Yea, this is long...
So last night I started reading this book-- well audio book, and I woke up with a smile on my face.
No, I'm not suggesting everyone go out and buy it. We've all purchased enough books. But for me, this book is exactly what I was looking for so just want to share my take on it.
It's called It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single
It doesn't tell you what you need to do to get a man, it doesn't talk about Law of Attraction, it doesn't suggest that you completely forget about love and spend thousands of dollars trying to keep up the facade of being a fabulous single woman ala SATC (it actually somewhat condemns this), it doesn't tell you to settle, or to stop looking and just let the universe take over, in fact, it isn't a relationship book at all. It really gives no relationship advice-- it just presents facts and provides ways to re-frame single hood after 30.
The author shares her own story, and that of other women who have dealt with being single at 35+ (most eventually found love, including the author), and presents a different take on why partnership is easier for some than others-- mainly pure luck and circumstance. She uses some psychological and sociological studies to challenge many of the reasons single women are given as to why they are still single.
It hasn't told me anything I don't know-- it is just a breath of fresh air. I love the logic and rational thought process behind it. I'm likely going to do away with many relationship books I have because I really don't need them. They've been a good source of self-improvement, but self-improvement for the sake of finding a relationship is a scam. Work on you for you. None of it guarantees anything.
Nobody is perfect, and most coupled people are no less flawed than the single crowd. If anything, as the book suggests, longtime single women represent some of the most high-quality women out there because they've spent years thriving in a career, creating a life for themselves, and picking apart every flaw in an attempt to be the perfect catch. Some are just single because it was someone else in that aisle of the grocery story with the eligible bachelor instead of them. 99% of love is pure luck. Someone who is single when they don't want to be isn't flawed, they have just been unlucky. But that could change tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Keep living.
I really enjoyed the chapter of the book about sadness and how feeling lonely as a single woman is normal. Society sends mixed messages by celebrating romance and family but then criticizing people for feeling negative emotions about their own lack of romantic love. The desire for companionship is natural. The author doesn't suggest you hide your feelings but just re-frame them. Being sad about being single and choosing to actively look for love doesn't make you pitiful or desperate. It makes you human. Just see the feeling of loneliness for what it is, and experience it, but don't add on to it feelings of guilt or self-loathing. That is what takes it to a dark place.
What many relationship books, articles, and gurus miss is the ability to explain why relationships still happen for the hundreds of thousands of people out there who have done no real self work-- and often times these relationships are still successful. Barring deep set issues like very low self-esteem, crippling mood disorders, or intimacy issues, there are no quirks or flaws that disqualify any single person from a relationship. The married crowd have no secret, they just have had luck in that department. And as the author suggests, until your married peeps are hitting the longtime, 20+ year married mark like our parents and grandparents, their success is still up in the air as well.
Some struck while the iron was hot in their teens and twenties. Others took a chance on rocky relationships that just so happened to improve once they both matured. Others are extreme extroverts and just knew a lot of the right people so the odds were in their favor. Some had supportive friends and family who introduced them to their spouse. And of course, in some cases, it was them instead of you at that concert, in that aisle, in that seat in lecture hall, at the park that morning, etc... As you get older the number of available partners decreases, and your standards get higher, so it takes a little more luck to happen upon the special one. It's musical chairs, and depending on where you are in your life, it might take time for things to realign in your favor-- folks to re-enter the market for example. That's life, and sometimes it is unfair, but there isn't anything wrong with you.
I'm in the last 2 chapters and will probably listen through it again while at work (it is only 4 hours). I feel at peace and like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I can let go and just be me. I don't need to fight the loneliness. It comes about once a month, I deal with it, and I feel great for the next 30 days. All of these other books and advice seem empowering in the beginning, but over time I start to feel like something is wrong with me when future boo still doesn't show up. It makes it seem like everyone else I know is part of a special club or has some secret power because they've found love without the aid of books or classes.
It isn't a feel good book but it works for my rational mind.
Just thought I'd share.
don't give up. perhaps it's time for a break.
