*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

My ex from high school is in town & he's been texting me for the past month like "I'll be in town" We haven't had contact in forever I've been out of high school 10 years now lol. I can't even remember him in that way. But I agreed to hang, dating is getting slow this way lol.
 
qchelle said:
:lachen: I wonder which part he was lying about.

Is Lee still trying to win you back?
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lol exactly.
He probably wasn't even lying though... I was just asking too many questions for his comfort level, especially when I kept talking business and he was trying to romance. I make it a point to get men on the defensive when asking questions because I want to see how they react. This makes the fourth time I was hung up on. Doesn't hurt my feelings, just shocks me because the men don't take control of the conversation. P@$$& like...
While I have a very colorful past if someone asks me a question, I answer it. If it makes me uncomfortable, I tell them and redirect the conversation. If they continue to steer the conversation in a direction I don't like after I already told them THEN I hang up.

Which was one of the reasons I liked Lee so much. You could see the defensive response on his face but he always answered my questions and reflected on them. He knew I wasn't judging him, I was just outright curious. That is also why I was disappointed that he wasn't so upfront with me when he started having feelings...

Lee has other stuff going on right now. I told him last week that we are just in two different spaces. He tried reaching out after that but I have been ignoring him. He would hang on if I let him. Now it's radio silence. I miss him but this is necessary. He needs to tend to his dad and figure out what his life is going to be like. If he wants me and my son in it- he has to do a lot more than he has already.
 
I got a text yesterday from someone I used to know. . .

Backstory : we first met 2014. He was going through a transitional period wasn't really looking for anything so nothing really came of it. I was in and out of relationships (I believe...who really keeps track). We reconnect summer of last year go on a few dates, but I was seeing someone else and he wanted me to choose between them. I choose him, feel like he's not giving me enough attention, I get in a relationship with someone else. We don't talk again until the summer of this year when I'm going through some tragedy. We talk off and on for a couple months he disappears (lost my number he says...was in a relationship I know).

So now he's back from the dead like I knew he would be. I purposely left him unblocked. He's still interested, but I'm feeling like this hot and cold / off and on stuff isn't for me anymore.

He's fine as the day as long with a good job, but he has a son and I'm not sure if he ready to give me all the attention and time I require plus our history is making me side eye him hard.
 
movingforward13 said:
lol exactly.
He probably wasn't even lying though... I was just asking too many questions for his comfort level, especially when I kept talking business and he was trying to romance. I make it a point to get men on the defensive when asking questions because I want to see how they react. This makes the fourth time I was hung up on. Doesn't hurt my feelings, just shocks me because the men don't take control of the conversation. P@$$& like...
While I have a very colorful past if someone asks me a question, I answer it. If it makes me uncomfortable, I tell them and redirect the conversation. If they continue to steer the conversation in a direction I don't like after I already told them THEN I hang up.
- he has to do a lot more than he has already.
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This sounds off putting...I'd hang up on you too because its unnecessarily manipulative.

There's a way to test people/men without purposely putting them on the defense. What's this tactic really about?
 
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W resurfaced....
Got a text today. Something happened and they are docked in Greece for the next five days. I was one of the first people he hit up...
We had a brief conversation and afterward he texted me:
"I enjoyed talking with you... I just wanted to say that. Sometimes I think I do not really reflect my emotions accurately. But because just wanted to tell you that though."

W is 37, no kids, went in the Navy after high school. We met back in 2005- dated for a bit but he was active duty Navy and eventually left my state. We kept in touch over the last 10 plus years but I finally let him have it back in early 2015 when I told him I was tired of his games. Here is another one claiming he wants a wife but plays games.... He acts like he is interested, then when you reciprocate, he goes cold. I was hoping 10 years made him grow up but I had to cuss him out instead. Then I stopped contact.

Didn't have speak again until he asked to see me a few weeks ago. We talked, he addressed his actions with me, apologized, and we caught up but my feelings weren't the same. Maybe it was Lee or maybe I just wasn't interested any more. I think I am just not interested anymore. But he is what they call a safe option.
 
keyawarren said:
This sounds off putting...I'd hang up on you too because its unnecessarily manipulative.

