*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

Yesterday, I reached rock bottom as I realized that I need to accept that I will have the same fate as a few of my relatives: never being married.

I need to figure out how to live going forward now that I know the one thing I have wanted the most for years (having a family) will never happen for me.

I just feel like I am taking up space in the world.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
Yesterday, I reached rock bottom as I realized that I need to accept that I will have the same fate as a few of my relatives: never being married.

I need to figure out how to live going forward now that I know the one thing I have wanted the most for years (having a family) will never happen for me.

I just feel like I am taking up space in the world.
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:bighug:

I wish I had something helpful to say but I’ve been feeling the same way for the last few days.
 
LostInAdream said:
@TwoSnapsUp @MzLady78 why do y’all feel this way? Just curious.
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I honestly don't believe there are many good men out there who want to settle down. I know entirely too many awesome women who can't find anyone. I was catching up with a friend of mine who is about 8 years older me (47) and I asked her if she was seeing anyone. She laughed and was basically like she's given up. It's sad, but I feel her.

I mean, I guess anything can happen. But I feel like at this point, I do need to start preparing for the possibility of living the rest of my life as a single, childless woman.
 
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My friend has been with her BF for almost a year. He works a lot and has a messy house. She said she's thinking about cleaning his home as a nice gesture since whenever she needs repairs he's there for her.

She asked me at brunch yesterday if I would do this. I said "NO". The most I would do is find a cleaning service's phone # on Google. Is this mean? She said I was the only woman she has asked so far that said she shouldn't clean for him. She seemed to think I wasn't very giving since I thought this way. Seriously!!?? I'm not cleaning a boyfriend's bathroom.
 
Always~Wear~Joy said:
My friend has been with her BF for almost a year. He works a lot and has a messy house. She said she's thinking about cleaning his home as a nice gesture since whenever she needs repairs he's there for her.

She asked me at brunch yesterday if I would do this. I said "NO". The most I would do is find a cleaning service's phone # on Google. Is this mean? She said I was the only woman she has asked so far that said she shouldn't clean for him. She seemed to think I wasn't very giving since I thought this way. Seriously!!?? I'm not cleaning a boyfriend's bathroom.
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:rolleyes:

So not being your boyfriend’s maid equals not being giving? Whatever, man.
 
Always~Wear~Joy said:
My friend has been with her BF for almost a year. He works a lot and has a messy house. She said she's thinking about cleaning his home as a nice gesture since whenever she needs repairs he's there for her.

She asked me at brunch yesterday if I would do this. I said "NO". The most I would do is find a cleaning service's phone # on Google. Is this mean? She said I was the only woman she has asked so far that said she shouldn't clean for him. She seemed to think I wasn't very giving since I thought this way. Seriously!!?? I'm not cleaning a boyfriend's bathroom.
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Ain’t no way. I would get him a groupon for a cleaning service at best... that’s it!
 
So, this guy texted me earlier this week and said “We are going to get together one of these days Ms. DMV.” Now, I cancelled the plans we had a week or so prior so, I just ran with it. But, I had no idea why he was calling me Ms. DMV and I didn’t want to ask. I thought for a minute that he had me mixed up with another chick. Anyhow, we went to dinner yesterday and he brought up the DMV thing. He was referring to an incident at work where I was compared to a DMV employee by a someone complaining... my memory... smh! I’m glad I didn’t say anything! Lol
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
Yesterday, I reached rock bottom as I realized that I need to accept that I will have the same fate as a few of my relatives: never being married.

I need to figure out how to live going forward now that I know the one thing I have wanted the most for years (having a family) will never happen for me.

I just feel like I am taking up space in the world.
Click to expand...

:bighug:
We're going to get through this. And I believe in you even if you don't right now. I know this is a really tough time and I've had these feelings more times than I can count (and still do sometimes). If you're going to release this desire for a while, do it happily. Still remain determined to create the best life possible for yourself because you deserve it. Focus that energy on your inner joy and peace. How you feel matters. Remain boundless, because nothing is constant but change.

