character. Some folks are built for playing foolish mind games with people, so you will lose every time. How you win is to not play at all. When you got up to leave, then he jumped up and tried to test you again. But you stood your ground and left.
I feel you don’t have to dig deep in your past, because you can’t change, or fix it, but the fact that you are becoming aware of what is going on is where you can start from. Focus on what you do want. Not just from others, but for you as well. When you show respect, care and kindness to yourself, more of those type of people will show up, and when you become intune with self, you will clearly see and feel when your vibration doesn’t match with someone else.
Dating is helping you to figure out something, but that is just what dating is. You won’t find your true partner through sorting and figure out men. He will come to you.

I want to adamantly disagree with feeling like proving to unavailable people that I'm worthy of love but that's exactly what it is. Why? I have no clue whatsoever. I don't know if it's to prove something to myself about myself. I just don't know.

I've said this before but I'm saying it again and meaning it. I'm done with this. Path of least resistance. I need to do right by myself for once.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

I felt like that last year up until maybe a few months ago but I wasn't worried about it. Now that I'm dating again I feel the straight shift into working too hard mode. It's such a strange feeling because I can see getting burned out once again. But this time if/when that happens I will know where it went wrong and how that happened.

One hand I guess it’s a good thing. I have some friends that stress themselves out about it and are always on the hunt but I also don’t want to get too comfortable with being on my own.

 

[movingforward13]

@movingforward13 you are such a caring, loving and supportive friend. She is lucky to have you.

Thank you!!! Planning these showers will be so much fun. I have already bought tons of baby party stuff (spending WAY too much, lol).

Tell her to talk to and hook up with some single moms. Making good money provides you with options, but it doesn’t provide you with another parent. You can get a nanny, but you are still responsible and the main one that will be held accountable. Warm fuzzing feelings of wanting to be a mom isn’t a good reason to become a mother. She actually is in a good position to make a clear good decision about this. Why does she want to be a mother? Is that her purpose in life? Has she prepared for motherhood? Does she make time for the children around her now? And getting a sperm donor is ok, but you are still getting unknown DNA. I mean would you plant an unknown seed in a garden that you cultivated?

Unfortunately, most of the moms in her circle are married. I don't know too many people in the DC area to introduce her to any. I think she was asking my opinion because I am a single mom (18 & 7) and she either wanted me to talk her out of it or tell her to go for it. Her reasoning is sound. She is ready to have kids. Her parents (from Africa) want her to have kids as well (well they really want her to get married but that isn't going so well). At 33, she really can't afford to wait any longer - she makes good money, has a strong family structure who will help, I certainly will help out (will curb my baby fever). I am concerned that she isn't married, no man involved, etc. but who am I to judge? I wasn't married to my first's father and marriage didn't work with my second's. We still made it and was probably better off.

I guess the reason why I posted this was because I am in a weird position that had me thinking about dating, love, marriage, family as I am still figuring out this dating stuff. My friends who waited for marriage are now having babies (or planning to have babies) as single mothers while I am 10 years from my youngest being an adult. It is weird to me, as someone who didn't wait. Damned if you do, damned if you don't- kinda sorta?

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

A cutie engineer messaged me on OKC and we’ve been conversing. He wants to go out but I’m detecting a bit of passivity. Ask me out peasant or it’s curtains for you.

 

[Daughter]

Unexpectedly met someone and have a first date this weekend. Letting myself feel a bit excited about it and deciding what the heck to wear

Never mind

 

[OneShinyface]

Tell her to talk to and hook up with some single moms. Making good money provides you with options, but it doesn’t provide you with another parent. You can get a nanny, but you are still responsible and the main one that will be held accountable. Warm fuzzing feelings of wanting to be a mom isn’t a good reason to become a mother. She actually is in a good position to make a clear good decision about this. Why does she want to be a mother? Is that her purpose in life? Has she prepared for motherhood? Does she make time for the children around her now? And getting a sperm donor is ok, but you are still getting unknown DNA. I mean would you plant an unknown seed in a garden that you cultivated?

You are preaching here, Sis. I'm all for those who want to mother, to be able to mother, but there's so much more to it.

 

[cinnespice]

Also.....is anyone else in a weird mental space when it comes to men???

I just feel like I don’t care either way right now, no one excites me or intrigues me, it’s been years since I’ve felt that giddy feeling from a man and he was a total bust.

