*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

I’m thinking about making me a small bar my living room. I’m really enjoying making a drink, watching a movie and nibbling on a snack at home.
 
Bette Davis Eyes said:
I look like Winnie the Pooh in crop tops. @Evolving78 I just don’t understand the allure but then again I have a stomach so maybe that’s it.
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I understand how you feel. I've gained some weight and i've been feeling down about it. Even now, it's almost summer and i'm here walking around in oversized hoodies and leggings. smh. Trying my hardest to cover up and hide

:cry::cry::cry:
 
CoiledOrchids said:
I understand how you feel. I've gained some weight and i've been feeling down about it. Even now, it's almost summer and i'm here walking around in oversized hoodies and leggings. smh. Trying my hardest to cover up and hide

:cry::cry::cry:
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Oh they gone get whatever body I got. I just can’t rock crop tops lololol. My lower pudge is like heyyyyyyyyyy. Wear what makes you comfortable and feel good.
 
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I get it that the relationship was on and off for 9 years but chile , let it go. It’s not even memories popping up for a reason to say something.


Why won’t you block him? I think you get off on the fact that he still reaches out to you ?
Why do you keep posting about him “subliminally” knowing he is still on your Facebook ?

I know I can’t tell anyone to move on. Memories are memories but I’m about tired of my cousin. Block the nacker.
 
a time was had at pride today!

art festival next weekend. Can't wait to check out some local art and eat good food

3 more weeks of work before the short break. Then it's off to work summer school:twocents::boredwrk:
 
Plushottie said:
@Bette Davis Eyes you shared I think in the career thread about some pmp prep YouTube video I didn’t think I could love you more but here we are. I like his flow and breaks it down so nicely. If I can get money to try for the cert I may really think about this deeply. I had given up on it because my mind isn’t here for the puffy stuff.
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Why did my eyes first read that as pimp prep. I was like dang @Plushottie you headed in a whole different direction and certified too. Back to my corner to get my reading glasses.
 
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I thought this was a good relationship read:

Older Married Adults Are Revealing The "Marriage Myths" That More People Should Talk About, And It's Thought-Provoking



1."We were 20 when we got married and have been married for 48 years. It has its ups and downs, just like any relationship. It takes work. It takes compromise and love. ... My advice before getting married: Don't believe you can change your spouse. You don't have magical powers to change someone, so either love them as they are or don't get married."

"Yes, some of my spouse's habits that I find annoying — he's a 'pack rat' for one — he has tried to improve. And I will try to work on those that annoy him. But we are who we are, and our ingrained habits aren't going to change for anyone."

—wylyjoan

2."When it comes to opposites attract, I believe it's really surface only — the parts that too many people care about, funnily enough. My husband and I have many of the same CORE values, such as religion, political views, money, communication, etc. Where we differ is so silly, it doesn't matter."

"You look at us together, and you'd swear we are not married based on looks alone. We love different hobbies and have some different food preferences. Still, we've also grown together with some things, and our interests have kept us talking about different things, so it's never boring. You don't have to be two peas in a pod, but you also don't have to be chalk and cheese. Like damn near everything in life, there is a balance. Some similar people work, like my best friend and her man. Some polar opposites work. Regardless, you must keep thriving as individuals and have your own things but still come together at the end."

—morgan_le_slay

3."The people who say it should always be 100% from both partners. I am going through health issues, and my spouse is feeling run down. We are in survival mode right now, and in better times, we still put our energy in multiple places. The point of marriage is to be the main source of support and happiness, not the sole source."

—42 Indiana


4."People say you have to work hard at marriage, but the truth is that if you have to work 'hard' at it, your marriage will not last. A happy marriage goes on day by day, with both parties acting like a team. You wouldn't make an unfair life for your teammate; you don't cheat on your teammate or lie. Every decision becomes about the team's needs, not just yourself."

"If your marriage feels like hard work, you won't want to be in it. You will inevitably want out if there are no rewards — only a long, slow, resentful slog."