I know you've read a bunch of books, but I highly suggest It's Not You, 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single (preferably the audiobook). It's not a self help book, and it has no pointers or tips on how to solve our singleness, but whenever I get down it gives me peace of mind. The author was a long time single in NYC who didn't meet her husband until her late 30's. Most of her friends were also long time singles who met their husbands in their late 30's and 40's-- and most went on to have children. Others opted to remain happily single. Her stories are so relatable. If you don't have Audible already your first book is free.

Here's an article by the author. Some of this ended up in the book.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

Sometimes, It’s Not You
Modern Love By SARA ECKEL

ON my first date with Mark, he asked how long it had been since my last relationship. I looked at the table, cupping my hand around my beer. I had always hated this question. It seemed so brazenly evaluative — an employment counselor inquiring about a gap in your résumé, a dental hygienist asking how often you flossed. I knew he wasn’t appraising me. We had worked together for two months, and in this crowded bar we spoke with the easiness and candor of good friends — he told me about the pain of his divorce, the financial strain, the loneliness. He had been hanging around my office, sending flirty e-mails and — most adorable to me and mortifying to him — blushing whenever I spoke to him. He was kind of in the bag. But still I didn’t answer. I didn’t want him to know the truth: that I was 39 and hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in eight years. I had seen men balk at this information before — even when the numbers were lower. They would look at me in a cool and curious way, as if I were a restaurant with too few customers, a house that had been listed for too long. One man actually said it: “What’s wrong with you?” “I don’t know,” I had answered.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I said. “I don’t know why.” Now, faced with Mark’s innocent question, I hedged. “A long time,” I said quickly. Mark didn’t seem to notice the evasion. He sipped his beer, and we moved on to other topics — our co-workers, Douglas Coupland novels, Seattle — and then, on a street corner outside the bar, to our first kiss. I knew I would eventually have to tell him. But not yet. When my long-ago date asked that question — “What’s wrong with you?” — I was, of course, outraged. I finished my drink, said I had to get up early. But honestly, his question was no worse than the one I asked myself nearly every day. It wasn’t full-blown self-loathing, more a hollowness that hit me in the chest at certain times — a long subway ride home from a mediocre date, a phone conversation with a married friend who suddenly said she has to go, her husband just took the roast out of the oven.

My solace came from the place where single women usually find it: my other single friends. We would gather on weekend nights, swapping funny and tragic stories of our dismal dating lives, reassuring one another of our collective beauty, intelligence and kindness, marveling at the idiocy of men who failed to see this in our friends. Mostly, we would try to make sense of it all. Were our married friends really so much more desirable than we were? Once in a while someone would declare that married women were actually miserable, that it was they who envied us. But this theory never got too far — we knew our married friends wouldn’t switch places with us, no matter how much they complained about their husbands.

Of course, there are many popular books and television shows that detail the lives of such women, but in those stories adorable men constantly approach the heroines in parks and bus stops and ask them to dinner. The sitcom single woman is never alone for long. She skips from one man to the next, changing boyfriends as frequently as she does purses. My friends and I had various dates and mini relationships, but mostly we were alone.

While many of us watched and enjoyed these shows — and didn’t entirely mind when people remarked that our lives were “just like” the protagonists’ — the stereotype they created of the over-30, man-hunting singleton cast a shadow over us. Being an unattached woman who would rather not be somehow meant you were a nitwit, a bubblehead who had few concerns beyond shopping, pedicures and “Will he call?” My friends and I had no interest in shopping or pedicures, but that didn’t stop us from feeling wildly embarrassed that we longed for love. Admitting that you wanted a husband — much less that you were distraught you didn’t have one — seemed like a betrayal of feminism. We were supposed to be better than this. (Not that any actual feminists said it was so awful to want a relationship. The e-mails we received from NOW and Planned Parenthood focused on reproductive rights and equal pay, not dating and marriage.) Professing a need for love could also be taken as evidence that you weren’t ready for it.

