I've been reading calling in the one and doing *some* of the exercises but overall it has already changed me. Things are happening with this new guy that I don't think have ever happened in a relationship since my ex-fiance. He actually asked me what my needs are? I think that's strange. So I just gave him a weird look and he said he knows it seems like a weird question but he'd like to know that he can meet them so we can continue to move forward. I feel like this is kind of intense. Do people do this? I'm going to put this post in the calling in the one thread too.
*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*
- Thread starter DarkJoy
- Start date
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Do not tell him. Let him learn you and figure it out.
Reason I say that is because I have been told by many men when a guy asks you what's your type or what can he do to make you happy, etc. when they first meet you- they are trying to see what you require in order for them to sleep with you. They are getting straight to the point- what do you need/ want so I can quickly hit. If you are asking for too much, then he knows upfront not to waste time. A guy with good intentions will take his time to get to know you-
You needs, wants, dreams, goals, fears, etc. and that all won't be done in a day.
Zip your lips and play coy. He wants it- let him work for it.
Reason I say that is because I have been told by many men when a guy asks you what's your type or what can he do to make you happy, etc. when they first meet you- they are trying to see what you require in order for them to sleep with you. They are getting straight to the point- what do you need/ want so I can quickly hit. If you are asking for too much, then he knows upfront not to waste time. A guy with good intentions will take his time to get to know you-
You needs, wants, dreams, goals, fears, etc. and that all won't be done in a day.
Zip your lips and play coy. He wants it- let him work for it.
bellatiamarie
Well-Known Member
I think it's great. Most men are truly clueless about what a woman needs. Him asking the question indicates to me that he is interested in knowing what your needs are and is interested in attempting to meet those needs.
The guy from my church that I was seeing for almost 3 months up until about 2 days ago (
) did not seem interested in what I needed. He could barely remember important things about me. But he would mention his likes and dislikes quite frequently. That was a huge indicator to me that he didn't give a shh about what I truly needed or wanted. He was more concerned about making sure I could meet his needs. I had to send him on his way.
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
People downplay the role location plays in dating. It's huge. During the year and a half I spent living in Quebec, I had more men than I could keep up with ( I was open to all races of course). I went from having no luck in my hometown to calling all of the shots. I could ghost one man and meet another one the same day with no effort. I felt the same vibe out west but I wasn't in any city long enough to know if it was the norm. Plus all of the prospects were non-black and at the time, I was strictly into BM.
In Texas there were so many men and prospects but too many of the ones I met wanted to play the field forever. However, that had more to do with where I was meeting them. Since I spent half of my time there pining away for some dude that didn't want me, I didn't get to really explore the market, but it is a gold mine for a focused, single woman who knows what she wants. And black love was everywhere. A spartan could live like a queen there.
Where I'm at now-- it's dismal, which is why I'm taking a break
. If you didn't snatch up the handful of half-decent men living here early on, forget about it. And I say half-decent, because even the model husbands are not faithful. It is a typical blue collar city full of coddled men and ambitious women. Most of the decent men have left to chase opportunities elsewhere. The number of full package, long-time single black women I meet here is depressing and dating out isn't really an option because there is still a lot of racial tension here it seems. Even most of the married white women I come across are taking care of their husbands. I'm glad I only have to be here until year end with work. I'm heading to a city where I can call the shots before I start back dating. I'm not about struggle when I know there are locations where I'm a hot commodity and can relax and have them come to me.
Location, location, location. Even when traveling I've noticed a difference in the number of men who pursue me from one location to the next. The qualities men from one location overlook might be appreciated by men over a thousand miles away. For some single women, it might be worth it to move. It could change your luck.
In Texas there were so many men and prospects but too many of the ones I met wanted to play the field forever. However, that had more to do with where I was meeting them. Since I spent half of my time there pining away for some dude that didn't want me, I didn't get to really explore the market, but it is a gold mine for a focused, single woman who knows what she wants. And black love was everywhere. A spartan could live like a queen there.
Where I'm at now-- it's dismal, which is why I'm taking a break
. If you didn't snatch up the handful of half-decent men living here early on, forget about it. And I say half-decent, because even the model husbands are not faithful. It is a typical blue collar city full of coddled men and ambitious women. Most of the decent men have left to chase opportunities elsewhere. The number of full package, long-time single black women I meet here is depressing and dating out isn't really an option because there is still a lot of racial tension here it seems. Even most of the married white women I come across are taking care of their husbands. I'm glad I only have to be here until year end with work. I'm heading to a city where I can call the shots before I start back dating. I'm not about struggle when I know there are locations where I'm a hot commodity and can relax and have them come to me.Location, location, location. Even when traveling I've noticed a difference in the number of men who pursue me from one location to the next. The qualities men from one location overlook might be appreciated by men over a thousand miles away. For some single women, it might be worth it to move. It could change your luck.