—62, Illinois

5."I married my best friend and lover. I expected those feelings to last forever. It's only been 56 years, and I don't see any change except getting older. Perhaps the myth, for us, is that marriages become dull and stale after many years."

—77, Canada


6."Sex doesn’t just happen. Schedule time for sex. Morning. Evening. Nooner. Whatever works for you, your partner, and your schedules. Otherwise, you can look over the dinner table and think 'when was the last time we…?' and neither of you will remember."

"Sex does not have to end in mutual orgasms. Sometimes it’s about them. Sometimes you. Enjoy it either way — without keeping score."

—49, Virginia

7."Once married, you don't both go off and live your lives. Relatives come into the picture and make life complicated."

—68, Canada


8."Belief: I believed marriage meant that we had each other's best interests at heart as a couple. Truth: Individuals have their own interests at heart, without fail."

—61, USA

9."I knew marriage wasn't all fun and games and that it was more than a ring with a shared living space. What I learned is that it takes communication, honesty, and willingness not to be embarrassed to share yourself and/or how you feel about something with your spouse. Marriage also needs a strong understanding and relationship with yourself to prepare for this lifetime commitment."

"To escape my abusive father, I met a guy at 20 and moved in with him after two weeks of dating. Because of how angry I was at him for the abuse and my siblings for not protecting me, I alienated everyone while our father convinced me I was unwanted by the family due to being neurodivergent. I cheated on my boyfriend, stole his money, and gave him even lower self-esteem. In 2004, we got married, and I don't even know my wedding date. After our wedding day, I realized I wasn't in love with him, and I married him for a place to live. After nearly thirty years together, we separated in 2021. I moved out, but we see each other twice a week. We have yet to sign the divorce papers, and I don't think we ever will. I do love my husband but can't live in the same house with him largely because I'm still discovering who I am and building a relationship with myself."

—51, Chicago


10."Two wonderful people can be absolutely awful together, so never confuse battling the world together with battling each other just because of who you each are alone. The difference will make or break you, them, and the marriage itself."

—52, Texas

11."You grow up seeing your parents' marriage as 'normal,' and that's your expectation for your marriage. But your spouse's 'normal' may be completely different. Your marriage isn't going to look like either set of parents or anyone else's. Your marriage will be what you and your spouse build."

"A sense of humor, allowing each other to be who you are, encouraging each other's goals, supporting each other's down times, loving the other person even when you don't like them at that given moment has gotten us to 48 years of marriage. And I love him more than ever, even when he aggravates me."

—65, Illinois


12."Throw out the idea of 'unconditional love.' Of course, love comes with conditions: respect, gentleness, empathy, partnership, kindness. Expecting a partner to endure abuse because love is 'unconditional' is the quick road to divorce."

—42, Florida

13."Communication is not important? No, good communication is essential! If your spouse is upset and you ask them, 'What's wrong?' and they say, 'I don't want to talk about it, just leave me alone, and I'll be fine.' [In reality,] whatever they're upset about can brew inside of them and cause resentment."

—67, California


14."Myth: That love solves every problem, and that marriage means you'll always agree and spend all your time together. Reality: Love and marriage require work and honest communication. There are two individuals in a marriage, and both have to commit to sharing the ups and downs of life."

"I was married 42 years before my husband passed. They weren't always rainbows and butterflies, but we got through them together as equals, with shared interests and individual pursuits."

—65, Texas

15."Neither marriage nor divorce are the heaven or hell they are believed or portrayed as. We have been married for 45 years. But are headed for divorce this year. Yeah, wild, I know. We still love and respect each other, and the process is civil and respectful, although painful at times and, at other times, liberating. But each of us has come to realize that in our old age (age 75), we are each growing in ways that have different needs, social groups, and spending priorities."

"We don't know what our relationship will be going forward, but we realize that since we have known each other for nearly 50 years, we will have some relationship that is yet to be determined. We each continue to do our best, which is the decision for this chapter of our life."

