*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

KammyGirl said:
You are so right. I actually cried a little tonight about how unkind I was about to be to myself. Is it self sabotage? I mean I know I'm going to get hurt and I'm already sure of what I actually want. It's very clear and precise and he isn't it so why? Human relationships are weird. Like what is drawing me to this man knowing he's not right? Knowing I don't want what is going to happen after this is over. What am I getting out of this? And if I'm not feeling good why would I bother? I'm trying to figure out why I would make the complete opposite decision of what I know I want. I don't understand why I would do that at all and it's soooooo strange.
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I knew from the jump me and dude were a bad idea. About 2 months in, we tried to end it. It didn't last. I couldn't leave him alone, and at the time, vice versa.

Fast forward 7 years. I'm not posting in the married ladies thread. I'm not posting in the relationship and dating thread. I'm posting here and the thread for broken hearts. I played with fire and got 3rd degree burns.

I totally understand how you're feeling, but you have to fight it. You have all the information to make the right decision, one that will help you avoid disaster down the line. Use it.
 
KammyGirl said:
You are so right. I actually cried a little tonight about how unkind I was about to be to myself. Is it self sabotage? I mean I know I'm going to get hurt and I'm already sure of what I actually want. It's very clear and precise and he isn't it so why? Human relationships are weird. Like what is drawing me to this man knowing he's not right? Knowing I don't want what is going to happen after this is over. What am I getting out of this? And if I'm not feeling good why would I bother? I'm trying to figure out why I would make the complete opposite decision of what I know I want. I don't understand why I would do that at all and it's soooooo strange.
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It seems like a case of self-sabotage to me. When things are going well, sometimes people do things to shake things up when deep down they feel that they don't deserve all of the good things happening to them. Good times might even feel boring. If it was me, I'd just say no. No to feeling hurt, no to inviting drama into my life, no to blocking the door with negativity when someone good might be waiting to get in, no to all that he represents.
 
@KammyGirl "Don't do it! Reconsider! Read some litera..ture on the subject"...

Anyways. I've done this before and it was horrible!! Your sanity and joy are most important, and he surely will steal it. I'd block him, at least until you have a clearer head about things, and do something fun in the meantime as a distraction.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
When I receive messages like this I feel like quoting Stringer Bell from the Wire "get on with it mf'er!" I hate all the hemming and hawing, either ask me out and pick a place or leave me be LOL
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:laugh: Right!!!! My tolerance and patience is truly nonexistent! However; he did make a plan shortly after I fused about it

But I think he was nervous because I had to lead the conversation but after the date he text me and asked me out again and said he had an amazing time with me.


I was thinking “You did?!??, you barely spoke sir”

But whatever. These dudes are killing me softly.
 
KammyGirl said:
I'm doing something incredibly stupid right now. I'm making a huge mistake and I know it. I just can't help myself though. This guy is no good for me. We are not a thing. We are not going to be a thing. Yet, I can't stay away from him. We are not right for each other and I suspect he's trying to see if he can get me even though he probably doesn't really want me. I think I'm seeing this for real and for some reason instead of acting on that instinct, I am running straight into the fire instead of away from it. Did all the sense just fall out of my head or what? How do I disengage? My friends are no help.
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Man this is so on point. I agree with block and delete. If you continue you will just be quoting this post later lamenting that you didn't trust yourself enough to walk away and be done with him and the situation. I totally agree about dude just seeing if he could get you, then to have you all hemmed up and he just walks away. See my earlier post about dude popping up after six months. He clearly stated we didn't want the same things. This time I HEARD HIM and walked completely away. I think it shocked him. That no one has ever told him no and meant it and stuck too it. That messed him up. He was waiting for me to give in and make contact and I never did. He was blocked on my cell, and called on my work phone KNOWING that I had to answer. He's lucky, we have caller id here but for cellphones and the like, no name popped up. If I had taken a second to really look at the number I might have recognized it and not picked up.
I said all that to say that there are dudes out there that just want to see if they can get you under their spell. It's a control issue. And it's no good in the end. Stick to your guns, show your resolve and protect your feelings and you space and leave dude alone. He will find someone else to play around with in no short order.
 
crlsweetie912 said:
I said all that to say that there are dudes out there that just want to see if they can get you under their spell. It's a control issue. And it's no good in the end
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Shondo!!!! Girl that was a word!!!