I didn't even think of that because this dude has no game...like at all. He's completely transparent. No games and I like it. It's definitely a change for me. But you're right. I'd still like to have the discussion but not in a way where I'm handing him a guide book on how to please me.
UniquelyDivine
Well-Known Member
People downplay the role location plays in dating. It's huge. During the year and a half I spent living in Quebec, I had more men than I could keep up with ( I was open to all races of course). I went from having no luck in my hometown to calling all of the shots. I could ghost one man and meet another one the same day with no effort. I felt the same vibe out west but I wasn't in any city long enough to know if it was the norm. Plus all of the prospects were non-black and at the time, I was strictly into BM.
In Texas there were so many men and prospects but too many of the ones I met wanted to play the field forever. However, that had more to do with where I was meeting them. Since I spent half of my time there pining away for some dude that didn't want me, I didn't get to really explore the market, but it is a gold mine for a focused, single woman who knows what she wants. And black love was everywhere. A spartan could live like a queen there.
Where I'm at now-- it's dismal, which is why I'm taking a break
Location, location, location. Even when traveling I've noticed a difference in the number of men who pursue me from one location to the next. The qualities men from one location overlook might be appreciated by men over a thousand miles away. For some single women, it might be worth it to move. It could change your luck.
I've noticed this! I need to refocus, these dudes are a dime a dozen. I've been kind of anti social but I've still gone on more dates in Dallas in a month than I would've in my hometown in 6.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
Sounds like a "Secure" person in the book "Attached" that was recommended on here. I think I'm on chapter 6, but the book has said repeatedly that those with secure attachments are willing to meet their partner's needs and are communicative about it.
If you are concerned, don't tell him all the things, but communicate some needs while you two are building trust. If he is consistent with meeting those needs, share more.
JustifiablyMe
Well-Known Member
Man, you guys are really making me want to pack my bags and move now. 
It hasn't even been a year yet that I've been out here and this situation has me ready to leave. My love life wasn't exactly taking off on the east coast so I thought how much worse can it get? Well apparently a lot worse. No matter how confident you are, dealing with this everyday really takes a toll on your self esteem. Another thing I noticed is that there are no black girls in my son's class. That really bothers me too because I'll be damned if my son goes down the same route as all these becky loving black dudes out here.
It hasn't even been a year yet that I've been out here and this situation has me ready to leave. My love life wasn't exactly taking off on the east coast so I thought how much worse can it get? Well apparently a lot worse. No matter how confident you are, dealing with this everyday really takes a toll on your self esteem. Another thing I noticed is that there are no black girls in my son's class. That really bothers me too because I'll be damned if my son goes down the same route as all these becky loving black dudes out here.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
@SurferBabe location definitely matters. I'd be engaged by now if I hadn't left D.C. Im 99.9% sure of it.
Texas though I'm beating men off with a stick, but they are basic as hell to me. And I'm talking about the highly educated ones. They remind me of a bunch of Ben Carsons: highly skilled in their field, but little critical thinking. Maybe because I'm over 30 I missed all the ones who are a little more dynamic. Plus they are religious and conservative, and I'm a heathen 
They love my heathen ass though. One dude went on and on about the role of God in his life, and how he wanted a God-centered marriage, and I was like, "that's awesome dude. God is great, but I'm not religious AT ALL" (more spiritual which I don't go into with folks). And he STILL was persistent in his pursuit. Did you not just hear what I told you?!
That's just me though, I'm aware my match is a rare breed. I do think for a traditional BW it's a great place to be if you get in early.
Texas though
I'm beating men off with a stick, but they are basic as hell to me. And I'm talking about the highly educated ones. They remind me of a bunch of Ben Carsons: highly skilled in their field, but little critical thinking. Maybe because I'm over 30 I missed all the ones who are a little more dynamic. Plus they are religious and conservative, and I'm a heathen They love my heathen ass though. One dude went on and on about the role of God in his life, and how he wanted a God-centered marriage, and I was like, "that's awesome dude. God is great, but I'm not religious AT ALL" (more spiritual which I don't go into with folks). And he STILL was persistent in his pursuit. Did you not just hear what I told you?! That's just me though, I'm aware my match is a rare breed. I do think for a traditional BW it's a great place to be if you get in early.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
I am in DC - please tell me more... from your perspective because I am having a hard time seeing it. The professional men here are busy playing the field. This doesn't seem like the settling down type of area but I am still learning it.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
ok so wth are you so us sisters here can avoid that state/ city at all costs?