—75, Republic of Panama


16."We've been married 22 years. When I was younger, I thought falling in love was the goal. It turns out that love isn't something you fall into and then fall out of. It's something you build. You start with a strong foundation and then keep building."

—50, Arizona,

And finally...

17."'Don't go to sleep mad at each other' is the worst advice I ever got. Just be adults and talk about it when you're ready. If you or your partner are not ready, provide them the space, respect their temporary privacy, and let them approach you. Just let them know that you're ready to hear them when they're ready to talk."

"Most of the time, it's nothing you did, but keeping your partner awake just causes them to be mad at you."

—42, Chicago


The conversation was in response to this Buzzfeed article below that I also thought was good::

Older Married Adults Revealed The "Marriage Myths" That More People Should Know, And It's Eye-Opening


1. "I’ve been married almost 50 years. The most common misconception about long-time married couples is that it stops being 'work.' Never, ever take your partner for granted."​

—fluffyjester63


2. "That having sex with the same person for the rest of your life will become 'boring.' Yes, libidos will change as you age, but that’s the same for everyone regardless of their marital status. If you enjoy sex with your spouse at the start of your relationship (and I hope you do), then you’ll enjoy it throughout your marriage!"​

"Couples who complain that they have a sex problem later in life are usually covering up a much larger problem that they aren’t willing to address."
—messyjaguar21


3. "That love conquers all. It doesn’t. You need to actually treat each other well to maintain a healthy relationship, and some misdeeds will (or should) break the relationship beyond repair — for example, abuse or infidelity. Also, you don’t 'just know' when you meet the right person."​

"That is a fantasy perpetuated by the movies. You should actually get to know someone before marrying them, and it’s also okay to have some doubts before you go through with it (that is, being uncertain about what the future will hold, not ignoring red flags!). You can never know exactly what will happen, but you can make informed decisions that improve your chance of success."
—40, Canada



4. "Been married for 33 years, together for 35. The most common misconception about marriage, I believe, is that marriage should be 50/50. There are times that I carry his weight and there are times he carries mine. I hate picking up dog poop and other bodily functions of our dogs, so he deals with that."​

"He dislikes cleaning the bathrooms, so I do that. He cooks, and I do dishes. Find your strengths in your relationship."
—awkwardcake76


5. "That getting married to your first love at 18 will 'never' work out — 23 years later married to my first love at 18 (through so there were many ups and downs). I still love that SOB as much as that lost 17-year-old girl did. This life has been about cultivating a friendship between lovers who actually like each other. Nothing can come between best friends who have sex regularly. I would not go back and do anything different."​

"The journey through hell and back has been half the fun. You have to understand that the good times would not be possible without the bad times. Bad times don't include serial cheaters, abusers, or habitual deceivers. Please get out of these situations as fast as you can. You deserve more."
—41, Louisiana



6. "That marriage changes your relationship. Your relationship is your relationship, whether you put a ring on it or not. Signing a paper doesn't change who you are."​

—norobotsmag


7. "Maybe not in all cases… but the idea that ‘opposites attract.’ I know someone who married a woman who had nearly none of the same interests as him, and I honestly felt kinda bad for him. He loved being active, doing races, and just going out or hanging with friends; she was a complete homebody and didn’t even have an interest in trying things (even once!) just for him. I’m sure his social life went down a lot, and he’s missed out on some things because she won’t do it. I know sometimes the whole ‘opposites attract’ may work, but if they don’t share at least some of your interests — [or won't try some of the things you're interested in] — it’ll probably make for a lot of arguments and compromising all the time."​

"My husband and I have so many shared interests, and it makes for a ton of genuinely fun times that we get to spend together doing things we both like. Find someone who likes doing the same things as you or at least has some interest in it who won’t cramp on what you want to do! (Yes, I get that you can also do those things without your spouse, but if you have no shared interests, you’d be doing nearly everything without them). Spending all that ‘fun’ time apart? That doesn’t make for a very happy marriage!"
—ellave

