*-*Single Ladies Support Thread!!*-*

Jmartjrmd said:
I'm not a professional and you can tell me to kick rocks but I'll risk some bloody toes to encourage you to keep fighting.
What I see happening and again it's just my opinion, is something I did for a very long time in therapy.
My attitude was, " don't tell me what my problems are because you have no clue how I feel or what I'm going through."
I was angry all the time and I could not hear what my therapist was saying because I couldn't hear what I was saying.
My overall thoughts were always negative. I believed those thoughts so I lived by the principles of those thoughts.
When you're going through emotions that are strong, powerful and hurtful the world feels so small. For me, I thought my problems were so unique, I wasn't trying to hear any of that positive thinking stuff. To me, it didn't work and that's not what I wanted or needed. I wanted solutions and for someone to agree that my issues are terrible and let me live in that negative space .
The problem is nobody could give me the solutions I wanted and so I was stuck at that place. I had so many therapist give up on me because no matter what they said, I moved backwards and stayed with my negative principles.
I finally met a therapist who challenged my thoughts so aggressively my thinking had to shift. She promised me that as long as I'd let her she would fight for me.
I could of done what I usually did which was declare my therapist was terrible and move on to the next one that would allow me to dictate everything. They kept throwing me a life jacket that I'd swim away from until they could no longer see me. I kept drowning but wouldn't accept the thing that could save me.
As long as you don't challenge yourself on feeling like there's something wrong with you, there is always going to be something wrong with you.
You have to really look deep and challenge that negative principle because it's eating you up. You have to open up and listen to yourself.
What started the ball rolling for me was this exercise I did over and over. I wrote in a journal daily titled "Why am I dysfunctional today" in this format.
1. Core Beliefs
2. Dysfunctional Assumptions
3. Automatic Negative Thoughts
4. Reflection
5 Reshaping Negative thoughts.
So as an example
Core belief: I am not attractive enough to date
2. Dysfunctional Assumption...men aren't attracted to me because I'm not light skinned with long hair and a big booty and wear a size 6 jean.
3. Automatic Negative thought- there is something wrong with me
4. Reflection- that guy I met online was just looking for sex. I'm looking for love therefore I know this guy was not the right guy for me
5. Reshape negative thought...you know what, I was attracted to that guy but all he wanted was a hook up. I am not in a place where I'm looking for a hookup and I do not want to be treated like all I'm good for is some casual sex. There is nothing wrong with sticking to my desires and principles. I recognize that being in a situationship will only hurt me further therefore I made the best decision for me in not allowing myself to be someone's one night stand. I didn't want no weewee after having a 10 minute conversation with someone I just met. I'm worth more than that
What can I do differently:
Tomorrow I'm going to a comedy show and laugh until my stomach hurts. I'm going to continue to focus on me and stack as many good days as possible.

It took courage for me to go back and read the things Ivwas saying because it meant I had to admit I was doing the things mtmy therapist told me I was doing and if I truly wanted to grow, I had to take steps out of the negative space I felt comfortable living in. But I did it to save my life. I was so mentally tired and done I work at it every day.
Do I still speak negatively and have days I don't want to fight it anymore, yes. The difference is I have tools to help me cope

I hear you GraceJones.
Keep working, keep expressing your sadness, it's not something to keep bottled up. It takes a village and you have a diverse group of women here that want to see you come out of this.
Take care of you.
I'm going to wrap up my bloody toes now but it's worth it because I believe in you.
Click to expand...

Yeah I'm starting to have that belief also. You can try and try for years and each man you try with only wants sex. You get tired and give up...