There's a way to test people/men without purposely putting them on the defense defense. What's this tactic really about?
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Just my personal thing. I ask questions and if you can't handle them- then you aren't someone that needs to be in my life.
It isn't like I am asking how many people he f@cked or when he is getting his next blow job. I was asking questions about the topic HE brought up. He started getting defensive when I asked how much revenue does his NFP take in and then the job questions but yeah- he asked me to do a review. These are the sort of things professionally I am going to ask.
 
movingforward13 said:
Just my personal thing. I ask questions and if you can't handle them- then you aren't someone that needs to be in my life.
It isn't like I am asking how many people he f@cked or when he is getting his next blow job. I was asking questions about the topic HE brought up. He started getting defensive when I asked how much revenue does his NFP take in and then the job questions but yeah- he asked me to do a review. These are the sort of things professionally I am going to ask.
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It sounds like you're being difficult on purpose.

By all means, I don't mean that as a judgement (after all I'm navigating the dating world myself). That's just how it comes off.

My addition to the thread for today: He was supposed to meet me or lunch today. He was going to be 45 minutes late. I told him that's not gonna work. I rearranged my lunch hour for nuthin'. I was super annoyed. We'll see how he makes it up.
 
keyawarren said:
It sounds like you're being difficult on purpose.

By all means, I don't mean that as a judgement (after all I'm navigating the dating world myself). That's just how it comes off.
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Definitely didn't feel judged at all =)
I see your POV but that is kinda what I want.... someone who hangs up just did both of us favor and saved us time. My difficult part isn't even the questions I ask.
And with all of that, I acknowledge I am still a work in process. I want to learn how to ask questions in a less aggressive, direct manner. More playful like the book was saying to.
 
movingforward13 said:
Just my personal thing. I ask questions and if you can't handle them- then you aren't someone that needs to be in my life.
It isn't like I am asking how many people he f@cked or when he is getting his next blow job. I was asking questions about the topic HE brought up. He started getting defensive when I asked how much revenue does his NFP take in and then the job questions but yeah- he asked me to do a review. These are the sort of things professionally I am going to ask.
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But you guys met on Tinder. He wanted to date you first and also maybe throw business your way. You knew he didn't find you on Tinder to do business first. You were just messing with him because you weren't interested. I mean I don't know this guy so I don't really care about his feelings. But you might want to rethink your approach because you might miss out on a nice guy who doesn't like being interrogated. If someone was hammering away at me with too many questions I would likely say you know what this isn't going to work and move on. I think you are crossing the line to being disrespectful or antagonizing. The early stages of dating should be fun and light. Yes, you should get information and be vetting but being hung up on so much is not normal IMO.
 
hopeful said:
If someone was hammering away at me with too many questions I would likely say you know what this isn't going to work and move on. I think you are crossing the line to being disrespectful or antagonizing. The early stages of dating should be fun and light. Yes, you should get information and be vetting but being hung up on so much is not normal IMO.
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But that is what I want them to do- move on and not waste our times because this is me as a person lol.
My questioning can be intense because I like to talk and ask questions (as you can see from my novel like responses on here), but disrespectful? Nah I disagree on that one. And if someone thinks I am being disrespectful by asking questions about themselves, their past, what they do for work, etc. then clearly they are not for me.

If they get defensive about being "questioned" I feel like they got something to hide. Most people don't want to reveal themselves, especially so early on so I make it a point to get them to. But trust me- I am ok with it. Not how I would respond to someone questioning me but we are all different. I accept that =)

And 4 times isn't a lot to me. I have blocked more than 50 numbers. So after thinking about it again, I guess I will continue on how I have been. I will let y'all know if there are more hang ups lol
 
hopeful said:
But you guys met on Tinder. He wanted to date you first and also maybe throw business your way. You knew he didn't find you on Tinder to do business first. You were just messing with him because you weren't interested. I mean I don't know this guy so I don't really care about his feelings. But you might want to rethink your approach because you might miss out on a nice guy who doesn't like being interrogated. If someone was hammering away at me with too many questions I would likely say you know what this isn't going to work and move on. I think you are crossing the line to being disrespectful or antagonizing. The early stages of dating should be fun and light. Yes, you should get information and be vetting but being hung up on so much is not normal IMO.
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I'm confused as to how she was supposed to just 'know' this. Maybe I am thinking very literally, but I would've thought the same thing. If he brought up me helping him with his business, then I would feel super well within my rights to ask him questions about it. I wouldn't think that was weird at all. Why would you say something that specific ("let's do business") and then get upset when the person wants to talk business? :lol: He shouldn't have brought it up if he didn't want to talk about it?
 
qchelle said:
I'm confused as to how she was supposed to just 'know' this. Maybe I am thinking very literally, but I would've thought the same thing. If he brought up me helping him with his business, then I would feel super well within my rights to ask him questions about it. I wouldn't think that was weird at all. Why would you say something that specific ("let's do business") and then get upset when the person wants to talk business? :lol: He shouldn't have brought it up if he didn't want to talk about it?
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Ask questions yes. Being so pushy is the issue. They met on Tinder, not LinkedIn. Just giving feedback. It's not that big of a deal. If @movingforward13 is happy with the results she's getting that's all that matters.
 