8. "I had a cousin ask me once about marriage when she got engaged. She was saying 'I know that marriage is going to be really hard,' and I was like, 'It never has been for me.' Communicate, understand, be willing to not always be the one who 'wins.'"​

—robert_dunder
"Marriage isn't hard if you're not an a-hole. Step one: Listen to your partner. Step two: Let your ego go. Step three: Talk."
—mdunston0822



9. "Go to bed mad sometimes. I think not going to bed angry is well-meant advice and was probably created with the idea of not letting anger fester into grudges, but people take it way too literally. So much of the time, you’re fighting at least partially because you’re both exhausted."​

"Everything is easier to resolve after a good night’s sleep."
—melc40e454224
"'Never go to bed angry.' Big Myth. Heard this at my wedding. As a therapist, together with my partner for 20 years, it’s better advice to know when to take a break when angry. Sometimes that means you can hash it out before bed. Sometimes that means taking space and resuming a chat when cooler heads can prevail. The art is knowing when to do this AND not getting stuck in the same fight over and over again. "
—38, Maryland




10. "The level of passion is not a good indicator of a successful marriage. I married for passion the first time, and it was awful. I married someone I liked and respected the second time and who returned those feelings. We’ve lasted 25 years so far, and our love has only grown deeper. I still like and respect him!"​

—57, Oregon

11. "People say, 'You’re not the person I married! You changed!' like it’s a bad thing or they didn’t expect that to happen. The truth is, we all change throughout our lives. The person you marry at 30 is not the same person you will be married to at 40, 50, 60, etc. Life happens, and people evolve. To expect your spouse to never change is unrealistic. Before you get married, just know that you will both change several times over the years."​

—42, Kentucky


12. "I thought falling in love and getting married meant never disagreeing or having differences of opinions (fights) with your spouse. After three months, I went home crying to my mom saying, 'He’s so mean. You guys never fought.' She said, 'We fought; we just did so in private.' So, 43 years later, I have an amazing relationship with my husband filled with lots of love and friendship."​

"My only advice is to pay attention to and adjust to your partner's needs. If both are looking out for the other, then no one’s needs go unmet ;-)."
—67, California

13. "I have been married for 20 years. Those who say there is no need for premarital counseling are wrong. There is. Premarital marital counseling gives the couple a chance in a neutral environment to discuss all the issues that will come up in a marriage: finances, spending habits, family plans, career plans, and more. My husband and I discussed issues I never imagined would matter that did. We also learned techniques to communicate better as we have very different styles."​

"To this day we quote, 'Dr. Bill said so,' when we are having an argument. We learned he needs space to calm down, and I want to keep on going. During counseling, we learned how to merge our styles. It has saved our marriage many times over."
—45, Virginia

14. "That the point of marriage was to make me happy. The point of marriage is to make me a better person by learning to sacrifice, communicate better, apologize quicker, and learn to support my wife in her pursuit of happiness (and thereby know how to better serve and support others in my life). The truth is that those things do actually make me happy — just not in the way I thought. Happiness is not the goal anymore, but it is a byproduct of a safe marriage that is forgiving when I do make a mistake."​

—41, Kentucky
"My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Over the years, we’ve witnessed several of our friends’ marriages fail where one or the other claimed their spouse just didn’t make them 'happy.' Happiness is a feeling, like any other feeling, and it’s not up to your spouse to make you happy. Typically when my husband or I are struggling in our marriage, we first examine what our role is in the situation. Then, we approach the other person. This has developed with time and maturity, of course, but it’s more beneficial than immediately blaming the other person. There are always two sides."
—47, New Hampshire


15. "That there is a honeymoon period that inevitably ends. After 10 years of marriage, I still can never get enough of her (and I know she feels the same). I can’t wait to come home to her and hang out with her. We have kids who have added to our lives. While our lives are busier, we always put the effort to know that we are still fully in love with and attracted to each other."​

