@GraceJones
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous when she published her book on death and dying. Her famous 5 stages of grief were meant to describe what people with terminal illnesses experience as they face their impending death. But what I tend to believe is that grief is not limited to death and dying and to me it makes sense when you do a deep dive into the " stages" and realize how much it applies to other things. Anger, denial, depression, bargaining and Acceptance all have a place in our lives and nobody has to die for us to experience this grief.
While I did not read everything you wrote, in the tidbits I did read I can see so much of myself in what you're saying. So much grief in what you're experiencing. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and my heart goes out to you as I can just feel the same hurt and pain you speak of and that burning question of " what's wrong with me". I have and still have all those feelings even though as it relates to this discussion, I've been married twice ( well really 3 times now...i married my late husband twice).
I hear a lot of anger and bargaining. The, if I just stay fit, , have clear skin, dress nice some man will want me. Then the anger at why it's not happening, the pieces of denial that scream this can't be.... that I'm in my 30s and this is where I'm at. You're grieving for the life you deserve and *should* have by now but hasn't materialized yet and that's ok.
I'll just tell you a few quick stories. I'm a bit older than you but to this day I still remember these things.
In middle school I remember I was standing with a group of girls. There were 5 or 6 of us. I wouldn't say I was friends with them but nonetheless one girl decided to rank everyone on the prettiness scale. I came in last. And carried that ranking with me all the way to college.
In college I went to a football game with my fellow nursing students. At the end of the game this guy comes up to the group and invites all the girls to an afterparty. He spoke directly to them and handed them flyers but not a single word to me and no flyer. After he was done talking to them he looks me up and down and says, oh I guess you can come to"
I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief. And the worst part is, none of my "friends" showed up for me. I made the mistake of slipping into a shell and becoming a loner from that day forward. It was a mistake because I robbed myself of enjoying a prime time in my life and to this day I deeply regret that. I long for friendships and a sisterhood outside my family. I have a few friends but we all live in different states. I've missed out on years of joy that I can't get back. I can only move forward and ditching my shell has not gotten easier.
Then when I was about 7 years old, we were traveling to Mississippi to see my grandmother as we did every summer We stopped for lunch at PoBoys somewhere along the way. At the restaurant this lady comes up to my mom and goes on and on about how pretty my older sisters were. Then she looks at me and says, " well that one has pretty hands". My mom showed up for me when she read that lady her rights but I carried that moment inside of me to the point I believed that the only thing pretty about me was my hands.
Lastly, after my husband died, I invited a group of people over for dinner and a game night as we often got together when he was alive. I'm a perfectionist and hosting was my thing. I carefully crafted a menu, cooked all day and had the table set up and games all ready. I waited and waited and guess what, not one couple showed up or even bothered to call and say they weren't coming. The worst part is they all lived within walking distance of my house. Crushed is an understatement. I'd just lost my husband a now I'd lost our " friends" too. The only thing that saved me was my current husband who provided me comfort.
What I'm getting at is those hurtful experiences stack up and we tend to internalize them to the point that they become part of our identity whether we realize it or not. We cant really see what that internal pain is projecting onto others. We ask ourselves why and rather than seeing things for what they are, we invite those feelings to invade our safe space and in turn its not so safe anymore.
But you know, as painful as those experiences were, you lnow why I've carried and believed those things for so long? It's because I failed to show up for myself. I expected something or someone to rescue me from that internal dialoge that I allowed someone else to create for me. That thing that said, you only have pretty hands, you weren't important enough for your friends to show up when they were invited, you weren't good enough to be invited to that after party and in that group of middle school girls you ranked last. Upu weren't smart enough to go to med school. Nobody likes you. In reality I'm none of those things.
I admit, to this day, i dont fully believe I'm all that pretty but what I've learned about life and love is that I don't need to be the prettiest flower in the vase to have the kind of men I wanted. Both my late husband and my current husband are phenomenal men. I had something within me that no amount of external beauty could match. But I also am not the horrible monster I sometimes see myself as. I'm STIL battering this tug of war even though I've had the kind of love I yearned for as a young child. So what I'm telling you is finding that for yourself isn't going to fix what's been brewing inside you. It will only mask the symptoms for a while. My husband can tell me till I'm blue in the face how beautiful I am and while I feel great for a second the self hate comes back strong. I don't believe him because past experiences taught me otherwise and it became a part of ne.
My late husband was absolutely gorgeous and I went through hearing at times where people would ask how I ended up with him because our looks weren't on the same level. I overheard that so often I added that to my identity.