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Must be cutbuddy season. I got hit up by my ONS. *shrugs* I'm still a free agent. And yet he stays all up in my snapchats.

Sweetie. If I'm doing something, and that is well within my rights, you think I would put it on snapchat? You stupid. I should put something on there and *** with him but I'm not gonna start tit for tat.

Got tickets to a NBA game for free. He said they would be wasted on him since he doesn't like basketball. Oh well. I got a plenty of guy friends who would go. He can check us out on snapchat when we go :rose::gorgeous:
 
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movingforward13 said:
I see your POV but that is kinda what I want.... someone who hangs up just did both of us favor and saved us time.
And with all of that, I acknowledge I am still a work in process. I want to learn how to ask questions in a less aggressive, direct manner. More playful like the book was saying to.
Click to expand...

You don't want to look for this. Ending things if the guys doesn't mesh with you will happen naturally.

I'm the opposite. I need to learn to be more direct. So I get you on this. I am naturally playful so I can rib a guy while getting to the nitty gritty about himself. But I'll forget to ask basic ish! :lol:


movingforward13 said:
But that is what I want them to do- move on and not waste our times because this is me as a person lol.


If they get defensive about being "questioned" I feel like they got something to hide. Most people don't want to reveal themselves, especially so early on so I make it a point to get them to. But trust me- I am ok with it. Not how I would respond to someone questioning me but we are all different. I accept that =)

And 4 times isn't a lot to me. I have blocked more than 50 numbers. So after thinking about it again, I guess I will continue on how I have been. I will let y'all know if there are more hang ups lol
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Where do we start? :lol:
You are operating from assumptions that may not be helpful. It sounds as though you are operating from past relationship wounds. If you go looking for something wrong you.will.find.it. Meanwhile you are not necessarily everyone's perfect girl either. None of us are.

Blocked more than 50 numbers...hmm. You may need to vet a little better. That's not badge worthy. You are either entertaining all the wrong men, or you are cutting off good guys in the process.


qchelle said:
I'm confused as to how she was supposed to just 'know' this. Maybe I am thinking very literally, but I would've thought the same thing. If he brought up me helping him with his business, then I would feel super well within my rights to ask him questions about it. I wouldn't think that was weird at all. Why would you say something that specific ("let's do business") and then get upset when the person wants to talk business? :lol: He shouldn't have brought it up if he didn't want to talk about it?
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Because she said he was pushing the romantical aspect. I'm gonna say it Qchelle, this is some Capricorn ish. I know because I might've been thinking the same thing (I know you are not a Cap, and y'all hate astrology...but this is exactly why people get frustrated with me/us).

When he said let's do business, he might've been making conversation/flirting. We take things too seriously or it goes over our heads :lol:. It was a relatable topic so he went with it. When he tried to switch back to the romantic convo she should have followed his lead.
 
keyawarren said:
You don't want to look for this. Ending things if the guys doesn't mesh with you will happen naturally.

I'm the opposite. I need to learn to be more direct. So I get you on this. I am naturally playful so I can rib a guy while getting to the nitty gritty about himself. But I'll forget to ask basic ish! :lol:




Where do we start? :lol:
You are operating from assumptions that may not be helpful. It sounds as though you are operating from past relationship wounds. If you go looking for something wrong you.will.find.it. Meanwhile you are not necessarily everyone's perfect girl either. None of us are.

Blocked more than 50 numbers...hmm. You may need to vet a little better. That's not badge worthy. You are either entertaining all the wrong men, or you are cutting off good guys in the process.




Because she said he was pushing the romantical aspect. I'm gonna say it Qchelle, this is some Capricorn ish. I know because I might've been thinking the same thing (I know you are not a Cap, and y'all hate astrology...but this is exactly why people get frustrated with me/us).

When he said let's do business, he might've been making conversation/flirting. We take things too seriously or it goes over our heads :lol:. It was a relatable topic so he went with it. When he tried to switch back to the romantic convo she should have followed his lead.
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I see. I understand what you're saying. he found a common interest and commented on it, not really wanting to stay on that topic...just as a conversation piece. I get that. howeverrrr as a business owner who was also on a date, once he said that, I would've went into money making mode. you want me to take your money and establish a connect for my business? I'm not caring about romance anymore, at that moment. My business would've taken precedence in my mind.