"We make sure that we help each other out whenever we can. We communicate well and are always honest. She is my everything. I can’t imagine a day without her, there is no one more beautiful than her, and no one I cherish more than her."
—35, California

16. "In the throes of young love and the early days of marriage, I held a common misconception that love was purely an emotion—a spontaneous feeling that continuously enveloped you without effort. This belief was put to the test when my wife, in those formative years, shared a perspective that initially took me aback. She revealed that her love for me was not just a feeling but a choice she made daily. I remember feeling somewhat offended, as if her love should have been an unending, effortless emotion directed towards me."​

"Fast forward two decades, enriched by the experiences of raising four children and navigating the complexities of life together, and my perspective has undergone a profound transformation. The wisdom in my wife’s words has become a guiding principle in our journey together. Love, I’ve come to understand, is far more than a mere feeling that comes and goes with the ebb and flow of emotions. It is a deliberate decision, a commitment to choose each other, day after day, regardless of the circumstances. This realization has been nothing short of revolutionary. It has equipped us with a resilient form of love, one that is capable of withstanding the inevitable ups and downs of life. By choosing to love my wife each day, I’ve discovered a depth and durability in our relationship that feelings alone could never sustain. This daily choice has become the bedrock upon which we’ve built a lasting, loving partnership."
—43, California

17. "Kids do not equate to a happy marriage on their own. In fact they can be quite the opposite. The key is to learn and understand that the path you laid out for yourselves is gone once kids are involved. Some can't get past that, and it almost hurt our marriage. The key then is to understand together that you're on a new path — but one that must also maintain the pre-kid foundations."​

"The sooner you can understand this, the sooner you can adjust to the new post-kid reality, ensuring that while you're making marital sacrifices, you're not losing sight of your life pact with your partner."
—39, Arizona

18. "That you have to do everything together — this is how my parent’s generation approached marriage, and I’ve found it’s important to have your own interests. My husband and I encourage and participate in each other’s interests as encouragement and support, but we don’t feel the need to share all of the same passions."​

"We spend a large chunk of time together but sleep separately due to sleep issues and we are happier. Sometimes, I visit family without him and that works, too. We do have common interests, and we enjoy learning more about each other and working on our common goals as we continue through life together."
—48 Minnesota

19. "That he would change after you get married. There were so many 'red flags' that I ignored and thought he would change once he was married (or grew up more). Actually, most 'red flags' have gotten worse. We've been married for over 30 years, but I still wonder at times...what was I thinking? Listen to your intuition (gut) and don't think they'll change because you are getting married."​

"Another piece of advice: Make sure you understand their family dynamic. He came from a very dysfunctional family, and this played a huge role in how he behaved in our marriage. (The dysfunction carried into our marriage, and he believed there was nothing wrong with his behavior). Even after counseling, he is reluctant to change."
—58, Iowa


20. "My wife and I have been married for 32 years. Healthy marriages are conflict-free. WRONG! Healthy marriages have open discussions about what things you are doing to annoy your spouse. Children insure [sic] a happy marriage. WRONG! Children are the number one thing spouses argue about. Work together to resolve the issues with your children. I love them dearly, but they are sometimes a pain in the butt. My advice and secret to a happy and long marriage is to have something in common with your spouse. Too many people get married, have children, and when the children leave the nest, they have nothing in common."​

"We love breweries, sports, puzzles, bourbon, and excellent restaurants (no chains!). Spend time away from your spouse occasionally. Take that weekend trip with friends to go golfing, or that weekend trip with friends to a vineyard. It's OK to not be with your spouse 24/7. Don't sweat the small things. Does he leave his socks by the bed? Does she clog the tub drain with her hair? These are small things and nothing to argue about. Let it go. Ask him to pick them up, and just clear the drain for your wife if she doesn't know how. Don't get upset about it. Final thoughts. Love each other as friends, lovers, and partners."
—53, Pennsylvania