I had a reading a few weeks ago and she told me the same thing, that I don’t care about falling in love but she thinks I would be welcome & open if it happens which is true but the level of annoyance that I experience when men approach me is bad


The only man I’m happy to see these days is my lil dog and even then....he gets on my nerves too.

I feel that way. I was online dating from last May up until about January of this year and got tired.
It wasn't the lack of dates, it was the caliber of men that i was meeting. I was annoyed with the ignorant and childish behavior of the men that I was coming across. I'm open if something happens i like i meet a guy IRL but it has to spark my interest and that was not happening. I felt bored at times with some of these men. The last one i talked to i think he was Bi and that was the last straw. Now i'm back in school so that is my focus for now.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

I feel that way. I was online dating from last May up until about January of this year and got tired.
It wasn't the lack of dates, it was the caliber of men that i was meeting. I was annoyed with the ignorant and childish behavior of the men that I was coming across. I'm open if something happens i like i meet a guy IRL but it has to spark my interest and that was not happening. I felt bored at times with some of these men. The last one i talked to i think he was Bi and that was the last straw. Now i'm back in school so that is my focus for now.

I think that’s a lot of the same for me, I’ve been lowering my standards and letting shorties & baldies through the cracks because I feel like I should give nice guys a chance but they end up getting on my nerves too.

So it’s like well hell, why even try?

 

[UniquelyDivine]

A cutie engineer messaged me on OKC and we’ve been conversing. He wants to go out but I’m detecting a bit of passivity. Ask me out peasant or it’s curtains for you.

I hate that!!!! Nothing worse than a scared man.

 

[straightlovely]

For those of you on Bumble... what's your go to first message? I literally just got it today and I do not message men lol.

 

[shespoison]

I keep meeting fake good/nice men. I mean...they aren’t terrible, just not as good as they think they are.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I hate that!!!! Nothing worse than a scared man.

Right?! I know men are more nervous than we think but come on. You sent me a message and I responded, we're talking, we have things in common, I'd think the fear of asking a woman out at this point would be almost nil.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

For those of you on Bumble... what's your go to first message? I literally just got it today and I do not message men lol.

I look through their pictures and read the profile then make a flirty/witty comment based upon what I’ve read or noticed.

If the profile is empty & there is nothing to work with then I just ask how their evening is going and go from there

 

[straightlovely]

Thanks @UniquelyDivine!! We’ll see how this goes lol...

 

[movingforward13]

You are preaching here, Sis. I'm all for those who want to mother, to be able to mother, but there's so much more to it.

So let me ask this...
She is almost mid 30s
Has a great job, money saved, lowering her debt (student loans).
Working on purchasing her 2nd house
Has family support
Babysits her nieces and nephews on occasion...

What more does she need to consider before having a child? I would love for her to be married- but if she can’t find anyone compatible and she really desires to be a mother, should not being married hold her back?

 

[Evolving78]

So let me ask this...
She is almost mid 30s
Has a great job, money saved, lowering her debt (student loans).
Working on purchasing her 2nd house
Has family support
Babysits her nieces and nephews on occasion...

What more does she need to consider before having a child? I would love for her to be married- but if she can’t find anyone compatible and she really desires to be a mother, should not being married hold her back?

Because you know that it is so much more to having kids. The strength, the courage, consistency, dealing with different stages in your life and theirs, etc.. and I have special needs children, support or not, It is tough when the father isn’t present, and kids still want to have that connect to the other parent. No amount of support can fulfill that. There will always be a missing link, and that child will either accept it, or reject it. Adopted kids by single parents, accept it, foster kids accept it, kids from parents that didn’t make wise choices accept it, Etc. Everybody may get on board and say they will give you all of this support, but why would you make a life changing decision based on what somebody that isn’t the other parent said? People change, things happen, and you can’t hold nobody accountable for that. You can only hold yourself accountable. Baby fever isn’t a good enough reason to go out and have a child by yourself. And saying I can’t get no man isn’t a good reason either. There are billions of people on this earth.
So again what is the real reason to want to plan to have a child alone? What are you missing from your life that you think being a single mom will bring?

 

[prettyinpurple]

So let me ask this...
She is almost mid 30s
Has a great job, money saved, lowering her debt (student loans).
Working on purchasing her 2nd house
Has family support
Babysits her nieces and nephews on occasion...