But again, I completely understand what you're saying! that's just not me.
 
toaster said:
@movingforward13

Do you think your actions are a result of what happened with Lee? Based on your posts you opened yourself up to him and let him in your home and with your son before you really knew what was happening with him. So now you're trying to "vet" everyone before they can get close to you and hurt you again?
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I agree.

Also if your mode of vetting leads to several people hanging up on you and dozens of blocked numbers, I say reconsider your process and which men you are choosing in the first place.

I can't even remember the last time that someone purposely hung up on me. Does not compute.

You may not believe us but your description of these interactions sounds antagonizing and manipulative to your detriment tbh. Sounds like an interrogation. Forget the one about business for now and look at the other ones. There are ways to get information from people yet remain polite and pleasant, and even flirty if you want. You can apply thst in all types of interactions not just dating.

Ask some male family members or friends that you trust, see what they say.
 
toaster said:
@movingforward13

Do you think your actions are a result of what happened with Lee? Based on your posts you opened yourself up to him and let him in your home and with your son before you really knew what was happening with him. So now you're trying to "vet" everyone before they can get close to you and hurt you again?
Click to expand...

I agree :yep:.

Sometimes when we are really hurt it is normal and natural to toughen up and have higher boundaries. The problem with having boundaries that are too high is you might either attract a wimpy man or a very powerful, manipulative man who will enjoy the challenge of knocking down those boundaries. The trick is to find just the right balance. High enough to keep out crazy people and abusers, low enough to let in good people. In the end you have to trust yourself, your intuition, and your ability to make good choices. It's hard so I get being really tough, I do.
 
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My love life is dead in the water y'all...phone so dry it almost caught on fire but I'm kind of ok with it. After the whole stalker thing I'm cool on dudes, I just don't care to meet new ones right now & after I changed my number I realized there were a lot of dudes that I didn't care to give my new # to.

I still get play from young buck from time to time but he's too inconsistent among other things. Can't wait to get out of here!
 
I cannot remember that last time I was approached in public. I know people who get approached all the time. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I see men looking, but they just don't say anything. And no, I'm not going to play eye **** with men in the street. The last thing I need is for him to get the wrong idea.

It saddens me when I go out with friends and every one but me gets hit on. I KNOW I'm not ugly. So what is it? Am I too plain looking?

Online, only men with kids seem to hit me up. I know my pics suck but I rarely go out so I don't get to take better ones.

/rant.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
I cannot remember that last time I was approached in public. I know people who get approached all the time. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I see men looking, but they just don't say anything. And no, I'm not going to play eye **** with men in the street. The last thing I need is for him to get the wrong idea.

It saddens me when I go out with friends and every one but me gets hit on. I KNOW I'm not ugly. So what is it? Am I too plain looking?

Online, only men with kids seem to hit me up. I know my pics suck but I rarely go out so I don't get to take better ones.

/rant.
Click to expand...

Do you look approachable? I have some mean af looking friends and I find they don't get approached as often. I don't play eye **** with men, but if I meet eyes with a guy I think is attractive I'll usually smile demurely and that usually works.

On another note, I realize I have my guard up and no one is going to be good enough in my eyes right now. I feel like I need to get serious. I'm not getting younger. On the other hand, I can't really be bothered.
 
movingforward13 said:
And 4 times isn't a lot to me. I have blocked more than 50 numbers. So after thinking about it again, I guess I will continue on how I have been. I will let y'all know if there are more hang ups lol
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I should have been more clear- these 4 hangups have been since I re-entered dating in 2013. So I am talking a span of almost 4 years come January.
keyawarren said:
If you go looking for something wrong you.will.find.it. Meanwhile you are not necessarily everyone's perfect girl either. None of us are.
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Well I disagree. If there is nothing to be found, I won't find it.
But either way, I know no one is perfect. As I said before, I have a very COLORFUL past. The difference between me and most people is that I am transparent and answer any question asked with minimum defense. That is what I am looking for- a guy that does the same. So I am ok with letting everyone go.

keyawarren said:
Blocked more than 50 numbers...hmm. You may need to vet a little better. That's not badge worthy. You are either entertaining all the wrong men, or you are cutting off good guys in the process.
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I wasn't using it as a badge or badge worthy. I was merely explaining the difference between 4 hang ups versus 50+ blocks. I vet guys on the basics- there is only so much I can do online, writing back and forth. Then at some point you have to get on the phone and have a conversation. From there I determine what I want to do. Most people get the block- why, because after I determine you are in the no where category, I don't want to hear from you again, nor want to explain why I don't want to hear from you again. Blocking is simpler for me.