I had a man flat out tell me I was too much for him and my idiotic self instead of listening to what he said and listening to my inner voice I continued on and it crashed and burned shortly thereafter. It took me a minute to recover. He had something to prove to himself and once he got me where he wanted me... that was it.

@KammyGirl don’t walk sis.... run.
 
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KammyGirl said:
You are so right. I actually cried a little tonight about how unkind I was about to be to myself. Is it self sabotage? I mean I know I'm going to get hurt and I'm already sure of what I actually want. It's very clear and precise and he isn't it so why? Human relationships are weird. Like what is drawing me to this man knowing he's not right? Knowing I don't want what is going to happen after this is over. What am I getting out of this? And if I'm not feeling good why would I bother? I'm trying to figure out why I would make the complete opposite decision of what I know I want. I don't understand why I would do that at all and it's soooooo strange.
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Join Katarina Phang's FB group. It isn't for the faint of heart but it's a good read. Many of the women on there are dealing with the same thing. The advice is very unconventional but I think it's always good to consider different perspectives.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/hesreallythatintoyou/?fref=nf
 
Thanks everyone!!! All the emojis aren't showing on my phone right now but ((HUGS)) I'm going to make a therapy appointment for next week and dive into this. @Ipanema I think it's self sabotage too but why??? I don't find good/normal boring. I've been waiting for this calm and easy peace with things lined up just right the way they are for me now for a while. And I feel like I have that even without a man. Things are as close to perfect as they can be with more improvements/accomplishments coming. Why oh why would I want to ruin that? It's beyond me but I was about to do it for real. Isn't that sick?

@SurferBabe I don't have Facebook. But the group sounds interesting.
 
crlsweetie912 said:
I said all that to say that there are dudes out there that just want to see if they can get you under their spell. It's a control issue. And it's no good in the end. Stick to your guns, show your resolve and protect your feelings and you space and leave dude alone. He will find someone else to play around with in no short order.
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This. While you are mulling around still trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how and why you ended up back in the same place...he will have moved on to the next without nary a thought of you. For dudes like this it’s just a challenge, an ego boost - to see if they can still get you but make no mistake they really don’t want you. It’s a vicious cycle:

img_6532.jpg


Better to call it quits now because the more you invest the harder it will be to move on, especially having to start over from scratch after having made so much progress!

Another thing to keep in mind is men like this are usually in various cycles of different relationships at one time - he prob has someone in the #1 spot (idolization phase) who doesn’t know what he’s really about yet, someone in phase 2 who’s starting to slowly but surely see what he’s about and losing her #1 spot as he’s busy charming someone new at the moment, then phase 3 relationships (you) - relationships that have ended but he will still check in from time to time for the ego boost. And men like this are always on the prowl.
 
JustifiablyMe said:
This. While you are mulling around still trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how and why you ended up back in the same place...he will have moved on to the next without nary a thought of you. For dudes like this it’s just a challenge, an ego boost - to see if they can still get you but make no mistake they really don’t want you. It’s a vicious cycle:

img_6532.jpg


Better to call it quits now because the more you invest the harder it will be to move on, especially having to start over from scratch after having made so much progress!

Another thing to keep in mind is men like this are usually in various cycles of different relationships at one time - he prob has someone in the #1 spot (idolization phase) who doesn’t know what he’s really about yet, someone in phase 2 who’s starting to slowly but surely see what he’s about and losing her #1 spot as he’s busy charming someone new at the moment, then phase 3 relationships (you) - relationships that have ended but he will still check in from time to time for the ego boost. And men like this are always on the prowl.
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This is a good illustration of how I figured things out on my own except it's like this.

I believe he has someone in phase 3 right now. Someone who calls and texts him all day and night and he doesn't respond. That was my first red flag. Now that I have experience I immediately knew he played with her in some way and she was in the middle of dealing with that. I'm serious. The last time I saw him she called at least 3-4 times and all I could think was "he roped her in like he's trying to do me right now". Which would leave me I assume somewhere between phase 1 and 2. I don't know him that well (or at all really) and he's charming me and he thinks he's making progress. But I am figuring things out quicker - much faster than I would have before. The problem is I was ready to make a mistake even with my gut instinct. Like I said though this is a pretty good illustration because I'm not about to play myself and end up in phase 3 saying how I was iffy on him in the first place yet I turned around and still got played. Nope. We gonna get to the bottom of this :censored: in therapy!
 