1. i'm not attractive enough to date. if men do want to date, they're just keeping me as a placeholder until they find the woman they actually want for their gf. that's what the last guy did. i truly believe that he knew for some time that he didn't want me as a gf. it wasn't until i stopped answering his text messages that he said that the other woman asked him for a relationship. he's the first guy that i ever dated for a substantial amount of time and still, we saw each other infrequently.
2. men aren't attracted to me because of a reason i can't determine. idk why, they just don't. maybe i'm not outgoing enough or beautiful
3. there's something that i need to fix, although idk what more i can do. i'm tired.
4. i'm looking for love, but i never find guys that want to date, much less love and relationships.
5. i've just relegated to the fact that i probably won't ever marry or have children. i've tried desperately throughout my twenties and thirties without getting anywhere. i'll just have lovers casually every now and then.

i'm trying to get out of the negative space within my head, but it's hard when your reality is being reflected in front of you. obviously, men do not like or want to date me. i've experienced this since teen years. i try really hard not to think about this because it jus leaves me sad. just leave them alone.
 
@GraceJones I'm not conventionally beautiful by any means but sometimes it's a matter of location. I'm 5'3 single mom with a potbelly, a septum piercing and a teen. I can get attention but it's not the right kind of attention. I'm pretty much invisible to everyone but the hungry eyes (people that just wanna undress me). I understand how you feel. I guess people like my personality once I get to know them idk why I make terrible dad jokes. Must be the delivery lol. One thing I noticed is that some guys like it when you're a little mean. I don't understand it, but they do.

I pray that you find someone who loves the very ground you step on. :love4:
 
Plz don’t quote

I’m turning 38 in Nov and old is relative but one of the hardest things to accept without ripping myself to shreds is I may never date, know intimate love or even have sex again. I’m chasing 2 decades of invisible to desired partnership. Due to age certain phases will not occur and also with age comes accepting the change of life like some women get to be desired in their youth and some get to enjoy that later too but if your not well kept your just don’t get certain things. I use to be hopeful but energy to be hopeful is a lot. I would have loved to be wanted for the superficial yes I know about the core essence I’m not someone who sees men with capacity for such and to be what’s beautiful would be wonderful.
I have spent a lot of time and resources to make myself be acceptable not just outward as that’s easy yet I’m invisible except to bills lol.
 
First of all,
I really do
believe what Mark
Gungor says, that
if it weren't
for our "happy
face place" ;)
frankly many guys
would not deal
with our "crazy".
(My word, not his.)



We really do
come from a different
planet from guys.
Different brains that
seek different things
although sometimes if
they put in the
work, they can
actually come to
a place where
they make sense,
and they get us.
I know I said
"they" but that
is because I think
we tend to
put a lot of
work into rlps
more often than
they do. (Or
maybe I am
biased.)

So it is not
just the guys
you meet @GraceJones
that seems to
have a one-track
mind. It is
all of them.
And if they
do not stick
around to win
the prize you
are, then it's
their loss.
And they probably
left you for
an easy lay.
But many of
then get bored
real quick or
lose respect for
the one who
gave it up
easily...because
they love the chase.

When I would
watch The Bachelor
and the guy
appeared torn between
two girls, I noticed
that the one who
gave it up
during the overnight
suite, would be
the one dumped
and the one
who did not,
became the one
the guy wanted.

In fact, IIRC
didn't one guy
even leave
the show to
go after the
girl who left
because she was
disappointed he slept
with one of
the other girls?

So just because
the guy moves
on, does not
mean the new
flavor is a keeper.
And I can tell
you that when
a guy who did
not take you
seriously finally sees
the err of his
ways, it is
so rewarding to
be able to
see him yearn
for what could
have been but
not be able
to have it
because you been
moved on and
changrd

So rather than
mourn the end
of that rlp,
be relieved you
didn't waste time
on someone who
is too dimwitted
to know a
prize when it
is right before him..

I pray you
will find joy
within yourself to
be able to live
life as if
guys don't exist.
My other prayer is
that you will
find sistren that
surround you with
love and friendship
so true that boys
will be the
last thing on
your mind.

I want you
take the power
into your hands
and stop thinking
guys get to
choose you. No
you get to choose.
You don't want
wishy washy,
non-committal dudes
who don't want
the same things
you want. Since
you want a guy
who will treat
you like a queen,
be that queen.

You know how
celebs with a
million fans walk
tall and don't
melt when fans
swoon at their
presence. Be THAT.
Believe you are
a prize and
that you ain't
cheap or easy...
and you will
sell that and
they will buy it.