What more does she need to consider before having a child? I would love for her to be married- but if she can’t find anyone compatible and she really desires to be a mother, should not being married hold her back?

She needs to chat with some single mothers in general and single mothers who used sperm donors if possible. I would never sign up for it. Is she black? Definitely talk to some black single mothers.

You give the kids back after babysitting so it's only a slice of day to day life with a kid. Tell her to keep an infant or toddlers for a weekend to get an idea of how much energy it takes to tend to kids.

She needs to calculate if her employment position is flexible with time off and maternity leave. How much leave will she get? Is it easy to take off to deal with a sick kid?

She needs to consider who will serve as the primary male role models for her child.

How will it affect her dating life in the future?

Find out the costs of using a sperm donor and the out of pocket costs for a normal delivery after insurance. Factor in extra money in case something goes wrong during birth. Factor in costs for college savings, day care, private school if needed, moving to a larger space if needed.

Honestly she should consider getting completely out of debt before proceeding with the plan and figure out if she can afford the second house after kid costs. Even if she rents it out, there are other costs to consider.

Side questions to consider: Is she set on having a child naturally? Would she consider adoption (infant or older child)?

ETA: She will need to get life insurance and figure out a guardianship plan if something happened to her. Is her family willing to take guardianship in that case?

 

[movingforward13]

Because you know that it is so much more to having kids. The strength, the courage, consistency, dealing with different stages in your life and theirs, etc.. and I have special needs children, support or not, It is tough when the father isn’t present, and kids still want to have that connect to the other parent. No amount of support can fulfill that. There will always be a missing link, and that child will either accept it, or reject it. Adopted kids by single parents, accept it, foster kids accept it, kids from parents that didn’t make wise choices accept it, Etc. Everybody may get on board and say they will give you all of this support, but why would you make a life changing decision based on what somebody that isn’t the other parent said? People change, things happen, and you can’t hold nobody accountable for that. You can only hold yourself accountable. Baby fever isn’t a good enough reason to go out and have a child by yourself. And saying I can’t get no man isn’t a good reason either. There are billions of people on this earth.
So again what is the real reason to want to plan to have a child alone? What are you missing from your life that you think being a single mom will bring?

And I guess that is what I am not understanding. She is READY to be a mother. Isn’t that enough? Motherhood didn’t come with instructions nor guaranteed support. I had a lot of on the job training, and while I am not a perfect mother, I was ready to be one when I made the decision both times.
I guess I am finding it weird that a grown woman who is stable and desires a family should be told to think twice and make sure she wants this. I heard that advice as a 14 year old pregnant teen.

 

[movingforward13]

She needs to chat with some single mothers in general and single mothers who used sperm donors if possible. I would never sign up for it. Is she black? Definitely talk to some black single mothers.

You give the kids back after babysitting so it's only a slice of day to day life with a kid. Tell her to keep an infant or toddlers for a weekend to get an idea of how much energy it takes to tend to kids.

She needs to calculate if her employment position is flexible with time off and maternity leave. How much leave will she get? Is it easy to take off to deal with a sick kid?

She needs to consider who will serve as the primary male role models for her child.

How will it affect her dating life in the future?

Find out the costs of using a sperm donor and the out of pocket costs for a normal delivery after insurance. Factor in extra money in case something goes wrong during birth. Factor in costs for college savings, day care, private school if needed, moving to a larger space if needed.

Honestly she should consider getting completely out of debt before proceeding with the plan and figure out if she can afford the second house after kid costs. Even if she rents it out, there are other costs to consider.

Side questions to consider: Is she set on having a child naturally? Would she consider adoption (infant or older child)?

ETA: She will need to get life insurance and figure out a guardianship plan if something happened to her. Is her family willing to take guardianship in that case?

She is Black-
Where can she go to find other mothers, who have sought out sperm donors?

She wants one child naturally and to adopt a second. Everything else you listed here, we have already discussed, especially the jobs and cost part about a sperm donor.

Edit- I guess I see now why it seemed like she was looking for approval. Not that this is a bad thing- I appreciate you ladies chiming in. But I can imagine how defensive she must feel to explain why at 33/34, she is ready to be a mom. Because if she were married, I don’t think she would get the same questions even if her husband didn’t help with the baby as expected, know what I mean?