One December night when I was having drinks with a married male friend, he grew exasperated with my (admittedly annoying) complaints about having to spend yet another holiday season without a partner. “Sara, in almost every way you have it together,” he said, “but on this one topic you turn into this ridiculous girl!” Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me, that there was some essential flaw — arrogance, low self-esteem, fear of commitment — that needed to be fixed. I needed to be fixed. As a freelance writer, I couldn’t afford a good therapist, but my job did give me access to some of the country’s best mental-health professionals. As I wrote articles on first dates and break-ups, I interviewed psychology professors and therapists, shamelessly peppering the conversation with anecdotes from my own life. I was trying to get at the root of the problem — for the benefit of womankind, and for myself. I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book— who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another? Or was I not positive enough? The experts agreed that a positive attitude was very important for attracting men. I could see it — sure. But this is not my strength. I believe global warming is real and heaven is a fantasy. I believe people who think “everything happens for a reason” must have never opened a newspaper. Some may call it negative. I call it realistic. A lot of good things happened during my period of constructing Sara 2.0. I went to artists’ colonies, taught storytelling to young people from disadvantaged backgrounds, adopted a rescue dog, learned to do a handstand — all under the banner of “Learning to Love My Single Life.” And I made sure everyone knew my life was super-duper awesome with or without a man — my adorable apartment! my fulfilling career! my amazing friends! But I also knew I couldn’t play that card too often, lest the Greek chorus conclude that my well-oiled life left no room for love. As a male friend once told me, “Sometimes you see a woman who has her act together so well that you think, What does she need me for?”

My efforts yielded many friends and filled my calendar with fulfilling activities. I went on Internet dates, speed dates and blind dates. I had great hair and a confident smile. But I was still alone. And in the dark of Saturday night, I still asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” Mark and I dated for a month before I revealed my shoddy relationship résumé. When I did, he shrugged. “Lucky for me,” he said, “all those other guys were idiots.” And that was it. To Mark, I was not a problem to solve, a puzzle that needed working out. I was the girl he was falling in love with, just as I was falling in love with him.

Six years later, this past June, he and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. My close friends — the ones with whom I had shared many impromptu therapy sessions — had come to the wedding in a small Brooklyn park. And so had their husbands. Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway. What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.
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UniquelyDivine said:
I have met one of the most attractive men I’ve seen since I’ve been in Dallas, he was tall, tatted & muscular.

We had a riveting and passionate discussion about black wealth, natural hair care and college funds for our future children in the middle of the bar :laugh:
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See this is a recipe for disaster for me. I act like I don't have a lick of sense when these men come around. :lol: So I'm guessing y'all exchanged contact info?
 
SurferBabe said:
See this is a recipe for disaster for me. I act like I don't have a lick of sense when these men come around. :lol: So I'm guessing y'all exchanged contact info?
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:drunk: Girlllll......I’m trying not to make assumptions about him being a no good because of his attractiveness but deep down I was thinking “I know how this will end” :rolleyes: but ol buddy from this summer wasn’t my type at allllll and he still ended not being bout nothing so I figure might as well enjoy the view in the meantime :giggle:

And we sure did, he insisted on it, he already hit me up this morning :bdance:
 
UniquelyDivine said:
:drunk: Girlllll......I’m trying not to make assumptions about him being a no good because of his attractiveness but deep down I was thinking “I know how this will end” :rolleyes: but ol buddy from this summer wasn’t my type at allllll and he still ended not being bout nothing so I figure might as well enjoy the view in the meantime :giggle:

And we sure did, he insisted on it, he already hit me up this morning :bdance:
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You have nothing to lose! The guy I fell for in Texas was short and overweight and he still ended up dumping me. Looking back I could have at least enjoyed a short term romance with a fine, tall man :look:. The good looking ones are the best type to practice self control with anyway.
 
SurferBabe said:
You have nothing to lose! The guy I fell for in Texas was short and overweight and he still ended up dumping me. Looking back I could have at least enjoyed a short term romance with a fine, tall man :look:. The good looking ones are the best type to practice self control with anyway.
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See.... :nono:


I was talking to my male cousin about how I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and not be overly shallow when it comes to men and he was like “Naw **** dat! Be shallow when it comes to these fools” :laugh:

That’s the problem with me though, when it comes to the sexy ones I’ don’t have self control :laugh:
 
Ladies, I understand what y'all are saying. This journey as a single woman has it's up and downs. I can be honest with myself and anyone else about it. When you have a desire that is not being fulfilled and y0u've done "your part" you get frustrated. I mentioned in here a few days ago that I'm tired of dating. I am tied of dating. I get it. I had a moment today and had to say to myself "two tears in a bucket..." y'all know the rest :lol:.