And then remember
the queen you
are. They need
you more than
you need them.
They need to
earn you. If
they are not
what you want
(a keeper) then
they stay in
friend zone. You
bump into each
other, you keekee
and have coffee.
The end.

You. Are. A. Queen.
You do not
NEED them. You
are a prize.
They have to
be worthy of you.
 
Lol

Part 1

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Part 2
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I unashamedly confessed my love for the Cheesecake Factory in my IG story and now dude with no car tried to ask me out. Sir if you don’t get up outta my face!


reflectingvigorousestuarinecrocodile-max-1mb-gif.5029823
 
Evolving78 said:
Now with the car situation, what if you live in New York City or a bike/walk friendly area?
Click to expand...

That’s different if it’s a place like NY but this is definitely not the case here. He’s about an hour away. I was with a guy with no car in my 20s and never will I ever allow that to happen again. I did ALL of the driving.

Even if this dude lived nearby there is something special about a guy driving to see you, pick you up, open doors and take you out on a date. The experience is like night and day. This guy is in his 40s, too old for this lol.

Evolving78 said:
@TrulyBlessed
That Gif is perfect! See how you give an inch, they take a mile?!?! Lol
Click to expand...

This! And he’s still left on seen lol
 
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Hookup culture, continued rise in STDs, trauma bonds, broken hearts, 50/50 debates, men demanding sex by the first, second or third date and actually getting it, dating as a sexual transaction instead of for love, decrease in marriage rates, increase in divorce rates, gender wars, emotional unavailability, virginity shaming, celibacy shaming, religion shaming, pet shaming, leaving women to be single mothers, red pill podcasts, social media, Sexy Redd. Seeing how dating and relationships are so toxic and at its absolute worst right now do you think this is the end of healthy love as we know it or are we going to bottom out at some point where everyone gets fed up and strives to bring back romance of our past? (wishful thinking)

I’m trying to think around what year did society take such a drastic turn in terms of love and relationships? Is it mainly due to social media and dating apps? Things haven’t always been perfect but my God it wasn’t like this. I feel like we’re in a zombie movie where almost everyone is walking shells of themselves. It’s destructive and people as a collective have to get fed up at some point. It’s giving II Timothy 3. Yesterday it was reported that syphilis is on the rise for newborns in America. C’mon people! :handslap:

 
Last edited:
TrulyBlessed said:
Hookup culture, continued rise in STDs, trauma bonds, broken hearts, 50/50 debates, men demanding sex by the first, second or third date and actually getting it, dating as a sexual transaction instead of for love, decrease in marriage rates, increase in divorce rates, gender wars, emotional unavailability, virginity shaming, celibacy shaming, religion shaming, pet shaming, leaving women to be single mothers, red pill podcasts, social media, Sexy Redd. Seeing how dating and relationships are so toxic and at its absolute worst right now do you think this is the end of healthy love as we know it or are we going to bottom out at some point where everyone gets fed up and strives to bring back romance of our past? (wishful thinking)

I’m trying to think around what year did society take such a drastic turn in terms of love and relationships? Is it mainly due to social media and dating apps? Things haven’t always been perfect but my God it wasn’t like this. I feel like we’re in a zombie movie where almost everyone is walking shells of themselves. It’s destructive and people as a collective have to get fed up at some point. It’s giving II Timothy 3. Yesterday it was reported that syphilis is on the rise for newborns in America. C’mon people! :handslap:

Click to expand...

So that std stat has been hot since pre pandemic but the pandemic overshadowed it so it’s not surprising as the taboo nature of sex lots of unconscious shame which manifest in the body.

I believe it’s always been this way as the need for coupling has reduced and where we are is by design to create a possible depopulation but don’t probe me on that theory. The push for equality has most people out of natural balance. Men are in a coddled state, women are overly mancho even those who may look pretty are not feminine so things are out of balance.
Social media is a tool of amplification so the messaging very deliberately is one must look or have x to be valuable. I don’t believe sadly in this lifetime balance will occur for most. Self reflection and accountability is too painful to expect most to do esp as it’s more profitable or the illusion of profitable to be obtuse.
On a personal level I’m near 40, don’t desire children and am going to live life as best as I can. I won’t swear off love if it’s healthy and a fit into my life but won’t go to extremes as I once have ie taking risky meds for weight loss, courses on femininity/dating, paid dating apps, free styling to see if I will get a second look by a person who may think I’m interesting enough to speak to.
 