And as I said before I acknowledge I am a work in process. That is why I am still dating and not married yet- still figuring out what works for ME

:)
keyawarren said:
Because she said he was pushing the romantical aspect.
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I knew what he wanted, but after I got on the phone with him I knew it wouldn't go farther. But I am not going to pass up bu$iness if possible.

toaster said:
@movingforward13

Do you think your actions are a result of what happened with Lee? Based on your posts you opened yourself up to him and let him in your home and with your son before you really knew what was happening with him. So now you're trying to "vet" everyone before they can get close to you and hurt you again?
Click to expand...
Not really- I been this way long before Lee.

Lee actually went through his own vetting but I realized I didn't ask the questions in the right way with him. Lee told me a week after talking that he thought I was extremely intense but the conversation was so interesting and that is why he stuck around. Now he won't leave (he contacted me again and wants to talk after Thansgiving).

I have been told before I am very tough from a professional stand point and dating. I don't want a weak man around me. But I have realized I am an acquired taste- I am not for everyone and that is why I say I don't mind if good guys are getting pushed away, etc. They probably weren't good for me and the type of woman I am. This isn't a personal dig on anyone, I am just recognizing myself, who I am, and my personal limits.

Hope that explains it all :)
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
I cannot remember that last time I was approached in public. I know people who get approached all the time. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I see men looking, but they just don't say anything. And no, I'm not going to play eye **** with men in the street. The last thing I need is for him to get the wrong idea.

It saddens me when I go out with friends and every one but me gets hit on. I KNOW I'm not ugly. So what is it? Am I too plain looking?

Online, only men with kids seem to hit me up. I know my pics suck but I rarely go out so I don't get to take better ones.

/rant.
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This sounds silly I know but what do you look like? :lol: I dont mean post pics but what do you look like when you go out? It seems you are social so I doubt you are going out looking like Plain Patty. I hate that it comes to this but are you in shape? IME I can say that directly affects it which is annoying but I get it.
 
W called me yesterday- they are about to go back under so I won't hear from him again until Christmas time.

His father died. I guess he was feeling sentimental- he called me to say thank you. He appreciates how hard I have been on him, holding him accountable and he has been doing lots of thinking about how much he let me down over the years. He apologized. Very emotional conversation. He brought up some of our past and thanked me for being me period. He asked if we can do dinner when he gets back because he has a lot more to say but he feels it should be done in person.
I am wary. I agreed to dinner... and I will leave it at that. The apology I never expected but even more- he really seemed to own his actions.

Lee also got in contact with me after this short contact hiatus. Our conversation left me wondering and second guessing some of my decisions. I have lots of time to think- no work til next Wednesday. But I have a feeling 2017 is going to bring a big change for me relationship wise.
 
Random single girl thoughts and happenings lately:

  • My dm's have been pretty lively lately, from FB to insta and surprisingly Linkedin. I'm not overly active on Linkedin, and my pic is professional (wearing a blazer). There is this local engineer, that I have met once in person, that is pretty persistently asking me out, I like the attention but he's not what I'm looking for. There is also an accountant but he lives quite a distance away.

  • I've been in contact with Mr. Tenderoni from the summer. It's been 4 months since I had seen or spoken to him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this. He is so fine though, so so so fine! He is absolutely NOT boyfriend material, I have no illusions about that lol.

  • I went to a formal event 2 weekends ago and saw this third year student that is physically everything I like, plus has a great CV to match (very tall, dark, handsome, fit, well-educated etc.) We have never really been officially introduced but attended the same meeting about 6 weeks ago. He unfortunately has a history of dating white women-- upon learning that I immediately paid him no mind. Anyway, I was feeling myself at the formal, dancing with the my platonic male friend. Mr. Handsome cuts in and starts grinding on me, then turns around to hug me and says, "it's really nice seeing you out." Crush, back on lol.

  • I met another guy over the summer, he's Nigerian and an Engineer in another city. He wants to visit my city and go out during his vacation in December. Again I'm a little torn because he's not boyfriend material. He's very handsome and his Naija+British accent and deep voice make me weak. It might be fun just to be wined and dined for a few days, as I've been dateless basically since school started.

  • Finally, I'm beginning to realize that there are more options for educated black men in my city than I thought. I've made some new Black girl friends lately and now I'm meeting their friends... it's been good.
 
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