And finally...​

21. "You have no idea what it’s going to be like. You have no idea what’s going to happen to you, how you’re going to grow and change, or what the world will throw at you. You have no idea if one of you will get seriously ill and almost die — or actually die. You have no idea if working at your relationship will work or not. I don’t say this to scare anyone off, but to warn the confident and reassure the scared."​

"It can go so many ways. If you get married, marry someone who will be ready for anything."
—katetapley



Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
 
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Evolving78 said:
I resonated with 11. When I wanted to get a professional certification and license, I had to do a power point presentation to convince my spouse at the time it was a good idea. Now I don’t have to do things like that anymore. I was having night sweats last night, and was tossing and turning. I didn’t have to worry about disturbing anyone or somebody rubbing up against me, wanting certain attention and acts from me..
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I hate that!

....but I am glad you are in a better place now.
 
The myths are funny, heart warming and warnings. I would like to see people who married older as it’s different. But I still like the knowledge.
 
I married young, married the same man twice, then married again as an older woman to a younger man.

In my case, what I learned about marriage is that you cannot make the other person your everything. That doesn't mean you can't love them deeply, but when you make them your everything, when it's all over, you're left with nothing. No identity of your own, no hopes, no dreams, no desires. Just an empty hole you need to fill but with what? Because what you want is no longer an option and you've made your identity nothing but him. And when you have to ask yourself who am it's a long, torturous road to recovery.
 
Jmartjrmd said:
I married young, married the same man twice, then married again as an older woman to a younger man.

In my case, what I learned about marriage is that you cannot make the other person your everything. That doesn't mean you can't love them deeply, but when you make them your everything, when it's all over, you're left with nothing. No identity of your own, no hopes, no dreams, no desires. Just an empty hole you need to fill but with what? Because what you want is no longer an option and you've made your identity nothing but him. And when you have to ask yourself who am it's a long, torturous road to recovery.
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I think a lot of people esp women are conditioned to not have an identity or life which is by design to keep folks controlled. At my ripe age of 95 I know no man is all and I need space. Being single basically my whole adult life minus 3 yrs I had no choice but to develop and now as it feels more that I’m chosen to never know love on my standards it’s even more gripping.
 
Whatever you do in good faith is taken in good faith. If someone abuses that , that’s on them. Not you.


Recognize it and pick yourself up and learn. Don’t stop being you though. It’s unnatural. Shine, baby and spread hope and love by simply being you.


Don’t let anyone keep your light dim. Share it with the world. We need it. I need it.


Pssst. I love you!! Yes…. You!
 
Plushottie said:
I think a lot of people esp women are conditioned to not have an identity or life which is by design to keep folks controlled. At my ripe age of 95 I know no man is all and I need space. Being single basically my whole adult life minus 3 yrs I had no choice but to develop and now as it feels more that I’m chosen to never know love on my standards it’s even more gripping.
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My feelings about Aj were moreso from me not having ever experienced true love before. He wasn't controlling or abusive at all. He was absolutely the love of my life.
Going through widowhood just gave me some self reflectons. I had an identity, hopes and dreams, a career and desires. I traveled the world and he provided me with a very comfortable life. It just was so intertwined with him that when he died I couldn't seperate me from him. It's still hard to do.
We met in college and married soon after that. We went through a whole lot together. We lost two daughters and really fell apart individually then as a couple. Death of children tears a lot of families apart and we went through it twice.
Then when he got his leukemia diagnosis I went through another grieving process even before he died aftet his failed bone martow transplant..
Much of our marriage troubles was around grief, how he handled it, and the toxic relationship I had with his mother in particular. We put in a lot of work to overcome that and we were at a good place before we knew it was likely he wasn't going to survive the cancer.. I couldn't see a life without him and i well documentedmy struggles throughout.
Of course I also had my heart attack and was at deaths door myself. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Aj.
I just think it's important to try and maintain who you are. I was a wife and mom and both of those things were stolen from me. So when I suddenly found myself alone, I couldn't honestly lookin the mirror and identity who was staring back at me.
 