So I'll circle back to that question I heard you ask of "what's wrong with me" and I'll tell you what I discovered about myself. There's NOTHING wrong, not with you or me.
AS i said in the beginning, people associate grief with just death but a lot of times we are experiencing grief and we don't recognize that is what it is.
I hear a lot of bargaining with you, I can feel the anger, the depression. What's missing for now is acceptance.
Side note:
I don't know if you people watch but if you do you know there is someone out there for everyone. You've probably observed people and probably thought, how'd she get a man and i can't? While it's wrong to judge others as we don't want to be judged we are flawed humans and we have all done it.
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But one thing to keep in mind is all those men who passed you up or would approach you, men you think you may have wanted, were not men for you. You really can't force attraction it's either there or it's not. When it's not we can't internalize that as rejection. We have to understand that that person just was not the person meant for us. And it's not one sided. We all have standards of who we are attracted to. So we can't be angry at the men for liking what they like when we too aren't willing to or need to settle.
I will agree with others in that there's some healing that has to happen for you. It will take some showing up for ( insert your real name).. I don't mean the external things either.
You can be as put together as much as you want to be on the outside but if you can't heal the inside none of that matters. Have you ever seen a beautiful person on the news that commirred suicide? The first thing we think is wow she was so pretty rsther then trying to understand what was so painful inside. Beauty alone didn't allow that person to escape from the turmoil. Look at the dancer Twitch or Robyn Williams or the designer lady who all committed suicide. They had spouses, money, and yet still it wasnt enough.
I'm not advocating for looking frumpy by any means but rather make sure that all that external stuff you are doing is being done for yourself and how you feel and not to try and live up to someone else's standard. When you do that and it's not authentic, eventually you'll be right back at the real you. If you have to spend 9 hours getting ready to attract a man then you'll have to spend another 18 hours trying to maintain that image for him, whereas that wasn't you to being with. You'll never keep a man that way and you will be miserable because here you are doing all that for him and it still wasnt enough. LAs soon as you become " not the same as when we first met" he will be on to the next.
Showing up for yourself means taking on this pain and self hate you have and repackaging it. Self hate is not meant in a derogatory way here. if you've read anything I've written on my posts on this board you can easily see I have a lot of that within myself. I've spent years in therapy and yet my work isn't done.
Showing up for yourself means finding out what makes you the person you are. What do you have to offer in a relationship other than your looks because it's much deeper than that especially within a marriage and motherhood. Showing up for yourself means feeling that pain you've been carrying for so long to it's max effect then learning how to let it go. Showing up for yourself means not asking yourself, " what is wrong with me but rather believing that there is so much right with you.
I know it's hard but when I met my current husband I was not healthy, I wasn't financially stable, I wasn't looking for anyone, I didn't care about my appearance, I was grieving and despite all that he found something in me that made him say this is the one for me. 99% of men would not find me worthy but guess what, I only needed that 1% and I got him. He may have thought I was cute but what brought him into my life was how I treated him, my loving nature, my charm, my calm personality, the ways I love him like no other woman has. I'm a natural caretaker so that came into plays as well. I made love to his mind before we ever jumped in bed together. But besides that, we were both in a place where our souls needed each other. Us being a thing wasn't my ideal time but it was right on time.
Now that I've written a book let me leave you with this.
You are caring, intelligent, worthy, beautiful, likeable, loveable, capable, remarkable and most importantly you are enough. Thpse are the things that are going to attract a man and not just any man, the right man.
Life isn't going to go as we planned it. It's going to throw us curve balls that we might swing and miss at. But you have to stand up and swing again. Maybe you adjust how you hold the bat, maybe you eventually stike out but you have to then look at how you can change your approach and get back in that box.
Show up for you and stop searching so hard. You wont find what you are looking for or need until you find the healing that has to come from within. Search for Grace, not the fantasy man you've put together in your mind.
You don't need any classes to be a different person. That is manufactured. It might be interesting but will it really be you? I believe what you need is already within. It's just not healthy right now and needs some attention.
I'm not telling you anything that I myself don't battle everyday. I have to fight for my life every day...not a physical fight but a mental one. I need to strip myself from an identity that is not my own. It's painful, it's hard, it's filled with self doubt, living in the past but it's necessary to get me to the other side. Even decades removed from my 7 yesr old, 12 year old, 20 years old self that felt nothing but rejection and pain. I still have to work.
When you commit to the healing, that person who is meant for you will show up right on time and he will love you for all the right reasons.
Pray for acceptance. Not acceptance that you're not in the situation you want but rather acceptance that who you are is enough because you are. Accept that because it's the truth.
