I’m in the midst of upheaval but it could always be worse.

I’m out medically from work due to military injury, I haven’t found a new job and life is lifing. I’m so grateful to still be here. Someone didn’t wake up this morning.

@Plushottie
 
I had a great time at the circus this afternoon. Now I'm at home chillin and making sure I order my groceries in the morning.

I'm getting my ears pierced again next Friday!

I'm not sure what to do in April but as soon as they start the free fitness in the park I'll be there.
 
She said my face looks skinnier. Which made me immensely happy because that scale isn't moving.

I need new batteries for my scale as the old ones died. I keep forgetting though when I go to the store.

I need to lose 6lbs before the cruise. It’s kinda feasible if I lose 2lbs a week.
 
Right now, I am laser-focused on my career. In my spare time, I try to do community and volunteer work for less advantaged people. I just feel this hole inside of me. I feel really, really unhappy and I'm uncertain why. I want to say that it's because of current life circumstances but I've always been unhappy since a young girl.

I feel like the world is a predatory place. Everyone is so cutthroat and people do everything they can to manipulate and take advantage of you. The world is not safe. I feel like so many people have manipulated me. I want to be open and give people the benefit of the doubt but I've been bruised so many times over and over again.

I want to say that if I looked better my life would be better, but part of me also feels like this is unreasonable.

I'm so frustrated and I don't know how to make my life right. I'm just tired of crying and being in so much constant pain. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do in terms of taking care of myself. I try to eat right, exercise 5x a week, get rest, go to therapy. I don't know when my life will get better. I'm just deeply unhappy and lonely.

How do you find happiness? I've been unhappy my whole life and I want to change. I just wish I were someone else.

I feel like I'm a decent, kind person. I try to live my life with honor and integrity. Nobody cares about those things. People just care about status or looks.
 
Where our eyes are fixed is what we see. Happiness is fleeting and joy is to be cultivated by how we see. My expectations in life have shifted wildly because reality has taken root. I do believe this life was an experience of growth and not the glamour I prefer. Much of my experiences haven’t been brunch level chit chat. To know deep suffering is to know deep light.
 
Sometimes I have to remind myself it’s ok to take care of self even though no one is coming. I was moonlighting on lsa and someone posted most only glow up-I hate this term but I digress so they be validated/loved/dateable. I know some people had a stable start and didn’t have much to tweak but others like myself have a lot and if honest if I knew in my 20’s that what I was getting was the only I would ever get I prob wouldn’t have done anything. I prob wouldn’t have desired the things I did and would have never gotten into beauty or trying to lose weight. The decentering of dating as my only driver has def shown up in how I operate and it’s kinda sad but is reality.
 
Sometimes I have to remind myself it’s ok to take care of self even though no one is coming. I was moonlighting on lsa and someone posted most only glow up-I hate this term but I digress so they be validated/loved/dateable. I know some people had a stable start and didn’t have much to tweak but others like myself have a lot and if honest if I knew in my 20’s that what I was getting was the only I would ever get I prob wouldn’t have done anything. I prob wouldn’t have desired the things I did and would have never gotten into beauty or trying to lose weight. The decentering of dating as my only driver has def shown up in how I operate and it’s kinda sad but is reality.
Are you saying that the only reason why you tried to improve your looks is because you thought it would attract a partner?

I feel like most people are like that.

I'm not focused on dating right now and I barely even take care of myself outside of basic hygiene.
 
This mutha smooth I tell you that.

Counting down, saying it’s been a month. Okayyyyy. I see you playa playa.

I gotta admit though, you busted out with the throwback kids song and I about flipped my wig. You got it lololol
 
This makes me happy @yaya24 let the best man win. Y’all dudes better make sure your prepped.

I've learned so much in the past 7 months about what I want... & I'm still learning.

My spirit is telling me June/July I will have a better understanding of who I'm ready to allow into my life (commited relationship/ exclusivity).

I just want friendships right now.
This is new for me.

In the past, I usually start with a few contenders and after a few weeks decide on the one I align with most. A month later we are exclusive and rolling.

This has not worked in the long run.. because after 3-4 months the mask falls off ..and im invested & I give the benefit of the doubt & give grace.

I've been almost married TWICE..so I am the problem.

Not this time lol.
 
Look good for ourselves!!!

I went to a friend's all black 40th bday party on Friday & this is what I wore.

The dress is from Pretty Little Thing. I got it for $60.00 last year.. and I sewed on $12 ostrich feathers to the top (bought 2 yards of feathers from Walmart).

It was a hit (pls dont quote).
 
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@yaya24
I may have fan girled and said words I can’t write here but baby you look goodt!!

Your self awareness is uncanning most do not do that but to see trends is so amazing because you can pivot. You have been studying I was watching in the sensual thread lol. I hope you find your match and you both bloom to something beautiful as your pic. I watch you as it’s the closest I have seen in life of someone similar yet evolving.
I may never see love in this lifetime I have thoughts but it’s still something that I take note of as it can be harmful or helpful.
 
I may never see love in this lifetime I have thoughts but it’s still something that I take note of as it can be harmful or helpful.

Stop saying things like this :)


Thank you for the kind words. I'm not new to this, I'm true to this lol.

Men are interesting.. Love is a beautiful thing.. but self love is the cheat code.

Relationships are necessary (romantic, platonic, friends etc). They are all great teachers. Learn from them. Evolve from them.
 
Stop saying things like this :)


Thank you for the kind words. I'm not new to this. I'm true to this.

Men are interesting. Love is a beautiful thing. Relationships (romantic, platonic, friends etc) are all great teachers. Learn from them.
I only say it as I have had a few readings that lean that love wasn’t the chief focus. I think love is beautiful and maybe as I’m older it’s purpose will alter as it’s not the be all.
All relationships to me are mirrors which is a gift.
 
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