Jmartjrmd said:
My feelings about Aj were moreso from me not having ever experienced true love before. He wasn't controlling or abusive at all. He was absolutely the love of my life.
Going through widowhood just gave me some self reflectons. I had an identity, hopes and dreams, a career and desires. I traveled the world and he provided me with a very comfortable life. It just was so intertwined with him that when he died I couldn't seperate me from him. It's still hard to do.
We met in college and married soon after that. We went through a whole lot together. We lost two daughters and really fell apart individually then as a couple. Death of children tears a lot of families apart and we went through it twice.
Then when he got his leukemia diagnosis I went through another grieving process even before he died aftet his failed bone martow transplant..
Much of our marriage troubles was around grief, how he handled it, and the toxic relationship I had with his mother in particular. We put in a lot of work to overcome that and we were at a good place before we knew it was likely he wasn't going to survive the cancer.. I couldn't see a life without him and i well documentedmy struggles throughout.
Of course I also had my heart attack and was at deaths door myself. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Aj.
I just think it's important to try and maintain who you are. I was a wife and mom and both of those things were stolen from me. So when I suddenly found myself alone, I couldn't honestly lookin the mirror and identity who was staring back at me.
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Yours is very different. I remember reading the thread you have in off topic and really felt so many things and so glad your still here and beautifying the world.

I think of my engagement and how I lost self completely and how many yrs it took to regain true me. Love can be redemptive if it’s true not all are blessed in this life to experience it. Love to me is such a full range expression.
 
Last night I had a nightmare that I was back in HS. I was a sophomore again, and I had transferred to a new school. At first it was awful, I was really anxious. Then I discovered it wasn’t so much like my old school with all of the same pressures. I still experienced all the same emotions. The fear, the shame, the pain. The , the teasing. The humiliation. Feeling like a loser.

I have so many mixed emotions. Mostly towards men. I feel like there are good ones out there. Someone that might treat me right. Then I think about how many things are out of my favor. My age. My appearance. What men look for. What I have to offer. I feel like that is my biggest shame. I’ve been mistreated so much by them.

Sometimes I still feel like that. Like that loser when I was 15. No guys were looking at me back then. Sometimes I feel like because I still haven’t been able to find a consistent man to date or to have a boyfriend, I’m still that loser. I lose hope.

I felt like my meds were helping me. I was doing well for some time. Idk what triggered me to make me start spiraling again. My birthday is coming up. I just feel more shame to be at my age without ever having a relationship. I feel silly to be feeling this way.

I think I just feel unworthy. I thought that maybe if I relaxed my standards I would have more success. I would like a man who can support himself and has his own career, who I am attracted to and treats me nicely. I tried to find that, but since I’ve been single so long I thought that maybe I was aiming too high for what I had to offer? Maybe I should relax my standards then?

I haven’t been on any dates for nearly a year. The last guy I dated still lived on his mom’s couch. He has a few jobs but no career. I wasn’t even satisfied by him sexually. He only saw me once a month, if even that. Ugh, I’m so pathetic.

When he broke up with me he was so mean. Why do I keep thinking about him? I guess he’s the only guy who I’ve liked who spent time with me. I’m so pathetic, smh. I’m so insecure about having so little dating experience. I feel shame about seeking it. I get made fun of so often when I go out in public, I feel like I shouldn’t be seeking it. Like maybe I don’t deserve it. I just take anything. But sometimes I think why would a successful guy want someone like me? I think I’m a nice person, but men typically only care about appearance.

I walk on the street and men give me dirty looks and call me a man. Even when I try to dress nicely. How can I expect them to see me?

I lost my job and my savings ran out. I don’t even have money to invest in my looks anymore so I look doubly bad. I just feel so insecure. Just like I did when I was a kid.

I try to change my thoughts, my mindset. Maybe imagine a happy life without a man and children. I think about children often. I love kids. Maybe I can adopt

How do people seek happiness? How do you make yourself happy? I’m not sure.
 