I listened to this song a few times today:

 
These youngins are relentless in their pursuit, even once they know how old I am. I spent my Saturday being entertained, wined, and dined by a 23 year old :drunk:. He's mature, self-aware, and wise beyond his years, so conversationally it didn't feel weird...but I'm kind of irritated that I can't meet a man closer to my age where the conversation flows easily and it's just comfortable to be around them (no attempts to "perform" or have to strategize our interactions).
 
bellatiamarie said:
Ladies, I understand what y'all are saying. This journey as a single woman has it's up and downs. I can be honest with myself and anyone else about it. When you have a desire that is not being fulfilled and y0u've done "your part" you get frustrated. I mentioned in here a few days ago that I'm tired of dating. I am tied of dating. I get it. I had a moment today and had to say to myself "two tears in a bucket..." y'all know the rest :lol:.

I listened to this song a few times today:

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Love this post and thanks for the song suggestion!

It's great to have a place to vent. I had to stop venting to the people around me because I could tell they were tired of hearing me complain about it. Plus I think a lot of the advice that is given to us has become like a broken record-- focus on yourself, live your life, travel, work towards your goals, and when you stop looking it will happen. :yawn: Yea, most of us have been doing that for years. Being serious all of the time gets exhausting. A new relationship brings a renewed sense of purpose. It helps break up your routine. It's exciting, and most of us miss that feeling. It's especially tough during these darn holidays! :cry3:Y'all get it!
 
These freakin’ ninjas, man.

I had ventured back into online dating and realized after a couple of breakdowns this weekend that 1) I’m not even remotely ready, I really need to let go and move on from dude and not just try to replace him, and 2) honestly, I don’t really feel like focusing on anything but myself and my healing right now. So one of the 2 dudes I had been chatting with kinda regularly got back into town and asked about meeting tomorrow for drinks. I had mentioned to him before that I'd had a recent heartbreak and told him some of what I said in the first sentence. He goes "I appreciate your honesty. I will delete your number and give you space, man. Damn POF people". Like, for real? I could have just went ghost but per usual, I was trying to be nice, and you gonna give me attitude? **** you. I blocked him. I didn't even bother to respond to the other dude's last message and tell him, I just uninstalled my Kik app. Maybe it was wrong but I just don't care about being "right" anymore. I really don't.

A few days ago, me and the dude I decided wouldn't make a good maintenance man were chatting. He said something about hopefully having some time for himself soon and then I could cook him dinner.

Uh, come again?

You haven't done a damn thing for me that would make feel compelled to throw something in the microwave for you, nevermind cook you a friggin' meal. You know I'm going through something, but God forbid you do something nice FOR ME. He continues to show how selfish he is and that's why I will never give him any ever again.

These dudes just won't be satisfied until they turn me into a stark, raving b****.

And can I say how annoyed I am at how I have not been able to take advantage of finally having my own place? Almost 2 years and the only man who has been here is the one I'm trying to forget. I hate that so much.
 
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gimbap said:
This is the 2nd time I've been cursed out and called out of my name by a dude from the past. 1st time was because I caught him in multiple lies. This time because I wouldn't go dutch. I'm so tired of dating!
Also, 1st dude told me he would kill me. This dude told me I needed to die. Sigh....
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SMH. Sorry you had to deal with that. They sound unstable.

But I think a lesson here is that dudes from the past probably need to stay in the past.
 
MzLady78 said:
A few days ago, me and the dude I decided wouldn't make a good maintenance man were chatting. He said something about hopefully having some time for himself soon and then I could cook him dinner.

Uh, come again?

You haven't done a damn thing for me that would make feel compelled to throw something in the microwave for you, nevermind cook you a friggin' meal. You know I'm going through something, but God forbid you do something nice FOR ME. He continues to show how selfish he is and that's why I will never give him any ever again.