The men are weeping in the comments. Good for her. For those who can’t access IG it’s a video of a black woman turning down her man’s (black) proposal for marriage.

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Jae Wickd on Instagram: "Women do it for money and revengefulness , Men do it for love ❤️ for a life time… Times have definitely changed . #motivationalquotes #motivation"

5,625 likes, 1,704 comments - jae_wicked on October 9, 2023: "Women do it for money and revengefulness , Men do it for love ❤️ for a life time… Times have definitely changed . #motivationalquotes...".
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Does anyone else have trouble making friends also? I feel so disconnected from society. I didn't have a lot of friends in HS because I was so corny. I was a transfer student in college so I didn't make any friends there either.

Yesterday I went to a group activity. I tried to make conversation with new people. I asked them about themselves as far as where they were from, what they did for a living, and what their goals were. Then my mind just went blank. I couldn't think of any more conversation topics or anything else to say so the conversation went dry. I felt frozen after that and just spoke to the people that I already knew.

I met a group of ladies a few weeks ago. They had an idea to have a get-together but needed a place to hold the function. I offered my place and I was looking forward to it. Someone else created a group text and they seemed as though they were still interested in the function. I suggested a date, but no one else really acknowledged it. I was really looking forward to it, but it doesn't seem like it will happen. I really wish I had a group of friends that I could chill with regularly and visit each other. It seems like people aren't really interested in making new friends if they already have their tribe.

This is frustrating to me because I do get positive feedback from people. I did meet another woman that I hung out with a few times. She moved out of town but she left me a nice WhatsApp message and she said she was grateful to meet me. I have another person that I hang out with regularly who also told me she was happy to have met me as a friend. I wish I just had these interactions more consistently. I try to invite people to hang out but they say they're busy or stop responding.

I just wish that I knew the “trick” to this
 
GraceJones said:
Does anyone else have trouble making friends also? I feel so disconnected from society. I didn't have a lot of friends in HS because I was so corny. I was a transfer student in college so I didn't make any friends there either.

Yesterday I went to a group activity. I tried to make conversation with new people. I asked them about themselves as far as where they were from, what they did for a living, and what their goals were. Then my mind just went blank. I couldn't think of any more conversation topics or anything else to say so the conversation went dry. I felt frozen after that and just spoke to the people that I already knew.

I met a group of ladies a few weeks ago. They had an idea to have a get-together but needed a place to hold the function. I offered my place and I was looking forward to it. Someone else created a group text and they seemed as though they were still interested in the function. I suggested a date, but no one else really acknowledged it. I was really looking forward to it, but it doesn't seem like it will happen. I really wish I had a group of friends that I could chill with regularly and visit each other. It seems like people aren't really interested in making new friends if they already have their tribe.

This is frustrating to me because I do get positive feedback from people. I did meet another woman that I hung out with a few times. She moved out of town but she left me a nice WhatsApp message and she said she was grateful to meet me. I have another person that I hang out with regularly who also told me she was happy to have met me as a friend. I wish I just had these interactions more consistently. I try to invite people to hang out but they say they're busy or stop responding.

I just wish that I knew the “trick” to this
Click to expand...
Most people in this era don’t know how to have relationships not just intimate ones. I do empathize with you, it seems fun to have a nice circle of friends but enjoying your own company may be the focus.
 
I'm working on my mental health at the moment. I think it would be a good idea to go on meds since I'm constantly crying. It's difficult to go throughout the day without tears.

On a positive note, I found a job. It doesn't pay as much as I used to make, but that's ok.