People downplay the role location plays in dating. It's huge. During the year and a half I spent living in Quebec, I had more men than I could keep up with ( I was open to all races of course). I went from having no luck in my hometown to calling all of the shots. I could ghost one man and meet another one the same day with no effort. I felt the same vibe out west but I wasn't in any city long enough to know if it was the norm. Plus all of the prospects were non-black and at the time, I was strictly into BM.
In Texas there were so many men and prospects but too many of the ones I met wanted to play the field forever. However, that had more to do with where I was meeting them. Since I spent half of my time there pining away for some dude that didn't want me, I didn't get to really explore the market, but it is a gold mine for a focused, single woman who knows what she wants. And black love was everywhere. A spartan could live like a queen there.
Where I'm at now-- it's dismal, which is why I'm taking a break
Location, location, location. Even when traveling I've noticed a difference in the number of men who pursue me from one location to the next. The qualities men from one location overlook might be appreciated by men over a thousand miles away. For some single women, it might be worth it to move. It could change your luck.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
I heard tons of complaints about DC so I moved there with no expectations. I just went out to have a good time, never expected to meet anyone, and I always did. I got invited to an impromptu house gathering in late winter. I was in the midst of dissertation writing and needed a break, so I said "*** it" and showed up in yoga pants, a college hoodie, rain boots and glasses. Other gals were dressed to the nines. I left with at least 5 numbers that night. I didn't know anyone at the party except one person, so I just kept floating around to different groups of people, chitchatting and getting to know them. Initially I was meeting a lot of men who seemed to be playing the field, but towards spring I met more who were ready to settle down, I had two left of my original harem to choose from who were dating for marriage. I just met them too late, I knew chances were I wouldn't be in DC past June. I can't say there was any rhyme or reason to it. I met one at a house party, and one at a wedding. So I guess non-club/lounge situations? But even then, I had a serious boo when I first arrived who I met at Marvin's on a Monday night. I met another guy on tinder who was smitten by me and was READY for marriage. But I had to go dark once my defense date approached, and he took it as I wasn't interested and could "make time if I wanted", so I dropped him.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Sorry you're having to deal with these petty bw hater own nothing ninjas but their love of white poon out here. from my estimations the entire western seaboard is bad, Oregon and Washington are joining in the mix too.
they look over you, through you, to the side of you.... i try not to overstate it on lhcf for fear ppl think im butt hurt or dedperate over these men. no! how they are against the bw here sets our dating and future marriage landscape and we need to decide how to reset ourselves to make the best decisions for our lives here.
if you decide to date out (i encourage it here esp if youll be here for life... or deal with the possibility of dying alone) these ninjas will give you terrible stank face and mumble some bs to you. They are a mess.
PS, its not like the ww they date are better either. they can be fat, broke, with several kids, methed out and on welfare...
they look over you, through you, to the side of you.... i try not to overstate it on lhcf for fear ppl think im butt hurt or dedperate over these men. no! how they are against the bw here sets our dating and future marriage landscape and we need to decide how to reset ourselves to make the best decisions for our lives here.
if you decide to date out (i encourage it here esp if youll be here for life... or deal with the possibility of dying alone) these ninjas will give you terrible stank face and mumble some bs to you. They are a mess.
PS, its not like the ww they date are better either. they can be fat, broke, with several kids, methed out and on welfare...
I recently moved from the east coast to NV and while I don't regret it (good job, COL is so much better - especially real estate), the IR dating out here is so over the top. I literally feel ignored by black men out here; like they literally look past me, not even a second glance let alone a cat call. Although I feel like it shouldn't, it really bothers me.That still bothers me to this day and that happened within the first few months of us being out here. I've never experienced anything like this on the east coast. I don't wanna go back east but I'm thinking TX might be a good next move bc I don't think I can take it, y'all...
ETA: And I can't say I wasn't forewarned bc @DarkJoy is always warning us about Cali and just about everybody in NV is from Cali so it would make sense that nonsense spills out over here and I'm pretty sure @PretteePlease warned me about living out here too... Word of caution: listen to the ladies on here!
ItsMeLilLucky
NotLucky no mo' just blessed.
Are you me?
sgold04
Well-Known Member
@DarkJoy @JustifiablyMe I honestly blame my residual self-esteem issues on growing up in Cali. To be clear, I did not grow up in a Black community, so maybe I'd feel differently if I grew up in Ladera, or Leimert, or Baldwin Hills etc etc. I grew up with a lot of Mexicans, a large proportion of Asians (Filipino and Vietnamese especially), and a sprinkling of Black folks, and like 3 white people lol. A conservative estimate of Black men I went to high school with is about 90% of them married other. Because I was not a mixxxxed Black girl, I got no love. Went to undergrad in Atl and things changed, but it's hard to shake 18 years of feeling you are unattractive, no matter how often I'm told I'm beautiful. It's like on one level, I know I'm a bad chick (hehe) by the way men AND women respond to me when I walk into a room, but deep down I can't shake this ugly duckling feeling.