These dudes just won't be satisfied until they turn me into a stark, raving b****.

And can I say how annoyed I am at how I have not been able to take advantage of finally having my own place? Almost 2 years and the only man who has been here is the one I'm trying to forget. I hate that so much.
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There are some straight clowns out here! :nono: I went through a period like this after the whole ordeal with the Texas guy and believe it or not, I grew a lot from the anger. The old, starry-eyed me was such a giver and eager to please. But after you've had your heart stomped on, a dude asking for any little thing when he's done nothing to earn it sets you off. I did all of that cooking, serving, and sexing for a man who walked right over me to chase after a woman who ignored him most of the time. Bet I won't do that again! These days a dude is lucky if he can get a popsicle stick out of me without putting in work. You can grow from the anger but don't let it control you. If you stop just short of becoming the stark, raving b, you'll be good.
 
SurferBabe said:
There are some straight clowns out here! :nono: I went through a period like this after the whole ordeal with the Texas guy and believe it or not, I grew a lot from the anger. The old, starry-eyed me was such a giver and eager to please. But after you've had your heart stomped on, a dude asking for any little thing when he's done nothing to earn it sets you off. I did all of that cooking, serving, and sexing for a man who walked right over me to chase after a woman who ignored him most of the time. Bet I won't do that again! These days a dude is lucky if he can get a popsicle stick out of me without putting in work. You can grow from the anger but don't let it control you. If you stop just short of becoming the stark, raving b, you'll be good.
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I hear you.

I realized this weekend that I will likely never be the same after this dude. In some ways, that's good because there are definitely things about me and my behaviors that need to change. But I'm worried about the good things about me not being the same.
 
spoke to my ex-SIL who is a single mom... and Asian (adopted) in her early 30s.

Anyhoo, she was engaged to an Asian dude the last 2 years and they are set with a marriage date in spring 2018.

Well, she got contacted on Facebook by some random man who abruptly informed her that her fiancé was banging his wife with pics as receipts. :nono:

Poor thing is devastated. It was only 3 months ago. This is the 3rd potential husband in a row that turned out to be shady or trifling or both. I feel bad for her. Shes basically given up as im seeing some ladies here!

Wow. the times we live when even (a sweet) Ming-li :look: can't even get someone to lock it down!
 
So, I had 4 first dates in 7 days. Idk if this is considered "standard" for some folk but I found it super tiring. By the final first date, my energy levels were like...**** it :sleep:.

One candidate, who I met for a 2nd date yesterday, might be promising if he plays his cards right. Buuuttt who knows? I've taken on the mentality of not investing in the outcome. It makes it easier to sit back and watch what (if anything) happens.
 
DarkJoy said:
\\
\even (a sweet) Ming-li :look: can't even get someone to lock it down!
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LMAO

tocktick said:
So, I had 4 first dates in 7 days. Idk if this is considered "standard" for some folk
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AkkpP.gif

no it's not for some of us lol
 
Had a date tonight and he was another dud. He was very sweet, very smart, very handsome. 6'3 smooth skin, muscles popping out everywhere and not in a gross way. I don't really like buff dudes but this guy was just right. He was crazy sexy! He owns 2 businesses, never been married but wants to be. Conversation flowed smoothly and we were very comfortable with each other. Flirting and playfully teasing each other the entire time. Sounds promising right? He doesn't want children. He is not an option for me. Moving on. I'm getting really good at this. lol
 
KammyGirl said:
Had a date tonight and he was another dud. He was very sweet, very smart, very handsome. 6'3 smooth skin, muscles popping out everywhere and not in a gross way. I don't really like buff dudes but this guy was just right. He was crazy sexy! He owns 2 businesses, never been married but wants to be. Conversation flowed smoothly and we were very comfortable with each other. Flirting and playfully teasing each other the entire time. Sounds promising right? He doesn't want children. He is not an option for me. Moving on. I'm getting really good at this. lol
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I’m glad you didn’t try to convince yourself to stick around to see if he would change his mind. Just move on now..
 
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