I'm just really confused as to why men generally aren't attracted to me. It's so difficult for them to see me. I've tried to analyze dating from a strategic point of view, in terms of what hobbies men like, where they hang out, and what they look for in terms of physicality, and tried to adapt to those things (or as best as i can as a black woman). it just... didn't happen. idk why or for what reason. it wasn't for lack of trying. i can't even get a date, much less a boyfriend. i don't even have the experience of being in a relationship. how am i ever going to get married? every attempt that I've made at dating has ended up disastrous. i've even tried to be flexible in terms of attractiveness and earning potential.

i really wasn't happy with the last guy i dated at all, but he made at least some type of effort to court me. i felt like he could really do more for himself in terms of a career and i didn't really feel like we were compatible, but i was willing to make concessions. he still ended up treating me poorly. like even these guys don't want me? i tried so hard. i'm so lost and i can't figure it out.

all of my childbearing years have left me. i feel like a big screw-up. i'll probably end up freezing my eggs in the next year once i get back on track financially.
 
GraceJones said:
I'm working on my mental health at the moment. I think it would be a good idea to go on meds since I'm constantly crying. It's difficult to go throughout the day without tears.

On a positive note, I found a job. It doesn't pay as much as I used to make, but that's ok.

I'm just really confused as to why men generally aren't attracted to me. It's so difficult for them to see me. I've tried to analyze dating from a strategic point of view, in terms of what hobbies men like, where they hang out, and what they look for in terms of physicality, and tried to adapt to those things (or as best as i can as a black woman). it just... didn't happen. idk why or for what reason. it wasn't for lack of trying. i can't even get a date, much less a boyfriend. i don't even have the experience of being in a relationship. how am i ever going to get married? every attempt that I've made at dating has ended up disastrous. i've even tried to be flexible in terms of attractiveness and earning potential.

i really wasn't happy with the last guy i dated at all, but he made at least some type of effort to court me. i felt like he could really do more for himself in terms of a career and i didn't really feel like we were compatible, but i was willing to make concessions. he still ended up treating me poorly. like even these guys don't want me? i tried so hard. i'm so lost and i can't figure it out.

all of my childbearing years have left me. i feel like a big screw-up. i'll probably end up freezing my eggs in the next year once i get back on track financially.
Click to expand...
So you were willing to lower your standards maybe make a baby with a man/get married just to scratch this off the goals? Count your blessings that nothing has come forth.
Meds for depression can be helpful if you are doing the inner work to make sure you’re not putting tape on a crater.
 
I was discussing this with 2 of my girlfriends a couple of weeks ago. I experienced this type of weirdo behavior once years ago..

Sad... but women have to "LET GO OR GET DRAGGED" when the signs are there. That's been my favorite dating advice to all my girlies..

The comments are spot on.

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Sonja Norwood Custom Cookies on Instagram: "The “phase where you slowly starting to hate your girlfriend” twitter thread is psychotic…what’s the point of all this? It could all be so simple. Remember Fantasia said…If you don’t want me then don’t take

64K likes, 1,434 comments - wickdconfections on October 7, 2023: "The “phase where you slowly starting to hate your girlfriend” twitter thread is psychotic…what’s the point of all this? It could all be so...".
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I think Im finally in a place where I am ok with being single. It was rough for a while, but I'm starting to enjoy life.

Anywho, I had a date this past Saturday. Don't get too excited, lol.

He was a nice looking older man. 15 years my senior, to be exact. We really vibed online and over the phone. So, for the first time in a while, I was looking forward to meeting him. Even though we had a nice date (we went to Chelsea Market in NYC) I realized that our values were much different than each other's.

The biggest issue is that he was "open to marriage" and "kind of seeing" where things would go. Whilie I, OTOH, know exactly what I want. The may not seem terrible, but IME, if a guy is just seeing where things go, then he's not serious about me, or dating, really. Been there, done that, so no thank you.

I tried to help him redeem himself by asking what his ideal relationship looks like. He told me in so many words that he doesn't know :nono:

Bruh, so why are we here??

Y'all, I haven't met a dud in sooooo long that I truly couldn't believe it. I thought that maybe there was more to him / it, but nah. Ah well.
 
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