GraceJones said:
Last night I had a nightmare that I was back in HS. I was a sophomore again, and I had transferred to a new school. At first it was awful, I was really anxious. Then I discovered it wasn’t so much like my old school with all of the same pressures. I still experienced all the same emotions. The fear, the shame, the pain. The , the teasing. The humiliation. Feeling like a loser.

I have so many mixed emotions. Mostly towards men. I feel like there are good ones out there. Someone that might treat me right. Then I think about how many things are out of my favor. My age. My appearance. What men look for. What I have to offer. I feel like that is my biggest shame. I’ve been mistreated so much by them.

Sometimes I still feel like that. Like that loser when I was 15. No guys were looking at me back then. Sometimes I feel like because I still haven’t been able to find a consistent man to date or to have a boyfriend, I’m still that loser. I lose hope.

I felt like my meds were helping me. I was doing well for some time. Idk what triggered me to make me start spiraling again. My birthday is coming up. I just feel more shame to be at my age without ever having a relationship. I feel silly to be feeling this way.

I think I just feel unworthy. I thought that maybe if I relaxed my standards I would have more success. I would like a man who can support himself and has his own career, who I am attracted to and treats me nicely. I tried to find that, but since I’ve been single so long I thought that maybe I was aiming too high for what I had to offer? Maybe I should relax my standards then?

I haven’t been on any dates for nearly a year. The last guy I dated still lived on his mom’s couch. He has a few jobs but no career. I wasn’t even satisfied by him sexually. He only saw me once a month, if even that. Ugh, I’m so pathetic.

When he broke up with me he was so mean. Why do I keep thinking about him? I guess he’s the only guy who I’ve liked who spent time with me. I’m so pathetic, smh. I’m so insecure about having so little dating experience. I feel shame about seeking it. I get made fun of so often when I go out in public, I feel like I shouldn’t be seeking it. Like maybe I don’t deserve it. I just take anything. But sometimes I think why would a successful guy want someone like me? I think I’m a nice person, but men typically only care about appearance.

I walk on the street and men give me dirty looks and call me a man. Even when I try to dress nicely. How can I expect them to see me?

I lost my job and my savings ran out. I don’t even have money to invest in my looks anymore so I look doubly bad. I just feel so insecure. Just like I did when I was a kid.

I try to change my thoughts, my mindset. Maybe imagine a happy life without a man and children. I think about children often. I love kids. Maybe I can adopt

How do people seek happiness? How do you make yourself happy? I’m not sure.
Click to expand...
@GraceJones I feel you. I haven't dated at all in my adult life and I'm 31. Most of my peers have kids and are in relationships. I don't feel ready to date so I just focus on myself

I take myself out on dates and go to therapy weekly. I journal and just do stuff to make myself happy

I try to save as much as I can since I'm in school part time. I have a set amount put into savings per month and put a little extra in there during the summer.
 
Last edited:
I low key felt like this Celsius live fit drink curbed my appetite today. I only ate half my sandwich and didn’t have the desire to eat the other half.
 
@GraceJones

My two cents
Happiness is a choice of decisions. It’s letting go of beliefs that are hyper polarizing ie bad/good. Having little experience isn’t negative less comparison like oh guy x had bigger xyz vs the current. That doesn’t help anyone.

How you see you is huge and bdays always push reflection. Also a huge point old dude being mean in breaking up w you may have stung but he did you a solid bc it removed unearned access. See he knew what was and is about him and men do not like getting easy. Yes you may think if I lower myself respect then more will come but it just brings energetic misalignment and pest.

I know your journey is on your own but if you can slowly met yourself w love then it’s what will be your life.

I have mentioned before my dating history and my journey. I had expectations and tried to do all the outward stuff but honestly the inner is key. Looking at others is not good bc you don’t know what is truly real as people lie to save face and to have their egos stroked. People enjoy being dawned over which is a bad wig trying to cover up issues. The more time we spend trying to cover up insecurity the more it downgrades us.

We are infinitely an expression of love. It’s hard to see that but it’s what you should pour into. What life do you want to bring forth?
 
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