Chile.... my cousin just told me she needs my help planning her wedding. Girl she said she’s marrying a man that currently lives in another state... he’s a two time convicted felon... and she’s moving him into her house and they’ll look for a job when he gets here.

My response “oh really? let me know what you need help with!”

Somebody help me sew a cape or direct me to the nearest cape store. I should be concerned but I can’t even bother.
 
bellatiamarie said:
Chile.... my cousin just told me she needs my help planning her wedding. Girl she said she’s marrying a man that currently lives in another state... he’s a two time convicted felon... and she’s moving him into her house and they’ll look for a job when he gets here.

My response “oh really? let me know what you need help with!”

Somebody help me sew a cape or direct me to the nearest cape store. I should be concerned but I can’t even bother.
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Girl we need that sew on glue for this, we gotta get that cape together right now!
 
So I stole the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack from my damn near 90-year-old granddaddy (who has probably had the CD since it came out and never listened to it :lol: ) and played it in the car on my way home today. I listened to Toni Braxton’s “Let It Flow” and just felt so good y’all. I am goooooood.

“First thing early Monday morning.... I’m gonna pack my tears away”

I am good.
 
Option one excellent career, no kids, kind hearted, respectful, family oriented, ultimate goal is marriage and he treats me like a queen. He initiates all our dates. He makes sure I’m comfortable at all times even when he’s not around.

Option two current job is “something he does but hates it” calls hisself a soul rebel. Appears to be a great father doing what he can to be there for his daugther. He hasn’t initiated much besides things that I won’t entertain. Short time knowing each other but is causing unecessary stress.

Both very handsome and tall (a requirement since I’m tall and love heels.)

Good guy v. Rough around the edges guy

So why am I so conflicted.

Self sabotage is real.
 
Halana Malie said:
Option one excellent career, no kids, kind hearted, respectful, family oriented, ultimate goal is marriage and he treats me like a queen. He initiates all our dates. He makes sure I’m comfortable at all times even when he’s not around.

Option two current job is “something he does but hates it” calls hisself a soul rebel. Appears to be a great father doing what he can to be there for his daugther. He hasn’t initiated much besides things that I won’t entertain. Short time knowing each other but is causing unecessary stress.

Both very handsome and tall (a requirement since I’m tall and love heels.)

Good guy v. Rough around the edges guy

So why am I so conflicted.

Self sabotage is real.
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Right. First guy appears to have no competition.
 
bellatiamarie said:
So I stole the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack from my damn near 90-year-old granddaddy (who has probably had the CD since it came out and never listened to it :lol: ) and played it in the car on my way home today. I listened to Toni Braxton’s “Let It Flow” and just felt so good y’all. I am goooooood.

“First thing early Monday morning.... I’m gonna pack my tears away”

I am good.
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That soundtrack is fiyah!!!
 
I'm still focusing on myself this year. Visualizing really works. While stressed at work, I kept imagining looking out at sea, hearing the waves and feeling peaceful. I manifested a lovely, unexpected, free weekend getaway at a beach resort. It was so fun and relaxing. Normally, I'd feel bad that it wasn't with a romantic partner, but I didn't feel that at all. I enjoyed getting away with my kids and new acquaintances.
 
Halana Malie said:
Option one excellent career, no kids, kind hearted, respectful, family oriented, ultimate goal is marriage and he treats me like a queen. He initiates all our dates. He makes sure I’m comfortable at all times even when he’s not around.

Option two current job is “something he does but hates it” calls hisself a soul rebel. Appears to be a great father doing what he can to be there for his daugther. He hasn’t initiated much besides things that I won’t entertain. Short time knowing each other but is causing unecessary stress.

Both very handsome and tall (a requirement since I’m tall and love heels.)

Good guy v. Rough around the edges guy

So why am I so conflicted.

Self sabotage is real.
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#2 is no competition, he just is probably what you've told yourself you like, familiarity passing itself off as "chemistry" or some "x factor". cut him loose sis!
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
#2 is no competition, he just is probably what you've told yourself you like, familiarity passing itself off as "chemistry" or some "x factor". cut him loose sis!
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There were a few similarities to one of my ex’s. Like you said a sense of familiarity. I ended it earlier after he got an attitude because I chose to go to the gym instead of seeing him. Thanks sis.
 
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