**excuse my grammar and syntax, I tend to just write stream of consciousness when I'm on lhcf, cuz I'm lazy.
**excuse my grammar and syntax, I tend to just write stream of consciousness when I'm on lhcf, cuz I'm lazy.
So how do you deal with your relationship/dating anxiety?
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
ItsMeLilLucky
NotLucky no mo' just blessed.
My friend is a really good sounding board. I tell her stuff and she tells me if I'm being too crazy. She tells me to stay in my happy place, but I think the real key is thoughts+actions+words=reality
You are what you think lol
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
Yes! The larger metro areas in Texas are some of the few southern-ish cities where you can still find single men over 30-- from all corners of the globe. You can meet plenty of men there, but it is alpha central and you have to be a true Spartan to get any of those fools to focus. I ran my behind down there from the land of betas thinking I was hot stuff because I played so many men back home, and I got crushed!
I'm still trying to recover. Keep your standards ridiculously high down there because Texas is full of OG players and the women I saw winning were the textbook, high-maintenance boss b's. Nice girls finish last in Texas. No joke.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
hmmm... where and when certainly makes a diff on the self esteem. i was raised in almost all black oakland in the 70s and 80s. its a 180 from today. the bm change towards bw in cali started in the 90s (on a mass and cold and obvious scale) after the last black "revolution" in the late 80s. Why i feel sooooooooo bad for black millenial women today out here. they never experienced being wanted by their own like that. its so bad now even the mixed women are getting passed over by bm for just straight up ww. smh.
so... its not you!!! never was! you are and have always been worthy. *** those low lifes who made you feel less than!!! may they forever be lonely and ill at ease
hmph
so... its not you!!! never was! you are and have always been worthy. *** those low lifes who made you feel less than!!! may they forever be lonely and ill at ease
hmph
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JustifiablyMe
Well-Known Member
Girl...not even my light-skinned privilege is working
They don't want black anything out here smh.
UniquelyDivine
Well-Known Member
Yes! The larger metro areas in Texas are some of the few southern-ish cities where you can still find single men over 30-- from all corners of the globe. You can meet plenty of men there, but it is alpha central and you have to be a true Spartan to get any of those fools to focus. I ran my behind down there from the land of betas thinking I was hot stuff because I played so many men back home, and I got crushed!
So are saying Texas is basically full of man heaux? Makes sense
Every dude I know from Texas is a TRIP but I came from the land of betas too 
every dude I've met so far has been a transfer to Texas though, I'm going to need to rework my strategy.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
hmmm... where and when certainly makes a diff on the self esteem. i was raised in almost all black oakland in the 70s and 80s. its a 180 from today. the bm change towards bw in cali started in the 90s (on a mass and cold and obvious scale) after the last black "revolution" in the late 80s. Why i feel sooooooooo bad for black millenial women today out here. they never experienced being wanted by their own like that. its so bad now even the mixed women are getting passed over by bm for just straight up ww. smh.
so... its not you!!! never was! you are and have always been worthy. *** those low lifes who made you feel less than!!! may they forever be lonely and ill at ease
hmph
Thanks sis
I'm working on it. I'm confident in every other area except for that one. I don't project insecurity because I have done a lot of work, but it comes out when a man enters my life. When I went to atl for school, I met a wide range of Black girls with boyfriends and confidence and sass...I felt robbed in many ways. I'm technically in the millennial category, but I don't claim it. I remember an analog world. My dad's generation all married BW for the most part, but once I came of age that tradition shifted.
UniquelyDivine
Well-Known Member
Pepe Le Phew is on my head about hanging out again but that breath and that incessant talking was a turn off.
I had to flick spittle off my face more than once because his nonstop chattering had spit flying everywhere.
I had to flick spittle off my face more than once because his nonstop chattering had spit flying everywhere.
NinaShamone
N’Jadaka Baby Mama
Always~Wear~Joy
Well-Known Member
I agree with the recent comments in here regarding location. I had to work a few months of 2016 in San Francisco and while I truly looove the city, it was not ideal for me if I wanted to meet black men.
UniquelyDivine
Well-Known Member
Chile...scarred me for life, that breath was downright disrespectful.
shespoison
Well-Known Member
I went on 12 dates with 7 different guys this month....and there's still more month left.
They were all decent but only 1 maybe 2 I have any real interest in.
They were all decent but only 1 maybe 2 I have any real interest in.
Well damn! Look at you!
shespoison
Well-Known Member
Well there has to be some perks for checking out events 6 days a week.
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